Part 16 - Narcissism

- Platform 9 3/4 -

One of the back-issues of The Daily Prophet that I managed to acquire despite being stuck in the colonies had a front page article on the Malfoys. At the time I didn't think much of it, suspecting either bribery or an especially slow news day being responsible for such a glorified puff piece taking center stage. Not only did it wax poetic to the point of gushing about the size of the donation they'd just made to Saint Mungo's Hospital, but it did a mediocre job of it too. Spotting Narcissa standing on the platform, I can't help but feel like the accompanying photo of the Malfoy family standing in front of the hospital with Chief Mediwitch Whosiwhatsit was even more tragically lacking than the article. It just... really failed to do the woman justice.

I interrupt what I believe is my brother's- thirteenth..? I may or may not have lost count somewhere around the second- attempt to dissuade me from meeting my 'Cousin Petunia' by mussing his hair. Not that you'd really be able to tell given its natural state of mess. Right on cue, Harry's indignant squawk catches her attention, making her look our way.

"But hey!" I make sure to raise my voice just enough, "Look on the bright side: You and your little buddy Draco will be able to bond next year with shared grumping about 'overbearing elders' and whatnot." I add in the air quotes with the hand that isn't keeping a firm grip on his shoulder.

Gently shoving my brother through the portal over to the muggle side of the station- or as gently as I can manage while amped up on strengthening solution- I pause just long enough to wave cheerfully at Narcissa and her now raised eyebrow before following Harry through.

Shaking my head in disappointment with myself, I choose to firmly believe in the idea that the smile inching across my face despite my best efforts is because no one notices my brother and me spontaneously appearing out of nowhere. Yes… that's definitely it.

My smile is clearly because it's nice to know that even while Wizarding Britain has been circling the drain of stagnation without me, the mild confundus charms layered over the station have been well maintained. My smile is definitely because of the local muggles managing to forgo noticing Hedwig's rather noisy existence as we cross the platform towards the car park; admittedly, that might possibly have as much to do with city dwellers' natural disinclination against acknowledging their fellows existence as it does any actual magics but I digress.

In any case, the important thing is that my smile is most definitely not in any way caused by The Lady Malfoy being drop dead gorgeous. Nor is it in any way related to the short tour of her cleavage that my eyes took before I even realized what they were doing.

...sigh. Merlin, Morgana, and Circe, this newfound distractibility is going to be the death of me. Although… the look on Lucy's face if-

No.

That's a terrible idea. Even if she's a very fit- No. Stop that.

Fortunately, I'm saved from considering Narcissa any further by spotting the Dursleys. Hmmm… or maybe that ought to be unfortunately? I think the fact that I'm able to identify them by simply looking for the largest irate walrus in a suit confirms everything I need to know about them rather nicely. Ramping my smile up to the biggest and brightest I can manage as I walk, I immediately begin making my way towards them with a shouted, "Petunia!"

There's a brief moment of confusion, that classic expression of '...do we know him?' written clearly on both the adult Dursley's faces, before they spot 'the boy' next to me and Vernon starts puffing up.

Double timing the last few meters between us, I reach out and grab the hand he was planning on using to point at us angrily just as he starts to lift it and I begin shaking it enthusiastically. Snape can bitch and moan about their sense of humor all he wants but the Weasley Twins can brew a damn fine product when they set their minds to it; whatever angry tirade Vernon had planned- I stopped caring about his thoughts the moment I found my opportune moment to interrupt them- cuts off with a pained grunt as I nearly wrench his arm out of its socket shaking his hand with my temporarily augmented strength. "And you must be Vernon!" Using his arm for leverage, I pull him into a bear hug, squeezing the air out of his lungs so he can't protest. Lifting him clear off the ground to reinforce my implied point, I ragdoll him back and forth just a bit for my own amusement. "It's so good to finally meet the rest of Cousin Lily's family."

I put him down, giving him a light nudge that sends him back a pace before hugging Petunia. Her hug is as much lighter and briefer as I can manage since I can practically feel those same magics the kept me from visiting them in their home coursing through her veins. To avoid tempting any of the fates, I keep the idea that I need Petunia alive fixed firmly in mind to avoid triggering any wrath. Brilliant and vindictive witch that Lily was, I'm still left having to suppress the urge to immediately start shaking the tingling sensation out of my arms as I step back, barely holding off long enough to use mussing Harry's hair one more time as a cover. Alas, in my distraction the younger walrus appears to have sought refuge behind their car, so I can't complete the trifecta of uncomfortable hugs.

"Well. Much as I hate it, I'm sorry to say that I can't stay and chat. I've got this whole slew of paperwork to file with the Ministry of Education before they close for the day and they make banker's hours look downright reasonable." Not to mention that there's somehow more paperwork involved in becoming a certified tutor for summer lessons than there is to file for emancipation. Probably something to do with how much work it used to produce for the obliviators before they tightened the restrictions.

Taking a step back and turning to Harry, I clap him on the shoulder. I only remember to mind my strength at the last moment but Harry doesn't seem bothered, used to such things as he is.

"Harry." I force myself to continue staring directly at my brother lest I do something rash. "Remember, I'll be picking you up at quarter to 10 next Saturday morning for those study sessions we promised Miss Granger." I may not be able to prove anything, but her being able to even find the paperwork to let us hold said lessons at her house, let alone fill it out correctly, absolutely reeks of the old goat.

"Now you see here!" Walrus senior begins reinflating. "I won't have any of your kind in our neighborhood."

I turn back to face him as slowly as I can physically manage, ratcheting up my smile straight on through to manic as I go. "Mr. Dursley." I head my head tilt slightly to the side and stare at the man. "Did you know that if you were struck by a bus this afternoon, the magics keeping cousin Lily's family safe wouldn't bat an eye? They are technically only concerned with your wife's blood relatives after all. If I were you, I would strongly consider not doing anything to remind the universe of the incredibly superfluous nature of your existence. Your neighbor- Mrs Levensy, down in number… 9... I believe it was? She tells me the universe has a way of revisiting injuries upon the aggressor three-fold or… something to that effect?" I shrug apologetically, dialing my smile down to polite. "I admit, the finer points of her argument were somewhat lost on me as I've always found myself preferring to take a more personal hand in matters rather than leaving things to the universe at large." Another shrug. "In any case, I'm afraid the timing is something we're stuck with as I already promised her that we'd pop round for her little circle's morning tea to finish my tale about tracking down my remaining family and they always meet at precisely 10 am on Saturdays. It's kind of freakish to be honest..." I put on a thoughtful frown, "maybe I should double check to make sure they aren't some manner of robots?"

There's a moment of strangled silence from the Dursley's as their tiny brains slowly work out the implication that the boy will be having social interactions with their neighbors wherein he might ruin some of the various lies they've spread about him.

There's a tug at my arm and I find Harry making a very strange face at me, his mouth doing a decent impression of a fish as he trips over his words for a second, clearly trying to voice more than one thought all at once, before finally settling on what he wants to say. "I don't think I like tea."

"You... don't like tea? But-"

I stare at him, my words failing me. What fresh blasphemy is this?

Wait.

I frown as I'm reminded of my most horrifying discovery while stateside.

I don't like tea anymore.

"That's- Um... that's alright, Harry. I don't think I like tea either. Maybe there's a spell to make it taste like butterbeer or something? I'll check Flourish and Blotts."

Blasted Muggle. He just had to be a colonial.