Disclaimer: I don't own Drop Dead Diva

When you lose a loved one you are filled with guilt. Everything that you did plays in your mind. You think... what if I hadn't done this? What if I had done that? Why did I do this? I can't believe I did that!. You wonder, had you done things differently would she have still been alive. It seems unreal to you. You're numb. You hurt. You're scared. I guess that's why they call it denial. NONE OF IT SEEMS REAL. It feels like a dream. It feels like you're going to wake up and everything is going to be alright but you never do wake up from the nightmare.

In my case though I was lucky. Well, I guess lucky is an understatement. Lucky is winning the lottery. Lucky is being in a case where you cannot win and getting a win. Lucky is a car missing you by an inch. Losing someone you love and then having them return to you is a gift that only GOD can grant. Sure, she was in a different form but she was the woman I loved. It was her soul in someone else's body but it was literally her.

When you lose someone you love you are full of anger. You're angry at the doctors for not being able to save her. You're angry with yourself for choices you've made and you, unreasonably as it is are angry with your loved one for dying. The things that could have been different goes through your mind. What if she hadn't been talking on her phone while driving etc. Putting on lipstick while driving! If I were the type of person to get mad I would have been fuming and there would have been a lot of issues with that one. There would have been serious trouble. I'm not good at getting mad. I just can't do it. I never wanted to anyway but GOD DAMNIT I was pissed off when I lost Deb. It was like GOD was laughing at my misery and I wanted to smack Him. I never would hurt Deb. She was my life.

Then I got my life back. Deb came back to me. She was in the form of Jane. Irrational as it was I was furious with her not for being Jane but for not telling me she was really Deb. It was the one time I was furious. I felt like she had just watched me hurting and didn't tell me what would have made it better and instead of being thrilled that I had her back I felt like punishing her for telling Stacy and not me. Yes, I know that was about the level of maturity as a 4 year old being mad at mommy for letting his big sister go to bed later then him but I felt hurt. That didn't last too long. Looking back now I don't even know what I was thinking. At the same time I felt superior to her. Truthfully she was just as bright as me if not more but I felt like I knew more then she did. I don't know what I was thinking.

When you lose someone you love you would do anything to get her back. I literally would have walked through fire to get Deb back in any form. I would have done anything and gone anywhere. I would have let a pack of wolves whip me and put me on a stretching device. It couldn't have hurt more then what I was hurting. I had lost Deb. Without her I was empty. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. If you asked me what I wanted for my birthday I would have said the same thing every year. Deb, Deb, Deb, Deb DEB! I tried to make little deals with GOD. I never got to acceptance. GOD heard and answered my prayers.