How ya'll doin? Sorry I ain't been around in a while. Jay got me in a few stories when he bothers to write anymore since he thinks he got other stuff to do. A few months ago I decided I wantedto do a little interview for his site since I was bored. I wanted to talk to the real stars of fanfiction. Yeah I'm talkin to the characters. So I wanted to go big and interviewed Bella Swan. Yeah that Bella Swan. She was kind enough to spend a little time with Ty so sit back and enjoy if you didn't read it then. Its time to get to know the real Miss Swan.

Bella, thanks for agreeing to spend a little time with me. Not that it was a hard decision because we both know the two of us have spent some high quality time together, right?

Good to see you again, I guess. Have we spent time together? I sorta lose track.

(like she forgot her time with Ty. She just bein tricky, playin games. Aight, I see her game)

I hear ya. Keepin it on the low. Lets go ahead and start with some warm up questions, a few soft tosses just to get the interview rollin. That sound okay?

Hey whatever you want. I'm easy.

(no shit)

That leads me to my first question. How do you feel about those critics who say you are the community bicycle of the fanfiction world? Everybody's had a ride right?

I'd like to disagree with you but with over 200,000 stories on ffnet, with probably ten or twenty not having me as a star, I have done a lot of things and people I am both proud of and not proud of. I can't help it, I just get written that way.

So its kinda like the writers are pimps and you just get sent to do whoever you are told?

It certainly seems that way. I'm not complaining though, its better than asking if you want fries with that, you know what I mean?

I hear ya. Still it is important as a character to grab your writer by the throat sometimes and say no, that ain't happenin. I have to do it quite a bit myself.

Easier said than done. You have one writer to deal with. I have a lot. I mean most are cool but some are … I mean just a few, but those tend to stick with you. I've seen and done things man. Things you can't imagine.

(Yeah this chick is a little out there. I guess I would be too if I was her. Got some serious fictional PTSD goin on.)

Lets continue discussing your sex life …

Why am I not surprised?

Hey! I'm the interviewer here. I ask the questions.

Is this another one of those fifty shades type stories? Because I'm not changing. Leather chafes and I am not in the mood today.

No this isn't one of those stories. Anyway back to the interview. So which Twlight dude have you enjoyed doing the most?

Thats easy, Garrett by a long shot.

Really? I would have figured Leroy…

Nope. I'm usually like seriously emotionally damamged or traumatized in those stories. I mean have you read the Quiet Room?

Pete?

I never know what he is going to look like from one story to the next.

Good point, so why Garrett?

The guy is hot and has a great attitude. He can joke when he needs to and kick serious ass when he needs to. Awesome hair, great body, not too large, not to small and has great eyes.

Uh huh. Given this a lot of thought, huh?

Hey sex is one of my primary job duties right up there with angst and pining.

Okay so thats your Twilight pick. What about crossovers?

Oh thats easy. Riddick.

Uh… Bella I don't think you have done Riddick.

Bullshit. What about that story where I keep referring to myself in the third person and I'm really smart and good with swords?

That was River Tam, dumbass.

Seriously? I guess I just have a vivid imagination when I read. Kinda bullshit that she gets to do him and I don't. Okay, I guess I would say Woverine.

Wolverine? For real?

Hes a damn animal in bed literally. You just have to make sure when he gets too excited those claws don't pop but even that is kinda sexy.

What about the guy from uh … (damn who is that dude PG is obsessed with?) Jax! Yeah biker boy? You look like you could be an old lady type.

He's cool and I'm not saying we haven't had some great scenes together but his mother is a bitch and his step father is literally evil plus his friends are just ugh, you know what I mean?

(No, not really.)

Okay so what guys from the Twilight world have you absolutely hated doin?

Uh … thats a tough one. I mean there have been a lot of, I'm not even sure there is a guy I haven't… or a girl for that matter. Wow. I would have to say Seth. Yeah, defintely Seth. I mean I know there aren't a lot of stories out there but c'mon, he's a kid. Even when he is grown up I'm still like five years older. So like I'm graduating high school and he is in eight grade or something? So when he is 18 I'm like graduating from college? Completely messed up. I spend the whole story waiting for Dateline to crash the door even if he is 18 . Just … awkward.

Wow. Yeah I can see that. I did that one girl in…

I'm sorry, didn't you say you were the interviewer? If the audience wanted to hear about you I guess somebody would be asking you the questions.

(damn this girl could be a bitch)

Okay, what about OCs? You know you love OCs, right?

(she knows)

OCs can be okay, nice change of pace and all. If they are built right they can be a lot of fun.

Cool I hear ya. So go ahead and tell the world who your favorite OC is.

No problem. Jason Connolly.

Damn right… wait, who you say?

Jason Connolly? I think he mentioned you knowing you once.

Knowing me? Knowing me?

Yeah, did you ask him for his autograph one time or what?

That is complete bullshit. You know nobody rocked you like I did!

Whatever. Sounds like somebody is a legend in their own mind. I think he was hottest in the Bodyguard. I mean so damn … yeah I totally wrecked him in that story.

(What the fuck? Girl has been in too many stories where she got a drug addiction. Done fried what little brain she had left)

You didn't wreck anybody but me in that story. I was the damn star.

Really? Are you sure? Cause I mean if you look at it …

He was with Leah Clearwater in that story.

Yeah she was fun too. That is one threesome I will never forget no matter how many stories I lose my memory in.

You are full of shit. I was the main guy in that story.

Sure you were.

I was!

Okay lets look at this logically. It was Connolly that saved our asses in that prison you made me go to and visit your dad. Connolly is the one who killed a vampire in the yard by himself while you needed Jasper to rescue you…

I didn't need that redneck to rescue me.

Sure, lets see, oh yeah, it was his team that killed that Maria chick, no wait I killed her, way to protect your woman, macho man. What else? Oh yeah when I got kidnapped at the end, it was Connolly that singlehandedly took on the Chinese Embassy while babysitting you and then at the end, killed the main bad guy. Yeah, you were definetly the star.

Girl whatever.

Oh and remember in Atonement? You were supposed to be the main supporting character? Yeah, but Connolly was the one who fought the alpha werewolf with us, even though he was a human. Hes the one who disarmed that nuclear bomb on the plane. I mean he is the one who went with me while we did a very complicated boarding tactic on a hijacked 747. Guy has balls of steel, trust me. Oh and when he turned into a vampire? Yep, fucked Chelsea, beheaded her and then leveled the Volturi castle by himself. I wrecked him in that story too. Don't tell Garrett though, okay?

You ain't nothing but a ho are you?

I'm not bad, I'm just written that way.

Whatever Jessica Rabbit. Least you didn't do Hawk, Dante or Jack.

You're right, I didn't do Hawk.

Thank God for that… wait I said three names.

Yes, you did.

(Man fuck this. She is just funnin)

Okay, who is your least favorite pairing outside of Twilight?

Least favorite pairing?

Yeah, who you done the walk of shame with?

It has to be Potter.

Harry? The little dude who lived? Seems like he would be a nice kid.

Yeah he is. Thats the problem. Have you ever seen his scar? Its a lightning bolt. Very cute. Jasper has war scars all over him, Connolly has bullet and knife scars and Harry has a cute little lightning bolt that hurts him when his main adversary is close. Plus while his wand is pretty the size of his wand does matter and I am sick of having to lie to him about that. I'm taller than him and that alone makes it weird but those glasses are just… I mean all the magic floating around and nobody can conjur up some contact lenses for the guy? I told him and told him, Voldemort wasn't going to take him seriously wearing glasses but does he listen? I'm the Chosen One Bella, I know what I'm doing, I'm a hero. He may be the chosen one but he wasn't chosen for sex. Anyway yeah, HP not my favorite, but he does have the most popular fandom so a girls gotta do who a girls gotta do right? Plus you are right, he is a nice guy. I mean its almost like you want to do it because you feel sorry for him.

You say so. I mean at this point does it even matter for you?

Not really. I'm just given an outline, take one look at the paring, category and rating and pretty much know what I have to do.

You are a professional if nothing else.

(professional call girl)

Okay lets talk about jobs. You have been pretty much everything. What has been your favorite occupation so far?

Easy. Stripper.

Stripper? You been a doctor, lawyer…

And I have made more money as a stripper than either of those jobs. Plus its tax free. When you are paid in cash it can be a little hard for the IRS to audit you.

Man you have some serious ambition in you.

I'm the biggest female star in the fanfiction world. Thats not enough to impress you?

I guess. So we have sorta focused on non canon. Lets focus on canon. People want to know why you chose Eddie over Jake. Can you give us the real reason?

Sure, its not complicated. It was really an easy choice.

Girl you better hope those wolf lovers don't hear you say that.

If they were in my shoes they would feel the same way. The problem is readers like fantasy and don't given much thought to the day to day details of life that we characters have to deal with. My reason is easy. Both Edward and Jake can be whiny and controlling. Both hate what they are. Both are temperature challenged. But I have to make a choice right? So lets look at the positives and negatives.

With Edward in bed it is cold as hell but I can put an electric blanket around me and set it to a perfect temp. Plus his monotone voice is better for going to sleep than those ocean sound machines. With Jake he is anywhere from 5'10, maybe 190 in the movie to stories where he is like 6'7 and 300 pounds of muscle. So I have a guy in my bed that could weigh that much on top of me who is 108 degrees. Can you imagine waking up in sheets soaked with your own sweat, every morning, dehydrated because you slept under a very large oven set on warm?

Vampires can turn you into a vampire. I mean speed, strength, living forever, instant hotness. With wolves you can be an imprint which is basically an arranged marriage by some spirits, or hoping your man doesn't imprint and leave you high and dry. I'm not saying they aren't great at sex. They really are, even Jake, but come on. Secret may have been made for a woman but it isn't strong enough for a woman with a werewolf wrapped around her all the time. Plus those guys eat a lot and don't seem to bother learning to cook. They talk about patrol schedules like they are cops or something, so none of them have real jobs and I like nice things. They have this biting fetish you would expect to see in vampires and that shit hurts. At least with vampires, you get bitten, three or four days of pain then boom you are superwoman. With wolves you have teeth marks. I choose Edward and I can pretty much write my own ticket. Its not like once I'm a vampire I have to stay with him. Oh and I can divorce him and get half of everything and the guy is loaded, even if you can't tell by his car selection.

So basically you would choose Eddie because you are materialistic and he can give you a lot more than an unemployed, huge wolf who refuses to cook for himself and makes you sweat at night when you are tryin to get sleep?

Pretty much sums it up.

So you a gold digger?

If thats what you want to call me. I prefer to think of myself as a woman who sees opportunities and takes advantage of them, no different than any other succesful business man or woman.

You a gold digger.

Yeah, I guess.

Okay so that is your reasoning for canon fiction. Not a lot to argue about but what about love?

What about love? I can love anyone, depending on the pairing. You don't get to be the biggest female fanfic star in the world without learning to fake it. You know about me faking it, right Ty?

Uh … no.

Exactly.

(this cold hearted bitch just winked at me.)

Okay lets move on. What about kids? I mean you have had some pretty cool kids and…

I hate kids.

You hate kids? You wind up pregnant in like at least half of your stories. How the hell can you hate kids?

I don't know, maybe because the first kid I ever had literally chewed her way out of my stomach and then I died?

You do have a point. I heard thats less painful than normal childbirth though.

Maybe, but you can't get an epidural for a kid biting its way out of your ribgage, know what I mean? Ask those poor people in the Alien movies. Its not pleasant.

I don't watch those movies.

Oh thats right. You are scared of horror movies right? Doesn't seem to bother Connolly but to each his own. I'm sure there are things he is scared of, even though no one has never found them.

So what do you plan to do after people get tired of you and move on to other fandoms?

I honestly don't see that ever happening. Its been years since the last Twilight and HP movies were released and here we are, still sitting at the top. Even if we don't, I'm pretty sure my legacy is secure. I mean its not like I'm some bit character that makes it in a few stories and people forget about soon after, am I Ty?

Yeah I think I done had enough of this interview. To sum up, you a gold diggin, kid hatin, shallow, materialistic and jaded ho. I got all that right?

I'm not always materialistic. I mean Connolly isn't rich. By the way, have you seen him around?

Yeah, he's in the back.

Yes! I bet he is doing pull ups or sit ups. God I love to watch him work out. Later Ty.

Huh. Okay that is the interview with Bella Swan. Now that the inter … hold on. Connolly, Bella! Could ya'll keep that shit down?! We got kids live in this house and play on that swing set. Get a fuckin room!

Okay so you met the real Bella Swan. Next week I'm gonna have an interview with her Daddy and talk about among other things, how clueless he is about the world around him, and if he realizes his lack of presence in his daughter's life has given her serious daddy issues and pretty much shaped the ho she is now. Hope yall enjoyed. Later folks.