Omake 1E - The God Eater

-Earth - Antarctica - Ancient Base : Approximately The End of Season 1 Apparently?-

Amy and I stare at the display showing us a Goa'uld pyramid ship thing, somehow identified as belonging to Apophis, pass by Jupiter on it's way inbound to Earth.

'Well… uh… The good news is that we know what SG1 is doing now. Or will be doing shortly anyway. And as an added bonus, this solves the question of when we are in the series.'

"I don't suppose you remember if they're already onboard when the ship reaches our system do you?"

"I think... nope. No idea. Does that mean we can't just blow it with the dron- ooohhhh… wait…"

I weather the storm of Amy's annoyance at me for keeping control over our mouth so that I can indulge in a little mad cackling.

What?

Maniacal laughter seems appropriate to both the situation and to my new status as a partially ascended Goa'uld.

Alas, all good things must come to an end. In this particular case my cackling is brought to an end due to our body running out of oxygen in its lungs.

Forcibly reigning myself in to take a breath for us, I admit that, "I... may... have had... an idea."

I'm not sure I know how to react about the fact that, once I'd pushed my plan across the mental bridge between us and returned control of our body to her, she immediately began her own rendition of maniacal laughter.

Wait, yes I do! I rub our hands together in anticipation.

-Apophis's Flagship - Gate Room : Somewhere Near Jupiter -

I walk us through the gate while Amy focuses on using our totally-not-magic to start ripping staff weapons out of the suddenly confused Jaffas' hands.

Dodging strikes me as behavior that really ought to be beneath a proper deity… but since, you know, dying would also be rather ungodlike, I make do. I do try to make a show of swatting a few staff blasts out of the air while I'm at it as it seems far more impressive that way.

…

Even with vague memories of actually having 'done' it floating around in my head I still have no idea how the Goa'uld ever convinced anything they were gods.

Jedi maybe, but gods? Ah well, maybe I'm just jaded; having met the real things. I even got to eat one that one time.

Anyhoo, I'm ruminating instead of doing what I'm supposed to which is hamming it up for fun and profit.

"You would dare attack a god!?" I point at the poor Jaffa I've randomly singled out for example making and telekinetically crush it's head.

Once the small group of warriors in the gate room have been disarmed or head-squished, we're able to begin making our way to… oh. Hmmm… I don't actually know where I'm going...

"YOU!" I begin reeling in what looks to be the lowest ranked, and thus hopefully least prone to suicidal loyalty, of the surviving Jaffa telekinetically. "I dub thee Tour Guide! You will bring me to Apophis!"

- Three Crushed Jaffa Heads And Then Finally A Fair Amount Of Panicked Babbling Later-

Shooing Tourguidius the Fourth away, I can feel Amy's exasperation with me.

'Excuse you. You didn't remember that Apophis wasn't actually on this ship either.''

'I'm also not the one insisting we call him so you can gloat.'

'I'm doing no such thing.'

Disbelief floods out of Amy. 'Oh... really?'

'Of course not, that would be ridiculous. I'm calling him so that we can gloat. You even get to go first!"

Our lungs deflate as Amy sighs her most put upon sigh. 'You are such a child.'

'Oh come on! This is going to be hilarious. Besides, if he didn't want to listen to me do this then he should never have installed a holo-comm in the sarcophagus room. And yes, I am going to ignore that they don't call it a holo-comm. It is what it is.'

Reaching out and 'dialing' Apophis, I plaster a broad smile onto our face as the little holographic representation of Apophis finally appears before us.

"Klorel- What is the meaning of this!? Where is Klorel!?"

"Wow…" Amy shapes our face into a surprised expression before smirking. "I could have sworn someone already told you he got his ass kicked by the Tau'ri." The world shifts as she glances over at one of the cowering Jaffa. "I mean really, getting beaten up by lesser mortals is just so… weak, isn't it?"

Sadly, the Jaffa doesn't respond. I think having one of his own people mocking him would have been the icing on the cake. Alas, we'll have to do without.

Ah well…

"Who dares speak to me this way!? I will have your head!"

While Amy continues mocking Apophis, I focus on taking over control of our limbs to kick the cover off the sarcophagus and pull out the apparently still dead corpse of… uh… I think it's that kid they met when fighting Ra. I vaguely recall Daniel feeling bizarrely attached to the soon to be ex-corpse. Giving the body a shake for good measure, I set to work wrapping my totally-not-magic around the only slightly less dead Goa'uld inside of it.

"You would dare defile-"

...and pull!

There's a wet sort squelchy ripping noise as I rip 'Klorel' out of it's host before dropping the boy back into the sarcophagus.

Holding the feebly struggling snakelike thing up to the holo-camera, our eyes flash as I start to trade jobs with Amy.

As Amy sets the Goa'uld on fire and starts levitating the sarcophagus' lid back on, I tilt our head to the side and smile. "I... am Ka Anor, God Eater!"

And with that I bite the head off of the Goa'uld and cut the connection. 'Oh man, the look of horror on Apophis's face was so fucking perfe-'

'...unGhahech!' All manner of nonsense starts flooding over the from Amy as she suddenly begins struggling for control of our body.

'The fuck is your malfunction, woman!? I'm trying to make a statement here.'

A steady stream of nausea and disgust accompanied by a litany of, 'Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. You bit it! Oh Goddess, get it out of my mouth!' is my only answer from Amy.

'Oh come on it's not like… oh… oops...'

Sadly, toggling off Amy's ability to taste things after the fact does not appear to be enough to calm her down. Sheesh, it can't be any worse than the last time Amy tried to cook without supervision. Not that I'm dumb enough to point that out to her.

'Come on now, we're on a schedule here.' I start heading towards the nearest ring transport. 'We just need to keep it together long enough to get away from the impressionable young mortals,' I move our eyes to glance toward one of the Jaffa. 'Then you can vom- Or I suppose we could just kill them all and-"

The sound of a throat clearing, loudly, off to the side interrupts me.

SG1 and that older Jaffa… Bre'tac..? are watching me with mixed expressions.

Ummm…

Hmmm…

They have more of those damned P90's aimed at us too. Bullets are inconveniently difficult to dodge...

As we near the threshold of an 'awkwardly long' silence, I hold up the remains of Klorel. "Grilled godling anyone?"