A Season in Hell
Begun : January 7, 2003
Rating : PG (Some swearing.)
Foreword :
This fic was written primarily for kit, who, despite pretending to be otherwise, is a wonderful person. Really. Honto. Zettai ni.
It involves two series -- the one I'm absolutely, madly obsessed with (Saiyuki), and the other which I'm just obsessed with (Hellsing). It has been said that a whole story can spring out of a single image, and this one came from a desire to put my two favorite chain-smoking, temperamental, gun-toting blonds (ie : Sanzo-sama and Integra-sama), into the same room. And watch the fireworks.
Since I'm a Saiyuki writer, since this is a humor fic and since I'm not exercising good author-ship, I'm assuming basic knowledge of the Saiyuki characters in the readers. I've done my best to help those who are not familiar with Hellsing along with some descriptors, but in the event that you feel the need for additional information, please refer to
http://hellsing.nu/
For Saiyuki information, I recommend Bhex's write-up :
http://daiquiribird.philsites.net/saiyuki/about.php
Again, as I'm being a bad author, I'm not going to bother about explanations as to how the two worlds of Saiyuki and Hellsing meet. One could resort to blackholes, time warps and other similarly improbable and convenient excuses, but that would simply be cheesy. So, without explanation, without premise, and without much sanity what-so-ever, I proudly present to you : A Season in Hell -- where Saiyuki and Hellsing collide.
This fic is dedicated, bad 'Hell' puns and all, to kit.
sf -- January 7, 2003
This chapter was brought to you by chocolate, cheese, and (Hazelnut) coffee. Please excuse the extremely atypical writing style.
A Season In Hell
"Sanzo? We seem to be coming to a city," Hakkai commented.
"Even a moron -- no, even the morons in the back seat -- can tell that," Sanzo growled.
You must excuse Sanzo-sama's temper. At the time of writing, the sky is entirely invisible, being caught behind a massive, unbroken layer of clouds. Lightning is flashing, the wind is howling, and, you guessed it -- it's pouring like there's no tomorrow. In fact, from the fanfic author's limited experience, it's a more dramatic version of London weather. Any clues as to where we're headed yet?
"The unusual thing is that there simply isn't supposed to be a city here," Hakkai replied, unfazed. "It's not on the map."
"Hakkai... if it's one thing that we found out on this damn roadtrip to Hell [1], it's that a damn lot of things don't appear on the maps."
[1] Or possibly 'roadtrip from Hell'. The distinction is unclear.
"Perhaps we should make a note of this. We can market new maps on the way back and generate some sort of income. Gojyo and I could do with a new apartment."
Sanzo snorted and rolled his eyes.
"Or we could simply steal your credit card."
That earned him a chilly 'I'm-Really-Not-Amused' glare. Sanzo didn't even need to turn his head -- the glare radiated out of the corners of his eyes and struck Hakkai with all the accuracy of a homing missile.
And crashed into the unbreakable barrier that was Hakkai's eternal smile.
"So... what shall we do?" Hakkai replied.
"We get out of the rain as fast as Jeep can move, of course," Sanzo snarled.
At this point in time, we must not forget to pay tribute to the other half of the Sanzo-ikkou, currently mired in the backseat.
No, 'mired' was not a typographical error.
"BAIL, you stupid monkey! BAIL!" a certain half-youkai was yelling.
"What's bail?" a certain full-fledged youkai returned.
"Take that bucket and start pouring the water out of the jeep, numbskull! Or would you prefer to take a bath here and now?!"
Goku stared at the bucket in his hands. Water trickled down his hair, his clothes, his hands -- trickled down everything, pooling in puddles on the floor of the Jeep. Except that they weren't puddles any more; they were ponds. His shoes were entirely submerged, and, at the rate the water was rising, his knees would be underwater in a handful of seconds.
So, perhaps this 'bailing' thing would be a good idea....
Somewhere in the front seat.
"Anou... Sanzo, I believe the rain is getting too heavy. We might have to walk."
"Walk in ...that?" Sanzo indicated the situation outside the jeep.
Simply put, there were no puddles.
"I was under the impression that the best way to get through a flood was to stay in your vehicle and drive carefully," he continued.
"Except that Jeep is not a convertible. And I can't feel the pedals any more."
Sanzo sighed. This sort of weather was truly despicable, and terribly unearthly. Granted, they were in the low lands, and it had been raining for the past ten days, but flooding?
"There used to be a river around here, somewhere," Hakkai told him. "I think it broke its banks."
"Alright, alright, we walk," Sanzo muttered, as Jeep's engine spluttered and died. The Dragon-cum-Jeep squeaked pitifully and let out a cloud of steam. The Sanzo-ikkou climbed out with much splashing. The water was up to their calves, and that was in the shallows.
"It's not that far to the city. Maybe two kilometers." Hakkai squinted to see through the deluge.
"Yeah, if we sprint, we'll get there before we drown," Gojyo seconded. "Except that mister pretty monk doesn't want to get his feet wet, right?"
It would have been better if the priest had glared. But Sanzo simply smiled.
Gojyo backed up two paces and ducked behind Hakkai. It was that kind of smile. [2]
[2] I would insert analogies about grins on snakes or tigers, but it's overdone. But just so that you know, it had enough fang in it to make a vampire proud.
"My gun works perfectly fine in this weather, I assure you," Sanzo commented.
"Which gun?" Gojyo muttered.
Sanzo raised an eyebrow.
"I meant... Understood," Gojyo said out loud, making sure that Hakkai was directly between him [3] and the volatile priest.
[3] No, not in
that way. What were you thinking?"Ne, shall we make a move?" Goku pestered. "I want food!"
***
"At least the rain keeps them indoors and out of trouble."
Sir Integra Wingates Hellsing, quite definitely female despite the long pants, the cigar, and the title, leaned back and sighed contentedly. For the once in her tenure as the leader of the Hellsing Institute, her desk was free of paperwork.
Space warped, somewhere to the left of the room. The grin appeared first, a reverse-Cheshire cat, followed by the nose, then the shades. The rest of Alucard appeared shortly thereafter -- wide-brimmed red hat, flappy red coat, and unflappable ego.
The room instantly felt a lot less peaceful.
"Out of trouble, you say? Don't they commit most trouble when they're indoors?" Alucard commented, examining his handgun -- the 13mm 454 Casull [4]. His attitude radiated boredom.
[4] For those less versed in handgun lore, it's a
big pistol. Phallic symbols, anyone?Integra didn't bother to grace that comment with a reply, opting to take another deep drag on the cigar.
"On the otherhand, I hear that there's an interesting bunch heading in," Alucard continued. "One human. The other three..." he smiled. There was enough fang in it to make a vampire proud. And indeed, Alucard, who widely regarded himself as the only true vampire, was extremely proud of those fangs.
"Really?" Integra replied.
"And they have an interesting pet with them. It seems to be a dragon that can transform into a jeep," Alucard mused. "Never seen the like before."
"How far away are they?"
"Oh, just about two kilometers out. They're on foot."
"Do you judge them to be of any threat?"
Alucard returned the handgun to his coat. "What, the great Lady Integra asking for my advice?"
"Idiot," Integra muttered, adjusting her glasses. "You're the one who spotted them, so make your report clear, damn you! What kind of agent are you?"
"The one who isn't supposed to think," Alucard returned, with a sly grin.
"Reporting what your eyes saw doesn't require thinking."
"Oh very well. They could be vampires, considering that they don't feel human. One of them has red eyes. However, if they're vampires, then they're the oddest ones I've ever encountered."
Integra frowned. "Keep an eye on them. See if they're any trouble."
"Wasn't the rain was supposed to keep them indoors and out of trouble?"
"Well, obviously, they're out in the rain, so they're hardly indoors at the moment, right? Just go, Alucard, and stop being a smartass."
"As my master commands." Alucard tipped his hat and vanished in a swirl of red. The grin was the last to leave the room.
***
To be continued
***
Add that to the massive pile of unfinished fanfics... the job of a fanfic author is never ending.
sf -- January 7, 2003 ; 10:25pm.