October Maiko Week, Day 3 - Disclosure
"Your heart's a mess
You won't admit to it
It makes no sense
But I'm desperate to connect
And you, you can't live like this"
Gotye - Heart's A Mess
.
In the beginning it was just a bad habit. But it made her mother stop complaining about her behavior, so maybe it wasn't so bad after all. She was just being a dutiful daughter, not letting such a futile and unnecessary thing as feelings get in the way of her family's ascension on power.
You don't need much to lock your heart away from the world.
And in the end it became a second skin, a nature, a part of her so big that she couldn't let go. It was easier this way, she came to learn. Not to care, not to feel. It meant less broken hearts at the end of the day.
Tell me, show me, enlighten me, they all asked, they all demanded. Her expression never changed.
Not to care. Not to feel.
And hate, that was easy too.
You don't need much to hate the world.
And she was good at it, really good. She could insult many things in the world, from the simplest to the biggest, and still not to show everything. And if you already hated everything there wasn't much left for you to feel.
Not to care, not to feel.
And hate.
Hate everything. Almost everything.
Because she could never bring herself to hate him, and that was something big for a person who was really good at hating everyone. She couldn't hate him, but couldn't show she cared, couldn't show how she felt.
Speak to me, he asked. She couldn't.
Tell me, he pleaded. She couldn't.
Say it, he whispered. She tried.
I don't hate you was the best she could do. It wasn't enough. She wanted to open the box she kept locked all those years, to take all those feelings she discarded so easily back then and wear them in her sleeve, in her face.
She tried. She couldn't.
I don't hate you wasn't enough for her.
But it was for him.
He smiled, he understood. He allowed her to keep her box closed until she learned how to open it, how to take everything out. He would wait.
I don't hate you too.