1The Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver 2: Return of the Parody, final chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own Monty Python, History of the World pt.1 or any other of the following gags, or other silliness that will appear.

Yes, dear viewers after such a long time, I have finally gotten around to the final installment in my Soul Reaver 2 parody, now Raziel's journey shall conclude, but don't fret, soon I shall begin on a Defiance parody, and there's are gonna be many more adventures for me to place Raziel in.

Now let's finish this.

Raziel climbed out from the frozen waters of the lake and pulled a fish that had swam into his cowl and tossed it back into the waters. He then began to walk away from the balcony where he had talked to Kain in the future era and head back through the village to leave this area, when suddenly two demons appeared.

Raziel: Wait, I thought they could only appear in the f-upped future?

Gas-demon: We've been expecting you, little red ridding hood...

Raziel: Uh, I'm Raziel, not little red

Demon: Oh, sorry to bother you then.

Raziel: So, these freaky morons were not merely the product of Nosgoth's corrupted future and loss of insurance. For here they were, hurtling back over five centuries to pursue me and collect frilly dresses.
These creatures, I suspected, were minions of the idiotic forces that had hoped to control me. This was the tangible expression of their displeasure. These demons were unleashed as the penalty for my disobedience.

Demon: No one must know about our obsession with dresses

The demons attack Raziel, who uses a day old doughnut and two pieces of string to subdue the creatures.

Raziel: That was easy

He then continues into the canyons, but is once again halted by two Grey lightning Demons

Lightning demon: Do you really think you can get away with out secret? Uh, I mean save Nosgoth?

Second lightning demon: Let me enlighten you, poor Raziel, your cowl is out of style!

Raziel: Hey! Don't diss the cowl, bitch!

Raziel leaps into the air, suddenly a Matrix-style slow-mo effect takes over and Raziel flips over the first demon, grabs him by the head and twists sideways to kick the other in the face while snapping the others neck. Time returns to normal as he lands back on the ground.

He heads to the village with the silliest and most hard to pronounce name, when suddenly, Fred Durst, Julia Roberts and Bob Dole appear.

Fred Durst: There he is, the savior of Nosgoth!

Raziel is in a tight fight, but over comes by playing Fred's weakness, he's a total pussy, and kicks his ass, Julia is tougher, but by convincing her that an Oscar is hidden inside the save point, then blowing the building up, she is easily dispatched. Now only Bob is left.

Bob: Bob Dole will destroy you, Bob Dole hates evil blue vampire things that do stuff, Bob Dole, Bob Dole, Bob Dole...Bob Dole...Bob Dole...zzzZZZZZZZZ

Bob has fallen asleep from his bizarre speaking in the third person. Raziel shrugs and continues on. Just before he can exit the canyon past the small camp, a Black demon appears.

Black Demon: Yo, this be where you get off, ol' Razzy boy, and enter into a world of hurt, Beotch

Raziel: I don't think so.

Suddenly a stage appears out of nowhere and the Black Demon is dressed as 50 cent.

Black Demon: Rapping Yo, look at yourself you blue foo, I'm gonna be stepping on yoo!

I'm from the ghetto dimension and I be chilling in this here canyon about to lay you flat, foo!

All the sexy ladies be shaking while I come through and be kicking like kung fuu!

The horrendous rap ends, and then Raziel steps up, dressed like Snoop dog, yes, his hair slicked back and bradded and wearing shades with a sports shirt on.

Raziel: Hey hey hey, Razzidy diggidy in the house ya'll!

Rapping

Don't be a player hater

When you don't you know who you messin' with

Otherwise I'll have to bust a cap in your ass

if you don't step off, I'll have to start tessin' yo ass!

The even worse rapping causes the Black demon to commit suicide, as do all the pointless demons who just fight Raziel, so he continues to the other end of the swamp, but is stopped by another Black demon.

2nd Black Demon: You shall not pass!

Raziel: Is it me, or is that phrase getting a bit worn out.

He then whistles and a Balrog comes out of nowhere and wrestles with the demon, suddenly the two are killed by a random plot hole, that sucks them in.

Raziel: Haha!

Going into the subterranean chambers, Raziel must navigate an annoying climb, before swimming back into the elder's chamber.

Elder God: You have failed me, Raziel.

Raziel:

I wonder, Old One...
Did you truly resurrect me, awaken me from to a naked chill? or were you simply there when I awakened from my torment in the Abyss?
I suspect you found me merely convenient. Dropped in your bowl by Kain, indestructible and sober for some reason. A durable and gullible tool for you to manipulate.
This one thing I readily admit - I have been used by others time and again, and too drunk to remember them all. But always I seem to stray from their path... what is it about me, Squid, that makes me such an unreliable instrument?
Why do I survive one trial after another... on and on in an endless succession of humiliating parodies and spoofs?
It seems there is much more to my popularity, and my credibility, than I know.
Perhaps more than you know, as well...

EG: ...Uh, is the answer Blue?

Raziel: Nevermind...

A/N: And now, stupid ramblings of the Elder God

EG:

Monkey

You have failed, the 5th grade!

You are worthy, of a 10 at GothHooters!

The wheel of Fortune desires your participation, but it will never be happy.

Raziel: O.o

He exits the chamber and heads back to the Pillars, a sign says Train to Hell: Coming soon in 100

years. As Raziel prepares to leave, three of the most horrific beings teleport in - Matt Damon, Uwe Bowl and Paul Anderson

Raziel: You bastards, I though Edward took care of you vile creatures?

Uwe: He thinks he can change his destiny.

Paul: What a fool.

Matt: Matt Damon...

Uwe: Yes, and we shall bring Nosgoth to its knees with a live action Legacy of Kain film, with the Rock as Kain, and Owen Wilson as you!

Raziel: The horror!

Raziel uses his power of wit to overcome the mass of stupidity, first by reminding Uwe he's retired, who then implodes from the paradox, then convinces Paul that he's really a bird, who, being an idiot, believes this and jumps off the top of tree.

Paul: I can fly!

He hits the ground and somehow ends up on the cast of the Real World, he deserves that. As for Matt, Raziel merely points to a ball of twine and Matt turns into a poodle and explodes.

Raziel: Ok, that's quite enough with the randomness.

Or so he thought.

As he enters the path to the lake where the frozen doors to Strong Hold are, Raziel sees a bizarre spectacle.

Raziel: What's this sign say? 'Come one, come all, to the Inquisition'?

Suddenly a Sarafan knight walks up to a stage, while several others stand behind in cloaks. A large crowd of humans are watching from a large platform of seats. Sarafan Raziel will be known as S. Raziel

Knight: Ladies and Gentlemen, The Inquisition!

Malek walks up in a cloak, removes the hood and begins to sing.

All pay heed! Now enters his holiness, Raziel , the Grand Inquisitor of the Sarafan Inquisition.
Raziel - do not implore him for compassion.
Raziel - do not beg him for forgiveness.
Raziel - do not ask him for mercy.Let's face it - you can't talk him outta anything!

S. Raziel and his lackeys singing...

The Inquisition (Let's begin)
The Inquisition (Look out sin)
We have a mission to destroy the vampires (vamp, vamp, vamp, vamp, vamp, vamp, vamp)
We're gonna teach them wrong from right.
We're gonna help them see the light
and make an offer that they can't refuse. (That those vamps just can't refuse)
Go back to hell, don't be boring.
Say your prayers, don't be dull.
A fact you're ignoring:
It's better to lose your body than your soul
The Inquisition (what a show)
The Inquisition (here we go)
We know you're wishin' that we'd go away.
But the Inquisition's here and it's here to stay!

Cut to two old vampires hanging by their wrists who start talking to each other

"I was sitting in my castle. I was minding my own business.
I was enjoying a lovely bloody bass.
Then these armored dolts plundered and they throw me in a dungeon and they shove a red hot poker up my ass.
Is that considerate? Is that polite?
And not a tube of Preparation H in sight!"

"I'm sittin' flickin' humans and I'm lookin' through the pickins' and suddenly these ugly golloms pull down walls.
I didn't even know them and they grabbed my by the scrotum and started playing ping pong with my balls!
Ooh, the agony! Ooh, the shame!
To make my privates public for a game?"

Back to S. Raziel and his lackeys singing...

The Inquisition (what a show)
The Inquisition (here we go)
We know you're wishin' that we'd go away.
But the Inquisition's here and it's here to-

Someone calls over to S. Raziel while in the middle of a routine ...

"Hey Torquemada, walk this way."
"I just got back from the Auto-de-fe."
"Auto-de-fe? What's an Auto-de-fe?"
"It's what you oughtn't to do but you do anyway."

S. Raziel speaks to a row of captured vampires

Will you go back to hell? "No, no, no, no."
Will you stop hurting people? "No, no, no, no."
Will you let us join a poker game? "No, no, no, no."
Will you say yes? "No, no, no, no!"
Now I asked in a nice way, I said, "Pretty please."
I bent their ears, now I'll work on their knees!

Someone calls over to S. Raziel again ...

"Hey Raziel, walk this way.
We got a little game that you might wanna play,
so pull that handle, try your luck."
"Who knows, Raz, you might win a buck!"

S. Raziel, spins a huge slot machine, with vampires in place of the cherries, lucky 7's, etc. on the slot wheel. It comes up a winner, and gold starts pouring out of the machine. S. Raziel leans over to a flunky and says, "Put it in the car..."

"How we doin', any more vampires today?"
"Not a one, nay, nay, nay."
"We flattened their fingers, we branded their buns!
Nothing is working! Send in the sorceresses!"

A bunch of sorceresses appear surrounding a pool of water. They shad their suits to reveal bathing suits, dive into the pool, and perform an old-style aquatic musical number. Some vampires are seen shooting down slides and into the water. The sorceresses surround the vampire, who are burning from the water, and pull them under water. Than the rest of the cast joins for the big chorus line at the end of the song..

The Inquisition, what a show.
The Inquisition, here we go.
We know you're wishin' that we'd go away! So all you Demons and you Vampires
We got big news for all of yous:
You'd better stop your bloodlust and binge drinking TODAY!
'Cause the Inquisition's here and it's here to stay!

The song ends and everyone, even Raziel can't help but applaud, Kain and Vorador are watching from atop the mountain and whistle for the performance, even the Elder God is clapping with a his tentacles. Then Malek steps up to the center stage again.

Malek: Thank, the Sarafan Inquisition everyone.

Raziel: That was really random, and poorly parodied from the movie, but hey, not bad. I give that performance, a 3 out 5.

Raziel then sneaks in and finds a clean path, it seems that all the knights are tired from the big number. He enters the room with the Reaver, alone, with a dead midget.

Raziel V.O:

Suddenly and randomly, I found the reaver, and a dead midget, suspiciously laid across my path.

Again I sensed nothing of that 'temporal distortion', the randomness I felt when I found the reaver in William's chapel.

Cornered here with the blade, I suffered the same randomless dread when Janos offered me the blade.

I felt repelled by the dead midget, but overwhelmingly compelled to pick up the reaver, and poke him with it.

The doors open behind Raziel and he turns to see Moebius and the Sarafan Malek, cutting off his exit. He tries to summon the wraith blade but Moebius' staff makes causes it to disappear with a farting noise. Moebius is now acting more, evil, instead of wimpy and stupid - Moebius is cold, somewhat focused, but still a wussy.

Moebius: So Raziel, here we are finally.

You have no choice but to face me, and I am not as much a wussy I let you believe.

We have a parody to conclude.

Raziel: You knew I would lead the Sarafan right to Janos, so they could steal the last beer, oh and the reaver.

Moebius laughs

Raziel: My destiny is an amusement to you?

Moebius: No, I'm remembering this time Nuraptor accidentally mind read Ariel and revealed that she was on a diet, and she kicked his ass.

Raziel: Sighs If we can please get to the point...

Moebius: Oh yes, of course.

"Did you think you could change history, blah-blah-blah, I'm a time-streamer, yada yada, and all that crap."

Raziel advances on Moebius

Moebius: I think not, butch, do not let this creature leave.

Malek steps in front of Raziel, his pike ready.

Malek: I told you not to call me that outside in public.

Suddenly screams can be heard and Vorador's laughs.

Vorador: In the distance Call your decorators, they can feast upon the horrendous paint job I've done!

Malek turns to go help, but Moebius stops him.

Malek: Lord Moebius, Vorador is ruining the decor again, oh, and he's also killing a few members of the circle.

Moebius: Hold fast, Malek.

This creature is the real threat, besides, I heard him call you a pansy for wearing armor.

Raziel backs up to basin holding the reaver.

Raziel: What are you trying to do?

Moebius: You toxic creature, did you think I'd allow you to run loose, causing randomness all over?

Raziel: I admit it's been a weird parody all throughout, and that I underestimate your weirdness, a mistake I won't repeat.

Raziel grabs onto the hilt of the Reaver. Moebius slowly backs up, he's been waiting for this to happen.

Moebius: Wrong again, blue boy!

Moebius and Malek back out and leave the room.

Moebius: Now Malek, bolt the door, then come to my room.

Malek: Sighs

The door is blocked, Raziel tries to get through but can't. He then contemplates the physical reaver now in his grip.

Raziel V.O: Using his staff to bitch up my reaver, Moebius had disarmed me, well, took away the weapon I used more often than my claws, leaving me with one choice of weapon.

And yet it wasn't my lack of options, but blind stupidity that I grabbed this reaver, and not the dead midget. My hand now held the reaver with a grip that would make a vice blush, and I felt a tingling of the wraith blade trying to reach it's physical twin, that or my watch was starting to work again.

Raziel exits the room and enters the courtyard, where he encounters Melchiah and Zephon, their Sarafan selves had been sent to stop him.

Zephon: Come to get that last beer, demon?

Melchiah: Back to hell with you, finders keepers!

Suddenly a weird slow mo effect happened.

Raziel V.O: I recognized these two idiots as my former brethren, in life as Sarafan jackasses, and in unlife, as Kain's vampire 'sons', Melchiah and Zephon, the most moronic of Kain's brood. These twits had no idea what lay in store for them, that they would turn into really ugly bastards, oh and become what they hated most.

The reaver began to vibrate, which sounds kinda dirty, but feel actually a little nice, Janos said it was like a vampire it sucked blood and could binge drink, I was eager to see what it would do to these two.

Raziel begins to fight the two Sarafan.

Raziel: Melchiah, behind you, a sexy lady!

Melchiah: Where? I knew this new toupee would fetch me some ladies!

Raziel stabs him in the back.

Zephon: Ha! You won't trick me that easily!

Raziel: Look, pudding!

Zephon: Where?

Raziel chops his head off, candy shots out like a fountain.

Raziel: O.o

Ok, that was weird.

Raziel stands over the dead Sarafan.

Raziel V.O: As the two idiots fell before my blade, I could fell the reaver's blood-thirst and desire to drink as keenly as ever when I was still a vampire, blah blah blah, reaver and me work together, it made me invincible.

Man, I do talk too much.

Melchiah: Tell me about it.

Raziel: Hey, your supposed to be dead!

Melchiah: OH yeah!

XX

Raziel then proceeds to the sanctuary, where he sees Rahab and Dumah playing rock, paper, scissors

Rahab: Ha! I win, you have to wash Moebius' back tonight!

Dumah: Dammit!

Suddenly they see Raziel, and get into attacking stances.

Dumah: Have you come to reclaim the monster's black heart?

Rahab: You'll have to get through us first.

Raziel V.O: Rahab and Dumah confronted me next, the I realized this was all so well put together, then forgot, then remembered again, I was the one who killed these morons and put them in their tomb. Thus providing Kain with the bodies with which to raise his vampire sons, and best poker buddies.

Rahab: Ready?

Dumah: Yep.

The two do the fusion dance.

Dumah and Rahab: Fu-sion-ha!

They merge into one, creating a mass of great stupidity.

Merged idiots: Now we're Duhab! No wait, Ramah! Damab?

The energy that is their stupidity causes a shockwave throughout the room. Raziel throws a bagel at them, they split back into their separate selves and die instantly.

Raziel: That was really weird.

He enters into the Choir of the Sanctuary where he encounters an even greater idiot, Turel, his former second-in-command.

Turel: Back to the pit you crawled from, demon!

Raziel: The abyss, screw that place, it's dark and the decor sucks!

He then does another voice-over, he really loves them doesn't he?

Raziel V.O: And here was my brother Turel, who along with Dumah would throw me into the abyss. A jackass and a stockholder of Batman & Robin, even as a vampire, I guess you stay an idiot even when you die.

The vampire Turel had eluded my vengeance, the Sarafan Turel, would not.

Raziel takes out a giant pencil.

Raziel: I'm really gonna enjoy this!

Turel: Hey wait! Please, No, no, NOOOOOOOOOO!

The Screams echo throughout and when we return, Turel is in a shape too horrible to describe. Raziel then makes his way to the next room. He enters into the Chapter and finally comes face to face with his former Sarafan self. The doors are locked and the Inquisitor Raziel regards the demon with disdain, unaware that it is his future self, dumbass.

Sarafan Raziel: So vampire, here we are.

You've killed my brethren with randomness, and now you've come for me? You'll find I'm not so easily taken by weirdness.

Raziel: I don't want to kill you, but if I must, so be it.

Return the heart and the beer and I will not hurt you.

S. Raziel: So you've come to avenge that lousy cheat, and reclaim his beer and heart?

You're a righteous fiend aren't you.

Raziel: Takes one to know one.

S. Raziel: No vampire, this is were the randomness ends, but you won't be leaving this room.

Now let's finish this, I'll be less random to you.

Raziel: As you did for Janos.

S. Raziel: No, that cheater had it coming to him, he eluded us for far too long.

It would have been a shame to kick his ass too quickly.

He keeps making an ass of himself, just like Raziel.

S. Raziel: It's amazing, the great 'Janos Audron' turned out to be no challenge at all, thanks to you, we beat his card dealing ways. Did you hear his screams, as I pulled a royal flush?

Raziel is really pissed, not because of the bad-mouthing of Janos, but because he realized he does talk too much, even when he was alive.

Raziel: That's it, it's time for me to teach myself a lesson!

He charges with the reaver while the Sarafan Raziel charges with a his spork. The two clash and begin a major battle of random proportions, each time the Reaver and Spork clash, a cow explodes, and when a blow is landed on one of the fighters, George Lucas remakes Star Wars again. After eight minutes of randomness, including a sudden appearance of Steven Segal, the fight concludes and Raziel impales his former self on the reaver.

Raziel: I renounce you!

S. Raziel: Gag Hack Wheeze Sputter

Raziel: Oh just die already!

Kicks his former self off the reaver.

Raziel: And so it ends, the parody comes full circle.

The Wraith blade flickers back in with a dark bark and begins to twirl on the physical reaver while J-Lo music plays.

Raziel V.O: Sensing it's twin, the wraith blade uncoiled from my arm and embraced it's physical twin. And it left me, I felt hurt, no one likes me, but then, before I could cry like a little bitch, I sensed danger, and this time it wasn't the fan-girls.

The joined Reavers turn on Raziel, he tries to fight this overwhelming randomness, as the Reaver hisses and farts while vibrating worse than Zephon's 'toy'. Raziel is powerless against this.

Raziel V.O: With all other foes defeated, the conjoined blades turned on me, their randomness more powerful than any other. And I realized why I sensed nothing random when Janos offered the blade to me. The reaver was dull when it was made...

The Reaver plunges into Raziel with a cow mooing noise, and his eyes widen in agony and recognition.

Raziel V.O: ... The random and soul devouring entity in the blade, was and always had been, me!

This is why it made that cool explosion when Kain brought down on my head - the reaver could not devour it's own randomness. The paradox shattered the blade.

So this was my destiny, to be sucked into sword, go insane and become a random being that would repeat this fate for all eternity, this sucked!

Raziel falls to his knees, tries to remove the blades, which is just making lots of incoherent sounds and noises while it drains Raziel into itself. Kain reveals himself, he's been playing Nintendogs in the shadows of the Chapel house. Raziel sees him and believes to have been betrayed, he accuses Kain of causing all this randomness.

Raziel: YOU!

Raziel struggles to not loose to the reaver.

Raziel: In pain Are you enjoying this, Kain?

Kain doesn't respond.

Raziel: Uh, Kain?

Kain still doesn't respond.

Raziel: KAIN!

Kain: Oh! Sorry!

Uh, don't fight it, Raziel...

Give in to it...

Raziel: Was this the destiny you had planned for me all along, to be sucked into a sword that makes farting noises?

Kain: Not quite, but anyway, Trust me...

Raziel's strength begins to fade, he starts to collapse.

Raziel V.O: I felt myself weakening, unable to hold back against the randomness. The Reaver was too strong, the compulsion to let go to randomness, too great.

As Raziel begins to surrender to the reaver, which has turned hot pink and singing Hillary Duff, a distortion occurs. Raziel begins to have a revelation.

Raziel V.O: And then a growing sense of vertigo and that weird distortion crap, the moment of randomness when my soul hovered in and out of the sword. This was the moment Kain had waited for, this was the temporal distortion, the drunken moment in time in which Kain had gambled his mother for.

Kain yanks the reaver out of Raziel's's chest.

Raziel: Screams like a bitch

Kain: Now you are free to reclaim your true destiny, Raziel.

History begins to back up and drive over the road bump that is this new obstruction in history, and the room warps, a cow explodes, chickens write the 7th Harry Potter and someone actually likes William Shatner's music. As history alters itself, a dawning horror appears on Kain's face, he has realized he really bitched up history.

Raziel V.O: Behind Kain's eyes, I could new randomness blooming and dying, as history tried to shuffle board itself into a better course around this monumental obstruction.

And I could that perhaps we had pushed history too far this time, gotten it too drunk.

By trying to alter my fate, we have introduced, a fatal paradox.

History begins to settle down as the shuffling ends, but Kain is still scared by the new horrors for saving Raziel from his current randomness.

Kain: My god... The Hylden...

We walked right into their trap, now my plans for that Condo are ruined!

Kain grabs Raziel and tries to warn him.

Kain: Raziel! Janos must stay dead!

But Raziel fades into the spectral realm, meanwhile, Jonny Osmund returns from the pits of hell and attacks a ducks.

Raziel V.O: But Kain's warning was lost as I slipped into the spirit realm, worn out from the randomness. And there waiting for me as always, was the reaver, the wraith blade, my own weird soul, duct-taped to my arm for all eternity. And I realized I could never escape my terrible destiny, I would always be in a parody, but I had merely eluded more parodies for now.

Randomness abhors a paradox

Me: Finally, I am finished, after such a long time, I completed this fiction, now I'll move right on to finishing my Blood Omen 2 fiction and start on a Defiance one too.

Raziel: You vile bastard!

Me: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Now please review and I will give you all a mega-ultra-doom pencil of randomness, with laser guided chicken launcher and an popcorn dispenser. Plus Moebius in a jar!

Moebius: HELP ME!

Please Read and Review, see ya all later!