Dear God, what have I done.

I guess this was a "challenge accepted" kind of deal. Not meant to be taken seriously. If you read this entire story you probably deserve some kind of award. It was going to be a oneshot, but then I decided to make it a twoshot. Because you can't fit Wario's girth into just one chapter.

The annual Super Smash Brothers Ball was fast approaching. This year was perhaps the most exciting year yet, what with the influx of female residents within the Smash Mansion. Eager male smashers were practically scrambling over one another in their haste to ask their lady of choice to accompany them. Some made an extravagant show of asking, while others were lower key. It was an exciting time had by all.

With just three more days to go until the ball, Princess Peach decided to throw a huge sleepover in one of the mansion's common rooms. Girls only.

They brought all sorts of sweet, fattening snacks and piled the plush couches high with pillows and blankets. Peach brought along tons of make-up, hair accessories, and nail polish, though not all of the women were terribly interested. The top priority tonight (besides building a fort utopia) would be talking about who had asked them to the ball and how.

But there was one female smasher who did not yet have a date: Wii Fit Trainer.

The other ladies chattered away about whom they were going with. And as each revealed their date, Wii Fit Trainer began to feel self-conscious.

Why had no one asked her? Was it the soulless mannequin stare? Or perhaps the fact that she couldn't go two minutes without spouting some fitness fact?

While she pondered this, the conversations carried on.

"Really, I'm glad Mario didn't make a big deal out of it when he asked me! He's never been much for the dramatic." Peach batted her eyelashes in Zelda's direction. "What about you? Link is so lazy, I doubt he did anything over the top!"

Zelda shifted uncomfortably. "I'm not going with Link. He couldn't get his crap together and ask me, so…I'm going with someone else."

Peach gasped. Her eyes always lit with a certain mania at the prospect of gossip. It was mildly terrifying. "WHO?!" she shrieked, looking ready to lunge at Zelda.

"You'll see…" Zelda mumbled, eyes searching for help. Her gaze settled on Rosalina. "Rosa! Who are you going with?"

Rosalina was delicately sipping a glass of lemonade. Upon hearing Zelda's question, she lowered it from her lips and calmly said, "Initially I asked Waluigi, but he ran off screaming 'WAAA!' so I'm going with Luigi instead. As friends, of course, since he has Daisy."

Wii Fit Trainer flinched upon hearing the sacred 'WAAA!' uttered aloud. It always caused her heart to skip a beat and her mind to cloud with memories. She barely heard the continuing conversation.

Samus was going with Captain Falcon. Greninja was going with Charizard and Pikachu, as friends. Lucina was going with Shulk, Bayonetta with Pit, Palutena with Cloud, Robin with Chrom (she refused to go with anyone else), and the little pink-haired Villager had gotten Ness to agree to accompany her.

"Only because I threatened him!" the Villager said cheerfully.

Everyone laughed, thinking she was kidding.

The Villager just smiled.

Peach cleared her throat. "And Jigglypuff, of course, is going with Kirby—"

"Bitch, please!" Jigglypuff said, snapping her little fingers in the sassiest manner. "I'm so over that pink marshmallow. His brain is as big as my thumb."

"What thumb?" Samus blinked.

"You can always attend with my group if you don't have a date," Greninja offered kindly.

Jigglypuff's cheeks puffed with annoyance. "I have a date. It's Meta Knight. He is so edgy and mysterious. Have you heard his voice? And that mask! He's the sexiest marshmallow there ever—"

Wii Fit Trainer sighed deeply, no longer listening. Her sigh was heard by Princess Peach, despite Jigglypuff's fangirling.

"Wii Fit Trainer!" Peach said, whipping her finger in her direction. "You haven't told us who your date is!"

She blinked, snapping back to reality. "Oh. I don't have one yet," she said flatly.

Peach gasped. "Ooh, lucky you! There are still so many guys without a date. They're going to be clambering over one another to get to you!" She tittered with delight.

Wii Fit Trainer's heart felt heavy. There was only one man she wanted clambering towards her. Her face turned red at the thought.

Zelda noticed. Her eyebrow arched with curiously. "Did you have someone in mind?"

"N-No," Wii Fit Trainer stuttered.

"Ooh, she totally does!" Jigglypuff squealed. "Who is it? Ryu? Ike?"

"Roy?" Robin guessed.

"Little Mac?" Samus added. "Corrin? Now he's a catch!"

Wii Fit Trainer just shook her head, avoiding everyone's gazes as they named all of the most eligible bachelors in the mansion. When they had run through the list—twice—some of the ladies began to look concerned.

"Not…Olimar?" Lucina said with a frown.

"Bowser!" The Villager clapped her hands like she had figured it out.

Peach narrowed her eyes. "Um, Bowser if off limits so you better not—"

"No, no! It's none of those," Wii Fit Trainer said hurriedly.

Some of the girls began to look more and more horrified. Their lips moved, forming the names of smashers they didn't dare say aloud.

"…King Dedede?" Palutena was brave enough to whisper. "Did he seduce you?"

"No!" Wii Fit Trainer blurted out, looking equally disturbed. "Why? Did he seduce you?"

Peach cut off Palutena before she could answer, shouting, "Oh, fess up already! It's obvious you like someone. Just tell us who it is!"

Wii Fit Trainer shook her head vehemently. "I can't. Just keep guessing. I'll tell you if you get it right."

So the ladies went back through the list, including some of the more unconventional smashers this time around. She couldn't help but feel a little insulted when they guessed Lucas, like she was some kind of cougar. She grimaced when they said Donkey Kong's name too. Go to the ball with that big, hairy ape?! Well, okay, that was kind of mean. His smile was A+.

"Well, that's everyone," Peach sighed, throwing her hands up in defeat. "We went through all of the boys twice."

Everyone nodded in defeat.

Wii Fit Trainer could feel her pale face turning redder and redder. She could do nothing to hide it. "You skipped one," she said softly.

Peach looked straight at Wii Fit Trainer. Her blue eyes were so intense, the fitness trainer was certain she was looking right through to her soul. For a long time, they just stared at one another. "No, I went through everyone, I…" she trailed off. Her expression mutated to sheer terror. "No."

"What? What is it?" Jigglypuff asked eagerly, looking from smasher to smasher.

One by one, it seemed to dawn on the other girls. They just goggled at Wii Fit Trainer, as though they could hardly believe it. Except for Jigglypuff, who still looked out-of-the-loop and frustrated.

Because he wasn't even an option. Because he was the last one anyone would ever expect Wii Fit Trainer to have feelings for.

"Yes," she said, almost shamefully. "It's…"

"Don't say his name!" Peach said sharply. As if there would be no going back after doing so.

Too late.

Wii Fit Trainer's lips moved, caressing the name with all of her love.

"Wario."

"This sucks! Jogging is literally the worst!" Wario griped. He was lying on his back in a pool of his own stinking sweat. His stubby legs flailed aimlessly, but he didn't get up.

"What are you doing?" Wii Fit Trainer asked, trying to suppress a laugh. "Get up and we'll do some stretches."

"The only thing I'm stretching is my mouth when I inhale a double-decker meat lovers' pizza!" Wario opened his maw just to demonstrate how wide it could go. Then he snapped it shut with a click of his teeth.

A wave of garlic hit Wii Fit Trainer's nose. Ahh. It smelled like a delicious Italian meal.

One that had been sitting in a dumpster for a week.

"I asked you what you were doing," Wii Fit Trainer said, placing her hands on her hips.

"Whatsit look like, toots?! I'm jogging! I'm just lettin' gravity do the work!" He guffawed, continuing to flail his legs with hardly any effort. A fart ripped the air. A few seconds later, the smell of garlic was replaced with the gaseous stench.

That was what Wii Fit Trainer loved about him. He wasn't afraid to be himself. Absolute confidence.

But there was one thing she didn't love about him. To put it simply, it was his physique. Her heart fell every time she caught sight of those love handles spilling over the edges of his tight pink pants. The sight of his moobs jiggling on the battlefield left her in a state of depression.

"Wario, I wish you would put more effort into your cardio. Your biceps are flawless. With some work, I'm sure the rest of you could be."

"Whatchutalkinbout?! I'm flawless all over! Wario hot stuff, baby!" He sprang to his feet, surprisingly nimble for his size. Then he scratched his butt ferociously.

I know, Wii Fit Trainer almost said aloud. Instead, she just shook her head. "Wario, I just want you to be healthy. I've seen the way you eat, especially on the battlefield, and it worries me."

"Yeah, yeah, heart attacks are the leading cause of death and blah blah blah," Wario said. He'd shifted his attention from his itchy butt to his clogged nostrils. He went "mining for gold" in their deep, dark depths.

"Just…stop eating TNT boxes and machine parts, okay?" Wii Fit Trainer muttered. The fight was beginning to go out of her. "And try to stick to the cardio regime I scheduled for you. It'll do wonders for your health."

Wario flicked a booger off his finger. "If I need to go anywhere, I'll take my bike. Running is for suckers!"

Wii Fit Trainer tried to smile. "Your motorcycle, huh? Maybe you could give me a ride sometime."

Wario flashed her thumbs-up. "Girl, you can straddle my hog anytime you like!" He turned and swaggered from the fitness center, his ginormous butt sashaying from side to side as he went.

And that was when Wii Fit Trainer knew that she was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with Wario.

The sleepover was ruined. The rest of the night, the female smashers tried to delve into Wii Fit Trainer's psyche. Why would she ever fall for someone as disgusting, arrogant, and morbidly obese as Wario? His entire existence went against everything she stood for. It wasn't possible.

None of them said anything about his award-winning personality or his sense of style or his perfect mustache. Wii Fit Trainer's fists began to clench with rage as they bashed him well into the night.

"Okay, I think we've finally worked it out," Peach said. "You're not in love with Wario, but rather, you're in love with what you could do for him. Kind of like one of those girls who sees a broken guy and has to fix him. Know what I'm saying?"

"I know what you're saying and I don't agree," Wii Fit Trainer said in a voice like ice. "You really think I don't know my own heart well enough to judge whether or not I'm in love?"

There was an explosion of reaction from the other ladies. "Don't say that word," Samus groaned, facepalming. "GIRL, you're in love with Wario, of course you don't know anything!" Palutena shouted, while the Villager shrieked "I LIKE PIE."

Wii Fit Trainer rose to her feet, brimming with fury. Cruel words boiled at the back of her throat, just waiting to spring forth and scald her friends. Then there was a comforting hand on her arm.

"You can't change how you feel," Princess Zelda said quietly. "But Wii Fit Trainer…you can't change him, either."

For some reason, Wii Fit Trainer felt like she had been struck. "I don't want to change him!" she cried out. "I like him just the way he is!" She whirled around and strode towards the exit. The others called out after her, telling her to come back and stay, but she refused to listen.

She left, slamming the door behind her. Then she paused, listening back for her friends' reactions.

"She crazy!" the Villager giggled in a high-pitched voice.

"She is," Peach agreed.

Wii Fit Trainer just rolled her eyes.

Despite everyone's reactions, Zelda's words had upset her far more than anything else. It was like she had seen right through her. And thanks to Peach, she was beginning to question her own feelings.

Is it true? Am I in love with the fact that he's a challenge, that I can get him to lose weight? Is that all this is?

She felt pathetic. Dragging her feet, she headed back to her room, moving sluggishly through darkened hallways. But just as she turned a corner, her heart nearly leapt out of her throat.

She knew that rotund silhouette anywhere. Wario was coming down the hall in her direction. Wii Fit Trainer was tempted to dodge back around the corner, but he'd already seen her. He came her way, tweaking his mustache and arching his eyebrow in an irresistible way.

"Hey! Isn't it past your bedtime? I thought you health nuts were supposed to go to bed at 4 o'clock." Upon drawing closer, Wario noticed something a little off. He squinted into Wii Fit Trainer's face. "You got somethin' in your eye."

"Oh. It's not that, I'm just crying," The fitness trainer said, dabbing at her pupiless eyes.

"Whaaat?" Wario's jaw hung open. "You have emotions?!"

"Yes…"

"I thought you were a robot."

"Well…even robots are capable of love," Wii Fit Trainer said quietly.

Wario just snorted. "Okay. G'night."

He went to step around her, but she cried out, "Wait!"

Wario paused, mystified.

Wii Fit Trainer could feel the color rushing to her face. She would have much rather not done what she was about to do. But she was tough enough to pull it off. And if she didn't do it, this relationship would never go anywhere…

"Will you…will you go to the Super Smash Brothers Ball with me?"

Wario blinked. "What ball?"

"The…the one held in the mansion every year."

"Will there be food?"

"…Yes."

"HECK YEAH! I'm in!" Wario pumped his fists. "But you're treatin'!"

He began to move past her once more, but Wii Fit Trainer put out a hand to stop him. "So you'll be m-my…date?" He hadn't made it very clear.

She nearly collapsed in relief when Wario nodded. "Sure thing, hotcheeks! So long as you don't try to make me EAT a date! Wahahaa!" Finally, he moved on.

Wii Fit Trainer let him go. For the rest of the night, she couldn't stop beaming. Even when her cheeks hurt. This feeling couldn't be wrong. She didn't care what the other girls thought. They were just jealous they could never have a love as pure as the love of Wario.

I'll show them, Wii Fit Trainer thought determinedly. I don't need to change him. I'm happy enough just to be with him. They'll see…they'll all see.