Title: left hand upon a mirror

Rating: M

Summary: Of losing and rediscovering that which others call humanity. (… Or perhaps it's the other way around?) [SI/OC, ghoul!OC, pre-canon]

Warnings: Violence, gore, cannibalism. Dark themes and disturbing elements present. Not advised for the faint of heart.

Disclaimer: I do not own Tokyo Ghoul.

(AN at bottom.)

left hand upon a mirror

2: tasted worms windows and roses

Ito's first clumsy attempt at deliberate manslaughter ends in failure.

(Her heart thuds in her chest, too full and too loud, and it feels like something is going to burst. Headless little boys smiling and red-eyed monsters drooling and devil-flowers blooming, blooming. Her fingers are numb and her palms sweating. Each breath she inhales tastes a little like baseless, insensible panic, which isn't right. It's not right. She shouldn't be–)

… It's not as simple as it sounds. Killing, that is. All psychological implications of committing such an act aside, even just quite literally in terms of feasibility, it… it's not so easy. Sena might have gone and started killing people right in the middle of the street under broad daylight that afternoon, but Ito does not have the same luxury as her older sister. It's not something to even consider. After all, there is no Mama waiting behind her, quietly watchful, ready to swoop in and save her when the Doves come down. To try to bull-headedly obtain food the way Sena had so recklessly done would be the very height of stupidity, and while Ito readily admits to her own foolishness in certain matters, she isn't stupid. She can't afford to be. Not anymore.

(Not any more than she already is, always was, will never be again. Not if she–)

Caution. Never before has Ito been so terribly, horribly cognizant of the fact that she is alone, that there is no one she can rely on and no one she can truly turn to for aid. And it's so very crystal clear she has no one, no one, absolutely no one. How long has she been left to wander the streets on her own? Ito doesn't know. She doesn't know anyone. Who does she even know in this world, aside from her family? A family of ghouls that had lost all hope in their youngest little daughter? She was outright abandoned to die by her very own mother! Ito still remembers how Mama had even looked straight at her that day, looked directly into her eyes, before she just turned and… and…

…

… and, there's no point in thinking about such things. No point at all. It's not like they'll come back for her. They probably even think she's dead, and the sheer heartlessness of such a thing, the ruthless practically, the way good riddance comes across so loud and clear, it…

It hurts.

But hurting is useless. Hurting gets her nowhere.

So, best not to dwell on it in the first place.

No matter their attitude, Ito has made her decision. Knows her choice. Has a goal to strive for. She does not want to die. It's taken nearly dying for her to finally realize it, but… for the sake of living, for the sake of desperately clinging to an inconsequential existence… in order not to die… if that means killing, then–

To live is to eat. To eat is to kill. Therefore, to live is to kill.

(Humans care nothing for you. Then, why should you care for them? Open your eyes, Ito. It's time to wake up.)

–so be it.

She's never killed before. Ito doesn't know how to kill. But she is a ghoul, and if she wants to live, she needs to eat. To live is to eat. Ghouls eat humans. To live by eating human food is impossible. In a moment of curiosity, Ito had rummaged through the trash on the streets for unfinished food, only to vomit everything back up mere moments after forcing the truly disgusting substance down her throat. She'd always known that eating human food was impossible; if ghouls were capable of ingesting human food, why would they bother resorting to hunting humans for food in a predominantly-human society? But to be faced with actual proof of it in her body, more damning than even the inhuman kagune that signified a ghoul's predatory organs…

Ito has never killed anyone before. Under normal circumstances, she would never even think of trying to kill anyone. Why would she? Under normal circumstances, Ito would be a perfectly bland, boring, run-of-the-mill law-abiding citizen.

But she's not.

Because she's not human. She's a ghoul. Ghouls must kill humans in order to eat. To survive. And Ito has resolved to be a survivor, because more than anything else in this world, she fears dying.

(Again.)

… There's always a first for everything.

.

.

Sometimes, Ito thinks back on her first attempt at murder with something like chagrin.

She had chosen a little boy for her target, that time. A young little boy around her own age, one whose parents had come running mere moments after they noticed their child being dragged into an alleyway by a street rat from the playground, and Ito had been quickly forced to abandon her prey in order to beat a hasty retreat. Stupid. Ito should've expected the boy's parents to be attentive of their child, even from a good distance afar. Her mistake. But at the time, she'd only thought of going for something manageable for her size; ghouls might be exponentially stronger than humans, but Ito is just a child. She doesn't have the strength to easily overpower grown men quite just yet, won't have the necessary strength for that for a good several years, and considering the struggles an adult might put up in comparison to a child… it's not worth it, going after an adult.

Ito forces down her hunger pangs, and goes looking for a second target.

Her second attempt, she tails a group of young girls for the better half of an entire day, before finally giving it up as a lost job. Because Ito has learned her lesson of discretion from her last failure, has kept it in mind the entire time, only to discover that she literally can't find a good opportunity where any of the girls break off by themselves to a secluded area. It's maddening, especially given the giggling girls' aimless wanderings all over the city into food stalls and stationary stores and other stupid, inane things. The only thing that stills her hand despite her gnawing hunger is the knowledge that Ito will draw the Doves' attentions to herself if she acts rashly, and she's not strong enough to fight Doves. She'd really rather not have a repeat of running for her life again, either.

Ito nearly loses her way back to the sewers by the end of the day when she backtracks along the maze-like streets of the bustling city.

(She hates it. Hates living in the sewers with the rats. But as disgusting as squatting down in the sewers every night is, it's also… safe. No one wanders down into the sewers without reason, for obvious reasons, and there is protection from the wind and rain and nighttime chill. Filthy and revolting and stomach-churning as it is, it was sitting knee-deep in the sewers, half-buried by biting rats that had allowed Ito to escape the Doves that day she was abandoned, and part of her will always remember that.)

Young children are hard to kill, Ito is eventually forced to conclude. They're generally carefully-watched and rarely left on their own, even when they try to sneak off on their own. Key word being 'try.' They also do not tend to stay out after nightfall, when it's easier for accidents to happen, when it's easier to stage disappearances.

The closest Ito comes to success in her pathetic hunting efforts is the one time when she manages to get a cautious bite into a pale-skinned girl's arm, before she is bodily ripped away and thrown aside by the girl's older brother rushing up behind her. She'd hit the ground hard, and in her dazed moment, the siblings fled. Ito hadn't dared to linger in the area after that.

(DELICIOUS.)

And in-between all these successive failed hunting attempts, Ito gradually begins noticing all sorts of little things she'd once taken for granted. Little things like a proper place to sleep and a warm jacket over her shoulders and basic hygiene, for example. Nowadays, mud and grime and god-knows-what-else is a permanent fixture tangled in her hair and coating all over her body, crusting thickly under her fingernails and drying on her tongue, and it's foul. Absolutely foul.

Ito has never experienced living so filthily like this her entire life, has never had to deal with the day-in, day-out stickiness of questionable substances clotting in a grimy layer over her skin, scuttling bugs crawling over her feet near-constantly. She's gone without one of her shoes for quite some time now, lost in her panicked escape from the Doves that fateful day, and the remaining one on her right foot has several holes in it, courtesy of the yellow-teethed sewer rats she now lives with.

Ito knows it's stupid to live in down the sewers; it's rank and dirty and outright disgusting, but some irrational part of Ito still can't help but feel safe in such a fetid place swarming with beady-eyed rats and scuttling cockroaches. She's tried building herself a little makeshift cardboard hovel to live in down a relatively secluded alleyway, and the end result was Ito not being able to catch a single wink of sleep the entire night, no matter how much her eyes drooped and her mind threatened to shut itself down. It was horrible.

How vexing; it's all because she managed to lose the Doves by hiding down in the sewers that some subconscious part of her brain thinks of such a nauseating place as safe. It's so stupid.

… And smelly.

Rushed 'showers' sparingly stolen via public drinking fountains or restrooms in the dead of the night only do so much for sanitation when one lives in the sewers with vile rats and other pests in such filth. And each time when she washes up, Ito doesn't even dare strip out of her clothes entirely, instead gritting her teeth and shivering under the few cold bucketfuls of water while still forcing herself to remain carefully attentive to her surroundings. She doesn't dare take even a moment longer than necessary out in the open, because what if the Doves find out she's here what if they find her and–

It's probably only because of her comparatively stronger constitution as a ghoul that Ito hasn't keeled over from sickness or something even worse yet. Had she been human and turned out onto the streets, Ito has no doubt that she would be dead, living like this.

Then again, if she was human, she would've gone to an orphanage or sought out some form of governmental assistance, rather than hide in the shadows and fumble pathetically on her own. Living like this is… humiliating. Dehumanizing, even.

Then again, Ito isn't exactly human anymore, is she?

She can literally feel it worsening. Her hunger. Every day, her hunger grows, and with each failure to kill and eat, it grows exponentially.

At this rate… how long will she last, before something drastic happens?

She's tired of it. Ito is tired of it. She's tired of jumping at the slightest sounds, to the point where it's almost as if she's scared of her own shadow on the bad days. She's tired and hungry and starving, and Ito knows that if she can't procure herself a proper meal sometime soon, she's going to snap. And that's. That's bad. Ito will turn into her sister if she can't rein in her hunger, except unlike her sister, no one will save Ito from fatal mistakes, so she can't afford to make any.

It's rapidly getting to the point where Ito just. Can't. She can't do this anymore. She's so goddamned tired of being twitchy and on the edge all the time.

Ito is tired and scared and hungry–

She wants to live. Ito just wants to live. Why is it so hard to just live?

Why, why, wHYyyYy?!

…

… Oh, right. Because she's a ghoul. That's why.

Kill or be killed. What will it be?

Kill, of course. Was there ever even any question about this? Ito will kill.

Then why aren't you killing?

She's trying! Ito's trying! It's not her fault that–

If you don't kill, you will die.

Ito knows that! That's why she's–

How would you like to die?

.

.

Eventually, the consequences of her multiple, successive failures settles in with a vengeance for real, and sometimes, it feels like she can't even breathe. It's a soul-crushing weight that sits dark and heavy in the pit of her growling stomach, slowly stoking the flames to the sharp edge of her ravenous hunger that grows and grows and grows. There is a gut-churning hunger sapping away at the strength in her limbs, dulling her senses, gradually tearing her apart from inside-out little by little, bit by bit, day by day–

This cannot continue.

Ito is not like Sena. She's not as strong as Sena, doesn't have even a fraction of the physical strength or the lithe agility that her older sister possesses. Strength comes from sustenance, and back when she still had her family providing for her, Ito had done nothing but refuse her meals and lock herself away in her room from morning until night. Looking back on it, Ito almost wants to strangle her past self. Did she want to die? Given her foolish actions, is it really any wonder that Ito is so laughably weak?

(Classic case of Catch 22: She needs to eat to become strong, but lacking the strength to catch her own prey, how can she eat?)

… Time is running out. Ito doesn't have much time left anymore. She's hungry. The little girl is well-acquainted with hunger, ghoulish hunger, and she knows she will be reaching her limit soon. She's already reached her limit a long time ago, to be frank, and it's only sheer force of willpower that keeps her from breaking down by a thin, threadbare strand. That, and the knowledge that she really will be dead if she loses control of herself. It's a vicious, hellish cycle that she's currently trapped in.

Honestly, it's nothing short of a miracle that she hasn't keeled over from her hunger and just started killing everything in sight at this point. Ito knows hunger, but she has never been so hungry like this before; hungry to the point where it feels like she'll die, but still painfully lucid in this torturous hunger solely on her strength of will. It's the one area she can claim to outdo her sister in… for all the good it does her.

(There's a difference between suppressing one's hunger because they don't want to eat humans, and suppressing one's hunger because it might mean the difference between life and death, lest they lose themselves to their instincts in a mindless, ravenous rampage. There's a difference.)

She… s-she needs more time. More time to figure out how to hunt properly, how to–

Hungry, hungry, HUNGRY–

The little girl shivers at the molten burn of hunger lancing through her abdomen, roughly shaking her head as she forces herself to suck in a sharp, shuddering breath. It's foul. The sewer waters' scent is absolutely foul, but it doesn't bother her anymore. She's grown used to it. The grime and filth and disgusting substances that she would've once instinctively flinched away from, she's grown used to it all. The filth, the hunger, the–

Funny, isn't it? For all her prior struggles against her ghoulish nature before finally coming to terms with herself… Ito is just so pitifully weak and useless that it doesn't even matter. None of it matters! Her empathy, her compassion, her high-handed morals that she so stubbornly, desperately clung to… in the end, it's useless. USELESS. Useless, all of it so hypocritical and so useless–

Ito wants to live. Ito just wants to live! But to live is to eat. Morals are not going to fill her stomach. How could she have ever been so stupidly, naively blind? Staunchly abstaining from eating, refusing her meals? Deliberately starving herself, just so she can placate herself at night somehow by thinking that she at least tried her best to be human… when the truth of the matter is that she's very much inhuman, and no amount of starvation will ever change that?

You never know to be thankful for what you have until it's gone, Ito realizes, half-hysterical, half… half… she doesn't even know anymore. Depreciating? Self-loathing. Terrified. Ito knows that it's only luck that someone hasn't caught onto her yet and reported her to the Doves. Luck, and her long string of abysmal failures when it comes to procuring her own food. Killing her own food.

But she's scared. She's scared of killing, scared of drawing attention. Attention will most assuredly bring the doves down on her, and then she'll die, no question about it. Who can she kill? She can't kill children, they're too well-protected during the day, and she hasn't spotted any wandering the streets alone by themselves at night. But, but Ito isn't strong enough to kill adults. She was overpowered in an instant by a human teenager the other day, and maybe it's because she's such a young child, maybe it's because she's so weak from hunger, maybe–

Oh.

There's no one she can kill. Ito is too weak to kill anyone. So then, maybe she's going to die. Maybe she's really going to die, just like this.

… Just like this?

Is she really going to literally starve to death in the sewers because she's too weak to kill food? Even after successfully escaping from the Doves? Even after–

Ito doesn't want to die.

Food. Ito needs food. It had never been a problem before, back when she still lived with her family–

Mama. Mama… would Mama forgive her? Would Mama want her back, now that she's finally thought things through? Now that she's willing to eat, willing to kill, because she finally understands that this is necessary for survival? Ito knows where she's gone wrong before. She's so sorry! Ito's sorry, she really is! She shouldn't have tried to be human, shouldn't have ever tried to hold onto a human conscience, because she's not. Human. Ito is a ghoul, is a ghoul, Ito is a ghoul. Humans will kill ghouls without any questions asked; humans are food but they're also killers, they'll kill her because Ito is–

Ito is–

Because Ito is weak.

…

Mama, Papa, Sena… they don't want her because… it's precisely because Ito is weak that they don't want her, right? Weak. B-But she won't be weak anymore! She won't starve herself anymore! Ito should never have done that in the first place! She shouldn't have thought of herself as human! Ito won't make the same mistakes again, promise. She just wants–

Ito just wants to go home.

She wants to wake up in the morning and be patted on the head by Papa. Playfully bumped in the shoulder by Sena when hopping downstairs. And when Mama looks up from the couch in the sitting room, she'll offer a soft little smile, and–

And–

…

… Ahhh, who's she kidding?

It's been so long since she was abandoned to the streets, living in the gutters with nothing but yellow-teethed rats and her own hunger for company. Why hasn't anyone come for her? She's been wandering the streets every day; she would've been found weeks ago if Mama had returned to look for her! Surely they would look for her? Because even if she's weak and useless, she's still a beloved part of the family, right?

Right?

Wrong, wrong, wROnG!

Wrong… of course it's wrong. Don't you see, don't you see?! The weak are not family. The weak are culled. That's the whole point of the family test, isn't it? And Ito… Ito… Ito failed the test. Unquestionably, undeniably, Ito failed the test that day. She might've somehow activated her kagune, but she failed the test. That's why Papa has become so distant and Sena won't play with her anymore and why Mama looks upon her with such cold eyes, to the point where they don't even bat an eye at leaving her to the Doves.

Weakness. Weakness is a sin, one that is utterly unforgivable for a ghoul.

… Is that why her family doesn't love her anymore? Is that why no one will care if she dies? Ito is cold, is alone, and the pain that tears at her chest is nearly as bad as the knife-like hunger carving her up into a thousand tiny little pieces inside. It hUrTS. HURTS! Ito would scream, but screaming is bad, because people can hear it. It attracts attention. Ito can't attract attention, because attention means Doves, and–

And… she doesn't think she even has the strength left to scream anymore. Her throat is so scratchy, so dry and burning, and her body feels limp and light and numb and–

Is she… is she going to die like this?

Die. Just like this?

Cast aside by her family, too weak to kill her own food, a little child slowly starving to death in the disgusting slime and grime of the filth-ridden sludge, with only sewer rats for company?

Regret hits her like a sledgehammer in the chest, knocking the breath from her lungs. Or is that just her hunger hammering away at her limp, powerless body? Hunger, and regret. So much regret. And buried within that strange amalgamation of hunger and regret, anger. Where does this inexplicable anger come from? Anger at this diabolical world at large that makes her a man-eating monster? Anger at the cold, heartless family that gave up on her? Or perhaps… is it anger at herself for being so uselessly weak?

Ito is weak.

See, this is what hesitation gets her. Hesitation, indecisiveness… there's no such thing as a perfect opportunity, when it comes to hunting. No such thing as a perfect kill. So what if she happens to be discovered in the middle of a meal? Some risks are necessary. There's no point in waiting and waiting and waiting for the perfect chance to fall into her lap, because it will never come. Never. So even if it means leaving traces, being tracked –at least she'd have the strength to run, run, run if she'd at least gotten something to eAt EAt EEeeAAaAaTttT–

Chitter chatter. Chatter, chatter, hiss.

Crunch.

Ito promptly bites down on her own tongue, tasting blood in her mouth in her vain attempt to clear her head. Useless. Everything in front of her eyes is starting to darken at the edges, blurring and turning fuzzy. The taste of her own blood in her mouth is absolutely disgusting, but she can't help but swallow anyways, because her stomach is so empty, and at least it's something. But it's too late, all too late.

The sewer rats are unusually loud today.

Food?

The rats… they're dragging along such a huge chunk of food with them in the nausea-inducing sewage. So many hissing, wriggling rats diving into the filthy waters to swim towards food… fOoD. Even rats can find food. Why can't Ito find food? She's even more useless than rats! Rats are pests. No one wants rats. No one ever likes having rats around. But rats are clever, are vicious, are tenacious and will eat anything their teeth can bite through and their jaws grind to paste. Survivors. Rats are survivors, who will eat anything and everything, for the sake of survival.

Ito envies them for that. The ability to eat anything, that is. Even she herself has been gnawed on and nibbled at by these gormlessly slithering rats, to the point that her body isn't even healing itself anymore. Scratches and bite marks litter her body in the strangest of places, and she thinks it's such fine irony that a ghoul –a ghoul, designed to hunt humans and humans only– will end up being eaten by rats in death. Hilarious. She almost wonders if–

!

Shoe.

A shoe.

There's no doubt about it. That's.

That's a.

That's a shoe.

Suddenly, her steadily dropping, closing eyes fly wide open. And in an impossible burst of strength, Ito yanks herself upright, dislodging and scattering a dozen sewer rats from her body as she stumbles shakily to her feet. One of them digs in its teeth deep and tears a long strip of flesh from her arms, but Ito is beyond feeling any pain in such a starved, dying body, her attention caught elsewhere, because–

Food. That strange, unidentifiable mass of something that the swarm of rats over there are latched onto, all mottled fur and snapping teeth and writhing tails, so much that it's near unrecognizable, covered as it is… but Ito knows what she saw. She can still see it, even. That, right over there. That's a shoe. Dirtied by mud and grime and waste, but it's a shoe, an actual leather shoe! Which means–

Which means–

Which means–

Ito is barely aware of her body's reactions. She's barely aware of herself throwing aside the last shreds of her dignity, diving headfirst into the waste-filled sludge and joining the mad scramble for food alongside all the other rats, with the desperation of the starving ghoul that she is.

Mine mine MINE!

It doesn't matter that the rats have already bitten in with their yellow teeth and yellow claws. It doesn't matter that she finds wriggling worms and god knows what else moving inside her food. It doesn't matter that she is hit face-first with the scent of rot and decay on top of sewage filth, because now that it's right in front of her, Ito can finally confirm her suspicions that yes, it's really a human!

Leather shoes. Ripped scraps of clothing stained with god-knows-what. And beneath it, rotting flesh. But she recognizes it, recognizes it!

The taste is so strange, but it's human!

Ito so happy that she almost cries in relief. No, wait, she is crying. Or… is she salivating? Her eyes are burning, but they always burn when she's hungry. Ito can't tell the difference anymore.

The spoiled meat in her mouth is too-soft, too-squishy, and there's a thick, pungent flavor to the flesh that's absolutely awful. Three messy mouthfuls, and then Ito is forced to tilt her head back to the side to spit out a squirming mass of foul, still-wriggling flesh-worms, before messily wiping her mouth with the back of her hand and turning back to dig in for more.

Ito takes another bite. And another. And another.

She can't stop herself.

(Why would she want to?)

Ito starts eating faster and faster, because more and more rats are coming. No matter how many times she reaches out with her hands to crush their skulls in annoyance, there are always more swarming in to replace the dead. It's clear that there's no point in trying to secure more food for herself by killing off the competition, so instead Ito just single-mindedly concentrates on eating more and more and more, gorging herself as much as she can on the rotting meat.

In terms of quality, this is the absolute worst thing that Ito has ever eaten. There's no doubt about that. But right now she couldn't care less about that, because in this moment as she teeters on the brink of death-by-starvation, it's also heavenly.

It's food, and the little girl is starving. What more could she possibly ask for?

So Ito eats, and eats, and eats, and everything disappears beneath a wave of rotting red.

It's a feast fit for a king.

.

.

Never let it be said that Ito does not learn from her mistakes. She reflects and learns. After her near-death experience with starvation that led her to fight for a rotting corpse with rats, the girl learns to take risks. Calculated risks, of course. She's still scared of getting caught, she always is, but she's more scared of starving to death first. Better to at least have a fighting chance –or running chance, as the case might be– with a full stomach, rather than the alternative. Ito would take anything over the alternative.

Her first kill is a drunkard in the dead of the night.

It's a tall, swaggering man who nearly trips over his own feet on his way out the door of the bar, laughing loudly with his friends. Their words are slurred, loud and abrasive, and everything is accompanied by the bitter scent of nicotine. Ito holds her breath when the man's buddies eventually part with him around the corner at the end of the street. The man staggers over to the curb and settles in to wait, leaning against the streetlight. Waiting to catch a taxi or something, presumably.

And that's when Ito strikes.

(She's learned her lesson. Waiting and dithering and always second-guessing herself gets her nothing, save for one foot closer to the grave as her hunger grows and grows. Caution is important, but sometimes caution needs to be thrown to the wind. Ito will not sit around and wait until her hunger becomes so unbearable to the point that she's too weak to even move. Never again. Once is already more than enough.

… Rotting flesh probably isn't very healthy, anyways.)

The man is alone. His friends have left. He's standing a good distance away from the rowdy bar. The streets are empty, no one is in sight. There's not much coverage, but from so many tries tailing potential meals in the last month, Ito knows no better opportunity than this to spring into action.

It's been nearly two weeks since she'd feasted with the rats. Ito isn't hungry hungry yet, but she will be soon, if she doesn't find something to eat. And not eating is dangerous.

Granted, eating is dangerous, too, but Ito is of the opinion that it's better to get a meal without that panicked urgency pressing down on her shoulders. Less chance of messing up due to nerves, less chance of making unnecessary mistakes that way.

… Still, Ito had only meant to take one of the man's arms. In and out. It would be potentially life-threatening if not treated properly in time, but it's not exactly lethal. See how considerate she is? The man would be much more concerned about getting himself some treatment instead of chasing after her, given that the alcohol hadn't completely dimmed his wits. Besides, an entire arm should be more than enough to tide her over for the next few weeks.

That had been the plan, at least.

At the very moment Ito leaps for him, reaches for his left arm with her childish hands outstretched, the man squats down, grumbling, as if he'd dropped something on the ground, and–

Schlk.

–she misses.

She misses.

It's… it's an accident. Instead of tearing off an arm, Ito twists off the man's entire head.

Whoops?

Blood splashes against her face, warm and wet. Sweet. Something in her chest stutters, skips a beat. Her heart, perhaps? Kill, kill, kill. It's not her fault. The man was careless. The man was careless and weak, weaker than Ito. So it's not her fault –Ito hadn't even been aiming to kill, she would've been perfectly fine with just taking an arm! He leaned over and stuck his own head in the way. That's so stupid. Who does that? Is he looking to die?

No, wait, he's already dead.

There's a trickle of blood coming out of his mouth. And at the base of his neck, a veritable fountain of blood gushing out, staining her tattered, dirty clothing, and it's all so messy. Ito wrinkles her nose. Why is it so messy? … Would it have been just as messy if she'd only taken an arm?

The girl takes a brief moment to mourn the waste –so much tasty, tasty blood being spilled all over the ground just like that, what a waste– then turns a speculative eye on the headless corpse lying behind her at the base of the flickering streetlight, crumpled on the cold, asphalt street.

So much meat, wasted.

Ito had the foresight to dig out a dirty satchel from the dumpsters to hold an arm in, but an entire body is just too much for her to handle. She's strong enough to drag the body along behind her if she really puts her mind to it, maybe, but that would definitely leave a clear wide trail for people to track, and that would be just stupid.

It's unfortunate that so much of the meat will have to go to waste; Ito remembers her starved hunger like it was yesterday. If she'd had all this meat back then–

But no.

Ito knows when to cut her losses. This would be one of those times. It's not worth it. Even if she could somehow carry the entire thing with her, there's no way for her to preserve it properly, and then she'd have to eat rotten meat again. Such a pity.

… A month ago, Ito would never have even considered killing a man. Or even maiming anyone. After all, she's not a monster, right?

Hah!

(Improvement.)

Undoubtedly, there's something wrong with her. She's just killed someone. For real, she's really killed someone. Little Ito actually went and killed someone! A grown man, even! Granted, one severely inhibited by alcohol and scarcely aware of her presence around the corner, but… she's even holding his head in her hands right now, see? Just like Susumu. Just like Susumu, who cracked open a little boy's head that day and–

Hmm, maybe she should try that, too? Crack it open and then it'll be like eating soup, almost. But it's a little undignified to eat without a spoon, right? Not that Ito is really one to be talking about dignity anymore, but…

She killed someone, she really killed someone!

Ito's eyes burn, tears streaking down her face. Surely, these are tears of happiness? After all, she's finally proved that she isn't useless. She's not useless! Ito is capable of killing her own food. Ito is a big girl now! Wouldn't Mama be proud of her? Mama had been so worried because Ito refused to kill and refused to eat and–

–Mama doesn't want Ito anymore.

Mama doesn't. Want. Ito. Anymore.

Her smile stutters and fades.

Mama doesn't want her. And… and neither does Papa. Papa doesn't even look at her face anymore. When was the last time Papa held her on his lap? And Sena, when was the last time she played hide and seek with Sena? It's been so long, so long since she's last seen them. Living on her own on the streets like this… what if one day she wakes up and can't remember their faces anymore? How will she ever find them again? Will they still remember Ito?

Ah, ah. But why would they ever want to remember Ito? Ito is weak. That's exactly why they've abandoned her in the first place and left her to fend for herself. They no longer care whether she lives or dies. Mama left her to the Doves. What kind of parents does this to their own child? No one wants little Ito anymore, and that's…

… sad.

So sad.

(Is that why she's crying? Is that why the tears aren't stopping, even though she's so happy?)

"Am I weak, mister?" Ito absently asks the food in her arms with a small frown. Predictably, the head does not respond. Verbally, that is. Ito shakes the bloody head, then presses her ear to its mouth. The man's lips stink of alcohol, but it's still warm. "Mister, do you think Mama and Papa will want me again if I get stronger?"

Silence rings in the air. In the not-so-far distance, music is still blasting from the bar. Nonetheless, the little girl still tilts her head, listening intently to a disembodied voice that only she can hear.

"What's that? 'Why do you still care about them if they don't care about you anymore?' … How did you know Mama left me to die? A-Are you psychic?" Ito lets out a little gasp, then sags and sighs in disappointment. "No, you're not psychic. If you were psychic, then you wouldn't be dead right now. That was pretty stupid of you, mister."

She reaches out a hand and brushes shut the dead man's open, unseeing eyes.

"There, much better. You're right, I shouldn't care about them. They don't want me? Fine. I don't want them anymore, either. Thanks for being such a good conversationalist, mister. I'm almost sorry I killed you. Don't worry, though, I won't let you go to waste…

… itadakimasu."

.

.

Distractions are nice.

There's something about living on her own out in the world like this that makes her feel small. When she sits in the corners of the streets to watch people go about their habitual routines, caught up in the spell of their daily lives, none of them so much as spare a glance towards the homeless little girl hunched in on herself unobtrusively. It's almost as if she doesn't even exist, this lack of attention, which is… good. That's good. Not being noticed is a good thing.

Ito had always been a rather quiet sort of girl. This still applies, for all that her hands are now stained with blood.

(There's nothing wrong with that, though. Blood is food, right?)

Regardless, people-watching is a pleasantly mind-numbing activity she finds some semblance of enjoyment in only up until the point Ito notices herself wondering if the harried-looking salaryman is tastier than the cheerful redhead waiting at the bus stop, and then it's time to move on and preoccupy herself with something else before she… slips. In a public area. That would be bad.

Also, even though Ito has been kicked to the streets, she has no intention of living in the sewers forever. It's been… Ito doesn't even know how long it's been since that day anymore. There's no point in keeping track. There never was.

It's interesting –sitting out on the open streets, she finds out fairly quickly that no one really donates anything to homeless beggars. Ito can keep a tattered little box out in front of herself all day, and an entire day could pass by without anyone dropping so much as a single coin inside. In fact, she's had exactly one occasion where some foreign charity organization came by, whereupon the bright-eyed college students had given her a bagel and a package of cookies. But aside from that, playing up the role of a helpless little homeless girl had gotten her nothing.

… The bagel had the texture of rubber, and the taste of the baked good was just… she doesn't even want to think about it. She doesn't know why she even tried eating human food again. Horrible, the taste. And there's always something so strange about seeing a food and knowing what it should taste like, but instead getting something so impressively vile and revolting and–

Ghouls can only subsist on human flesh.

Ito hunts. Sometimes it goes well, sometimes it doesn't. But it's easier to kill after the first time, and Ito learns to not think too much about it.

Once upon a time, perhaps she would've felt guilty, but Ito's main problem while hunting nowadays is the issue of whether she'll get caught or not, rather than any issues with her conscience. Things change. People change. Ito is no longer a scared little girl clinging to the mindless mantra of morals and not a monster. After all, she wants to live.

Ito starts collecting aluminum cans.

… It's not much, but it's a start, at least. Sitting on the streets gets her nothing, and in the time that she does not spend hunting and marking down potential targets… why not do something productive? There's a recycling station that pays for aluminum cans and other recyclable materials turned in to them at the end of the day, so Ito rolls up her tattered sleeves and starts digging through the trash. Her human memories might contain vague recollections of college years and the desk job she'd once worked, but it does not change the fact that Ito is just a child right now, no matter what skills she remembers. It's downright impossible for her to get a well-paid job, and in order to improve her living conditions, she needs to get money somehow. Picking up the trash is a start.

(Picking pockets is another, but it's one that's a bit out of her hands right now. Maybe once she saves up enough money to get a new set of clothes and a bar of strong soap to wash off the sewer stench that follows her everywhere. Easier to blend in with the crowd that way.)

Idly, Ito scratches at her shoulder, grimacing at the grime that gets caught beneath her fingernails. She would kill for a proper shower and a warm bed… maybe if she raided someone's house? Hmm, there's a thought. Proper shower, warm bed, and a fresh meal.

Unfortunately, it would also be a surefire way to bring the Doves' attentions to her. Things like breaking and entering would definitely cause more of a ruckus than a back-alley murder. After all, frightened neighbors would grow uneasy, would press for some form of action to be taken, and likely wouldn't stop pressuring for something to be done until there was an official response to their concerns. Street murders are another thing altogether.

… Yeah, Ito won't be pulling something like that anytime soon. Guess it's the public restrooms for her again today, then. Better than nothing, at the very least.

Hopefully, she'll manage to improve her living situation as she gets older. One step at a time. At least she finally doesn't have to worry about starvation as much anymore.

.

.

"Huh, I thought I heard about a little rat sniffing around these parts recently. Don't you know it's considered rude to hunt in someone else's territory?"

Ito jerks and sharply glances up from where she's crouched over a bleeding, headless body. It's been awhile since she'd last felt something like this, this prickling sensation of the hairs on the back of her neck standing straight up, this thump-thump-thump awareness of her own heartbeat that comes with standing in front of a stronger predator. There's not really any explanation to how she knows; if anything, it really all just boils down to one word: instinct.

Instinct had saved her the day of her family test. It had also saved her from the Doves' pursuit that time. Ito feels inclined to trust her instinct, and right now they scream danger.

… Okay, well, not scream. Heavily imply, more like, which is almost the same thing. But despite the warning bells raising her hackles, the young man standing at the opening of the dark dead-end alley does not seem particularly inclined to attack her. Yet. Still, the glint in his red-black eyes mirroring her own hints at hunger, and Ito is acutely aware of the still-warm corpse cooling beneath her and the blood smeared messily across her lips. The snarling mask covering the bottom half of his face only adds to his dark, threatening image, which does not help her nerves any.

Panicking will get her nowhere, though. And Ito has had enough of fear.

"Ah… my apologies," she finally says, when it becomes evident that the other ghoul is waiting for some sort of response from her. What did he want again? It's been awhile since she'd last spoke, and her voice is hoarse from disuse. There's something about it that sounds almost guttural. Added to the fact that this is the first ghoul she's met since she'd started living on the streets, under this kind of circumstances, and she has no idea what to expect from him… "Wait, what do you mean, 'territory'?"

A stilted silence stretches between them.

"… Hahh, you're kidding me, right?"

Ito blinks and tilts her head. The other ghoul levels an incredulous look on her, then tiredly slaps a hand over his face and makes a sound that is one-hundred percent pure long-suffering and little else. At least, that's the sort of vibe she's getting?

"No. I'm not dealing with this shit," he declares firmly, then gives her the stink-eye. "Also, you reek. Ever heard of showers, maybe? Where the hell are your parents, brat? I can't believe they'd just turn you loose and–"

"Gone."

He stills. "Excuse me?"

It's the truth. Ito doesn't have parents anymore. She doesn't have a family. She's unwanted. So…

"They're gone. My parents. I've been on my own for the past…" Ito furrows her eyebrows in concentration. "… I'm not sure, actually? I lost count after the first month or so."

"You lost count after the first month," the ghoul repeats blankly, straightening and regarding her strangely. Ito isn't quite sure what to make of it. At least it's starting to seem unlikely that he's going to attack her? … Something to be glad about; Ito is fairly certain that she would stand no chance against the older ghoul, if things took a turn for the violent. "How the fuck are you still alive?"

Ito isn't sure if she pulls it off very well, but she sends him her driest look, then pointedly looks down at the mangled corpse beneath her. All that blood spilling and pooling the ground… such a waste. Ito hates being wasteful.

She bends over and starts lapping up blood when it seems like the other ghoul isn't going to be doing anything else, because Ito is hungry–

–she's dangling in mid-air, held by the scruff of her neck.

What?

"You." The other ghoul bodily shakes her, almost as if she's a particularly difficult, unruly cat, which is downright insulting. But Ito grits her teeth and bears with it, because his hand is holding her up by the back of her neck, and she hadn't even seen him move. If she did anything to aggravate him, to provoke him into snapping her neck–

It would be hilarious if she'd survived her family's abandonment, the Doves' pursuit, starvation, only to die at the ends of another ghoul for seemingly no reason at all. Which was just–

"Do you think you're a dog or something? The fuck are you doing that for? Also, you're fucking tiny. There's no way you can be older than six. Seven?" Incredulity. The ghoul pokes her in the cheek with his free hand as if she's some strange specimen, which is rude. "Oh my god, no wonder the Doves have been poking around so much. You have no idea how to clean up after yourself, do you? Also, you're a really messy eater. There are much less painful ways of killing yourself out there."

Messy?

"… You have no idea what you're doing. Fuck, why me?" the man mutters to himself under his breath, tipping his head back. "If it's like this, then… maybe I should just kill you and be done with it. It's what Katou would do. 'Sides, it'd probably be much kinder for you in the long run."

Ito's eyes widen. The waning sense of danger from this ghoul suddenly spikes, and she sees it –the way a long, serrated red-violet limb emerges from his back, bladelike and–

No.

NO!

Kagune. Ito's kagune is nothing like the ghoul holding her at his mercy; hers his thin and flimsy and literally useless for anything aside from flailing around –but at least it's a good distraction. The man drops her with a curse when the Ito's ribbon-like tendrils whip towards his face mercilessly the instant he brings out his own kagune, and Ito takes the chance to escape without a moment of hesitation.

There's no way she can fight against an older ghoul and come out on top. She doesn't even know how to fight, only how to run, and that's–

"Okay, okay, that's enough! Stop scaring the kid, Manabu! Quit dawdling and let's just go already before the Doves get here!"

Another ghoul. There's a second ghoul lurking around –similar to the one who'd been one step away of killing her, this one is also wearing a mask across its face. It's creepy, and Ito grits her fists. This is just getting better and better, isn't it? She's never really thought about running into another ghoul like this, never mind two, when it seems like they both–

"Whatever." The first man takes a step back from her, rolling his shoulders, and his kagune disperses into a shroud of red fragments, fading into the air. Ito is almost jealous of the practiced ease with which he does it. "This makes, what, eight? Stop picking up strays. It's going to kill you one day."

"You're horrible and I hate you. I hope you get a stomachache tomorrow," the other ghoul flatly informs him, then turns towards Ito, who's watching the proceedings with a wary eye, searching for an opportunity to escape. It's getting less and less likely with every passing moment.

"Kid, you're coming with us," the second ghoul says. Ito doesn't– "We're not going to kill you for hunting on our grounds, but if you insist on hunting and feeding as you currently do, then you're just going to end up bringing the Doves down on us all, and we can't have that."

Ito bites her lip. These two are dangerous, and she doesn't trust them at all. "What do you want with me?"

"Your parents died before they could teach you anything, right? We'll fix that."

Suspicious. "Why?"

"Because Yume's a fucking bleeding heart, that's why," the first ghoul grumbles, and bites down on his tongue when he gets a kick in the shin from his partner. "Look, stop being such a paranoid little shit or I'll kill you anyways. If you don't learn the rules, then you're a danger to us all. If you want to die, then at least do so in a way that doesn't drag down everyone else with you."

"Manabu!"

"Shut it, you're not going to get anywhere with this one, talking like that." He folds his arms across his chest, a clear sign of impatience. "So are you coming or not, kid?"

… Does she even have a choice? At least… if they are to be trusted, at least it doesn't seem like they plan on immediately killing her on the spot. Something to be thankful for.

Ito closes her eyes. "Okay. I'll come with you."

"That's the spirit. C'mon, let's get out of here before the Doves come."

.

.

…

.

Author's Notes:

Second chapter of left hand on a mirror complete. Pretty long delay since the last posting, but I lost interest in TG for quite some time. Finally managed to write a little something here, though. :) … If you're anything like me, you probably had to go and re-read the entire first chapter of this fic lol. If I still have any old readers floating around, that is.

Still not entirely caught up with the latest updates for TG:RE here, but at least there's some more backstory to be messing around with now. Um, patience is a virtue…? :D (Dodges rotten tomatoes, is slugged in the face, flops over like a dead fish.)

Will come back and edit for mistakes later, but feel free to let me know any errors you spot in the text. Thanks!

… Yeah, I dunno when the next update will be, but you probably won't have to wait 2 years again. I think? We'll see. With any luck, we'll start seeing canon characters in the next chapter, but don't take my word for it.

Been messing around with some OC stuff in One Piece verse lately, so please head over and check that out if you're interested!

Current writing focus: much madness and wild current. I'm about halfway through the upcoming chapters for both fics, but things are picking up in RL for me and I have no idea when I'll be able to sit down to actually finish them. Might be continuing with left hand too instead of leaving it as is for a bit, idk.

On a completely unrelated topic, I also started watching Quan Zhi Gao Shou (King's Avatar) recently. The animation is pretty nice! Adapted from a Chinese webnovel, though, not manga. As appears to be regular for me now, I always check out the fanfiction for a new fandom I'm getting into before I even catch up with the actual storyline… manhua fanfiction doesn't seem to be very popular, huh. Hm. Feel free to throw any recs for any manga/manhua/etc my way if you'd like! Introduce me to your favorite fandom. :D

QUESTION: Any TG fics you'd rec me to check out? Seeing as how it's been awhile since I've last been in the TG fandom and all.

Ta,

XxZuiliu