The Naked Truth.

Levi's breakfast is disturbed by some news about his stupid friend and how she continues to disturb the brave men and women of the Survey Corps.

Rated T for language.

Levi didn't like being disturbed at breakfast, and everyone knew it.

It was the only time of the day he had to himself. He ate separately from the others, usually a sparse breakfast of some toast and black tea. It was his quiet time, the way he got ready for a day of insubordinate brats and annoying comrades. No one dared bother humanity's strongest during his breakfast.

Which is why he knew someone was being stupid again when a frightened looking recruit entered the room.

"E-excuse me, sir," he stammered, shifting and sweating. "There's a . . . situation."

Levi sighed, standing. He didn't even have to ask. "Where is she?"

He followed the nervous recruit towards the courtyard where the Titan experiments were held. People were muttering and shifting around the outside of the courtyard. They stood at attention, though, when Levi joined them. His facial expressions didn't change, nor did his body language, but inside, he was a confused.

"What's the problem?" he asked.

"She – uh, well . . ." Moblit shifted his feet, looking uncomfortable.

Levi narrowed his eyes. "Why is everyone outside the courtyard?"

"We didn't feel . . . uh . . . comfortable," one young recruit said.

Levi glared. "Comfortable?"

"Sir, please, just . . . do something," the scout who had come for Levi begged.

Levi sighed and walked past them, entering the Courtyard, and immediately saw the problem.

"Oi, shitty-glasses," he called, crossing his arms. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Levi!" Squad Leader Hange Zoe turned to Levi, completely naked besides for her glasses, and totally unfazed by Levi joining her. She stood completely comfortable, hands on hips and a large smile on her face. Levi only blinked.

"It's Sonny and Bean!" she exclaimed excitedly, bouncing towards him – literally. For the love of Sina, she's going to give herself a broken nose with those things bouncing about like that, Levi thought in annoyance. She grabbed his hand, pulling him forward.

"Look at them!" she exclaimed. "They're struggling to get free!"

"Tch, they're always doing that," Levi retorted, stepping towards the titans and glaring at the ugly bastards.

"No, no, they weren't!" Hange said, her voice rising in pitch as her excitement grew. "Because I'm naked!"

"Are you?" Levi asked without missing a beat. "I didn't even notice."

"Well, the others certainly did," Hange huffed, joining them and crossing her arms over her bare chest, only out of annoyance and not even a bit from modesty. "Would you believe they started leaving the second I took my shirt off?" She pushed some hair from her face. "But as I was saying – I'm naked, and their interest in me is significantly lower than it is when I wear clothes! Look, even now they're only concentrating on you! I think perhaps it has something to do with some sort of psychological reasoning that since they're all naked, if we are perhaps they see us as less of a threat."

"Since when do titans see humans as a threat?" Levi didn't budge, staring at the titan. It was paying closer attention to him; as was the other one. Both their eyes were trained on Levi, completely ignoring Hange in her full, naked glory.

"But we don't know how titans think, Levi!" she reminded him. "Whatever the reasoning, without clothes they simply have no interest in us."

"Let one go and see if it still wants to eat you, then."

"Ha, ha."

"S-squad leader," Mobilt said as he entered with a few other awkward Scouts, averting his eyes from Hange. "The others are requesting that you please put some clothes on."

"What exactly are you even suggesting with this research?" Levi asked, ignoring the others.

"I think it would be easier for us to scout the land and make our way to Shiganshina if we all traveled naked," Hange said boldly, ignoring her assistant. "That way titans would have less interest in us."

"W-wha?!" Mobilt looked shocked.

Levi's expression didn't change. "We can't travel naked. We'll get saddle sores."

"We could put some cloth on the saddles . . ."

"Besides, pubic hair would easily be caught in the 3DMG," Levi pointed out.

Hange nodded, stroking her chin thoughtfully. "Yes, you're right. I suppose we could all shave . . ."

"Quite the budget for razors."

"We could use the money saved from not buying clothes to buy razors," she suggested.

"What would be heavier to carry in the carts, extra uniforms or crates of razors?"

"I suppose it would depend on how tightly we packed the razors into the crates."

"Wouldn't the more well-endowed women be rather uncomfortable traveling at quick paces without any support?" Levi asked thoughtfully. "That Ymir girl has quite the rack on her. She'd give herself a black eye."

"Perhaps some flesh colored bandages."

Mobilt and the Scouts stared, wide eyed and completely dumbfounded. Was this conversation actually happening?

"I'd rather not have any of my important bits exposed if we were to fight titans," Levi was saying. "I'd rather die than have a titan bite my dick off."

"There are worse things than losing a dick," Hange replied.

"Easy for someone without a dick to say. Maybe they don't give a damn if we're naked. Maybe these two are just sick of looking at your face."

"Good point. Mobilt, take your clothes off," Hange commanded.

"I – I – Corporal, do I have to?!"

"What the hell is going on down there?" Levi, Hange, and the others looked up to see Erwin leaning out of his office window. His eyes widened. "Dammit, Hange! Where are your clothes?!"

"Erwin!" Hange smiled and waved, and Erwin turned a bright shade of red. "What sort of razor budget do we have?"

Erwin turned even redder. "Levi!"

"Yeah, I know," Levi sighed, and he grabbed Hange's arm. "Come on, shitty-glasses. Enough with the torture."

"I haven't touched Sonny or Bean today!"

"I was talking about the recruits."

"Where are we going?"

"You're already naked; it's time for your bath."

"Aww, Levi! I just had one last week!"

Mobilt watched as Levi dragged Hange back to the castle, Erwin slammed his window closed and muttered something to Mike about early retirement, and Jean, Armin, Eren, Connie, and Reiner all left their place from where they'd been watching at the window.

"This place is awesome," Connie said.

"This place is fucking weird," Jean said.