Deadmeat

In a better DC universe than the New 52 provided…

"She's just down here, Mrs…sorry, what did you say your name was again?" asked Dr. Joan Leland, head of Arkham Asylum, turning to her visitor.

"Amanda Waller," replied the visitor, a grim, unsmiling, large woman who held a briefcase in her grip. "Ms. Amanda Waller."

"Right, sorry," said Dr. Leland. "I get that a lot too, so now I just use the doctor title to save confusion. Not that people aren't confused when they realize that I'm a doctor, a person of my age and background and…"

"I'd like to see Dr. Quinzel, Dr. Leland," interrupted Waller, coldly. "Now."

Dr. Leland sighed, swiping her keycard on the cell block door. "Fine, but I wish you'd tell me what this is all about."

"I'm from the government, Dr. Leland – I'm not obliged to tell you anything," snapped Waller. "You may go," she added, striding into the cell block.

Dr. Leland glared after her, and then turned and stormed away, muttering under her breath about how sometimes she sided with the lunatics on their opinions of the government.

Amanda Waller's heels clicked as she walked past the cells, her eyes fixed straight ahead until she reached the one she wanted. "Dr. Quinzel," she said, looking through the glass at Harley Quinn.

Harley looked up from the picture of the Joker she had been kissing. "The name's Harley Quinn, lady," she replied, glaring at her.

"Your name is Dr. Harleen Frances Quinzel," retorted Waller, glaring back. "We have a very large file on you back at headquarters, and I want to recruit you for my team."

"Sorry, lady, I ain't really a team player," retorted Harley, doing a handstand as she chewed a wad of gum. "And I kinda got a lot on my plate at the moment."

"Yes, I can see that, locked in a cell," said Waller, sarcastically. "But you appear to be under the impression that you have some sort of choice in this matter. You don't. My team is not a voluntary one, and our recruitment is quite selective. Once I decide I want someone inducted, I get them. By any methods necessary."

"Is that a threat?" asked Harley, raising her eyebrow while continuing to stand on her head. "You got some nerve, I'll say that for you, lady. Not a lotta folks are stupid enough to threaten me."

"I'm not afraid of a criminal lunatic – I'm very used to dealing with them," said Waller, calmly. "And you're coming with me, Dr. Quinzel."

Harley chewed her gum, and blew a large bubble, popping it with her tongue. "Ok, I'll bite," she said, smiling. "Whatcha got to make me?"

Waller reached into her briefcase and removed a tiny chip, holding it up to the glass. "When you begin working for me, Dr. Quinzel, you'll have this implanted into your brain," she said. "It's a bomb. It allows me to threaten you with death at any time, because I can activate it whenever I wish, whenever I feel that you're a danger to yourself or others, or the safety of my missions. My team is called the Suicide Squad for that reason – if a mission is too dangerous for the government to send innocent people in, I send you people. All of you hardened criminals who deserve to die, so really no loss for anyone."

"Think my boyfriend might disagree with you," said Harley, blowing another bubble. "And anyway, what makes you think I'll agree to get this chip implanted in my brain? I may be crazy, but I ain't dumb. Or does your file at headquarters believe that dumb blonde stereotype? A lotta people do, y'know."

"Again, you won't have a choice," retorted Waller. "You're agreeing to this, or the man you claim to love will suffer."

Harley burst into a fit of hysterical laughter, which ended in a fit of coughing as she choked on her gum. She fell to the ground, gasping, her face red, and then spat out the wad. She then quickly resumed her giggling fit.

"Yeah, I'd like to see you try to hurt Mr. J!" she chuckled.

"We will," said Waller, firmly. "I work for the government, and our jurisdiction…"

"Mr. J can take the government," interrupted Harley. "Granted, the people who work for them are probably nuttier than the Bat, but not something that's gonna strike fear into his heart. Sorry."

"Dr. Quinzel, I promise you, unless you come with me right now and submit to this implantation procedure, the Joker will suffer," murmured Waller. "I'm a woman of my word."

"Look, I'd do anything to save Mr. J from suffering," said Harley, nodding. "But I just don't believe you can make that happen. How about you, puddin'?" she asked, grinning behind Waller. "Do you believe that?"

Waller felt a burst of sudden pain as something hard slammed into the back of her head, knocking her to her knees. She whirled around, her head reeling, to see the grinning face of the Joker.

"See, that's where idle threats get you," he sighed, holding the fire extinguisher over his head. "So now you see that words can hurt just as much as weapons, can't they, Mrs. Government?"

Waller lunged forward towards the alarm button outside the cell, but Joker got there first, slamming her with the fire extinguisher again and knocking her to the ground.

"Hmm…could strangle her, but doubt I could get my hands around a neck that thick," said Joker, kneeling over her. "Way too much fat. Ain't you heard that obesity is a killer, toots? But don't take my word for it, see for yourself," he said, lifting the extinguisher again.

"Joker, put it down!" demanded Dr. Leland, opening the door to the cell block suddenly surrounded by numerous armed guards, all pointing guns at Joker. "Right now!"

Joker slowly lowered the fire extinguisher to the ground. "Fine, spoil my fun, Doc," he muttered. "But everyone would thank me for one less government worker wandering around."

"Get him back in his cell," said Dr. Leland to the guards. "Securely this time."

She went to go help Waller to her feet. "You're lucky I hung around," said Dr. Leland, smiling, but Waller made a show of helping herself up. She smoothed back her hair, and then reached into her briefcase again, handing a sheet of paper to Dr. Leland.

"Dr. Leland, by the authority of the United States government, I have been authorized to take Dr. Quinzel from this facility to a facility owned by the government, where she will become our agent, implanted with an explosive security chip in case she tries to cause trouble."

"Well, I guarantee Harley will," said Dr. Leland with a smile. "She's not exactly the most solemn or obedient inmate we have…"

"Then she will die," interrupted Waller, coldly. "Now unlock her cell, please."

Dr. Leland looked at Harley, and then back to Waller. "No," Dr. Leland said, slowly. "I'm afraid I can't allow that. Dr. Quinzel is mentally unstable and she needs to remain here to receive treatment…"

"There is no treatment for her!" snapped Waller. "You know that, and I know that! Anyway, this isn't a choice – it's a direct order from the government! Read it!" she said, gesturing to the paper.

Dr. Leland glanced down at it, and then suddenly tore it up. "Sorry, what order?" she asked, lightly.

Waller's eyes flashed fury. "Fine, all of you," she hissed, looking from Harley to Joker and Leland. "We'll do this the hard way."

She turned on her heel and strode toward the door of the cell block. "I'll have another order issued by this afternoon," she called back. "See you then, Dr. Leland."

"Yes, you will," murmured Leland, as the door slammed. She reached for the keys in her belt. "But you won't see Harley," she muttered, unlocking the cell door.

Harley leaped into her arms, hugging her tightly. "Thanks, Joan, you're a real pal!" she exclaimed.

"Yes, and I really hope I'm not fired for it," sighed Dr. Leland, hugging her back. "Now go on, get out of here quickly before she comes back. I'll leave the cell block door open for you – you should be able to slip out through one of the many escape routes you all have found over the years."

"I'll remember this, Joan!" called Harley, dashing off down the hall. "I owe you a really big favor, and I promise I'll repay it! Cross my heart and hope to die, but not with a bomb in my brain!"

Dr. Leland sighed, returning to her office. She went over to the filing cabinet and reached into her pocket for her keys…but they weren't there. Her face fell suddenly. "Oh no," she muttered. "She didn't…while she was hugging me…"

She raced back into the cell block, but her worst fears were confirmed when she saw the Joker's cell door swinging wide open. "Well, that's what I get for being tender-hearted," she sighed. "But maybe it's a good thing. Maybe he can protect her. After all, the Joker might not love Harley, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to see her as a suicide government agent. That's just the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life…"