Disclaimer: Why do I even have to do this? I know I don't own nothing, you
know I don't own nothing. Guess what? I still don't own nothing (except
purposely bad grammar)
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((The scene is the Pillars. Faustus has just got done fixing the place up and now everything looks pretty and frilly. Oh, and the entire place was painted pink with frilly carpets))
Faustus: (loving sigh) This place is just so pretty. I surely am an artiste!
(then Kain and the lieutenants return, minus the hippy Chong. Chong got stoned and wandered into a trash compactor. Kain saw the place and shrieked)
Kain: (little sissy shriek) Gyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! The Pillars!!
Faustus: How do you like the place? I think it's purty.
Melchiah: But everything's bright pink!! I'm gonna go blind!
Faustus: Oh come on! I painted the entire place myself! This is the first victim of my Beauty Service. With my Beauty Service, I make things nice and pretty.
Kain: (shrieking like a eunuch) Gyyyyyyaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!! The Pillars!!
Dumah: Ooh! Ooh! I wanna look pretty!
Faustus: I even thought I'd make you vamps a dog house.
Raziel: But we don't HAVE ANY DOGS! Or wood!
Faustus: I know you don't have any dogs, but I thought a bright blue dog house would make the place have more of a Victorian atmosphere.
Turel: Who in the world builds stuff with wood in Nosgoth?
Faustus: (while applying lipstick) No need to worry. I called the Jesus Carpenter Service.
Kain: (shrieking like a boy band member) Gyyyyyyaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!! The Pillars!!
Dumah: Can I look pretty?? Please??
Melchiah: Me too! I need more hair!
Faustus: Why sure.
Kain: FAUSTUS!! Get the hell out! Go! Go now you ugly, punk-ass, pretty-boy dumbass!
(so Kain boots Faustus out of the Sanctuary of the Clans)
Dumah: Buu-uu-uu-uut Kaaaaaiiiinnnnn! I wanted to look pretty!
Melchiah: And I wanted a wig! I'm so bald that if you put a magnifying glass over my head, the light would reflect and burn things!
Kain: (caring voice) Dumah, as your loving father, you can rest assured that you'll always be ugly and Melchiah will always be bald. Oh yeah, he'll also always be ugly. I'm telling you this because I care.
Dumah: (with a touch of hope in his voice) Really? You really care?
Kain: No, not really.
Dumah: (while running away crying) I'M GONNA BE BEAUTIFUL NO MATTER WHAT!!
Melchiah: Yeah! And I'll have a full head of hair as pretty as a garden of flowers!
Zephon: And I'll marry some banana pudding!
Kain: WHY ARE ALL OF MY LIEUTENANTS RETARDS??
((so, to release some frustration, Kain decides to start filming the movie. Unfortunately, instead of the dark, gothic atmosphere, everything has a more preppy, upbeat and friendly atmosphere thanks to everything looking pink and frilly. Kain as 'Raziel' was on the platform above the abyss))
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (looking over the ledge) Yep, the abyss is still there.
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Well, duh, man. What did you think it would do, stand up and walk away?
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Yep, because I, Raziel, am such a stupid retard!
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Yeah, Raziel's a RETARD!
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Yes, I, Raziel, am the retardiest retard in the whole history of retardedness!
(Raziel, who was backstage, was fuming. He REALLY wished that he had a hacksaw)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Sooooooo...how do I get across to my clan? It's on the other side of this gap!
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Well, you have two options. Option one is to jump in the air, spread the remnants of your wings, allowing you to glad across to safety onto the other ledge.
Kain (as 'Raziel'): ...and Option 2?
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Option 2 is to jump out into the middle of the gap, scream, fall into the abyss and die!
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (deep thought) Hmmmmm, glide to safety or die? Glide to safety or die?
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Oh come ON! It isn't that hard of a decision!
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Yes it is! I've chosen Option 2! It sounds like a good decision to me!
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Wow Raziel, you sure are RETARDED!
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Yep, that's me! Unlike my uber-cool, ultra smart, super badass dad Kain, who is not retarded at all!
(Kain couldn't help but let out a small giggle when he heard Raziel shouting out obscenities at him from off-screen)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Option 2!
(so Kain as 'Raziel' ran, jumped of the cliff and made sure he stopped in mid-air half the way across from safety)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Eep. Gyaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!
(then he fell into the abyss and was dying)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (while inside the abyss) Hey, wait a minute. THIS HURTS!! Owyyyy!! I didn't know dying would hurt!
Janos (as 'Elder God'): (over Kain's shouts of pain) Raziel is such a moron.
(then a few minutes later, Kain as 'Raziel' stomps back to the ledge)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): That wasn't funny!!
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Heehee, yes it was!
Kain (as 'Raziel'): So now how do I get across?
Janos (as 'Elder God'): By using a magical scooter that flies!
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Well where am I gonna find one of those!?
(luckily for him, Gnorwdab the vampire had invented, what he called, the Fly Scooter 50,000. The Fly Scooter was said to be able to fly up into the air)
Zephon (as 'Gnorwdab'): I am a genius! I have created a flying scooter using only a piece of cheese, half a chalk, a piece of string, a whale, a can of Lysol, and Asprin!
(the scooter was meant to look badass and cool, but since this film's budget was $20, an improvement over the last film's budget, the scooter didn't look like a scooter. Kain couldn't afford a scooter for the movie, so this scooter was really a bent pipe with training wheels tied on)
Zephon (as 'Gnorwdab'): Now, let me be totally stupid and test this out over something that can kill me!
(Kain as 'Raziel' was contemplating what to do when he saw Zephon as 'Gnorwdab' scooting past him and he flew off the ledge! But there's no such thing as a magical scooter so he fell to his death. Kain as 'Raziel' caught the magical scooter)
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Well, there's a magical scooter for you.
Kan (as 'Raziel'): Yeah. Damn, what were the odds of that?
(so Kain as 'Raziel' also rode on the scooter into the abyss and it didn't fly!)
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Wow, Razzyboy must be REALLY stupid to do that after seeing the other guy die.
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (while in the abyss) It burns! It burns! OH THE HU-MA- NI-TY!!!
(minutes later Kain as 'Raziel' walked back up to the ledge after dying)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): That was NOT funny!!
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Heeheehee, you're so stupid!
Kain (as 'Raziel'): No I am not!! I'll find a way across! You'll see!
(then the screen fades away and then faded back in and there was a large wooden catapult on the ledge with the words ACME taped to it and it had wheels. Kain was sitting in the catapult)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): You see, all I have to do is cut the string that's holding me in this scoop thing and I'll fly to the other side!
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Umm, I don't think that'll work.
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Oh, what do you know you stupid omnipotent squid. I eat squids like you for breakfast.
(he's about to cut the rope)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): For king and country!!
(he cuts the rope, and instead of hurling him across the gap, the scoop thing that he was sitting on was flying downwards, heading towards the ground on the edge of the ledge. Kain as 'Raziel' saw this)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): MOTHER FU-
(SLAM!!)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (with him face buried in the ground) Fwell, fwat coudn't haf gone worf.
(then the catapult scooted forward cause of the wind and Kain got squished and stuck to the wheels and then the catapult fell off the ledge into the abyss, taking Kain with it)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (while in the abyss) MOMMY!! The pain! The paaaaaaaaiiiiiinnnnnn!!
(then the scene fades to black, and when it faded back in, Kain as 'Raziel' was standing on the ledge with a rocket tied to his back with the words ACME on it)
Janos (as 'Elder God'): What is it this time?
Kain (as 'Raziel'): You see, when I light this rocket, the propulsion will rocket the across the gap and into the cave that leads me to my clan area!
Janos (as 'Elder God'): I REALLY think this is a bad idea.
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Nonsense! All of my plans are excellent!
Janos (as 'Elder God'): What about the catapult?
Kain (as 'Raziel'): SHUT UP, YOU!! They are all good, but they aren't executed properly, that's all.
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Um...
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Watch science in motion! (then he lit the rocket)
(BOOM!! You guessed it, the rocket blew up on Kain's back, severely charcoaling him. But Kain as 'Raziel' would never let the Elder God know he was right)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Um...(trying to think of an excuse) I meant to do that!
(then Kain as 'Raziel' crawled up into a little ball and the scene faded black. When the scene faded back in, Kain as 'Raziel' was wearing fake bat wings with the word ACME taped on it)
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Razzyboy, you should really stop. You are an embarrassment to vampires everywhere.
Kain (as 'Raziel'): You mean Bat-Raz?
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Why does my reaver of souls have to be retarded?
Kain (as 'Raziel'): You see, with these bat wings, I can fly to the other side in safety!
Janos (as 'Elder God'): I hope I'm not the only one noticing that you actually had wings.
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Yes, but are they mock-bat wings? Now watch Bat-Raz fly!
(so Kain as 'Raziel' jumped off the ledge and flapped the wings several times and surprisingly enough, he was flying!)
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Wow, I can't believe that actually worked. Just be careful about where you're going.
Kain (as 'Raziel'): I'm gonna fly into the cave that leads to my clan area. I have a perfect sense of direction, I don't need to be caref-
(SLAM!!)
(Kain as 'Raziel' had slammed right into a wall to the left of the cave and he was kinda stuck on the wall)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Oww!
Janos (as 'Elder God'): See? That was a stupid idea.
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (trying not to feel stupid) Um...heehee, I meant to do that. Now, help me get out of this wall!
(so Kain as 'Raziel' pushed and pushed and clawed and he finally dislodged himself from the wall...and then saw the abyss directly below him)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Gyyyyyyeeeehhhh!! Get me back in the wall!!
(but it was too late. Kain as 'Raziel' plummeted into the abyss)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (in the abyss) Paaaiiiinnn!! Wwwhhhhyyyyy!!
(the screen then faded away. When it faded back in, we see a very desperate looking Kain standing on the ledge overlooking the gap)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): MMMoooooommmmyyyy!!
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Moommy?
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (whiny voice) Shut up!
(Kain hopped up and down annoyed, and also kinda dance in place, but that was just him having a gay looking fit)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): There must be a way across!!
Janos (as 'Elder God'): I know! How about you taking a running leap!
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (outraged) What do you think I am!? STUPID?
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Yes.
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (calm again) Oh. Well, in that case, I might as well try it.
(so Kain as 'Raziel' made a running leap across the gap and miraculously landed in the cave!)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): HAHAHAHAHAA!! I finally made it! You thought you could stop me!? You are pathetic Elder God! There's no way for me to fall into the abyss now!
(just then, the cave's ledge that Kain was standing on, gave away. So Kain as 'Raziel' fell once again into the abyss)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (while burning in the abyss) Waaaahhhhh!!
(the screen faded out and faded back in and it showed Kain as 'Raziel' bravely gliding across to safety and ran into Raziel's clan area. He was giddy with excitement; he had just gotten past that accursed evil gap. Nothing could stop him now)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Ahahahahahahahahaha!! I have FINALLY made it past that stupid GAP bad into my CLAN AREA! Now what Elder God!? Ahahahahaha!!
(then, all of a sudden, a Dumah-vampire, whose names I forgot, threw a spear into Kain's as 'Raziel's chest and he died. Then he found out that the nearest planar portal was right on the ledge leading to the abyss)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Aw, damnit!!!
((The lesson? Never tempt a god. Especially not the Elder God. Well, Kain decided that that was enough filming for the day so the filming stopped. Kain decided he had pissed Raziel off enough for one day))
(Raziel was quietly walking around the still pink and frilly Pillars and was carrying a shotgun. Then, Dumah snuck up on him and made him scream)
Raziel: (startled yell) Googlaboma!
Dumah: What?
Raziel: That was my scream. Anyway, what do you want?
Dumah: What're you doing?
Raziel: Be very, very quiet. I'm hunting Kain.
Dumah: But you can't.
Raziel: Why not?
Dumah: Because Kain isn't in season. You can only hunt Kain if it's Kain Season.
Raziel: Then what season is it?
(Dumah let Raziel to one of the pretty looking Pillars and a piece of paper on the Pillar of Conflict said 'Raziel Season')
Raziel: Wha-what?
Dumah: Yep.
(Raziel rips the paper off, revealing 'Kain Season'. Then Dumah ripped that off with a sheet saying 'Raziel Season.' So Raziel ripped that off to a page saying 'Kain Season.' They kept doing this)
Raziel: Kain Season!
Dumah: Raziel Season!
Raziel: Kain Season!
Dumah: Raziel Season!
Raziel: Kain Season!
Dumah: Raziel Season!
Raziel: (losing his patience) Kain Season!
Dumah: Kain Season!
Raziel: (patience totally lost) That's it! It's Raziel Season and frickin' shoot me now!!
(so Kain, who was on top of the Pillar, blew Raziel's head off, making Raziel fall into the Spectral Realm)
Raziel's Head: I really HATE YOU ALL!!
(and then Turel walks up to the scene. It's strange because only Raziel can go to the Spectral Realm, but Turel comes anyway. He's wearing a sharp-looking tuxedo)
Turel: And now for something completely different. The screw-ups.
BLOPPERS (or SCREW-UPS)
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Take 1
Kain (as 'Raziel'): So now how do I get across?
Janos (as 'Elder God'): By using a magical scooter that flies!
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Well where am I gonna find one of those!?
(but instead of Zephon riding the crappy scooter into the scene, something totally unexpected happened. Four Magnuses shot out onto the scene in scooters and circled Kain, then they got off and walked in circles around Kain)
Kain: Oh no! It's the Magnus Inquisition!!
(but now the Magnus Inquisition looked different. They were painted orange, their bald head's painted green and they were in overalls. They started singing)
Magnus Inquisition (all 4 of 'em):
Oompa oompa oompadeday
We will sing you a riddle today!
Magnus 1: What do you get when you cross a lazy SLOB! (the words SLOB appeared)
Magnus 2: Who has less brains than an eaten HOB-NOB! (word HOB-NOB appeared)
Magnus 3: You will get a movie that's destined to fail! (word FAIL appeared)
Magnus 4: All cause it wasn't...directed...by...Marcus!!
Magnus 3: (deep, low voice) It doesn't help that Kain's a prick!
Magnus Inquisition:
Oompa oompa oompalilay
Oompa oompa oompadiday!
Magnus 1: MEAT!
Magnus 2: MEAT!
Magnus 3: MEAT!
Magnus 4: ROOT VEGETABLE!
(then the four rode off of the set)
Kain: I really am beginning do dislike those guys.
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Take 5
Kain (as 'Raziel'): You see, all I have to do is cut the string that's holding me in this scoop thing and I'll fly to the other side!
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Umm, I don't think that'll work.
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Oh, what do you know you-
(then, Faustus walked onto the screen)
Kain: What's up with all of these INTERRUPTIONS!?
(Faustus turns to the camera)
Faustus: Hello y'all people. Now I bet you people watching this movie are wandering 'Yo Faustus, how can I be as pretty as a baby's bottom?' Well, now you can with my newly opened Faustus' Beauty Parlor!
Kain: Faustus, you get your girly ass out of here!
Faustus: See? Even he realizes as just my butt as beautiful!
Kain: (glare of disbelief)
Faustus: I can make ANYONE beautiful! Here's just one satisfied customer!
Kain: We're working on a film here!
(Moebius steps in. He is wearing a pink tutu, brown house slippers, and a ballerina t- shirt)
Moebius: Hey. Before I found out about Faustus' Beauty Parlor, I was probably the oldest and ugliest hag ever. But now I feel pretty again! Thanks Faustus!
(Moebius smiles showing his teeth and then he leaves)
Faustus: So remember my slogan: "I can make you look pretty no matter how butt-ugly you are!"
Kain: I hate all vampires. I'm beginning to think that the Sarafan had the right idea...
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Take 7
Zephon (as 'Gnorwdab'): Now, let me be totally stupid and test this out over something that can kill me!
(Kain was about to get ready to play his part when he heard a lot of crashing, screams of pain, and lots of cursing)
Kain: Zephon, it's just a frickin' pipe with wheels!! How hard is it to get on!?
(Kain heard more loud bangs and crashes and even:)
Zephon: (off-screen) Owies, that was my goody-goodies!!
(so Kain just stood there waiting and saw a wheel fly onto the set and Zephon was crawling onto the set with the "scooter" lodged on top of him)
Zephon: (whinny voice) It ran over me!!
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Take 13
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (trying not to feel stupid) Um...heehee, I meant to do that. Now, help me get out of this wall!
(so Kain as 'Raziel' pushed and pushed and clawed and he finally dislodged himself from the wall...and then saw the abyss directly below him. Unfortunately for Kain, Janos was in a yellow submarine in the Abyss. Janos loved his yellow submarine; he considered it really trippy while he listened to the Beetles. But just then Kain fell on the wind-shield)
Kain: OOF!!
Janos: Odd...someone seems to have pasted a Kain on my wind-shield.
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Take 17
(so Kain as 'Raziel' made a running leap across the gap and miraculously landed in the cave!)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): HAHAHAHAHAA!! I finally made it! You thought you could stop me!? You are pathetic Elder God! There's no way for me to fall into the abyss now!
(now, the ledge Kain was on was supposed to give away, but Dumah installed a real boulder in the cave to play a prank on Kain with. So then the boulder rolled at Kain Indiana Jnoes-style)
Kain: Oh crap on a stick.
(SQUISH!)
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Finally updated this! I meant to update this MUCH sooner, but I got severely side-tracked (in other words, I got lazy. Couldn't stop playing NBA Street and Silent Hill 3) so I hope I'll get my Soul Reaver 3 updated soon (with this, I just gotta think of a funny way to begin the chapter) plus I'll add review response to Soul Reaver 3. I'm also thinking of maybe doing an very short fic (probably about 2 or 3 chapters long) about Kain building a dog house mainly cause I need to work on short stories. Well, see you next update!
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((The scene is the Pillars. Faustus has just got done fixing the place up and now everything looks pretty and frilly. Oh, and the entire place was painted pink with frilly carpets))
Faustus: (loving sigh) This place is just so pretty. I surely am an artiste!
(then Kain and the lieutenants return, minus the hippy Chong. Chong got stoned and wandered into a trash compactor. Kain saw the place and shrieked)
Kain: (little sissy shriek) Gyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! The Pillars!!
Faustus: How do you like the place? I think it's purty.
Melchiah: But everything's bright pink!! I'm gonna go blind!
Faustus: Oh come on! I painted the entire place myself! This is the first victim of my Beauty Service. With my Beauty Service, I make things nice and pretty.
Kain: (shrieking like a eunuch) Gyyyyyyaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!! The Pillars!!
Dumah: Ooh! Ooh! I wanna look pretty!
Faustus: I even thought I'd make you vamps a dog house.
Raziel: But we don't HAVE ANY DOGS! Or wood!
Faustus: I know you don't have any dogs, but I thought a bright blue dog house would make the place have more of a Victorian atmosphere.
Turel: Who in the world builds stuff with wood in Nosgoth?
Faustus: (while applying lipstick) No need to worry. I called the Jesus Carpenter Service.
Kain: (shrieking like a boy band member) Gyyyyyyaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!! The Pillars!!
Dumah: Can I look pretty?? Please??
Melchiah: Me too! I need more hair!
Faustus: Why sure.
Kain: FAUSTUS!! Get the hell out! Go! Go now you ugly, punk-ass, pretty-boy dumbass!
(so Kain boots Faustus out of the Sanctuary of the Clans)
Dumah: Buu-uu-uu-uut Kaaaaaiiiinnnnn! I wanted to look pretty!
Melchiah: And I wanted a wig! I'm so bald that if you put a magnifying glass over my head, the light would reflect and burn things!
Kain: (caring voice) Dumah, as your loving father, you can rest assured that you'll always be ugly and Melchiah will always be bald. Oh yeah, he'll also always be ugly. I'm telling you this because I care.
Dumah: (with a touch of hope in his voice) Really? You really care?
Kain: No, not really.
Dumah: (while running away crying) I'M GONNA BE BEAUTIFUL NO MATTER WHAT!!
Melchiah: Yeah! And I'll have a full head of hair as pretty as a garden of flowers!
Zephon: And I'll marry some banana pudding!
Kain: WHY ARE ALL OF MY LIEUTENANTS RETARDS??
((so, to release some frustration, Kain decides to start filming the movie. Unfortunately, instead of the dark, gothic atmosphere, everything has a more preppy, upbeat and friendly atmosphere thanks to everything looking pink and frilly. Kain as 'Raziel' was on the platform above the abyss))
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (looking over the ledge) Yep, the abyss is still there.
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Well, duh, man. What did you think it would do, stand up and walk away?
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Yep, because I, Raziel, am such a stupid retard!
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Yeah, Raziel's a RETARD!
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Yes, I, Raziel, am the retardiest retard in the whole history of retardedness!
(Raziel, who was backstage, was fuming. He REALLY wished that he had a hacksaw)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Sooooooo...how do I get across to my clan? It's on the other side of this gap!
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Well, you have two options. Option one is to jump in the air, spread the remnants of your wings, allowing you to glad across to safety onto the other ledge.
Kain (as 'Raziel'): ...and Option 2?
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Option 2 is to jump out into the middle of the gap, scream, fall into the abyss and die!
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (deep thought) Hmmmmm, glide to safety or die? Glide to safety or die?
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Oh come ON! It isn't that hard of a decision!
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Yes it is! I've chosen Option 2! It sounds like a good decision to me!
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Wow Raziel, you sure are RETARDED!
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Yep, that's me! Unlike my uber-cool, ultra smart, super badass dad Kain, who is not retarded at all!
(Kain couldn't help but let out a small giggle when he heard Raziel shouting out obscenities at him from off-screen)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Option 2!
(so Kain as 'Raziel' ran, jumped of the cliff and made sure he stopped in mid-air half the way across from safety)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Eep. Gyaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!
(then he fell into the abyss and was dying)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (while inside the abyss) Hey, wait a minute. THIS HURTS!! Owyyyy!! I didn't know dying would hurt!
Janos (as 'Elder God'): (over Kain's shouts of pain) Raziel is such a moron.
(then a few minutes later, Kain as 'Raziel' stomps back to the ledge)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): That wasn't funny!!
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Heehee, yes it was!
Kain (as 'Raziel'): So now how do I get across?
Janos (as 'Elder God'): By using a magical scooter that flies!
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Well where am I gonna find one of those!?
(luckily for him, Gnorwdab the vampire had invented, what he called, the Fly Scooter 50,000. The Fly Scooter was said to be able to fly up into the air)
Zephon (as 'Gnorwdab'): I am a genius! I have created a flying scooter using only a piece of cheese, half a chalk, a piece of string, a whale, a can of Lysol, and Asprin!
(the scooter was meant to look badass and cool, but since this film's budget was $20, an improvement over the last film's budget, the scooter didn't look like a scooter. Kain couldn't afford a scooter for the movie, so this scooter was really a bent pipe with training wheels tied on)
Zephon (as 'Gnorwdab'): Now, let me be totally stupid and test this out over something that can kill me!
(Kain as 'Raziel' was contemplating what to do when he saw Zephon as 'Gnorwdab' scooting past him and he flew off the ledge! But there's no such thing as a magical scooter so he fell to his death. Kain as 'Raziel' caught the magical scooter)
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Well, there's a magical scooter for you.
Kan (as 'Raziel'): Yeah. Damn, what were the odds of that?
(so Kain as 'Raziel' also rode on the scooter into the abyss and it didn't fly!)
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Wow, Razzyboy must be REALLY stupid to do that after seeing the other guy die.
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (while in the abyss) It burns! It burns! OH THE HU-MA- NI-TY!!!
(minutes later Kain as 'Raziel' walked back up to the ledge after dying)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): That was NOT funny!!
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Heeheehee, you're so stupid!
Kain (as 'Raziel'): No I am not!! I'll find a way across! You'll see!
(then the screen fades away and then faded back in and there was a large wooden catapult on the ledge with the words ACME taped to it and it had wheels. Kain was sitting in the catapult)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): You see, all I have to do is cut the string that's holding me in this scoop thing and I'll fly to the other side!
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Umm, I don't think that'll work.
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Oh, what do you know you stupid omnipotent squid. I eat squids like you for breakfast.
(he's about to cut the rope)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): For king and country!!
(he cuts the rope, and instead of hurling him across the gap, the scoop thing that he was sitting on was flying downwards, heading towards the ground on the edge of the ledge. Kain as 'Raziel' saw this)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): MOTHER FU-
(SLAM!!)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (with him face buried in the ground) Fwell, fwat coudn't haf gone worf.
(then the catapult scooted forward cause of the wind and Kain got squished and stuck to the wheels and then the catapult fell off the ledge into the abyss, taking Kain with it)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (while in the abyss) MOMMY!! The pain! The paaaaaaaaiiiiiinnnnnn!!
(then the scene fades to black, and when it faded back in, Kain as 'Raziel' was standing on the ledge with a rocket tied to his back with the words ACME on it)
Janos (as 'Elder God'): What is it this time?
Kain (as 'Raziel'): You see, when I light this rocket, the propulsion will rocket the across the gap and into the cave that leads me to my clan area!
Janos (as 'Elder God'): I REALLY think this is a bad idea.
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Nonsense! All of my plans are excellent!
Janos (as 'Elder God'): What about the catapult?
Kain (as 'Raziel'): SHUT UP, YOU!! They are all good, but they aren't executed properly, that's all.
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Um...
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Watch science in motion! (then he lit the rocket)
(BOOM!! You guessed it, the rocket blew up on Kain's back, severely charcoaling him. But Kain as 'Raziel' would never let the Elder God know he was right)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Um...(trying to think of an excuse) I meant to do that!
(then Kain as 'Raziel' crawled up into a little ball and the scene faded black. When the scene faded back in, Kain as 'Raziel' was wearing fake bat wings with the word ACME taped on it)
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Razzyboy, you should really stop. You are an embarrassment to vampires everywhere.
Kain (as 'Raziel'): You mean Bat-Raz?
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Why does my reaver of souls have to be retarded?
Kain (as 'Raziel'): You see, with these bat wings, I can fly to the other side in safety!
Janos (as 'Elder God'): I hope I'm not the only one noticing that you actually had wings.
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Yes, but are they mock-bat wings? Now watch Bat-Raz fly!
(so Kain as 'Raziel' jumped off the ledge and flapped the wings several times and surprisingly enough, he was flying!)
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Wow, I can't believe that actually worked. Just be careful about where you're going.
Kain (as 'Raziel'): I'm gonna fly into the cave that leads to my clan area. I have a perfect sense of direction, I don't need to be caref-
(SLAM!!)
(Kain as 'Raziel' had slammed right into a wall to the left of the cave and he was kinda stuck on the wall)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Oww!
Janos (as 'Elder God'): See? That was a stupid idea.
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (trying not to feel stupid) Um...heehee, I meant to do that. Now, help me get out of this wall!
(so Kain as 'Raziel' pushed and pushed and clawed and he finally dislodged himself from the wall...and then saw the abyss directly below him)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Gyyyyyyeeeehhhh!! Get me back in the wall!!
(but it was too late. Kain as 'Raziel' plummeted into the abyss)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (in the abyss) Paaaiiiinnn!! Wwwhhhhyyyyy!!
(the screen then faded away. When it faded back in, we see a very desperate looking Kain standing on the ledge overlooking the gap)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): MMMoooooommmmyyyy!!
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Moommy?
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (whiny voice) Shut up!
(Kain hopped up and down annoyed, and also kinda dance in place, but that was just him having a gay looking fit)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): There must be a way across!!
Janos (as 'Elder God'): I know! How about you taking a running leap!
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (outraged) What do you think I am!? STUPID?
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Yes.
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (calm again) Oh. Well, in that case, I might as well try it.
(so Kain as 'Raziel' made a running leap across the gap and miraculously landed in the cave!)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): HAHAHAHAHAA!! I finally made it! You thought you could stop me!? You are pathetic Elder God! There's no way for me to fall into the abyss now!
(just then, the cave's ledge that Kain was standing on, gave away. So Kain as 'Raziel' fell once again into the abyss)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (while burning in the abyss) Waaaahhhhh!!
(the screen faded out and faded back in and it showed Kain as 'Raziel' bravely gliding across to safety and ran into Raziel's clan area. He was giddy with excitement; he had just gotten past that accursed evil gap. Nothing could stop him now)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Ahahahahahahahahaha!! I have FINALLY made it past that stupid GAP bad into my CLAN AREA! Now what Elder God!? Ahahahahaha!!
(then, all of a sudden, a Dumah-vampire, whose names I forgot, threw a spear into Kain's as 'Raziel's chest and he died. Then he found out that the nearest planar portal was right on the ledge leading to the abyss)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Aw, damnit!!!
((The lesson? Never tempt a god. Especially not the Elder God. Well, Kain decided that that was enough filming for the day so the filming stopped. Kain decided he had pissed Raziel off enough for one day))
(Raziel was quietly walking around the still pink and frilly Pillars and was carrying a shotgun. Then, Dumah snuck up on him and made him scream)
Raziel: (startled yell) Googlaboma!
Dumah: What?
Raziel: That was my scream. Anyway, what do you want?
Dumah: What're you doing?
Raziel: Be very, very quiet. I'm hunting Kain.
Dumah: But you can't.
Raziel: Why not?
Dumah: Because Kain isn't in season. You can only hunt Kain if it's Kain Season.
Raziel: Then what season is it?
(Dumah let Raziel to one of the pretty looking Pillars and a piece of paper on the Pillar of Conflict said 'Raziel Season')
Raziel: Wha-what?
Dumah: Yep.
(Raziel rips the paper off, revealing 'Kain Season'. Then Dumah ripped that off with a sheet saying 'Raziel Season.' So Raziel ripped that off to a page saying 'Kain Season.' They kept doing this)
Raziel: Kain Season!
Dumah: Raziel Season!
Raziel: Kain Season!
Dumah: Raziel Season!
Raziel: Kain Season!
Dumah: Raziel Season!
Raziel: (losing his patience) Kain Season!
Dumah: Kain Season!
Raziel: (patience totally lost) That's it! It's Raziel Season and frickin' shoot me now!!
(so Kain, who was on top of the Pillar, blew Raziel's head off, making Raziel fall into the Spectral Realm)
Raziel's Head: I really HATE YOU ALL!!
(and then Turel walks up to the scene. It's strange because only Raziel can go to the Spectral Realm, but Turel comes anyway. He's wearing a sharp-looking tuxedo)
Turel: And now for something completely different. The screw-ups.
BLOPPERS (or SCREW-UPS)
----------------------
Take 1
Kain (as 'Raziel'): So now how do I get across?
Janos (as 'Elder God'): By using a magical scooter that flies!
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Well where am I gonna find one of those!?
(but instead of Zephon riding the crappy scooter into the scene, something totally unexpected happened. Four Magnuses shot out onto the scene in scooters and circled Kain, then they got off and walked in circles around Kain)
Kain: Oh no! It's the Magnus Inquisition!!
(but now the Magnus Inquisition looked different. They were painted orange, their bald head's painted green and they were in overalls. They started singing)
Magnus Inquisition (all 4 of 'em):
Oompa oompa oompadeday
We will sing you a riddle today!
Magnus 1: What do you get when you cross a lazy SLOB! (the words SLOB appeared)
Magnus 2: Who has less brains than an eaten HOB-NOB! (word HOB-NOB appeared)
Magnus 3: You will get a movie that's destined to fail! (word FAIL appeared)
Magnus 4: All cause it wasn't...directed...by...Marcus!!
Magnus 3: (deep, low voice) It doesn't help that Kain's a prick!
Magnus Inquisition:
Oompa oompa oompalilay
Oompa oompa oompadiday!
Magnus 1: MEAT!
Magnus 2: MEAT!
Magnus 3: MEAT!
Magnus 4: ROOT VEGETABLE!
(then the four rode off of the set)
Kain: I really am beginning do dislike those guys.
-----------------------
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Take 5
Kain (as 'Raziel'): You see, all I have to do is cut the string that's holding me in this scoop thing and I'll fly to the other side!
Janos (as 'Elder God'): Umm, I don't think that'll work.
Kain (as 'Raziel'): Oh, what do you know you-
(then, Faustus walked onto the screen)
Kain: What's up with all of these INTERRUPTIONS!?
(Faustus turns to the camera)
Faustus: Hello y'all people. Now I bet you people watching this movie are wandering 'Yo Faustus, how can I be as pretty as a baby's bottom?' Well, now you can with my newly opened Faustus' Beauty Parlor!
Kain: Faustus, you get your girly ass out of here!
Faustus: See? Even he realizes as just my butt as beautiful!
Kain: (glare of disbelief)
Faustus: I can make ANYONE beautiful! Here's just one satisfied customer!
Kain: We're working on a film here!
(Moebius steps in. He is wearing a pink tutu, brown house slippers, and a ballerina t- shirt)
Moebius: Hey. Before I found out about Faustus' Beauty Parlor, I was probably the oldest and ugliest hag ever. But now I feel pretty again! Thanks Faustus!
(Moebius smiles showing his teeth and then he leaves)
Faustus: So remember my slogan: "I can make you look pretty no matter how butt-ugly you are!"
Kain: I hate all vampires. I'm beginning to think that the Sarafan had the right idea...
-----------------
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Take 7
Zephon (as 'Gnorwdab'): Now, let me be totally stupid and test this out over something that can kill me!
(Kain was about to get ready to play his part when he heard a lot of crashing, screams of pain, and lots of cursing)
Kain: Zephon, it's just a frickin' pipe with wheels!! How hard is it to get on!?
(Kain heard more loud bangs and crashes and even:)
Zephon: (off-screen) Owies, that was my goody-goodies!!
(so Kain just stood there waiting and saw a wheel fly onto the set and Zephon was crawling onto the set with the "scooter" lodged on top of him)
Zephon: (whinny voice) It ran over me!!
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Take 13
Kain (as 'Raziel'): (trying not to feel stupid) Um...heehee, I meant to do that. Now, help me get out of this wall!
(so Kain as 'Raziel' pushed and pushed and clawed and he finally dislodged himself from the wall...and then saw the abyss directly below him. Unfortunately for Kain, Janos was in a yellow submarine in the Abyss. Janos loved his yellow submarine; he considered it really trippy while he listened to the Beetles. But just then Kain fell on the wind-shield)
Kain: OOF!!
Janos: Odd...someone seems to have pasted a Kain on my wind-shield.
-----------------
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Take 17
(so Kain as 'Raziel' made a running leap across the gap and miraculously landed in the cave!)
Kain (as 'Raziel'): HAHAHAHAHAA!! I finally made it! You thought you could stop me!? You are pathetic Elder God! There's no way for me to fall into the abyss now!
(now, the ledge Kain was on was supposed to give away, but Dumah installed a real boulder in the cave to play a prank on Kain with. So then the boulder rolled at Kain Indiana Jnoes-style)
Kain: Oh crap on a stick.
(SQUISH!)
----------------
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Finally updated this! I meant to update this MUCH sooner, but I got severely side-tracked (in other words, I got lazy. Couldn't stop playing NBA Street and Silent Hill 3) so I hope I'll get my Soul Reaver 3 updated soon (with this, I just gotta think of a funny way to begin the chapter) plus I'll add review response to Soul Reaver 3. I'm also thinking of maybe doing an very short fic (probably about 2 or 3 chapters long) about Kain building a dog house mainly cause I need to work on short stories. Well, see you next update!