So I had a random thought one night about Severus being sick with stomach flu and some random student suggesting he might actually be pregnant. Then since it's me, I decided what the hell, let's roll with it and put him with James, Sirius and Remus only none of them know about the others. So I came up with this.

Now just to warn you: DO NOT TAKE THIS TOO SERIOUSLY! Please, it's just a fun little oneshot that IS STAYING A ONESHOT! Seriously I can't start yet another story. Not right now anyway. Also just to warn you the boys are probably quite out of character, Severus definitely is in parts. But he is kind of having a nervous breakdown so it's understandable.

Anyway enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own the Harry Potter franchise, it's characters etc. Nor do I get any money or profit from this story.

Severus Snape had stomach flu. It was hardly front page news. Hell he wasn't even the first in the school to suffer from it. It had already claimed six others judging by the number of occupied beds in the infirmary. There was no great scandal, no great mystery as to how it had come about. It should have passed by without incident, maybe a week in bed and on the bog and he'd have been fine. But no, this was Hogwarts. A school for morons, gossipers and quite frankly people with way too much time on their hands.

During dinner some moron had announced that he was stuck in the infirmary puking his guts out. Why he'd felt the need to do so, Severus couldn't begin to fathom. Of course few people had cared, at least at first. Most just assumed it was Potter and his gang up to their usual tricks and they responded in the usual way. A shake of the head, perhaps a slight scoff and then they wouldn't give it any further mind.

This time however, well this time was different. In the papers that morning there had been an article about the recent birth of a baby boy born to two of the most influential wizarding families in Europe. Now that was hardly much for the teenagers to gossip about. Only this birth had been between two men which made it somewhat more interesting. Of course it wasn't so much that it was because they were both male, well it was but not in the way you might think, but rather than male pregnancy was hardly ever talked about. So naturally everyone wanted to know about it.

Severus had never seen the appeal of it, why on earth would anyone go through all that just to end up with a squalling, wailing creature that demanded everything and gave back nothing in return? For love? Hah, like he believed that. Out of some biological need to keep the family line from going extinct, well he could believe that. Unless the line was Potter's, or Black's. Merlin knows their family lines could do with stopping with them.

Anyway, with the topic of male pregnancy being the popular choice for the dinner table, Severus' troubles soon began. The same moron who'd announced to everyone that he'd spotted him puking up his guts in the infirmary, happened to have read that article that very morning. And having no brain to mouth filter, or so Severus believed, the lad had wondered aloud if there was a chance Severus had gotten up the duff.

Now normally people would have only laughed at him. Everyone pretty much assumed Severus was a virgin, who'd want to touch that greasy git? Only in the last week another scandal had emerged. One where everyone learned Severus liked blokes, although thankfully no nudity had been involved. Believe me everyone was thankful for that bit. Although it did make some a bit curious.

Following the scandal and taking into account the eye witness report that Severus was in fact in the infirmary, naturally people started to talk. That in itself wasn't such a problem people were always talking about him. Honestly the very idea he was pregnant was positively ludicrous and he had hoped everyone would quickly come to their senses. Only…well Severus had a bit of a secret.

As it turned out, when the whole school found out he liked blokes, well it hadn't been the first time he'd realised it. In actuality he'd known it the last couple of years; don't get him wrong he had loved Lily. He just wasn't attracted to her in that way. She was just everything he wanted in a relationship; love, safety, comfort, friendship, you know all that mushy stuff. She just didn't have the right parts for his tastes. No he'd first found out he liked blokes after being hit on by a lad on his street. He wasn't much to look at and kind of an arse but he paid Severus enough attention to make him feel special for the first time in his life. At least until he'd found him balls deep in some lass who was well known for being a bit of a slut. Thankfully neither had seen him, even more thankfully Severus had never done anything more than give him a handjob. But it still hadn't stopped him from cursing the son of a bitch. In the form of a carefully crafted potion of course, that he'd disguised in a beer bottle. The next time the lad had come looking for him had been the last. Something about blisters and boils and who knows what else, or so Severus had heard through the grapevine.

It had sucked yes, but at least Severus knew for sure that's what he was into. Now he just had to find someone that wasn't such a twat. He wasn't having much luck. It was around this time that Severus made one of the stupidest decisions of his life. Depression and drink would do that to a man, well boy in this case. Well he was seventeen so it was kind of on the fence.

Anyway, to put a long story short, Severus had ended up bedding three out of the four Marauders. Remus had been the first, not his actual first but his first marauder. It had been a spectacularly bad day, as opposed to the usual level of badness his days usually came with. And Remus had been nice, very apologetic and just the right amount of pitiful that Severus found himself giving in. He blamed the firewhisky for that one. Clearly he hadn't been in his right mind. But the sex had been decent; he'd gotten off at least. But afterwards, well that had been pretty much disastrous. Honestly you sleep with a guy and he takes it as a sign that you're in love. How he even fit his head through the door Severus had no clue.

James had been next and well the less said about that the better. Rumour had it Lily had dumped him for some Ravenclaw tipped to be the next Head Boy. Once again drink had been involved; James had sought him out thinking they could both wallow together. Why on earth he thought it'd be a good idea Severus had no clue. Although he suspected Black had been involved. The sex this time, well it had been alright and he'd said as much. Nothing special though, apparently James had wanted to wait for Lily so Severus had found he'd had the rather dubious honour of making him a man. Well at least he'd known what to do with it and had enough sense to use plenty of lube.

As for Sirius, well as much as Severus hated to admit it, he'd been the best shag of the three. Quite possibly of his life if he was really being honest. But he'd rather bend over for Pettigrew than to admit to that. And even he wouldn't touch Pettigrew with a ten foot pole. As for how he'd ended up another notch on Black's bedpost, well for the life of him he couldn't figure it out. One minute they'd been at each other's throats, the next he found himself face down, arse up and listing all the reasons to let Black live. Apparently his need to get off had been greater than his need for blood as Black had escaped mostly unscathed. Well he wasn't about to let him say all that shit about him without some kind of memento to commemorate their time together. And that black eye really had suited him.

So yes, as it turned out Severus was a bit of a slut. But he'd been careful, used protection and of course he hadn't breathed a word of it to anyone. He wasn't stupid; they'd already tried to kill him once. So why had he let them do what they did? Why had he gone along with it you might ask? Quite honestly Severus didn't know. He still hated them with a passion. Well okay he almost felt a bit sorry for Remus and a little bit for James after that rather disappointing lay. But still he hated them all. Privately Severus was convinced he'd suffered some kind of psychotic break, he'd certainly been under enough stress for it. Perhaps that's why he'd succumbed to the stomach flu like he had. Stress screwed with your health didn't it? Well if it could make you stop eaging and stop sleeping then it almost certainly impacted your health in some way.

Severus supposed he should have realised that at some point the three of them would find out he'd shagged the other two. They were all best friends; they were practically bound to at some point. But Severus had hoped against hope that it wouldn't happen until they were in their thirties, bragging about their past mistakes and youthful excursions. But of course that hadn't happened. No that would involve the universe being on his side and it did so like to shit on him whenever it had the chance.

So not only was he sick with the stomach flu, thanks to some idiot whose death he'd already planned in great detail, half the school was convinced he was pregnant. And once people learned how long it took for the symptoms to start, well suffice to say he ended up with three of the last people he ever expected or hoped to see again at his bedside. You see Severus had done something rather stupid. Which at this point was becoming a bit of a pattern. Now he hadn't shagged them all on the same day, he wasn't quite that stupid, but he had shagged them all within a week of each other. On different days of course. Remus had been a Monday and by Wednesday had taken to avoiding him. James had been his Wednesday shag and Sirius, well Sirius he'd saved for the Saturday night. Well at least it had given him something (or someone) to do.

"You slept with him!?" Yes, yes and yes. Now would they go away?

"Why!?" They'd demanded. Severus just groaned. Couldn't they see he was already miserable enough.

"Who's the father?" Remus had asked.

Severus wondered if he was hallucinating. Wait did the stomach flu cause hallucinations? Or had he finally cracked? But then the other two started asking. It had taken Madame Pomfrey herself to go through the process of checking if he was indeed pregnant before the three of them shut up.

He wasn't pregnant, he had the stomach flu.

Severus had never been more relieved in his life. Just thinking about carrying the next generation of marauders had been enough to make him vomit. So he did. He must have looked truly pitiful because the three left without further incident. Remus had even wished him well. Severus was almost starting to like him, almost.

A week later and Severus was finally able to leave the infirmary. The first item on his agenda, the hottest, bubbliest bath he could get himself in. Thankfully the Room of Requirement hadn't disappointed. Only then he'd started thinking about what had happened and once he started he couldn't stop. And that is how he ended up naked in a bubble bath with a werewolf, an idiot and complete psychopath staring at him in disbelief. Awkward didn't even begin to cover it.

He'd tried running, as humiliating as that had been for him. But running when in the same room as a werewolf and when the other two's animagus forms were of a mutt and a stag, probably wasn't his best idea. Apparently they took the whole hunting thing a little too seriously. Not that they'd hurt him. Bloody terrified him, yes. But they hadn't hurt him.

Severus hadn't known how to react, having said that, I doubt few people would. Eventually though things got a bit awkward. What him being naked and pinned to the ground, completely flaccid in every sense of the word. Obviously not enjoying it in the slightest.

"Who was the best? Out of us I mean?" Sirius had asked.

Severus had wanted to gut him. Of course he'd be the one to ask, the tosser. Only then the other two wanted to know as well. It took twenty minutes for him to admit the truth; it took Sirius another hour to stop crowing about it. Then of course James, after learning he'd been the worse, decided to prove that wasn't the case. By that point Severus was quite sure he was hallucinating. Or dreaming. Or both. He'd obviously not left the hospital, he was still safely tucked away in bed so what did it matter what he did in this state?

So Severus, believing none of this was actually happening (because come on, when did this sort of thing ever happen in real life!?) agreed to let James fuck him. Then Sirius, you know for comparison. Then finally Remus, well it was only fair and he had been the one to cast the lubrication spells. Severus bloody loved him for that.

Eventually the three of them left; each sporting the signature swagger that came with a good shag and praise for their skills in the bedroom. Severus was left alone to bathe and drag himself to bed. Somehow still believing that this was still a dream; a very vivid somewhat painful dream, but a dream nonetheless.

When Severus woke up the next morning he felt fine. He found no bruises, his arse didn't hurt and he stopped feeling a need to vomit every twenty minutes which was bloody marvellous. Naturally this put him in a good mood.

Little did Severus know that James had sent his personal house elf to administer some potions to him. Out of guilt or kindness he hadn't said, but the house elf had been determined to carry out her task. Her master had always been a sweetheart. Now the bruise cream that had been easy enough to apply, the poor boy had been all tuckered out and she was careful to be as silent as a mouse. As for his other, less easily accessible problem, the house elf had been rather clever. She'd woken the lad up; made sure he was only half awake and told him Madame Pomfrey had sent her with a potion he had to drink. One that would make him feel better. He hadn't protested, drinking it in one go. Such a nice boy he was, she'd thought before she left.

So the next morning Severus was happy to get on with his life. If he caught the looks the marauders kept giving him, well he assumed they were still hung up on about the whole them finding out about each other thing. He didn't have time for such narrow-mindedness. But it was a shame, that dream with the three of them in had been bloody brilliant. You know if he put aside this whole, not being able to stand the sight of them thing he had going on. But like that was going to happen.

Now the rest of the month passed by without incident. Well aside from those looks he got now and again, but he could handle those well enough. Another three weeks passed much the same; it seemed the universe had decided to give him a bit of a break. That's when it happened.

Severus found himself with his head in the toilet, retching until he was left shivering and miserable. "Urgh" he moaned. "Again?" he asked himself. Hadn't he just gotten over the stomach flu?

Severus skipped the next period to see Madame Pomfrey. Like hell was he going to class feeling the way he did. Only when he got there he found the three people he'd very much hoped he wouldn't see. Apparently James and Sirius had been pulled out of lessons for an emergency quidditch practice. Remus, being the star student he was, had a free period. It seemed James and Sirius had collided, with James breaking his arm and Sirius breaking his collarbone. Both injuries which would be cured in seconds. Such were the benefits of magic. Unfortunately Severus had been made to wait a few minutes, giving the boys enough time to notice him and stare. Seriously the staring was really starting to wear on him.

"Now Severus, what seems to be troubling you?"

"I've been vomiting again". Wasn't that nice to have to admit in front of those who lived to make his life miserable.

"You have? Well let's examine your stomach shall we? There haven't been any new cases of the stomach flu since you last had it. Perhaps it's just something you ate". Merlin he hoped so, he didn't want to have to miss another week of lessons.

"Now let's see" Madame Pomfrey began scanning him with her wand. "Here we are and-oh". That oh didn't sound good. That oh wasn't a good oh. "Oh my". Well that wasn't reassuring in the slightest. "I see". See what? What did she see? "Severus?"

"Yes?"

"Now I know this might be a bit of a delicate question, but are you sexually active?" Severus could have worn he heard Potter choke at that. Severus only nodded, too mortified to speak. "And I take it you've been with another male? That you were-that you were the on receiving end?" This time it was Black who started choking. Severus ignored them both, dread filling his stomach.

"What's wrong with me?" Severus dared to ask.

Madame Pomfrey looked uncomfortable. "Well I can say with complete certainty you don't have the stomach flu. Nor is it something you ate". Severus really didn't like the way she was looking at him. "According to my results Severus dear-" Oh god she'd called him dear. Was he dying? "-you're pregnant".

Severus fainted. A second later three more bodies hit the floor.

Clearly the universe hated him.

Please review!

KB