A/N: It is with a sad heart I write this note. My dad passed away on December 21, peacefully in his sleep. He lived with vascular dementia for a long time and finally decided it was time to go. I miss him, but in all honesty I have been grieving losing him for a long time already. My dad lived a full and eventful life. He did the very best he could, and I am going to do the same.
Like I've said before, he is part of the inspiration for writing this story. And now, I get to finally finish it. It started out as snippets in my mind, of Meredith's children taking care of their mother with Alzheimer's... but became something... much more extraordinary.
I know you'll be sad to see this story end, but I am happy and relieved to see this work finished. I am thankful for all my readers. I wouldn't be able to complete this without hearing how much you love and appreciate this story.
Without further adieu...
Enjoy!
You've pricked your finger on the spinning wheel. You've eaten the poisoned apple. You feel you'll never get your happy ever after. What do you do? Are you supposed to wait for your shining prince to rescue you? Some wandering soul to notice your distress and slay the dragon that guards you?
Of course not. You fight. Because you are the only one who can slay the dragon. Sometimes that poor prince has his own dragon to fight. Or sometimes the prince is a helpless frog. But that doesn't mean you can't join forces, and it doesn't mean you can't call for reinforcements.
As my mother said once... Just. Keep. Going.
June 16 2038 North Cove.
Meredith
Ellis's sails snapped, ricocheting in the wind as Derek maneuvered his beloved sailboat into position at the co-ordinates I gave him. The early morning breeze gently rippled the water around us, lapping the sides of the boat.
"This is different," Sonny said, giving me pepperoni breath. Grunting, he handed me a slimy half of his deli sub. Our ten year ritual.
I put my coffee cup down to accept his offering, watching Derek throw anchor and drop the sails a few feet away from us. "Yeah," I agreed, taking a bite. It was different this time. This time, I wasn't the grieving widow. I wasn't the scared mother worried about the future or the demented woman lost in the past
My mind was my own again. I was me. I had my husband back... and my children-
My gaze wandered back to Derek gently folding and securing the sails. When he stopped, his gaze met mine. But the stormy reflection troubled me. I squished the sandwich. Mayo oozed out the back.
"You okay?" Sonny asked me.
"Is it possible to feel a thousand things at once?" I expelled. Because, seriously... we got the happy ever after part, didn't we? Then what's that angst in Derek's eyes? What's that downward curve of his lips? Why did my chest ache, just a little, at the lonely sight of him now staring out at the sun peaking over the distant horizon?
Sonny took a sip from his flask, baring his teeth in a wince, and offered me some. I shook my head, too worried. "He looks hungry," he nodded at my sandwich. "Maybe you should share."
Derek eating this fattening mess? Yeah, right. But- we'd left so early to get here we hadn't bothered much with food. I stood up and stepped carefully to his side. "Hey," I couldn't help but let my fingers slip through his curly locks.
"Hey," he leaned into my touch.
"Hungry?" I offered him a piece of sandwich.
Derek gave it a good once over, "Mm," he frowned, and turned back to stare at the horizon.
"Derek, what's wrong?" I had to get to the bottom of this. He was happy before... happy on the way here, but once we'd set course... Derek turned silent.
"You came here, every year," he said.
"Yes," I said, rubbing his arm.
"Ten years, Mere. Ten years- and I-" he shook his head. "I missed it. I missed you."
I followed his gaze to the little speck of land he likely washed up on and squeezed his forearm. What could I say? Had we passed each other by at some point? Like strangers in the night, were we once in the same place, just not at the same time? Had we missed each other by mere moments? Mere feet? It was impossible to know. My fingers slipped through his and I squeezed.
"It was chaos that day, Derek. A real mess. Did you know the coast guard had the wrong coordinates for your boat? It veered off its usual path and they were hit before they updated the course. They didn't get the new coordinates for a few days, and it was a week before they could search again- by then-"
"I could have been off the island by then," he mulled.
"You lost your memory Derek, that's not your fault. And I wanted to look for you. I wanted to scour every island, every rock, but-"
"You had the kids," he said.
"Zola was involved in everything. Bailey stayed in his room and constantly played video games, or partied with his friends, and Ellis didn't speak to me. I had to-"
"It's not your fault," Derek's hands cupped my cheeks.
It wasn't his either. I took each of his hands and held them in my own, stroking his knuckles. "It's no one's fault. We've got to let this go," I said. There wasn't room anymore for pain or loss, or grief. We'd overcome that now. We were together. This was the happy ever after part.
It was supposed to be, anyway.
He pressed his lips together, his brows furrowed. A deep long sigh that both pained and frustrated me escaped him. He didn't get it yet, but he would. I reached into the inside pocket of my jacket and pulled out my red journal. Ellis gave it back to me after her book was published, and now, finally, I knew what to do with it.
I flipped open the cover to the first page, marked this very same date, ten years ago. Derek Shepherd, MIA June 16 2028, case file# 260192... My familiar scrawl continued down the page with further details, names, dates, phone numbers, case files... websites... everything.
I let Derek look at it, just for a second. Then I tore the looseleaf page out and threw it over the side of the boat. "This is ten years, Derek. Ten years of grieving. Ten years of waiting for the other shoe to drop. We don't have to do that anymore." I ripped the second page off, the one with the name of the boat he was on, the one with the wrong coordinates that search and rescue was given, that sent them 100 miles off course, and handed it to him. "We're going to let it go, Derek." People suffered and died. Families were ripped apart. Homes and livelihoods destroyed in less than a moment... "I got you back," my throat ached. I didn't know why. My body just wanted to cry. "I got my happy ever after. We got it. How many people didn't?" I croaked. "I mean, yeah, ten years is a long time-"
"But it's not forever" said Derek, reading my mind.
"It's not," I breathed, wiping the tears tracking down my cheeks. If he hadn't found me when he did, I wouldn't be here. My Alzheimer's cure may have burned down inside my old house. Or I might never have dreamed it into existance.
"Oh Meredith," he breathed, reading my need for him expressed in the tears on my face..
"C'mon," I ripped the third page out. The one with the phone numbers of all the hospitals within a 300 mile radius. Leaning slightly over the side, I let the page go, letting the wind catch it and drive it into the waves.
Derek folded his in half and released it, watching it spin and rock with the wind until it landed in the ocean. The ink mixed with the salt water, streaking the green ocean with dark blue veins. I ripped another page and handed it over. Together, we released a decade of grief and pain into the wind, to embrace our happy ever after.
xxx
As the sun warmed us, we arrived at the dock. Sonny hopped out, immediately tying the lines to moor Derek's sailboat. Derek followed, but reached to help me. I fell into his chest and giggled.
"I'm still your knight in shining whatever..." he smirked.
"Yeah," I agreed. "Still everywhere, still saying things," I pulled him close and kissed him.
A rough cough interrupted us, and I smiled at Sonny standing awkwardly to my left.
"So, will I see you again?" he asked.
"Uh," I glanced at Derek. "Actually, we might see you more," I said. "We're buying the clinic." We were going to make a difference, in some small way. Help repair the damage of a ten year tsunami on our lives. Though technically, we weren't licenced doctors anymore, we worked with Nanimo General and Grey-Sloan. A resident would be sent here every three months for disaster training and search and rescue medical tactics, while helping run the clinic.
Sonny chewed on his cigarrette, quizzical.
"You like kids?" Derek asked. "There's this kid, Benny- he likes to fish. He could use a guy like you."
Benny's mother had been hired as an office assistant. Derek felt a connection to the boy and his mother, and he wanted to help as best he could, and I agreed.
"Mm," Sonny grunted. He dipped his head in a nod of understanding. "I guess I'll be seeing you," he said.
I pulled out of Derek's grip and crashed into the cantankerous fisherman's arms. "Thanks," I breathed into his smokey jacket. I had no more words for his quiet support over the years as I grieved... and hoped. "I needed somebody, and..." He was there.
He squeezed back so hard I almost couldn't breathe. "Somebody was lookin' out for you," he said. "It wasn't just luck."
"I know," I couldn't disagree. Getting Derek back? That was a billion to one odds. We were more than lucky.
Sonny yanked Derek over, pumping his hand in a strong shake and thumping his back. "I'll see you soon," he said gruffly. "Take good care of her," he said.
We watched him go, the light wind circling us as I curled into my husband. But there, coming toward us on the docks was Ellis' familiar frame, wearing a blue scarf that trailed behind her in the wind.
"Hey!" she called.
"What are you doing here?" I asked.
"You won't believe it!" she waved her phone, "I got accepted!"
"What?" Derek and I exchanged grins as we nearly ran toward her. "Accepted? Which school?"
"Columbia Journalism school!" Ellis gushed. "They're thrilled about the book, and my portfolio!"
"That's amazing, Ellis," Derek hugged her. "I knew you could do it."
"I'm so happy for you," I added. "I'm so proud." She'd done it. Gone against the grain, pursued her own dream, determining to make her own happy ever after. I pushed her dark hair out of her face, to gaze into her intense blue eyes. She was so much like Derek, yet... I saw me in her too.
Derek's phone beeped. "It's Zola," he said, glancing at the text. "She and Bailey just got on the ferry here." He jiggled his truck keys. "C'mon, I'll take you guys back to the cabin, and then go pick them up."
But Ellis was staring at the sailboat, at her name printed in white against the black painted wood. I squeezed Derek's hand. When he'd lost his memory, he'd dreamed of his daughter, and those dreams, though traumatizing, had given him hope.
Ellis too, struggled with this trauma, and I couldn't help her. We'd both been too broken and hurt to face it. But one day, Ellis let go of her anger at me, though I never knew why. Later, when Derek came back to us, he spoke to her. Since then, my daughter changed. She seemed a little more bright and shiny.
"The cabin's not far, maybe mom and I could take a walk." Ellis looked up at her father, and they exchanged a knowing glance.
"I don't mind," I shrugged.
"Okay," Derek pulled me to him and kissed my forehead.
I cupped his cheeks, drawing him in closer, I softly pulled on his upper lip with mine. A kiss to remember. "I love you," I breathed.
"Mm, I love you. I won't be long." His eyes sparkled. "Wait for me."
Ellis and I watched him climb into the truck and waved him off. She looped her arm through mine as we turned to walk to the cabin. My endurance and balance had been returning slowly over time, and I was so thankful to feel normal again, though I had my moments.
"How was it?" she asked. "You okay?"
I pondered the last few moments on the boat. Derek. Every time before this, though I wasn't alone, I'd been alone in my grief, alone in my pain... But now- I wasn't alone, and I wasn't grieving or in pain. We said goodbye to it all. Gave it back to the ocean. I patted Ellis' arm. "I'm okay," I smiled. "More than okay."
"Good," she said.
We wandered down the path through tall, lush, green trees. Birds flitted and fluttered around us, a squirrel bounded across our path, stopping to size us up before taking cover in the notch of an old stump. We walked across a small wooden bridge that covered a fast moving stream. For a second, I stopped to watch the rushing water slipping through as it made it's way eventually to the ocean.
"How are you?" I finally asked, as we climbed up the stairs that led to our cabin. "Your dad, last night, he had a nightmare," I shared. I supposed the proximity to the ocean, and the anniversary date... might have had an effect. If it hit him... it might have hit her too. When she was young, Ellis had nightmares, but she never shared them with me. "Did you sleep okay?"
"Yeah mom," she said. "I haven't had a nightmare since..." she trailed off, helping me up some of the more difficult steps. When we got to the top, she waited while I caught my breath. Our cabin was only a few yards away. Slowly, we made our way to it.
"Mom, I think I should tell you something," Ellis said.
"Oh?"
"Yeah," she guided me up the front porch to our cabin and unlocked the door. We stepped into the musty home, the air was stale, and dust motes hovered around us, but it was homey, and a warm glow cascaded in from the skylights. I wasn't a big fan of 'rustic,' but I wasn't picky either. This was just as much home to me right now as the dream house was.
Tired from the climb, I collapsed on the big comfy couch and patted the seat beside me. Ellis grabbed a blanket and dropped down, covering us. She fiddled for a moment, nervous. Then she closed her eyes and let out a breath.
Oh.
I drew my knees to my chest, folded my arms on top and waited silently. Was she finally going to tell me what happened That Day, ten years ago? Was I ready to hear it?
Mirroring me, Ellis tugged on the blanket, "Dad was beside me, on the boat. We were the only ones looking toward shore," she began. "Then the wave hit-" she swallowed, "I don't know how, but I caught him."
"Caught him?"
She nodded. "Somehow, I was holding onto him with one arm, and the rail with the other." She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "It happened so fast, we were moving so fast..." she sniffed. "It was wet, and cold. And loud. He called me. He called my name. I think I called him too. I remember..."
I watched Ellis look down at the blankets, her long thin fingers plucking the bottom threads. I closed my eyes, and for a second, I was on that boat too. For a second I was screaming his name.
Derek!
Meredith!
Ellis!
Dad!
"He told me to let go, mom."
You have to-
You have to let me go.
Derek! Derek!
My eyes leaked. Ellis lived this. Everyday. Conciously or unconsciously, she bore that for ten years. He fell. Tumbled, down down... down into the abyss, and no one could catch him in time. My throat squeezed.
"Mom," Ellis's voice interrupted. "I didn't want to let go. I couldn't. I... loved him too much. I blamed you for so long. I just thought... if you were there-"
If I was there, maybe...
I remembered this game. The maybe game. Maybe I could have helped. Maybe... But the problem with the maybe game was that there could be too many maybe's. Maybe, I could have saved them both. Or maybe... I would be lost too. Or maybe...
It was impossible.
"I was so mad," Ellis continued. "At you, at dad... at Zola and Bailey. Just so mad... I couldn't speak."
"I know," I reached for connection, and touched her blanket covered knee. "Ellis... there's nothing you could have done differently-"
"-He stabbed me." Ellis interrupted. "He told me to let go, and I couldn't, so he stabbed my hand with his key. That's what he told me. That's what I blocked out. All this time, I thought I chose to drop him, but-"
I saw the picture now. The boat, tilted up on the wave. A little girl, desperately clinging to her father almost twice her size... Gravity was winning. Derek knew she couldn't possibly hold on long enough, so he made her let go. "He saved you." I stated. "He knew he might have a chance by himself in the ocean, but not with you too."
"Yeah," Ellis sniffed.
"He made you let go," I said quietly. The words seemed to echo and dance around in my head, in my thoughts.
I just told Derek today to let it go. All the misses. All the what if's, the maybe's.
And when there's a crisis, you don't freeze, you move forward-
You get the rest of us to move forward too.
It was like seeing my mother's blood under the kitchen table all over again. This was my daughter's Dark and Twisty. "You went through so much," I said. "I never realized- I didn't know..." I sat up and scooted closer to my daughter. "I wanted to help you " I said. "You lost a part of yourself. You got stuck."
"Yeah," she sniffed. "Like... for the longest time, I was walking through really thick mud. And I didn't know where it came from, or how to get through it."
"But you did get through."
"I just kept trying," Ellis said, "I worked on all these little things, until one day I didn't hate you anymore, and one day I wanted to make things better for people, and one day I could sleep without having a nightmare, and..." She trailed off. "And then I helped publish a book, and now I'm here, right where it happened... and- I'm okay."
"Yes," I agreed, pulling her into my arms. Ellis rested against me, her body warm and solid, much like it had been when she'd been born. I was so scared when I had her. It hurt so much I thought I might die. I thought I would lose her.
But I didn't. I woke up and saw her. Saw her precious face. Held her warm body to mine and counted her fingers and toes as she squirmed and kicked.
I had so much pain in my life- Pain after drowning. My miscarriage. Losing my sister. Losing my husband... But-
Always, after each of these 'pains,' I got something back. After drowning? New zeal for living. Miscarriage? Zola. I Lost Lexie, but gained Maggie. Lost my husband and myself, but gained a true, unique, remarkably strong bond with my children.
Now he was home, and I was healing. We had a clean slate.
"I'm sorry I worried you, mom." Ellis squeezed.
She too, had that pain... but she fought to overcome. Fought for something greater. It was extraordinary.
"S'okay," I said. "It's water under the thing or whatever." Suddenly tired, I leaned back against the couch and closed my eyes.
"Yeah," Ellis agreed. I felt her fingers brush through my hair, comforting me. "Okay. Love you mom."
"Love you," I returned.
Fairytales can come true. Maybe there are happy ever afters for the Dark and Twisty after all. You just had to fight the dragon before you could kiss the prince. And I'd beat a lot of dragons and kissed a lot of princes... Well... only one, really. Over and over and over again. Sometimes it took more than one kiss...
"Hey."
I looked into Derek's piercing eyes and smiled.
"You made it," he said.
"I did," I replied, turning to him.
"Mm," he kissed my lips in greeting. Pulled into him, I watched the dark horizon disappear and looked toward the glow of Seattle's skyline as we moved in that direction. "Ready?" he asked.
"For what?" I looked up at him, following his gaze to something behind us. My world tilted. Literally. A massive black wave reared up behind us, under us. It's thundering roar deafening.
"Derek-"
"It's okay," he said, "do you trust me?"
"I-" My heart churned. I wanted to. I knew what would happen if I did.
Wait, who was this man again?
"Meredith," another voice called. My mother. She shook her head at me and rolled her eyes.
"Mom?"
An amyloid plaque drifted in between us. She popped it with a finger, disintegrating it into a thousand splattering drops."Just... keep going."
"Meredith," he called again. I turned- The ferry boat tilted, Derek stumbled and I tottered after him, but then he hit the rail and-
I lost my balance too. My world flipped, spun. Flashes of the boat, the massive black wave, Derek- I saw Derek reaching-
Everything jolted and shuddered. My arm came out of its socket, and I hung there, terrified at the angry black water beneath me. Derek. Where was Derek? "Derek!" I screamed. Was he- ? Did he-?
"Meredith!"
I looked up. He was holding onto both me and the boat. My lifeline. "Derek," I choked.
"Meredith," he said, "Do you trust me?"
"I-" We were in a precarious position, weren't we? The water churned angrily beneath us, and the ferry tilted impossibly above. Derek's knuckles were white. How would he pull me up? How could I-
"-Meredith?" Derek asked again. He pressed his lips together, silently begging.
"Yes," I answered. I trusted him.
"Okay," he nodded, "Hang on."
And then he let go of the rail.
We fell together, plummeting down, down to the water. At some point he gathered me in his arms and pressed me close to him. We kept falling. I braced for impact.
It never came.
Everything turned white...
There was no sky, no wave. Just a ceiling. The ceiling of my room. I was in my bed. Something floated down toward me, a photo. I grabbed it in mid-air. It was me and my children, and Derek. All of us together. More pictures floated around me. My memories. I remembered taping them all around my room, so I wouldn't- so I couldn't forget.
Now they were coming back to me, in bits and pieces.
I sighed.
Beside me, something rumbled.
Oh.
My husband Derek slept in my arms, his face on my chest. I spread my fingers through his gray curls, comforted. I trusted him, and we were here. Something else rumbled on my other side. Oh. Zola's long body warmed mine, her hand over the book resting on my stomach. Goodnight Moon. Behind her, I recognized Bailey's fly-away hair. The only one missing was Ellis. But then I saw her hand on Derek's arm as she rested on his side. Complete utter peace and gratefulness burbled in me. I was home safe. I kissed my prince, and closed my eyes.
"Meredith." Someone stroked my cheek. "Meredith, wake up."
I blinked, squinting at the bright light falling in my eyes. Derek. His cool lips touched mine, and I shivered, but tugged on them still, wanting him closer. For a few long seconds, the world faded and it was just him and me.
"Gamma!" B.D shrieked, stomping loudly on the wooden floor. Before I knew it, he was on top of me, little arms wrapping around me in a hug.
"Oompf," I returned his hug, pressing my cheek into his curly hair. Vestiges of my dream came back in little bits, and I felt my eyes water. "You made it," I said to Derek while I held onto my wiggling grandson.
"I did," he said.
"We made it," I said. B.D sprung from my lap, already interested in something else.
"We did," Derek nodded knowingly. "Lunch is ready," he stood up and reached for me. I took his hand, gathered my balance, and let him pull me up.
Do you trust me?
He led me to the kitchen. I stopped in the doorway, watching my family. Ellis handed out silverware, Zola set out the plates. Bailey dished soup from the big pot into bowls. Derek held a heaping plate of grilled cheese sandwiches and placed it in the middle. B.D sat on a chair on his knees, attempting to pour juice. Quickly, Derek was there, helping.
"Mom," Zola hugged me.
"I wasn't sure you'd make it," I squeezed. Things were getting better in Africa, but it was still a dangerous place sometimes. I worried.
"I made it, I'm here," she reassured.
Over her shoulder I caught my son's eye. Something was different. "Hey mom," he set the last bowl of soup down and came around the table. He hugged me so tightly I almost cried. "What's wrong?" he pulled away to look at me.
"Nothing, I missed you." I said. He'd only been gone for six weeks, and he called home all the time, but- my mind constantly cascaded thoughts and memories at unexpected times, and there were moments, days even... when I just really missed him.
"I'm okay, mom. I'm great," he said. "Dr. Stanley is showing me so much. And Zola won't let me get away with anything, I swear."
"Good," I sighed. "You look different."
"I got a tan," he smirked. "Well first it was a burn-"
"You look... confident. Happy."
He smiled. That happy grin he had as a kid. Like his father, Bailey was always moving, always active in life, and always happy. Until the tsunami. And when I was diagnosed, he became someone else. The original happy Bailey became subdued under mountains of stress.
But now, I could see his light returning.
"I'm happy now, mom." He said. "I'll be okay."
And I knew he would be.
I gazed again over the table stretched before me. Zola was magnificent as she held B.D on her hip, keeping his messy hands away from the juice he'd spilled. Wiping with the other, while Derek held up the plates. She teased, and kissed B.D on the forehead, before setting him down. She was already a wonderful mother.
Derek looked up and I caught his gaze.
I want to die, at 110, in your arms.
You're everything. I can't live without you.
I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you...forever.
My cheeks flushed from the intense rush of feeling in me. This was beyond... My happy ever after was beyond... anything I ever imagined for myself. Everything moved in slow motion. I saw them. My family. Each one a piece of me. Each one moving in sync for me. For Derek. For each other.
And each one of them, each piece had already changed the world.
This is why you fight. To get to this moment. These moments with the people you love and who love you. You slayed the dragon, you dealt with the things that held you back in life. Now you can rest, and see for once, all that you have done and accomplished.
"Mere?" Derek brushed my back. Tears ran down my face, my cheeks burned.
"Why cry?" B.D asked, chewing on the crust of his sandwich.
"I-" the words wouldn't form on my lips. It was hard to breathe. I squeezed Derek's hand so tight, I heard him gasp. "I just wanted you guys to be healthy. Happy." Ordinary. "I never imagined anything else, but you..." I looked at each one of them, they stared awkwardly back. "You're all extraordinary. I... I can't even take the credit. I just... I love you all, and I'm proud of you."
My kids blinked in shock. Bailey loudly cleared his throat. Zola swallowed, and leaned to kiss B.D's head.
Ellis put her glass down. "Well... um, ditto?"
I laughed. We all did. Glasses clinked with cheers. Derek pulled my chair back for me and sat at my side. "Well, let's eat!" he exclaimed. He draped his arm around the back of my chair and leaned in close."This is the happy ever after part, you know," he whispered in my ear.
I took his hand in mine, kissed his knuckles, "I know."
The happy ever after part.
Celebrate it! Embrace it! Because these moments, while big... are fleeting. Life continues, and there may be more dragons in your path in the future. So you must fight for those moments, or risk losing them forever. And when you get them, never forget!
~ Fin ~
A/N: Thanks again, all of you. I will be taking some time away from fanfiction for a bit. But I will be back to finish my current stories. Truthfully, I can't wait to get into a good book. Any recommendations?
Wishing you all a fantastic New Year!