DWIGHT MEETS THE PREDATOR

I've been here five years. I've seen all the tricks. When my old manager, Ed Truck was going to retire, I told him: "I'll take over for you, Ed. I'll cut the slackers out of here...dead wood. And I'll beef up security. As you are aware, I register my hands as deadly weapons in every police station, whenever I travel." Though the truth is, cops don't care anymore. Me, a nuisance? Was Shang-Chi, Marvel Comics's "Master of Kung Fu" a nuisance?

Ed promoted Michael to manager instead. It changed things. We were the trio, Michael, Todd Packer and I. Packer got sent to sell on the road after he snapped Jan Levinson-Gould's bra strap-and then Michael moved into the big office. And so there's not as much bonding. Nineteen months. Michael says he's been manager here for a "couple of years" but it's been nineteen months.

Yes, Packer and Michael and I...we closed Chili's night after night, back in the day. We're all self-made men, none of us college fairies. Todd could have gone to West Point, but he needed his home state-Louisiana's congressman for a recommendation, and David Duke, although a family friend, was a COUNCILMAN.

But we were the pranksters. Egging houses? Have you ever egged a nursing home? But we got a little too loose when we were on what Michael called a "moral tear" and Todd Packer lost his license after he ran over a Planned Parenthood bookkeepers foot. Now Packer's out of the office, and Michael's my superior, and the three Musketeers (I'm D'artangan) are no more. I miss the old Michael.

And believe you me, the guy-Michael's a great paintball buddy-he buys Creed's old "Barely Legal" zines at cost. But he's soft. The parade of losers who've passed as hire-able for Michael just mystify me. After Dawnette in Customer Service broke her engagement to Micheal, and quit, (and what a scene-The Fire Department had to break the door of the Men's Room down after Michael threatened to self-harm, but of course you can't do much to your wrists with an electric razor) And Michael had been loyal to Dawnette, even after he found out she was bulemic AND had been called George Voostenwalbert until the operation back in 1993.

Where was I? Oh hired an obese, loud little Indian girl. (Packer called her a "wog hog") to be Customer Service Rep. The girl uses "like" when she means "approximately") but I think she exchanged a favor for the job, poor lonely Michael, as Meredith did to get Ed Truck to hire HER back in '88.

Then of course there were a series of secretaries, or so-called "administrative assistants" who Michael couldn't pay much too, because they weren't in the budget...and then in comes an obese cretin...tells Michael he wants to work in the warehouse while he studies for his exam, and Michael hired him as an accountant because he got the GED test confused with the CPA.

Meredith was moved from Reception to the Annex after she gave our water cooler rep crabs or something, so Michael brings in this pitiful creature who is engaged to one of the Warehouse guys. She likes to doodle. Calls it "sketching" I was going to show little Pamela the receptionist ten different ways to kill a man with a pencil, but she's too daydreamy to learn something passed down from G. Gordon Liddy's radio program.

And then today, in comes a freakin' hippie (his hair is shorter than Michael's ponytail was before the Manager haircut, but damned sloppy.) Jim Hogwarts, or whatever his name is, was oh, so wonderful because he made a thirty case sale of Inkjet and Laser stock to some bullshit nonprofit. Beginner's luck, and he really needs to tuck in his shirt.