Author's Note:
I am about to do something that is somewhat unprecedented. Something that may or may not shock you, for whatever reason. You can dread it, you can run from it, but destiny will arrive...okay, you can't run from it, but I digress.
Starting today, for the first time ever...since this story was first published on Christmas Eve 2015...I will be going...on a hiatus.
Now let me assure you, this has nothing to do with anything going on in the world, whether it be the pandemic or the current state of civil unrest. This hiatus is a decision that I've been mulling for days, weeks even, and now, I've come to terms with it.
That being said, I don't know how long this hiatus will last - might be two weeks, three weeks, or even longer than that. But with this hiatus, I plan on using the time to get a few things and priorities straight in my life, and all that jazz. However long that'll take me remains to be seen.
In the meantime, you can check out some of the other ongoing stories on the Smash archive, like The ULTIMATE Smash Bros Series by micbot37. Or you can read an already-completed story, like Syrenet by Paradigm of Writing (pretty sure I've promoted that story before). I know Smash Life is great and all, but there are other fantastic stories to check out in the Smash archive, if you give them a chance.
So just like the NBA, which is now coming back from hiatus next month...I'll be going on a hiatus of my own. I don't know that I'll ever touch my Fanfiction account during this hiatus, but I do know that I'll have to make up lost ground, to compensate for the weeks ahead...and that won't be easy.
So this isn't a goodbye forever, or anything like that...this is just temporary. I bid you all this chapter, and who knows when the next one will come. I just couldn't do one week without writing at least one more chapter.
Until we meet again...
Episode 233: Whistleblower
For the most part, Anna's care baskets were a huge hit among the folks of Seattle. These care packages, which came with candy and junk food, did more than enough to bring pleasure to the Seattlites that bought them.
Unfortunately for Anna, that pleasure was only short-lived.
Eventually, word slowly began to break out that the candy in Anna's care baskets were bringing harm to the folks in Seattle, and around King county. The reason? Some of the sour candy Anna had been selling in her care baskets, which caused some causes of lead contamination
Despite the concerns around the sour candy, Anna had no problem selling it in her care baskets until complaints about lead poisoning in children started appearing. With no Master Hand to address the issue, Mario had no choice but to take matters into his own hands - and address the situation through video means.
"There is nothing wrong, nor will there-a ever be wrong with Toxic Waste candy. Case-a closed," Mario said in a video on YouTube, looking professional in his living room. The video was being watched by Mario himself, as Spyro approached the plumber.
"Just saw that video on the local news," the purple dragon told Mario, who was looking pretty proud of himself. "I would say you're a local celebrity, but that wouldn't really apply to you, would it?"
"Meh...I'll take-a what I can get," shrugged Mario, as his video came to an end.
Mario: Apparently, there are allegations that Sabre printers can cause a fire. So I was asked-a to give a statement to the local press, since Anna was too chicken to do it her-a self. I'm like, what? All right. So I do it. It's on TV last night. And it's in-a the paper today. And it's online. And then I call-a 98.7, the request line. I talk to the host about it on the air. It's like, come on, people, enough-a is enough!
Mario was absolutely positive that the residents saw his video, and so the plumber went to the mansion to share some good news. He went to the gaming room, to address all the residents there.
"Everybody, we are-a at DEFCON 5," Mario said to the residents in the gaming room, some caring more than others. "I am officially the second most-a watched clip of the day on KOMO-TV'S YouTube-a page!"
"What's number one?" asked Robin, who felt oddly curious enough to ask.
"Oh, that teacher who was wrongfully accused-a of being a pedophile. Now, we cannot let-a the pedophile win again! I would like you all to go to the web-a site and watch my clip eleven times. For the views. And the children."
"So you just want us to go on YouTube and..." started Link, only to be interrupted when Mario nodded his head. "...okay, got it."
"Yes. Come on! Get it up!" Those who had their cellphones took out their devices, and immediately pulled up the video just to appease Mario. "Let's-a do it!"
"Oh, did you see this report that the zoo got a baby otter?" Fuaka asked Viridi, showing the goddess of nature a video on an otter on her phone. "It's on the same site!"
"Awww, it's kissing its mommy!" smiled Viridi, overtaken by the cuteness of the otter as Mario rolled his eyes.
"Oh, please..." the plumber grumbled as he turned around and walked away, only to bump into Pit who was watching the same video Futaba and Viridi we're watching on his own phone.
"Mario, you have to see, this is like, the cutest thing ever!" Pit said to the plumber as he pointed at his phone screen; Mario would walk past Pit and out of the gaming room, with Pit chasing after him.
Mario: Really? A baby otter? Okay, um, count-a me in as who cares. It's not even that-a interesting a baby otter, it can't even stand-a up. *looks at video on his phone* It's trying to stand up… *choking up* ...there it goes.
Mario's next stop was the arcade room, to share more of the good news with the residents. At the arcade room, the plumber saw the search committee, Isabelle and Tom Nook, speaking with Zelda and a few others.
"Hi Mario, hope we aren't in your way or anything," Isabelle greeted the plumber, who came over to see what was going on.
"Not at all, Isabelle, just wanted-a to see what all the buzz is about," responded Mario, seeing Zelda and King Dedede gathered around. "You're not talking junk-a about me, are you?"
"Nah, you're not interesting enough for anyone to talk junk about you," replied Tom Nook, leaving Mario unsure whether or not he should feel offended. "We're just talking about that sour candy Anna sold in her care baskets."
"Turns out that candy is more popular than the care basket themselves!" stated Isabelle - not necessarily a good look for Anna. "They're all over the news. Sour candy from the Middle East attacking innocent children...well, that's how they're spinning the story anyways. Gotta make it juicy, I guess..."
"Tom Nook, Isabelle, I think that I know what happened," King Dedede said to the search committee, ready to tell them the truth about the situation.
"I'm not sure you do, Your Highness," Tom Nook said to King Dedede, who mulled things over and figured that the tanoki was right.
"Well, now I think I might not. It's true what they say, I don't know everything..."
"A few days ago, Isabelle and I discovered how much lead there was in the sour candy. Don't ask me how we did it. But just as we were about to send out a letter to our affected citizens, somebody here snitched on us! We asked the candidates to look for the person who told the local press.
"Guys, I can assure-a you it was no one in-a this mansion," Mario assured the search committee, not wanting them to point fingers or have the candidates waste their time.
"How can you be so sure?" asked Isabelle, believing that Mario might be acting a bit too optimistic about things. "You think that everyone in this arcade is innocent?"
"Absolutely." To show Isabelle that he was right, Mario turned to address those in the arcade room. "Anyone-a who talked to the press, please raise-a your hand!"
"Put your hand up, Norma Rae," Bayonetta said quietly to Snake, who was just minding his own business. Snake frowned at Bayonetta, who was smirking.
"If you say anything, so help me God, I'll break off the temples of your glasses and stick them in your eye sockets..." Snake threatened, sneaking away from Bayonetta to avoid any kind of suspicion.
Snake: This is stupid. Even if I thought that Anna's dumb sour candy killed baby seals, I would not be a whistleblower. I'm Snake, for crying out loud, I've been silencing whistleblowers for years! It's how I made all my money. Paul Abdul wrote a song about how good I am. *sings* "He's a cold-hearted snake, look into my eyes..." *coughs, and wheezes* ...my singing voice isn't what it used to be.
With the search committee having told the remaining candidates about the whistleblower, the candidates would take matters into their own hands. One candidate that wasn't taking matters into his own hands was Meta Knight, who was in the fridge looking for some ingredients as Snake entered the kitchen.
"Hey, Meta Knight I need to talk to you about something," Snake said to the Star Warrior, who closed the refrigerator door after he was done looking. "It's really important."
"There's no way that we ran out of mayonnaise right?" Meta Knight asked Snake, as he desired to make the perfect ham sandwich. Or at least one that was above-average. "If I find out that Lady Palutena used it all up for her tasteless potato salad..."
"Yeah, I don't know. Look, I'm not sure if you heard, but the sour candy in those care baskets Anna sells at her shop? They caused lead poisoning. And there's word that someone told the local press all about it."
"I have heard about it, from the search committee. I would even settle for Miracle Whip."
"What are we gonna do about this? We can't sit around, and let this not be taken care of swiftly."
"I don't know. But I can look into the matter, since that's what the search committee would want me to do."
"Alright. If you ever speak with the search committee about the issue, let me know what they said." Meta Knight nodded his head, as he left the kitchen. Snake looked over and saw someone looking in the cupboard, and that person was Fox.
"Wow...that dude is good," said Fox, closing the cupboard door as he glanced at Snake.
"What do you mean? What are you trying to insinuate, Fox?"
"You didn't feel like he was hiding something?"
"He...he could've been. You sound very nosy today, Mr. McCloud."
"Like he was… covering something up? Maybe. Possibly."
Fox: Two years ago, Snake blamed Star Records for an unflattering video of him that was posted online on our YouTube account. Turns out that Snake meant to upload said video privately on his own account. Still, we got yelled at pretty bad by Master Hand. I almost lost my standing in Star Records, and some of my dignity, and I was mad as heck at the time. But I said "Fox, just wait. He's a fool. There's gonna be an opportunity. Just be patient." *smiles*
Mitsuru was going around the mansion, passing out forms to the residents. It was nothing major or anything - just forms that allowed the residents to voice their honesty.
"It's a little form, says 'I didn't do it'," Mitsuru said to Mario, handing the plumber a form in the hallway.
"There is no reason for anyone-a here to sign this," stated Mario, tossing his form unto the floor; the buddy cops would surely fine him for littering. "I know everything there is to know-a about these people. I know when-a their birthdays are, I know what their favorite kind-a of cake is, I know what color streamers they like…"
"All that's just birthday information, Mario. That's not going to help anyone."
"Yes, yes, but it shows a bigger picture. Some-a times, you gotta think BIG!"
"Why don't you come with me? We'll start out with the honcho, what do you say?"
Mitsuru: When my homeroom teacher was working in the detention room atschool and something went missing, he'd ask one question: What do we do when we find the guilty party? And if they said, "Come down on him with that swift hammer of justice," or something along the lines of that. A clear conscience doesn't need no mercy. But if they said, "Well they may have had a reason," nine times out of ten, that's the anus they'd check. Or so I've heard...
Mario went down to foyer with Mitsuru, to speak with the woman. He would speak with her inside a closet, but that would be a little too intimate...
"So say we catch this whistleblower, what do you think I should do with him?" Mitsuru asked Mario, curious as to what kind of plans the plumber might have.
"We should give him a one-a way ticket to Montego Bay, where they keep-a all the al-Qaeda," suggested Mario, although it wasn't a concrete suggestion - just an idea that popped into his head.
"Uh, that's, Guantanamo Bay. Though I bet al-Qaeda moved somewhere else."
"Yes. You put them in jail for a long-a time, you put them in jail-a for as long as you can."
"Well, I guess we're alright, Michael. I do think your punishment might be too severe..."
"I want these-a people to really pay, I want them-a to suffer. I'd prefer it if they died, because it's not-a right."
"Okay, now you're getting a little too ahead of yourself...let's just pump the brakes."
In the previous episode, Cortex received some guidance from Handsome Jack and Zachary Hale Comstock, who were brought to the mansion by Pit as a suggestion from Brio. Originally planning on fixing his speech, Cortex instead was convinced by Handsome Jack and Comstock to use his "conviction" to make the residents and others submit to him. Needless to say...it didn't turn out that well.
Regardless of the outcome, Cortex sought to carry out the next phase of his campaign. With Brio now writing a second version of the speech, Cortex focused on creating a poster in the library - a poster that would get everyone to support him, and stuff.
"Sup dude," a man of Indian descent approached Cortex, who was on a computer working on his campaign via Photoshop. Cortex turned around, seeing the man.
"Ah, you must be the IT guy I've been hearing about," Cortex said to the Indian man, who looked as youthful as the evil genius expected him to be. "Your name is Tamir, right?"
"No...my name's Raj." The Indian IT guy, Raj, looked at the computer that Cortex was working on, furrowing his brow mightily when he saw a questionable picture of Tiki on the screen. "Mind if I see that computer for a second?"
"Oh, sure thing, go ahead." So Cortex would move out of the way, allowing Raj to access the computer. Even made sure to save his work.
"Just one…" Before Raj could do his IT thing, Cortex held his neck down to the desk and pushed his arm up. "Gah! Ah! Dude, what the heck?"
"Apache persuasion hold, that's the heck!" Cortex took out his ray gun and pointed it at Raj, letting him know that he meant business. "What are you doing to my computer?"
"Not your computer, Dr. Cortex..." Gil informed the evil genius, as he was putting away a couple of books on the bookshelves. "Also, the search committee sent the IT guy to search out for any information on the leak."
"So you're not sabotaging my work, or my campaign?" Cortex would release his hold on Raj, letting him go. "Okay, go ahead. I got nothing to hide."
"Wait, are they searching all devices?" asked a very panicked Wario, looking around as if he were extremely guilty. "Does that include cellphones?"
"Yeah," nodded Raj, as Wario frantically ran to a table where his cellphone rested. "I already got to your cellphone, Wario." Wario would quickly run back to where he was.
"No, that's cool. Sometimes…sometimes I run. I'm a runner."
Word about the leak was spread throughout the mansion, and there was a lot of whodunnit going on about. No matter how the conversation went, the average resident always pointed to one person in particular...
"Everybody knows it was Snake, and i's not fair for us all to take the fall for his big stupid mouth!" frowned Samus, letting some things off her chest to Mario in the dining room. You could say she was letting off steam from being removed from the race last week, but she wasn't too bothered by it.
"Ridiculous, Ann," Mario shamefully shook his head at the blonde. "And like I'm going to believe one-a of his spurned lovers."
"He's been secretly complaining about this for awhile, it's not crazy," said Kiria, eating an apple in peace; you could say that Kiria is another one of Snake's "spurned lovers".
While Samus was firmly out of the race for woman of the mansion thanks to Tiny Tina (and Face McShooty), Lucina was still in it to win it. The princess was busy handling the whole leak situation, when she ran into Pit in the hallway.
"Not in the mood, Pit," Lucina told the angel before he could even say a word. "I got a lot on my plate..."
"Hold that thought," said Pit, holding out his hands in front of him to prevent Lucina from getting away. "I don't want to waste your time, and I wouldn't want to waste mine. I didn't do it. Now, I don't know exactly who did it, but I have a list right here..." Pit handed Lucina a piece of paper, with names on it. "You should fire the following people."
"Pit, this is just a list of all the candidates for man of the mansion. You're that desperate to help Cortex win, huh?"
"Okay, well...why would I disparage the mansion, as well as a reputation of a merchant lady that has made me rich beyond my wildest dreams?"
"Anna has never made you rich. Not unless she gives you money in secret, for some strange reason. Are you trying to turn whatever money Anna gives you into more money?"
"Are you referring to alchemy? Because I've been taking a few alchemy courses online recently, and..."
"It just sounds to me like you're bootlicking Anna for some money. I'd assume you're looking to buy some property, with that dumb method of yours."
"I'm not dumb. I'm smart. Most of the time, that is..."
"Well, buy property. That's my advice. If you're as smart as you think you are..." That was something for Pit to mull over, as Lucina walked down the hallway.
"What are you thinking about, Pit?" Cortex asked as he approached the angel, having gotten some work done on his campaign poster. "Coming up with some ideas for my..."
"Dr. Cortex, I have an amazing idea!" Pit said to the evil genius, grabbing his shoulders and holding them real tight. "How about we buy some property?"
"The idea does sound tantalizing...I'll see what Brio thinks."
With all the finger-pointing directed at Snake, Mario desired to hear it from the horse's mouth and speak with Snake himself. He found the former spy in his room, who was hiding underneath his cardboard box the moment Mario walked in.
"Is there something that you would-a like to say?" Mario asked Snake, who slowly lifted up his box and looked at Mario. "About-a talking to the local press?"
"I, I didn't know. I didn't do that!" replied Snake before putting his box back down - only for Mario to grab the box and toss it away. "I...I didn't do it.
"I don't believe-a you. You don't seem that trust-a worthy, Snake..."
"I swear on the graves of my parents who aren't even dead yet."
"That's a little much. Alright, alright, alright. A little Matthew McConaughey for ya..."
"I don't care, that's how much I swear! Please leave me alone."
"Okay, I believe you, I believe you." Somewhere, Just a Pancake is smiling...
"Oh and for what it's worth, people have been giving Rodin a lot of crap. He was more bothered about it than me."
While Anna did her business at the front of the mansion, there was always a strong possibility that someone from the tower might've told the local press. Which was why Mario went to the tower to speak with Rodin, at the suggestion of Snake.
"Did you tell anyone outside-a of this tower that the candy Anna sold contained-a lead?" Mario asked Rodin in his room, as Rodin took out his cigar and lit it ablaze.
"Yeah, I kinda did...I was talking to this girl at a bar," replied Rodin, as Mario began to look worrisome as he shook his head while looking at the floor.
"Oh, no, no, no…what did-a you say to this girl?"
"I think she could… sense my sadness, and I found out too late that she...she's a worker at the candy store downtown."
"Mama mia...was she cute?" Judging by the look on Rodin's face, the girl was anything but cute.
"I'm afraid not...couldn't even look at the woman's face for over a minute. That's how bad it was."
"Oh, no, Rodin! You've always had poor taste-a in women..."
Mario: I basically swore up and down-a that nobody from the mansion did it, and then I find-a out that someone from the tower did. And now he's probably going to get kicked-a out by Serena for it. And if that is not-a poetic justice, I don't know what is.
Taking matters outside the mansion, Mitsuru opted to speak with some of Mario's neighbors, to see if any of them were responsible for the leak. The woman was speaking with Marth, at the hero-king's home.
"Sounds like you were as blindsided by this as I was," Mitsuri said to Marth in his living room, after she went through his laptop. "And we didn't find anything on your laptop."
"I hope not, I honestly don't use my laptop for much," said Marth, grateful that he was cleared of any kind of wrongdoing. "Maybe cat videos, but everyone does that, so..."
But I did find this, underneath your desk." Minato took out a stack of paper, and handed it to a now suspicious-looking Marth.
" Oh, wow, this is, uh, just a medieval mystery novel that I've been working on."
"Medieval mystery novel...yeah, I know what it is. I skimmed the first chapter. I'm just curious, why would a man who hates people want to have a relationship with a maid?"
"Oh, uh, I don't know, uh..." Marth was laughing nervously and scratching the back of his head, while making sure that his wife Caeda was nowhere to be found.
"The way I look at it, there's only one of two reasons. He knows a secret about her that she doesn't know herself, or he wants to use her services to mop up after a murder."
"Oh...yes. That's actually a plot twist I have in mind."
Marth: Write your own stupid novel...
With Mitsuru going around asking the neighbors, Cloud was around and about in the mansion, asking people about the leak such as Kamui and Silas. Neither of the two lovebirds could be responsible, but it couldn't hurt to ask...
"...it was me," Kamui confessed to Cloud, Silas, and Corrin in her bedroom. All three men looked at the princess in shock.
"What was you? You were the whistleblower?" asked Cloud, who refused to believe that someone as innocent as Kamui could ever be a snitch.
"Okay. I'm talking to this woman, somewhere just down the street.
"Uh-huh, go on, we're listening..." said Silas, with his hand resting underneath his chin.
"She's telling me all about a trip she made a few months ago to Japan, I have nothing. I tell her that the care baskets going around town have lead-infected sour candy!"
"Why'd you do that?" Corrin asked his twin sister, who was looking down in utter shame.
"Her boyfriend's a reporter. So now almost everyone hates Snake, and it's this whole mess, and I don't know what to do."
"Okay, just relax. Just need to relax," Cloud said to Kamui, doing his best to soothe the princess before she lost it. That would be a sight to behold.
"I could tell Mario...or I could tell the search committee."
"This is a very good idea. This is good. Let's get all the bad ideas out now. Flush them out."
Eventually Kamui manned up, and decided to tell someone about her fault. She would speak with Mario, who was still lingering around in the dining room of the mansion.
"You told someone?" Mario asked Kamui, after the princess had made her confession to the plumber.
"I don't know what to do!" replied Kamui, now feeling distressed as she buried her face in her hands. "Do I go tell the search committee, or the candidates, or - I don't want everyone to keep blaming the wrong person!"
"I don't know what the best-a plan is, Kamui. Mama mia...my mind-a is going a mile an hour. Gotta speed-a things down..."
Mario: Two whistleblowers...two! I always thought Rodin and Kamui might get me in-a trouble for something I said.
Snake went outside to Fox's house, walking up the walkway to the front door. Looking around, the former spy then knocked on the front door, and Fox answered.
"Uh, howdy - I just got your call," Snake said to Fox, keeping his voice low. He didn't really have to, but he did it anyways.
"Good, now come inside," Fox beckoned to Snake, who entered the house as Fox quickly slammed the front door shut.
Fox: I don't have much of a plan exactly. More of a loose structure. Gives me freedom to improvise. It's like jazz. *scatting* Snake wouldn't want to mess with me. *continues scatting* But I've figured some things out, along the way.
"Some freaky stuff is going on," Fox discussed with Snake privately, in his living room. "I was walking behind Meta Knight and I heard some things."
"Such as?" inquired Snake as he leaned in close, interested in hearing what things Meta Knight had said.
"It was kind of mumbled, I don't know, uh, the only thing I could make out clearly was 'Snake', 'Problem', 'Eliminate,' something. I don't know what it meant."
"What? You don't know what it meant? How about 'Snake is a problem and we must eliminate him?'"
"Whoa...I hadn't even thought of that. You really blew my mind there, Snake."
"Yeah...haha." Snake was laughing nervously, scratching the back of his neck.
Kamui headed back to her room, to reflect upon some things. As the princess sat on her bed, there was a knock on her bedroom door, and she went ahead and answered the door.
"Yes?" said Kamui as she opened the door, seeing Mario standing in the hallway. Mario pointed at Kamui, then at himself, and then at Sonic, who was standing a few feet away minding his business. Mario then mimed eating a chili dog, driving, then pointed to his watch and held up five fingers. "I weirdly know exactly what you're saying to me."
"So see you in Sonic's car in five-a minutes," Mario said to Kamui, unaware that the nearby Sonic was eavesdropping on him.
"Yeah, you didn't need to actually say it." Sonic came over to Mario and Kamui, wondering what the two were discussing.
"Didn't need to actually say what?" the hedgehog questioned Kamui, as he kept exchanging glances with the princess and Mario. "Don't tell me you're leaving me out of an inside joke!"
Mario was with Kamui and Rodin outside in Sonic's car, a blue corvette. The three were just chilling in the driveway, with not a single person out to judge them.
"I have never seen so many parking tickets," remarked Kamui, as she pulled out a few parking tickets she was sitting on. "Let alone half-eaten chili dogs."
"All right, this is just messed up," said Rodin, the uncleanness of Sonic's corvette upsetting him greatly. He knew that Sonic was a messy dude, but this confirmed it. "Let's just get this over with..."
"No, you know what's messed-a up?" asked Mario, being mindful not to step on any of the wasted chili dogs around his feet. "This situation all up-a in here is what's messed up! We need to brain-a storm, we need to get out of this! Brain hurricane. Come on, think."
"Got no clue what a brain hurricane is, but whatever ends this meeting soon..."
"What do we got? Kamui? Rodin? You two got-a any good suggestions?"
"Um..." sid Kamui as she started to think, only for her thinking to be interrupted when Wendy Koopa opened the passenger door and stepped inside the corvette..
"Hey guys, sorry I'm late," the female Koopaling greeted Mario and company as she sat down in one of the passenger seats.
"We're not going for yogurt. That yogurt shop we usually go to is still closed."
"It's okay, she's-a cool, she also whistle-blew," Mario told Kamui, as there were now three whistleblowers afoot. That was not an encouraging sign.
"Guys, I couldn't help it, things just got so boring at the mansion. I mean, it's as interesting as a morgue. It might be less interesting than a morgue."
"Hey, hey, it's as interesting as a morgue...uh, bad-a word choice, you know-a what I mean."
Wendy: Of course I'm the leak! I think I Tweeted it! I can't control what I say to people, when I'm bored. I spend the whole day talking! I mean, I video chat, I Skype, I text, I Tweet, I phone, I Digg...that's still a thing, right?
"Okay, here's what we do..." said Mario, now coming up with a brilliant plan as he clapped his hands together. "...I say we just smash-a all the devices. Computers, laptops, cell-a phones, tablets, you name it. We destroy-a the evidence. No evidence, no case."
"Wouldn't we get in big trouble for smashing all the devices?" asked Kamui; she couldn't imagine damaging any of the computers in the computer room. "Also, everyone would hate us forever for it."
"Okay, not all the devices, just-a our devices. Life is all about-a sacrifice."
"That idea sucks," complained Wendy, who wouldn't destroy her own cellphone for the greater good. Even if her life depended on it, Wendy would never let her phone be harmed.
"I don't think that's a good idea," Kamui sided with Wendy, looking at the long-term effect of destroying every device in sight. Mario was thinking short-term.
"Just don't say no...that's-a all you have to do," said Mario, who was looking salty - only because he was now back to square one.
"Mario, you know you don't have to turn us all in," Rodin encouraged the plumber, shaking off the nicotine from his cigar onto the ground. "All you need is one scapegoat."
"Uh, if you turn me in, I'm turning in Rodin," said Wendy as she pointed at Rodin, who was now glaring down the Koopaling.
"That's just what we need, another black-a man in prison..." remarked Mario as he shook his head at Wendy, while Rodin continued to glare down Wendy. "You know, let's-a just…"
"Nobody's going to prison, okay Mario?" Kamui told the plumber, while putting a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "You need to convince the search committee and the candidates to go easy on us. And then we'll all confess once we know we're safe."
"Okay. You can count-a on me!" Mario pointed his thumb at himself and smiled, giving Kamui and the others assurance that their butts were safe.
"Um, what are you guys doing in my car?" questioned Sonic as he showed up at the driveway, his arms out to the side. Kamui held up a cluster of parking tickets in her hand, wanting Sonic to explain himself. "Uh...I can explain."
Dunban stood in the vending machine room, staring at the vending machines in front of him while making a decision. Entering the room was Cortex, who saw Dunban deep in thought.
"Let me give you a hand..." the evil genius said to Dunban, taking out his ray gun and blasting a plasma shot at one of the vending machines. The affected vending machine started shaking, before leaking out bags of chips unto the floor in front of Dunban.
"I was actually thirsty and going to get a drink.." Dunban said to Cortex, before picking up a bag of potato chips off the floor. "...but I suppose I can settle for water."
"It's the thought that counts!" Cortex waved to Dunban, who left the vending room half-satisfied with his bag of potato chips. Soon Cortex's phone rang, and Cortex was quick to answer. "Dr. Neo Periwinkle Cortex...forget that I ever said the middle name."
"The property you're looking at is in great shape," said the person on the phone - a local realtor that Cortex managed to come in contact with. "By the way, it has a very spacious basement office."
"Basement office? You mean like a lair? Interesting...very interesting."
Mario decided to speak with Mitsuru, who just spoke with Travis Touchdown about the leak in his camper. The plumber was in the foyer when Mitsuru came inside the mansion through the front door.
"Hey Ms. Kirijo," Mario greeted the woman, as she closed the front door behind her.
"Mario..." Mitsuru uttered the plumber's name, as she walked over to him.
"I was thinking about our little leak-a problem. I was up all lunch-a thinking about what we should do to this individual. You know what I think we should-a do? We make 'em come to the mansion to work, and we work 'em, and we make 'em sit next-a to the person they screwed-a over, Anna. And, and we pay 'em but we make 'em feel like-a they did something really wrong. The one question I have-a is, do we give them a bonus? I say yes, but right after they're back in the thick-a of it."
"Mario...what do you know?" Mitsuru cocked her head to the side as she looked at Mario, in a somewhat eager yet intimidating manner.
"What? What do you want-a from me, lady?"
Snake was exiting from the bathroom, having taken care of some business. The former spy headed down the hallway, as he passed by Falco.
"Psst..." Falco said to Snake, before drawing his right index finger across his neck. Snake was scared out of his mind, running away as Falco laughed to himself.
Falco: So there I am, minding my own business and Fox offers me three bucks. All I gotta do is walk by Snake and go like this. *draws finger across neck* Fox's a chump; I would have done it for anything. But considering that he's my best friend...I would've done a lot more for a lot less.
Snake was so scared that he ran back to Fox's house to tell the pilot what his best friend had done. He knocked on the door, and Fox answered right away.
"It's bad...it's real bad," Snake said to Fox, shaking his head in dismay as he was slowly fearing for the worst. "It's getting bigger."
Fox: Told as many people as I could about Snake. Now almost everyone thinks that he's the snitch. Fox eats the snake...
"I gotta find some way to get out of this mess," said Snake, wanting to save himself from any impending trouble. "Who knows what will happen to me!"
"Okay dude, calm down, take it easy..." Fox said to Snake, never seeing the former spy so distressed in his life before. The pilot was having a few second doubts. "...don't let it get to your head. Relax..."
"It doesn't matter what-a I know," Mario said to Mitsuru in the foyer, wondering why the woman was all up on his case.
"If it doesn't matter, then tell me," commanded Mitsuru as she folded her arms and added a little intensity to her stare.
"Why? Why are you doing this? Gonna make-a me wet my pants..."
"Because I want to deal with it the way I deal with it."
"Well, deal-a with this!" Mario showed some defiance to Mitsuru, as he crossed his arms in front of his chest. Didn't do that much, but it was effective in his eyes...
"Empathize with me for a moment. I encountered a big problem, and now I got a former man of the mansion who's giving me the silent treatment...speak to me...speak." Some barking was heard, as Koromaru - the team dog SEES - came running down the hallway to greet Mitsuru. "Come with me."
"What?" Mario watched as Mitsuru walked down the hallway with Koromaru, as the plumber had no choice but to follow along. "I don't like-a where this is going...are you going to kill-a me?"
"Don't be so ridiculous, Mario..." Mitsuru had a silent laugh, not wanting to laugh too much to the point of breaking her exterior.
Cortex was now outside the mansion, still on the phone with the realtor. So far, it looked like the evil genius was making some progress.
"I just need you to come by later and sign a few forms," the realtor said to Cortex - can't do any real business without signing some forms.
"Okay, I'll sign as many as you need me to," replied Cortex, doing whatever he must to get any sort of property.
"What time works for you?" Cortex did not answer, as he looked across the street. "Dr. Cortex, what time works?"
"You know what...cancel it. I want you to make an offer at 1999 Smash Boulevard. Make them an offer they can't refuse. No, on second thought, low ball them. Don't call me until you have it!"
"1999 Smash Boulevard? Is that even the right..." Cortex quickly ended his phone call, and looked on with a gleeful smile.
Mitsuru took Mario to her room, letting the plumbe inside. Mario was still on edge, as he entered Mitsuru's bedroom with Koromaru.
"Are we doing some-a shady stuff together?" inquired Mario, his concerns turning up to eleven as Mitsuru closed her bedroom door. "I know you said-a no questions, but...I have an early dinner that I need-a to get to...with Princess-a Peach."
Meta Knight was carrying out the investigation in the gaming room, going around asking people if they were the ones responsible for the leak. The star warrior just went around asking people to confess if they did it or not.
"I'm just relieved to learn it wasn't you," Falco said to Meta Knight, after he was approached by the star warrior. "Being found guilty, especially in your position, would absolutely suck!"
"Yes, yes it would," responded Meta Knight, as he moved on to Little Mac. "Little Mac, you're up next."
"It wasn't me," confessed Little Mac, as Meta Knight looked at the young boxer conspicuously, unsure if he could fully trust him.
"Sure sounded pretty nervous there, Little Mac...okay, I am prepared to conclude the investigation. And...you did it." Meta Knight nodded towards Snake, who was just chilling on a couch in the gaming room.
"What? Based on what?" Snake growled as he sat up on the couch, ready to throw some hands with Meta Knight. He knew that he could beat Meta Knight handily when it came to the fists.
"Um, just all the evidence. And it really seems like it was you. Can we all agree to say that it was Snake for now, and sit with it, see how it feels?"
"Alright, sounds good with me," said Rex, as Snake shot a glare at the swordsman. He was definitely going to give him a black eye later.
"Meta Knight, I think that seems a little unfair," Link said to the star warrior, not wanting him to get too hasty in his decision-making. "I mean, I feel like we don't definitely know it was Snake."
"Yeah. You know, I mean, for all we know it could have been...Link," assumed Snake, as Link gave the former spy a look that literally screamed, "Really?".
Mario felt like he was being held hostage, as he was in Mitsuru's room. The plumber was looking on in disgust, as he saw Mitsuru pet Koromaru and Koromaru licking her.
" I have-a rights, you know..." Mario informed Mitsuru, refusing to stomach any more of Mitsuru and Koromaru acting wholesome together.
"Let's just talk," said Mitsuru, as she stopped petting Koromaru and pushed the shiba inu away from her.
"I am not going to tell-a you anything."
"Mario, you don't seem like your normal self."
"Well, I'm going through a little bit of a rough-a patch."
"Aha...I knew there was something up."
"Whole year, actually. My favorite restaurant closed-a down, thanks to the pandemic."
"Oh, I hate that. Same thing happened with Kanji...he was ticked, as you can imagine."
"And my new favorite restaurant sucks...I bought a video camera last-a year, and I was looking at the tapes, and there were only like twelve-a minutes that I felt was worth taping the whole year. And most of that was just Jennifer, and Poochy running around-a my house. I miss-a Impa."
"Impa? Please pardon my ignorance, but who is this Impa?"
"Some Sheikah chick from Hyrule that would keep-a me in check. Best house-a guest Peach and I had; Lara's a close-a second. It's not been a block-a buster year for me financially. My Blockbuster stock is down...just like actual Blockbuster. Hehe..."
Poo: Well, I think that the real question is: Who is the whistleblower? The world may never know...or will it? Why am I talking so vaguely for...
Tensions were high in the gaming room, as Meta Knight was looking for the resident that told the leak to the local authorities. So far, the popular choice was Snake.
"Meta Knight, I told you all about that dumb sour candy," Snake said to the star warrior, who planned on swiftly punishing the former spy.
"I mean, it could be you, Meta Knight," Link said to the star warrior, who felt offended that a fellow candidate would accuse him of wrongdoing. "You're overstepping your boundaries again...almost like you're using it as a distraction."
"I think we all can agree that it's either Meta Knight or Fuuka," said Falco,the avian pilot taking out a coin as Fuuka frowned at him. Falco flipped the coin in the air, and it landed on...on heads. "It's Fuuka. Get her, boys!"
"Hey guys, uh, sorry to interrupt," said Raj, the Indian IT guy, as he sheepishly entered the gaming room with a cheesy smile. "I just wanted to say goodbye to everyone. Through Teach for America, I'm going to go down to Portland and teach, uh, inner city kids about computers."
"Not now, we're discussing some important things," Meta Knight calmly said to Raj, not wanting him to interrupt the vibe of the meeting.
"Oh yeah, it's just that my friends are in the car waiting, so I thought I would..."
"Viridi, what's this guy's name again?" Little Mac whispered to the goddess of nature, with Raj hearing the young boxer from just a few feet away.
"I don't know, it could be Tamir, it's something weird..." Viridi whispered back, as Raj let out a heavy sigh. Time for the IT guy to set everyone straight.
"Raj...my name is Raj," Raj said to everyone in the gaming room, loud and clear for everyone to hear.
"Okay, well, Raj, we're in a meeting," Wii Fit Trainer informed the IT guy, too polite to show him out the door.
"Okay, look, I get it, people. I'm the lame IT guy, and everybody hates me."
"Hey, listen man, you can't take it personally," Link said to Raj, who found himself very insulted by Link's remark. What did the Hylian even say?
"You called me man? I just said my name just now, did you forget it already?"
"No...sport." Link eyed around the room, meaning that he did forget Raj's name.
"You guys have me over every other week, and you can't learn my name?"
"Hey, IT guy..here's the story," Cortex said to Raj, ready to tell the IT guy what he wanted (and needed) to hear. "None of us have spent a lot of time getting to know you, alright? We liked the last guy, the Middle Eastern dude, because he kept to himself, and we also thought he might have been a terrorist...well, only Pit thought he was a terrorist. You know what, I'm going to leave you with one other thought. Inner city kids use computers for two things, games and porn! So good luck wasting your life, pal!"
"Thank you so much for that. I saw some of your hard drives on your devices, and guess what?" Raj gestured to Ryuji. "You're not an underwear model." Then he gestured to Wendy Koopa. "And you definitely can't fit into a size two" And then he gestured to Donkey Kong. "Donkey Kong, man, you're on Facebook. Why you been telling people you're not on Facebook? People want to be your friend, man! Alright?"
"You have friends outside the mansion?" Jacky Bryant asked Donkey Kong, who responded by frowning at the angel. "I was just asking..."
"And you..." Finally, Raj pointed at Snake, who was acting all innocent. "...this guy, you're the one who told the press. You wrote an e-mail to the editor. I saw it, the evidence is in his email account. Also found a draft on one of the computers, in the computer room. This guy's the snitch, he's the snitch! Go get him!"
"You're going to believe that guy?" Snake snickered at the others, who were all frowning at him as Raj left the gaming room. So many frowning faces caused Snake to gulp nervously.
Falco: About those three bucks...Fox gave me three bucks beforehand, to send an email to the local newspaper about Anna's care baskets and that sour candy. While logged in under Snake's email account. Predictably, the password was "Meryl" - no creativity. Was it worth it? Eh...
Fox: I don't wanna prank anymore. Things get real. It's not funny. I'm just gonna be good, stay in my house, go to church, try to do one nice thing per day. I don't wanna prank anymore. Leave it to the professionals, like Bowser.
Mario remained in Mitsuru's room, having to hear Mitsuru ramble on and on about crap the plumber didn't care about. Koromaru's presence was the only reason why Mario was able to stomach Mitsuru for so long.
"When I was growing up, there was nothing better than being a president of some big company in Japan," said Mitsuru, referencing her remarkable leadership abilities along with an iron fist. "And I thought I'd break some glass ceiling and be a hero to all those little girls out there...and they'd make a Barbie out of me."
"Hmm, hmm," responded Mario as he nodded his head thoughtfully, only to make it seem like he cared about what Mitsuru was saying.
"Would I ever sell sour candy that can cause lead poisoning, if I was ever a head of some candy corporation? I wouldn't. But if I had to go out there and make some kind of public apology, I mean, it's all I'll ever be remembered for. Nobody will want to play with my Barbie."
"You know, I would-a be willing, under the right-a circumstances, to do another apology video. On your behalf, and Anna's behalf."
"Surely you don't want to do that, sweetheart. I think that one apology video is enough."
"I surely do, and don't call me sweet-a heart. Mitsuru was laughing, but Mario wasn't laughing along with her. "Seriously, though, only Peach can call-a me that..."
Cortex was speaking with Tom Nook and Isabelle, in the mansion gardens. The three were having a fruitful conversation, talking about life, sports, the weather...and the prospect of buying the Smash Mansion.
"I'm about to buy this building," Cortex informed the search committee, thinking that they were privy to this information. "If I become man of the mansion, which should be a guarantee, I should be revered for thinking one step ahead..."
"You don't say?" replied Tom Nook, as he and Isabelle couldn't tell whether or not Cortex was being serious. "I own a one-eighth share in a rental property down in Smashville. Pretty good investment."
"Well, I'm one-eighths proud of you...enjoy these gardens for now...because pretty soon, you will be on your feet at Cortex Castle!"
"Dr. Cortex, you can't just rebuild this mansion in your image...Master Hand simply won't allow it. I don't think that he would let you buy the mansion either..."
The cat was now out of the bag, as Snake was outed as the man who told the local press about the sour candy in Anna's care baskets. Now that the truth was out, Snake was starting to feel the heat.
"Hey Bayonetta, have you seen my shaver?" Snake asked the Umbra Witch in the hallway as Bayonetta pointed up at the ceiling, where Snake's shaver was taped to.
"I'd say you deserve it," Bayonetta smirked as she walked away, leaving Snake to growl as he looked up at his shaver.
Snake: Look, I didn't want little children to get infected, and the same goes for senior citizens. If they can even eat sour candy, which I doubt. Does that make me a hero?
Wario: *offscreen* No, it doesn't!
Snake: Well, it doesn't make me the worst guy in the world, either...
"Snake?" a certain merchant said to the former spy, who looked down from the ceiling and saw Anna in front of him.
"Oh, it's you," Snake said to Anna, who was looking remorseful - presumably from selling that sour candy, in spite of its health concerns.
"I wanted to say that I think it was very brave of you to go to the press."
"Uh, thanks. Yeah, you know, just seemed like the right thing to do."
"Yeah. I would've done it myself, admit some ownership, but then Master Hand would find out and...he would hate me even more."
"Then I guess you can say I was just looking out for you. Consider yourself welcome."
Mario was in his living room, ready to shoot another apology video. This time, instead of Lakitu filming the plumber, it was Pac-Man filming, on a cellphone with a high-quality camera.
"The merchant lady running the shop-a at the Smash Mansion, Anna, betrayed the trust that she has built-a with her customers," said Mario, looking and sounding formal with Mitsuru looking on. "We regret our slow response-a and our lapse in candor and judgment-a in regards to the situation. At this time, there will be no more care-a baskets sold at Anna's shop, under Anna's discretion. Thank-a you for your time."
"And...scene!" exclaimed Pac-Man, as he stopped recording the video. Mario took a deep breath, as he dropped the formal facade. "I'd say that was your best apology video yet, Mario!"
"Relax, Pac-Man, that was only the second one-a I've ever done...at least-a I can stop speaking formally now. I sounded like a British person, almost..."
"So you think this video will be the most-viewed video on KOMO-TV's YouTube page? I'll even rewatch it eleven views, like I did with the last video!"
"Hey, I appreciate you reading that statement," Mitsuru said to Mario, very much impressed by Mario's poise and performance. "You looked pretty sharp there."
"That was fun," Mario remarked with a smile, although it was hard to tell what was so fun about making an apology video.
"I hope your rough patch ends soon."
"Thanks. Today helped, some-a what. Good progress."
"Well, give me a shout if I can brighten your life."
"I would love-a to see Impa again...she must be pretty busy back-a in Hyrule. Probably beating up hordes-a of Bokoblins or something."
"You want me to bring Impa to Seattle, some day? Sounds like a stretch, but...we'll see."