notes— so here's the deal. i got too much salt over this piece of shit fandom to call out everyone who acts like a piece of shit fan so i'm gonna write a bunch of piece of shit crack!fics to expel the negativity while at the same time throwing shade like confetti. Enjoy my temper tantrum. *stomps away*

erza can't keep it in her sheath

;;

Jellal frowned loudly (like a fool). "Strawberry cheesecake ain't Christmas pudding, Erza."

Erza stared at him and threw dagger eyes. Gerard caught them and gulped. Oh noo. He dead. He know he dead. He so dead he have no hope of ever not being dead. Poor Jerral. He got run.

"Exsqueeze me?" Erza hissed like a snake. "Exsqueeze. Me. What did u just say?"

"I did not say that strawberry cheesecake ain't not Christmas pudding not," he frowned loudly again. "Plus, it's opposite day. So… I am safe. No exsqueezing. I no dead. Please. I have been reduced to a coward who fears your great violent temper even though there is no canon material to support said assumption. Please hurt me no. I am but a weakling who was chosen as one of the ten Great Saint Wizards as a fluke. I really weak. Pls. Erz, pls."

"I'm afraid the author has reduced me to one-dimensional traits and so no matter the situation or characters I'm interacting with I must behave in a butch, violent and oppressive manner," Erza told him matter-of-factedly. "So even though I usually only respond like that when I'm in the guild and everyone is fighting for comedic effect, I will now try to kill you, Jellal, even though I was usually gentle and acquiescing with you unless you're trying to blow up the world or ressurect evil mages and you are a confident, powerful, commendable mage who can hold his own."

"Oh." Jellal blinked. "Oh, dear."

Erza requipped into her heaven's wheel armour.

He blinked again. "I suppose I, uh… I should run."

"Well, it is in your nature to run from problems instead of face them head-on, like that time you tried to destroy Nirvana instead of just walk away and that time you stepped up to participate in the Grand Magic Games despite how dangerous it was for you, and that time you dedicated your life to facing the crimes you'd committed in the past instead of try to forget them."

"Right."

"Yeah."

"I'm gonna run, now."

"Yeah."