These Are Dark Days

Synopsis: Post-3x09. She realises what is going on the moment she looks at Klaus' sleeping face, not three inches from her own, and feels an unrelenting urge to kill herself.

Warning: Includes forced suicide, psychological horror, etc. Nothing that hasn't been on the show, though.

Chapter 1: the courage of the fragile fighter

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She hasn't dreamt of Klaus like this in months, but she does again tonight, on the evening before the Christmas party.

In these dreams she's always running, afraid to look behind her, knowing instinctively that there's something there. She doesn't mean to turn her head but it does. She comes to a stop even when her heart is beating in her ears and she can feel the rush on blood pumping through her body and her head turns. She feels dizzy, a weightless feeling in her head like when she gets up too fast in the morning and has to lie down for the nausea to pass.

There's no nausea now, however, and instead her insides feel cold, her skin is feverish and her head too light as her eyes lock onto his and she's lost.

He says something, his lips moving and and she can almost feel the sound reaching her ears but for some reason it's just that, a dull sound, a beating on her eardrums that she can't seem to translate. His eyes are still staring at her, no, staring into her, but she's not afraid even though she knows she should be. She only realises she's crying when his hand – so much warmer than she expected – comes up to wipe away her tears.

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She startles awake covered in cold sweat in Hayley's old bedroom at the compound. Breathing in slowly and deliberately she tries to slow her heartbeat down again.

She hesitates to diagnose herself but even she can't deny the signs of post-traumatic stress disorder she's displaying these days. Nightmares, flashes of memory so clear it feels as though Lucien might step away behind one of the doors in the compound and threaten her again at any moment. Nightmares of compulsion, no doubt influenced by her time as Lucien's prisoner and Aurora's human toy. She'd known she wasn't immune to compulsion from the moment Aurora snatched her. As such, she'd spent most of the day worried not just about the capricious vampire deciding to kill her, but that she might lock eyes with her and do something much worse.

Yet tonight she didn't dream of Lucien, nor of Aurora. Those months she spent under Klaus' compulsion still linger in her memory, even with their current friendship and the way Klaus has so kindly offered her a place in his home and gives her the space she needed these past few days. She doesn't trust him or care for him any less, but this isn't something she'll ever forget.

Why she dreams of it now is a mystery and not one she can explain. She feels safe around Klaus, safer than she does anywhere else these days. She knows he would never compel her again unless she specifically asked him to and yet something about it is clearly bothering her. Perhaps it's the fear of being compelled that triggered the dreams and that's all they are. Just bad dreams.

As she finally calms down and turns over her pillow before laying her head down again she repeats the words to herself. Just bad dreams.

It's only later that she wonders if her subconscious had been trying to warn her that she was forgetting something.

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The Christmas party at the compound is warm and mostly happy in a way that her Christmas hasn't been in years. Not since she was a girl and her parents were more present. Certainly not since Sean died. The family accepts her as one of their own and Cami finds her chest warming at the notion. Even Rebekah having to leave earlier and her farewells to her siblings and Hayley cannot take this warmth away from her.

Later on the balcony, Klaus kisses her and with laughter still in her throat she thinks that if this counts as a Christmas present it's the best one she's ever received.

She's forgotten all about her dream from that morning by now, her entire mind focused on exploring this new intimacy as her kissing with Klaus leads them to the bedroom. With every touch of his lips her heart beats faster in her chest, like a drum beat pounding on.

There's something at the back of her mind, crying for her attention. Something she's forgetting, something that's now trying to make itself known again. There's a pressure building in her chest like something is about to break.

Klaus' eyes are soft as they look at her and with her hand touching the skin above his heart she can feel each beat of his heart matching hers. For one short moment she almost believes this could last forever.

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She realises what is going on the moment she looks at Klaus' sleeping face, not three inches from her own, and feels an unrelenting urge to kill herself.

Oh, she thinks, remembering her nightmare. Oh.

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This is her last act of defiance.

She doesn't remember when it happened or who compelled her, but she knows this urge, this terrible desire, is not her own. She needs to kill herself and she needs to do it here, next to a sleeping Klaus, but the how is not entirely beyond her control.

A sharp object, she thinks, and this is not her own thought.

The silver dagger, she thinks, and this thought is all hers. The silver dagger, still covered in Rebekah's blood.

She slips away from the bed without waking Klaus, casting one brief look back. He looks so peaceful, sleeping like this. She's never seen him more vulnerable. She can't wake him, that must be part of the compulsion too.

The dagger is not far, just down the corridor and she almost breathes a sigh of relief at the sight of it. No one has cleaned it yet and for that Cami is beyond grateful. Some of the forceful pressure in her chest lessens when she holds the knife and she swallows heavily. This dagger is going to kill her. She's going to go back to the bed and lie next to Klaus and bleed to death and there is nothing she can do to stop that.

There's nothing she can think of that would be able to stop the compulsion in time, but there is one thing she can do.

On her way back to the bedroom, she drags her tongue along the flat side of the blade.

The blood is sticky and already nearly dried, but she holds the knife to her mouth until the coppery taste reaches her tongue and then swallows. This has to be enough, she prays, her heart beating rapidly in her chest. It's all she can do, please let it be enough.

Klaus is still on the bed and if he has noticed her absence, it hasn't woken him up. He's rolled more on his back now, leaving most of the left side of the bed free for her to sit down on. The pressure on her mind, her chest, her arms, is still as relentless as before and she looks at Klaus for what might be the last time.

He had kissed her. Just a few hours ago she had been happier than she remembers being in ages. Giddy, the laughter had bubbled up from deep inside her as finally, finally, they let themselves admit what had been going on between them for so long. He had kissed her and then he had kissed her again and again and again, that same reverent look in his eyes as he looked at her. As if she was the most wonderful thing in his life and he wanted nothing more than to hold her forever. It had felt almost like a dream for a while as they lay on the bed, smiling at each other, wondering where this would lead and content to take their time. It had almost felt too good to be true.

The dagger is warm in her palm where her touch has heated the metal and she knows she can't wait much longer.

In the end it was always going to be like this. She's dreamt of this moment a million times over. She's stood in front of the mirror in her apartment looking at the green eyes she'd shared with her twin brother and wondered what it might feel like to take a blade to her own throat. She's never been suicidal, but the thought has been lurking deep in her mind from the moment she heard of what Sean did.

She lifts the blade to her throat and wonders if Sean realised what was going on when he had gone through the same twisted motions. Had he been screaming in his head as well? Begging for someone – anyone – to stop him?

She pulls the dagger tightly straight across her throat.

The blood covers her hand almost immediately. The silver dagger is sharp, so sharp she barely feels its bite. A warm wetness spreads all the way down her chest and the air fills with the smell of blood. She drops the dagger as soon as she's done.

She wants to turn, to look at Klaus one last time. Now that she's done what the compulsion required from her she can move freely again. She wants him to be the last thing she sees in case this last minute plan of hers doesn't work.

Except the blood is flowing from the gaping wound in her neck faster than she had anticipated, and the loss of it is making her dizzy. Her vision is already blurring, darkness creeping in from the edges. She can't breathe.

The last thing she knows is her head meeting the pillow and then, nothing.

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A/N: To be continued. This chapter is largely a set up for the story to come, but next chapter should see some of Klaus' reactions and some details on whether Cami's plan worked and possible complications. If all goes well it might be up by the weekend.

Any comments or reviews would be much appreciated.