Dear Diary
Chapter one: Diary, I'll confide in you

XXX

A/N:This is a fic that was prompted by both another fanfic written by Tineyninja and a request by YenGirl. I'm happy they got me to write this, even though it's proven to be harder than I thought… I actually had a little trouble coming up with the best way to tell this story, it took me days. And that's something that I'm just not used to.
Just in case anyone actually notices what I did here; The title of the story and the chapters is simply because I was in the mood for it ;) Also, it provided me with the inspiration needed to actually start this fic. I'm a little curious to see if anyone will even figure out what I'm talking about though…

I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)

XXX

Dear Diary,

Today will be the day. No matter what, today I will tell my special someone that they are, in fact, my special someone. I'm nervous, and a little scared, but I know you will understand. It's not easy after all. If they don't feel the same way about me, it may very well shatter our friendship forever.
Still Diary, I just can't keep quiet any longer. It hurts, you know all about how much it hurts. Seeing this person every single day but not being able to… Ah, I digress.
I will speak to them today, and I will tell you how it went. I should probably go now, though. It's almost noon, if I hurry a little I might still be able to make it to my ten AM meeting with the Hokage,

K.

XXX

As I close the door to my apartment behind me, I can't help but sigh. I know I'm even later than usual, but I just can't seem to bring myself to hurry even a little. Sauntering through busy streets, I bury my nose in my favorite book. The people around here are used to that, and they make sure there are no collisions between our respective bodies. Even though I'll never say it out loud, I really do appreciate that. Especially on days like these, when my mind wanders so much it's not even possible to focus on Icha Icha. I try though. I need the distraction. More than anything else, I need to be distracted right now. I find myself sighing once more. Maybe lunch would be a good idea, I've skipped breakfast again after all. But no, I really should try to hurry a little. If only my legs would agree…

As I enter Hokage Tower, I glance at the clock in the hallway. Almost twelve-thirty. I might've really gone and done it this time. There will be yelling. But honestly, I can't be bothered to care. Flipping a page, I start walking up the stairs.

"Kakashi!"

I don't look up, "Yes, Shizune?"

"We've been waiting! Where were you all this time?"

Even though I still don't look up, a small noise alerts me to the presence of Tonton. Even the pig seems to be annoyed with me today. It's just not fair, really…
"There was this little old lady that needed help crossing the street," I look up now, my vision going black for a moment as I crinkle my eye in what others always seem to assume is a smile.

The raven-haired woman in front of me sighs dramatically, "For two and a half hours, Kakashi?!"

"Eh… She was a little indecisive," One hand rubbing the back of my head, I try to play it off. It seems to work, because she just sighs again, walking me into the Hokage's office. I put the book back in my pouch, glancing around the room with only mild interest. Of course the Hokage is there, but I also see Jiraiya, Asuma, Kurenai and Gai. I suppress another sigh.

"Yo!" Raising one hand, I crinkle my eye again before slouching back into my usual pose. Hands safely tucked into my pockets, shoulders relaxed, "I'm sorry, I think I might be running a little late…"

Tsunade snorts, "I'm used to you being a little late, Kakashi, but this is getting ridiculous!"

I only crinkle my eye again, seems to work a lot. Not this time, though. The blonde is fuming, spouting all sorts of nonsense about how a shinobi must always be reliable, always be on time. I choose not to listen. Instead, my gaze drifts over to my fellow jounin. Asuma seems relaxed, his hands in his pockets like mine even though his shoulders are straight. Kurenai is standing just a little too close to him, also seemingly relaxed. Without pockets to put her hands in, her arms are dangling at her sides. Though she is wearing a slight frown. No matter, it's just because I'm late again. I know her well enough to know that much. Not that I really care, but… Well, that's the way it is, right? Gai is standing on the other side of Kurenai, looking anything but relaxed. But Gai hardly ever relaxes in public, so that doesn't surprise me too much. Only, this time it isn't his usually unrelenting excitement that's causing the man to shift uncomfortably. He seems… Angry with me. I swallow. I don't want Gai to be angry with me. He's my best friend, my self-proclaimed eternal rival. And he's scary when he gets mad. So I focus my attention back on Lady Hokage and the man standing at her side. Jiraiya, the legendary sannin. The guy who robbed me of my student like Tsunade and Orochimaru have as well. A light frown appears on my brow. I'm holding on to the soothing knowledge that they won't see it. The hitai'ite covers that part of my face, like my mask hides my lips when I'm not actually smiling at them and just crinkling my eye to make them believe I am. These people are boring. And annoying. And just generally not good company for me to be around. Not today at least. I suppress another sigh.

"Are you even listening to me?!" Oh boy, the woman's raising her voice with me. That's never a good sign. My vision goes black for a second as my eye crinkles again, my mind working fast to remember what she was talking about.

"I am. I'm really sorry that you seem to think public service is not something we shinobi should bother with, but I'm afraid I have to inform you that I disagree with you on that," I cock my head slightly, hoping to calm her down a little, "And as for briefing, my students are scattered off to different sensei anyway. I don't really see the need to stand here listening to how everyone else's students are doing, let alone hear how my own are doing from someone else…"

She sighs, frowning at me, "You need to be here for the briefing because that actually is a part of your shinobi duties! Helping non-existent old ladies cross the street is not."

I take a small step back, feigning surprise as well as hurt, "I can't help it if you never notice the look of distress on those soft, wrinkled faces –"

Her voice cuts me off, "What's gotten into you lately, Kakashi?" She sounds concerned and caring and all those other things that I really don't need right now.

I swallow, "Nothing…"

Asuma clears his throat, and for once I am grateful for him interrupting the usual banter. I'm just not
in the mood for it today and frankly, she's getting a little too close for comfort anyway.

"Can we just get on with the briefing? Kakashi's finally showed up and I'd like to get this over with so I can get to the rest of my day. I'm sure we all agree," He looks at Kurenai and Gai, but not me. Of course not. I'm the reason everyone's day got delayed in the first place. Inside my left pocket, my hand slowly turns into a fist.

"You're right, Asuma," The Hokage glares at me for a few more seconds, before moving on to the biggest pain in the butt jounin-sensei have to deal with. Apart from inexperienced gennin that are way too cocky for their own good, of course. The briefing. Where we all come together every three months to discuss our team's progress. It really isn't fair that I have to be here for this as well. Sasuke is under Orochimaru's tutelage, Sakura under Tsunade's and Naruto is still studying under Jiraiya. Who shouldn't even be here right now, because that means he's left the boy alone somewhere. God knows what the kid's up to right now…

As Asuma starts his report, my mind wanders. I find myself thinking about one person in particular. I'm thinking of that person way too much. That's actually what's gotten into me. Only not lately. I've been thinking about this person for years now, and I've never actually had the guts to say anything to them. Team 7 proved to be a good distraction, but now they're all scattered about. It's not even Team 7 anymore. And it's certainly not my team anymore. I try not to sigh.

"Is this too boring for you, Kakashi?" Tsunade is frowning at me again.

I can't help myself. I'm just too irritated right now, "Yes, actually it is. I don't even have a team anymore, you sannin stole each and every one of its members. There is no reason for me to be here, and quite frankly, I never cared for these briefings anyway. Every single one of these kids is an individual, and here we are measuring their progress by how far the others have come. It's a complete waste of time!" I don't care anymore, turning on my heels, I bolt out of the office. Almost running down the stairs as I try to find a secluded spot before my tears spill over. I'm useless, aren't I? All my students have been taken away from me, different tutors now teach them what I should be teaching them. I couldn't keep Sasuke here, I couldn't support Naruto enough. I should've paid more attention to Sakura despite the amount of time the other two gobbled up. I'm a worthless, useless piece of shit. I'm no sensei, I'm a failure! Quickly, I make my way back to my apartment. Leaping over rooftops to avoid anyone seeing my tears.

Landing on my balcony, I open the door to the inside of the apartment with the key. Closing the door behind me, I also draw the curtains. I don't want to be disturbed. I quickly put the bolts on all the doors and windows before dropping face down on my bed. Was I really so preoccupied with my crush that I failed my students? They were all promising young gennin. They beat the bell test. They showed great prowess in the Land of Waves. Well, the boys did. To be fair, Sakura didn't start to show any signs of being a proper shinobi until her match with Ino in the chuunin exams. But still, I tried, didn't I? She showed talent for genjutsu, so I trained her in that. But no, little miss Haruno decided she wanted to be a medical kunoichi. That she wanted to study under Lady Tsunade… She never even asked me what I thought about that, she just went and asked the sannin. A sarcastic chuckle works its way through my throat. Why wouldn't she, right? After all, both Sasuke and Naruto already had their sannin teachers. Why wouldn't she want one, too? Anything to get away from me, right? Their perverted, lazy, unreliable sensei.

My pillow and hitai'ite are wet with tears, but I can't seem to stop crying. I briefly wonder what my crush would say if they could see me now, but then violently push the thought away. I don't want to think about their reaction, their disappointment. No-one will ever see me cry. If I managed to swallow my tears at Lord Third's funeral, I will manage to swallow them in public forever more. Would I have been a better sensei if I didn't? If I'd cried at Lord Third's funeral like Kurenai did? Would Sasuke have stayed? Would he have thought that I cared after all? Asked for my tutelage instead of Orochimaru's? Would Sakura have thought me worthy of being her sensei if I'd shown more emotions? Would Naruto have trusted me if I'd been the one to comfort him instead of Iruka?

Iruka… What does that guy have that I don't anyway? Naruto was always talking to Iruka. Always repeating 'Iruka-sensei's' words back to me. When Jiraiya asked him to travel with him, Naruto and Iruka went out for ramen to say good-bye. He only briefly spoke to me. Sakura too. She spoke to 'Iruka-sensei' about wanting to be a medical kunoichi, but not to me. Both of them ignored my presence in their lives as much they could. And Sasuke… Sasuke paid more attention to Sakura than he did to me. I did everything I could to train him for the third stage of the chuunin exams and still he left. I tried to explain to him that I too know loss, and he pushed me away. He went to Orochimaru and then everything turned to rubble. Everything. Would all of that still have happened if I'd chosen to train Naruto instead? Sticking him with Ebisu might not have been the best idea in retrospect but… I truly believed at the time that Ebisu was the better option for Naruto. He wants to be Hokage, right? And Ebisu's tasked with training those who show great promise to one day be Hokage. But Naruto blamed me for that. Blamed me that I apparently chose Sasuke over him. I didn't. I honestly didn't. I just wanted the both of them to have the best training possible! No-one else could train Sasuke, and he wanted above all to learn the Chidori, so I had to train him myself. And I couldn't go back and forth between the two because the Chidori just takes a lot of work. Besides, Naruto needed to get a different view, and learn different techniques. He wasn't ready for things like the Chidori or advanced taijutsu yet. I thought Ebisu would be the best option to give him a crash course. Apparently I thought wrong… I've never been wrong about these kinds of things before, I only fucked up with those three. And now they hate me, they hate me so much they prefer the questionable tutelage of Orochimaru and Jiraiya over mine. Even Sakura's decided she'd rather deal with Tsunade's violence than be my student. I'm a failure as a sensei, a failure as a man. I'm lonely…

Pushing myself up, I rest my back against the wall. The picture we all took when Team 7 was formed is on my windowsill, next to the picture of my own gennin team. Minato-sensei is dead. Obito is dead. Rin is dead. Sasuke has joined up with the enemy, becoming a missing nin. Naruto is off training with 'pervy sage' probably learning more about women than jutsu. Sakura is holed up in the library five days a week, getting a beating from 'Milady' on the other two days. I really don't have anyone left. Sighing, I push myself off the bed. I need someone to talk to.

XXX

"I'm sorry, Minato-sensei. I failed you. I failed my teammates. I failed my students. You've got every right to be angry with me. I failed your son. I know you always wanted me to be his sensei, I know you and Kushina thought I would guide him. That I would show him the importance of teamwork, of friendship. I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry, Obito. You taught me the most important lesson I have ever learned, but I neglected your sacrifice. I failed them. I didn't teach them how important it is to work together, and they all went off on their own path. I know you probably hate me for that. And you should. You gave your life so I would learn this lesson, so I would pass it on. I'm so sorry, Obito.
And Rin, I must apologize to you as well. You gave up everything for this village. For the people who needed you most. For me. I'm so sorry, Rin. I have failed you as well. I didn't keep the village safe. Lord Third died and I did nothing to protect him. I am so sorry. I didn't pass on your will of fire. Sasuke left. I failed him like I failed you. Like I failed all of you.
Father… I'm not the son you envisioned, am I? You used to lead by example, and I tried so hard to do the same. But my example wasn't good enough, father. If it were, they would all still be here. They would be safe, and growing. But instead both of the boys are out somewhere, and I don't even know where. And all the while Sakura is still here, but I don't even know how she is doing, either. She refuses to speak with me, father. That's how much of a failure I am. My own students want nothing to do with me. My friends are angry with me, and you're… I failed you, father. I am so sorry. I'm not the son you deserved, I'm –"

"I knew we'd find you here, Kakashi."

I don't turn around. I've resolved that no-one should ever see me cry, haven't I? So I purposefully relax my stance, keep my voice in check, "Asuma, Kurenai, Gai," I suppress another sigh, "What do you want?"

"We just want to make sure you're okay," Kurenai approaches, and I step aside so her extended hand falls on thin air.

"I'm fine. Why would you assume otherwise? Just because I got fed-up with early meetings that bore the living daylights out of me?" I keep my tone light, turning to face them, head cocked to the side, eye crinkle securely in place.

"It is not something I am used to from my usually hip and cool rival!" Gai exclaims, but then he turns serious. There's always something terribly wrong when Gai just up and turns serious… I sigh.

"My friend, what is wrong?" Gai's tone is soft, and it tugs at my already wounded heart. I can't deal with it.

"I'm just bored. I'm always bored. Don't read so much into it, Gai," I start to walk away, but my rival's voice stops me.

"Then I propose a challenge! Show my your youthful determination to win and I might accept your obviously made-up excuse, my friend!"

I honestly don't know whether to sigh or smile, so I do neither, "I'm not really in the mood, Gai. Some other time, alright?"

"So you're depressed again, is that it?"

Asuma's conjecture is way too close, so I decide to prove them wrong, "No, but they're showing the Icha Icha movie again at the theater. If I hurry, I may be able to watch it in marathon for the rest of the day," I jump up and into the trees. Away from the memorial stone and my comrades. Apparently I can't even speak to the dead without being bothered by the living. Not fair.

XXX

I don't really intend to go to the theater. If the book couldn't distract me earlier, I have no hopes for the movie being any more distracting. So I head back to my apartment instead. Maybe I'll clean up a little, god knows the place needs it. But as I make the high jump up to my balcony, I find none other than Maito Gai calmly sitting on the railing.

"Please don't lie to me, my friend," There is a little hurt in his voice, and I can feel my shoulders slump. I sigh.

"So I changed my mind and decided my laundry was more important after all," I shrug, "That's not exactly what I call lying, Gai."

But he doesn't reply to me, instead raising his voice to the couple that I only just now realize is staking out my front door, "He's here! My youthful instincts proved right once again, my friends!"

My gaze drifts to the clouds up above, "Gai, just leave me alone, will you?" I can't suppress the sigh that wells up, but it doesn't really matter. He'll just chalk it up to me being 'hip and cool' or whatever.

But he doesn't. Clearly doesn't. Grabbing my flack vest, Maito Gai pulls me along. Jumping back down to street level, we apparently meet up with Asuma and Kurenai. From what my ear catches, we're supposed to go for drinks. Just great… I try to protest, but no-one even listens. So I get dragged into the bar that Gai and I held our last drinking challenge in. I was the idiot who'd said I like the place. Here, we're apparently meeting up with Genma, Raidou and the twisted twins. Which means Izumo and Kotetsu. Anko seems to have invited herself too, and she's already well on her way to being drunk beyond belief. I kind of like that about her. Anko never gets tangled up in her thoughts: She just gets drunk. I kind of wish I could just do the same. But that's not exactly my style, now is it? I get pushed down into a chair and a glass of shochu is shoved in my hand. I have no idea who's responsible for either of those things, as my eye is crinkling again. They think I'm smiling, I know I'm pushing back tears. I sigh softly.

XXX

The drinking continues well into the night. I skipped breakfast, lunch and dinner, so I'm feeling a little… Fuzzy. Not that I'm actually drinking that much. Most of the glasses that get pushed into my hand get emptied in the plant beside me. It's probably drunk by now. And dead by morning. I don't really care. Even though this whole annoying thing is supposed to be about cheering me up, most of these guys are just chatting away, getting drunk. I don't care. The only thing I really care about is that every time I try to leave, someone pushes me back down. Adds another glass of alcohol to the plant. Well, I'm doing that, but what other option do I really have? That thing is gonna die now anyway. Might as well give it an amazing last night on earth, right? I've tried to read as well – I have no idea where my book has gone. Raidou had it last, I think. I sigh again.

The others seem to be enjoying themselves, Genma's right in the middle of regaling them all with a story of his latest conquest. I'm getting sick and tired of this. I don't care who he's slept with, and I don't care how amazingly far her limbs could bend. I honestly don't. Usually I might. But not today. It makes me wonder how far a certain someone's limbs might be able to bend. Even though I've already got a pretty good idea. Still, it's an unwelcome thought. So I get up, muttering something about getting us all another round. Happy nods all around as I make my way over to the bar. I order the drinks, slumping over the polished wood. I promised myself I would tell that person how I feel about them. That I would do it today. I glance at the clock. Today is only going to last me another ten minutes or so. I sigh. This is not how I envisioned my day going. This is not how I envisioned my life going. The tray of glasses is set down in front of me, but I don't care. I can't be bothered to bring more liquor to my already much to inebriated so-called friends right now. I'm too busy feeling sorry for myself. What? Even the famous copy ninja is allowed to sulk every now and then, right? And I'm choosing to do that right now. Deal with it. I sigh.

"My friend, what is the matter?" Gai's tone is soft.

I only sigh again, glancing at the clock. Five more minutes to midnight. I should get out of here. I don't want to think about anything anymore. Not now. Not when I should be… I sigh.

"Kakashi… This isn't just about your students leaving is it?" He has to almost shout the question in my ear, our 'friends' are making quite the ruckus behind me. I shake my head, but decide I'm not going to try and raise my voice over the loud laughter coming from behind.

A warm hand is rested on my shoulder, squeezing gently, "Please tell me, my friend?!" He still has to yell. A humorless chuckle escapes me. Of course Gai would be the one to follow me here. Gai of all people. I glance back up at the clock. One minute before midnight. I sigh, straightening my back. Promises matter. I mentally prepare myself to yell, having to make my voice loud enough to be heard over the insane noise coming from the guys. I swallow. Ten more seconds to midnight.
Without warning, the ruckus calms down, but I'm already yelling.

"I'm in love with you, Gai!"