A Closed Door

With Christmas over I wasn't sure what I had to look forward to anymore.

I distantly heard the knock on the front door, but I didn't think of it. It was probably a neighbour dropping off late holiday cookies or Gabe. Neither were of great interest to me.

I'd managed to cheer myself up for the holidays and I had actually had a wonderful day, but now the post-holiday depression seemed to be creeping in. After New Years I'd be back at school and I had a lot of faces to see with uncertain expressions on them. Still I was trying to see the positives. Sitting around for days wasn't going to help me for very long. I needed a routine. I'd always been someone who needed organisation and that had been slipping greatly from my fingers recently. Maybe now that I'd had some time off to get my thoughts together and clear my mind and heart I'd be better off.

"Sweeite! You have a guest!" my mom shouted and then I heard her in quieter voice say something to someone else. Then someone was coming up the stairs.

The figure that appeared in the doorway to my room stopped me mid breath. I'd been tucked up on my bed reading a book before, trying to keep my brain off of real life. It was so much better to immerse myself into fiction every now and again. I mean I wasn't Liz, reading in every spare moment I had, but being friends with her had exposed me to the hobby and I found it quite pleasant. Although art was more up my ally.

The moment my eyes met his though the book was forgotten and I placed on the top of my comforter.

"Austen." I whispered.

He hadn't stepped though the doorway yet. His hands were stuffed into the pockets of his jeans and his shoulders were slumped forwards slightly as though he was hoping to curl in on himself. It was clear this wasn't the confident Austen I knew so well. Or rather, thought I knew.

He offered a small, hesitant smile when I made no further move, "Hi Cammie."

At the sight of him all my emotions came flooding back and I knew the water works were on their way.

"How could you let it go on for so long? All those weeks, dates, kisses. Did you not see how much I... how much I cared for you?" the words flowed out of me faster than I could comprehend them.

His smile dropped and he slumped even more if that was possible. Clearly he wasn't expecting me to jump into thing sos quickly. and neither was I was, but to be sure this was the best way to get things started. He took a few hesitant steps into my room. It was so different from the last time he was here and everything was okay.

"It got away from me." He answer pathetically, "I liked you. I thought you were pretty and endearing and I wanted to get to know you. Is that so wrong of me?"

I got up off the bed so I could get closer to him.

"You know that's not what this is about Austen. You hurt me. You manipulated my feelings with no care for the pain it would cause me. I thought... I thought we had something special." I challenged, trying to keep him on track and not let myself get conned by avoiding the subject.

"Do you really think so little of me?" he asked, and there seemed to be genuine hurt in his voice, but I couldn't trust it. He let out a dejected, downtrodden sigh, "I'm sorry, Mer. I shouldn't have used you as a way to get back at Liana. It was wrong of me. But you're wrong if you think that is all it was."

I shook my head and turned to look out the window, "I don't know what I'm supposed to think."

"When I first began to suspect Liana of cheating on me with Donny I tried to turn a blind eye. Convince myself it wasn't true and deny myself a proper reaction. Liana's and I's relationship was always so different from other peoples. It was strange and I'm not sure how I would describe it. In some ways were weren't really even dating, which made me feel like I had no right to be angry even if she was seeing someone else. Of course, in the eyes of other people I was hers and she was mine so...

"It didn't help that Mathews is such an asshole. She pranced around with him behind my back and it was humiliating. When I started talking to you, it wasn't because I had some scheme or plan it was because..." he paused, "well anyway I realized how much she hated it. Us talking I mean and I realized I could get back at her just by talking to a girl I already liked."

I tried to take in everything he said, I wanted to make sense of as much as I could, "You said, at the party, that everything we did. Every touch and kiss was to get back at her."

He winced as he was confronted with his own callus words.

"I didn't mean it. I was trying to get a reaction out of her. She makes me so- so angry. It was partly sarcastic too. I mean, come on Cammie. Do you really think that I would kiss you without an audience for Liana's sake?" he reached out, his hand brushed against my cheek so my gaze was centered on him.

I turned to look up at his face. It was a face I'd looked at with longing for years. It was a face I had thought would never be mine and it was the face I had loved. Thought I had loved.

It was so hard to think that such a face could belong to someone who had hurt me so badly. I wanted to believe him. I wished none of this had happened. But it had happened and I couldn't change that.

"Anytime I kissed you it was because I wanted to kiss you. I opened up to you about my family because I felt safe. I felt like I had found someone who cared and would listen and I don't know many people like that. I did it because I like you. I like you Mer and it took me too long to realize that what we had was more important than getting revenge."

"Well," I started thickly, "that's good to hear at least. But I don't know what you want from me Austen."

"I- I don't want you to think bad of me."

"I can't promise I think well of you." I whispered as my eyes burned with salty tears.

"Please Mer. Give me a second chance."

My heart squeezed at that. It was like a flinch. And I knew I could never take him back. Whatever we had had together had crumbled. If I was being honest if started crumbling long before the Snow Ball.

"I can't." When he opened his mouth to protest I cut him off, "Not because of the reason you think. Yes what you did was cruel, but I think, maybe things were failing before that." I swallowed hard.

This was the part I dreaded most, facing my own flaws head on, "But, I wasn't entirely honest with you either. I didn't love you Austen. I thought I did at one point, but when I said those words to you while dancing I was desperate. I was scared of my own feelings and losing what we had. I- I just. It was wrong of me and I'm sorry."

He took a step back from me, his golden eyes swimming with confusion, but he didn't say anything. I continued, "I was wrapped up in you and the crush I'd had for years I felt like it was wrong of me to feel that way for anyone else."

"There's someone else?" The hurt on his face awful and know I was the one who put it there. I hated it. I hated myself and I couldn't help but think that there must have been some way to avoid this moment with him.

"There is. Zach."

"Fuck Mer." he snapped and spun away from me, "I knew I didn't like that jerk."

"Austen! Come on, Zach never did anything to you. It was, it was me. Nothing ever happened happened between us. He told me he liked me, but I rejected it."

"He wanted what was mine. I could tell from the moment I saw him. The way he looked at you, listened to you, smiled at you. He saw what I saw, You. That was enough for me not to like him. Now you're telling me he made a move on you while we were together? What a dick."

Austen's description of Zach made my heart race. Was Zach's feelings for me that obvious? The thought of it made my heart flutter.

"No, no it wasn't like that. He, he didn't know we were dating when it happened. But Austen. I have to be honest with you. I'm telling you all this because you deserve to know. We both wronged each other."

My words hung in the air around us.

"Does he make you laugh like I did?"

I swallowed the pain that was seeping through my pours as his eyes looked at me with hurt that was burned into his pupils. I prepared to answer him. Truthfully. I straightened my back and squared my shoulders.

"H-He doesn't make me cry like you did."

"Cammie-"

"I'll never forget how you broke my heart." I whispered and he went quiet. We were both drowning in our own guilt and the pain the other person had caused, "But I don't want you to ever forget, that I realized how to fix it."

"You're really moving on that quickly?" he stepped back, "Huh, maybe we didn't have something special after all."

"Issac isn't the one who's fixing me." I sighed through my softly flowing tears, "I'm doing it myself. And I might start off shaky, but I'll get the hang of it. I have a thicker skin now. I can thank you for that at least."

Walking through the park, the cold chill of winter biting through my thick coat I spotted someone sitting on the bench. There were a few children playing on the jungle gym, but I figured most were still nestled in their homes playing with the toys Santa had brought them.

I headed towards familiar figure. They didn't look up as I took a seat beside them and shared in the silence for a moment.

"What are you doing here?" I asked eventually, not sure what would bring a person out of their house today.

"My little siblings, my brother and sister, wanted to get out of the house and play."

At first I was surprised for a moment. I didn't know he had siblings. Then after thinking about it, I realized didn't know much about him at all.

"I talked to Austen." I whispered looking out at the frozen pond in front of us.

He was silent for a long time and I almost thought he didn't hear me.

"What did he say?"

"That he was sorry. That he didn't mean to hurt me and even if he'd started it in part to do with getting back at Liana he fell for me along the way." Saying it out loud myself, it sounded dumb. I expected John to snort, to say something snarky as his history with me would elude to.

"Do you believe him?"

I shrugged. After talking to Austen I knew I felt better. I think we'd both said what we needed to, though not parted with what we wanted. I'd concluded that he would have a piece of me, if not forever then for a while and I was okay with that. He was the first boy who swept me off my feet, even if I wasn't sure how pure his motives may have been.

I guess I would never truly know what went through his head.

"I'm not sure it makes a difference if I do or not. I've decided to though. If I don't I'll just be hurt and angry for a lot longer."

"I suppose you're right. Did he, did he say anything else? About anyone else?"

"He asked me to try again, if thats what you're getting at. Wanted me to give him a second chance."

At this John's head snapped in my direction. His cool, grey eyes sharp as ever, "What did you say? You couldn't possible fall for that Montgomery."

There he was, the miserable jerk face. It made me smile this time though.

"No. I could never trust him again, besides I think I have feelings for someone else. When I told him that I don't think he wanted to get back together anyway."

"I see." He said, seeming both relieved and disappointed by my answer, "Well at least you're standing on your own two feet now. Maybe you're not as stupid as I thought."

"Hey," I scolded lightly, not being able to stop the corner of my lip from twitching up, "when did I ever give you the impression of being stupid?"

He smirked, "When you dated Austen. Idiot."

We both chuckled a little bit at that. I never thought I would laugh with John. About anything, let alone my own misfortune. It was almost like... almost like we were bonding.

"There is one thing that doesn't quiet make sense to me. Why me? Why did he pick me to make her jealous? What made him notice me? That night, I heard Liana mention something about why Austen first started talking to me. I can't remember it exactly. When I asked him he said I just stood out to him, that I seemed different from the other girls at school, but I could tell he wasn't telling the truth. Or at least not all of it."

"Sounds like he took the words out of someone else's mouth if you ask me." John snorted, a trace of bitterness between his teeth.

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing."

"You wouldn't happen to know anything would you? You are his best friend after all. Did he ever mention me? Before everything happened I mean."

He paused for a moment, "No."

Huh. That was odd. It didn't make any sense.

"Are you sure? I've wracked my brain trying to think of some explanation, but I just can't think of anything."

"Maybe it's not that deep."

"You give all this great relationship advice meanwhile you haven't dated anyone since like the sixth grade." I said sarcastically and he shrugged.

"I'm not really a relationship guy." He replied.

That was true though. John Harper was a pretty hard player, King of one-night-stands. Despite all Austen's faults he wasn't like that and it was something I liked about him. To be honest it didn't shock me that John wasn't into relationships. Everyone at school knew his father was in jail and neither he nor his mother ever spoke to him. I didn't dare ask what his dad had done to end up behind bars, if it was anything good or even remotely okay to talk about he would have done so.

I didn't know he had a little sister though. It was weird to think of the callus Jerk Boy I knew have a little sister he coddled or even a little brother.

Within this little moment, here in the park, I'd realized how little I knew about John Harper.

Then again, why would he talk about anything personal with me?

"So you're going to be alone your whole life?" I asked with a teasing smile.

His face remained straight and he was silent and my smile faltered for a moment.

"Basically." He said eventually with another shrug, but his grey eyes were on mine and I almost shivered at the intensity of his gaze.

Brightening my smile I replied, "That won't do, Harper. There has to be one exception out there. Someone to break that razor sharp, crusty surface you have."

Silence.

"Maybe one." He said, his voice deep and serious. His eye never shifting away from mine.

I laughed, "I'll have to find her for you. I'm going to make it my mission to fix you, Jerk Boy."

He smirked.

"So, you think I'm broken then?" he asked and my smile dropped and a blush crept up my face. I usually never blushed around John. Usually I cried.

Maybe not anymore though. This talk felt like the start of something different between us. Even before Austen and I broke up I had felt like he hadn't been as cruel as he used to be.

"No- I... I uh- I didn't mean—" suddenly he laughed

"Relax, Montgomery. I'm just messing with you. Go ahead and look for your exception." He made quotation marks with his fingers around the last word.

I smiled confidently, "I will, but it's not my exception, it's yours." I said and he nodded.

"If there's only one you'll have to look extra hard." He reminded me.

I swatted his words away with my hand like a nat, "It'll be a good challenge. I'm going to make it my New Year's Resolution."

"You'll never figure it out." He said crossing his arms over his chest and lifting his chin slightly higher.

I raised an eyebrow.

"What, so you already know the answer?" I asked and he shrugged.

"I might." And I grinned.

"Then ask her out!"

"I can't."

"What? Why?"

"Because."

"I'll have to find her and ask her out for you then."

"You'll never figure it out." He repeated.

"And what makes you say that?"

"Because you're dumb. Didn't we cover this?"

My mouth dropped open.

"E-excuse me?"

"You wouldn't even be able to find yourself in a mirror."

I laughed. Deciding to go along with it. Somewhere off to the side I was aware that his teasing didn't hurt my feelings like it used to.

"Good thing I won't have to look in the mirror for this one, eh?" I asked, arching an eyebrow. John was silent again. His posture still stiff and his arms still crossed and his chin still high.

He seemed to be debating his response.

"If you can't look in the mirror, Cam. You certainly won't be able to do this."

I decided I was going to prove him wrong. I was gonna find some girl that would conquer John Harper's heart and then maybe he wouldn't be so miserable anymore.

A lot had come from today that I hadn't expected. But in an odd way, it had made me more ready to get back to school than I ever had before. I had one more thing to decide before then. With one door firmly closed behind me I could look towards something else. I had one more thing to decide before then. But I was pretty sure I knew the answer already.

A/N- Okay so this chapter was SUPER hard to write. I felt like there was so much importance lying in Cammie and Austen's conversation and even though it's not perfect right it's been long enough since I updated so please accept this first draft version of it. I hope to improve it in the future. On the other hand, John and Cammie's conversation flowed much better haha

Only one more chapter and than the Epilogue! (plus a bonus chapter in a different character's POV) OMG I can't believe it!

This has been a crazy experience for me. I started this story when I was 15 and I never would have thought I would end up here!

I couldn't have done that without you guys:

NICOLE AKA THE ANIMELOVER- Zach is definitely gonna be around soon! I hope you enjoyed this chapter :)

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