Chapter 6: Right in the Nat

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Kevin is looking across the classroom when his friend Nat comes in and sits down next to him. "Hey, Kevin, what's up?"

"Oh, nothing much, dude," Kevin replied.

"Oh, there's something going on," Nat said. "I mean, you were, like, looking across the room. The only person over there is Double D and his two weird friends."

"Dude, like I said, nothing," the redhead snapped.

"Oh, that's totally not nothing!" the greenette exclaimed.

"Greenette? Is that even a word," the author asked.

"You like Double D, don't you?" Nat asked.

"Uh, not really," Kevin answered, slightly annoyed.

Just then, a boy with long, brown hair walked in. "Oh hey, Rave!"

"Oh my god, Mr. Cobb almost didn't accept me for the lead part in the school play!" Rave complained.

"Oh, don't worry, Rave! You'll get the part of Juliette!" Nat exclaimed.

"Oh, thanks Nat!" Rave replied.

The author sat there with his mouth wide open.

"So, I think Kevin's got a crush on Double D!" Nat exclaimed.

"Oh my gosh! Are you for real?" Rave asked.

"Dude, I'm right here," Kevin said, deadpan.

The next night, Kevin made his way to a restaurant. He hoped that whoever sent him this stupid invite was worth the time. And that they were a cute girl… or at least Edd.

Then he made his way inside and found Edd sitting at a table along with Nat, who waved at him.

"So, this is the dork you decided to put me on a date with, huh?" Kevin asked, acting slightly annoyed, hiding the fact that he was secretly hoping for this.

"Like, oh my god, this is Double D," Nat told him.

"Hello, Kevin, I'm quite elated to see that you're my date tonight," Edd told the redhead.

"You know, I was secretly hoping that you'd be my date tonight too," Kevin said too.

Then Rave showed up. "Oh my gosh! It's a double date!"

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The author sat there twitching after reading the latest abomination from the fangirl. "Okay…"

"Oh, come on! Isn't Nat Goldberg like the greatest OC ever!" the girl asked. "Come on, you've got to admit it!"

"I'm pretty sure most of my OCs are better, the one exception being the Marty Stu I had in my very first fanfic on this site that has long since been deleted," the author commented. "Then again, at least Nat's not as perverted as he usually is."

"Oh, come on, he's pansexual. He can't help it!" the girl said with a smile.

"Uh, dude, I'm pretty sure most people who identify as gay, bi or pan can keep in their pants," the author replied. "Heck, I'm pretty sure most of them are offended by that stereotype."

"Come on, why are you criticising Nat? You used him in one of your fics, for crying out loud," the girl remarked.

"Yeah, and the fic in question, Spring Break, is intended to be a deconstruction of the character showing what would happen if he was in a world where Kevin and Edd were either straight or not remotely interested in each other," the author explained. "Plus, if I would have completed it, he would have burned all his bridges due to trying to hook all the guys up with each other and the epilogue would have ended up with him having a number of STDs thanks to his extreme promiscuity."

The girl's eyes widened. "Wow, you really don't like that OC, do you?"

"No, he's a perverted Marty Stu," the author remarked before laughing. "Oh man, that's just ridiculous."

"Wait, how's he a Marty Stu?" the girl asked, confused.

"Well, let's look at his character sheet, shall we?" The author said, pulling the sheet up on Deviantart. "Let's see: Nathan Kedd Goldberg? What's with the middle name?"

"Umm…" the girl said. "You know, I never heard that name before either."

"Yeah, looking it up on Google, I found out that it's apparently Hungarian for Tuesday, apparently," the author remarked. "And, just below it, you'll see the link to the Deviantart page for this character. Go figure. A strange, unusual name is generally the sign of a Mary Sue or Marty Stu. Ever hear of Ebony?"

"Oh come on! That doesn't mean he's a Marty Stu!"

The author looked around. "Maybe not, but let's see what comes next: King of Butts? Pansexual?"

"Hey, they exist!" the girl exclaimed.

"The King of Butts part or the Pansexual part?" the author asked with a chuckle. "Okay, pansexuals exist, but they're really rare and some feel that it's basically a type of bisexuality. So, how'd Nat decide he was pan instead of bi, anyway?"

"Uh, I don't know," the fangirl said with a shrug.

"Yeah, looking back I've only ever met one transgendered person in my life, so they're not all that common, or at least not as common as cismen and ciswomen. I can see someone coming across a man they're attracted to and then come across a woman they're also attracted to and deciding they're bisexual, but the likelihood of coming across a transgendered person is pretty darn low."

"How could you have only met one transgendered person in your entire life?" the fangirl asked, surprised. "Wow, you must not get out a lot!"

"Eh, I've met hundreds of people in my life, some of whom are quite interesting. For instance, there was that guy I know whose father was a Russian Jew and his mother was Lebanese. His wife was born in Italy and raised in Canada. Then there was that Spanish-speaking Chinese-American guy whose wife's from Ecuador. I've met quite a few people in my life of varying backgrounds and I've probably seen a few transexuals or transgendered out there, but you can't always tell from a distance."

"So, who was this transgendered person you met?" the fangirl asked.

"Well, he trained me at work. He was a pretty nice guy, I guess. I think he quit there a year or two after I started working. Trained me in the Shoe Department." The author shuddered at the memory of being stuck in that department. "Trust me, you don't want to work in that department. If your boss puts you in that department, run. If your boss tells you after five years of working in that department that you need to master it in order to start working in Home, run out of there as quickly as possible and turn in your letter of resignation immediately. It's not worth the torture!"

"Shoes! I love shoes! It can't be that bad," the girl said cheerfully.

The author was curled up in a fetal position in the corner. "Run! Don't put me back there, Rachel! I've already mastered it! Andy is a good boy!"

"Well, you're out of there, now, at least, right?" the girl asked and the author was magically sitting next to her again.

"Anyway, onto the pansexual part, thinking of the point where Nat realized he was into people of all genders and gender identities is a large part of putting together that character. To be honest, I've never seen any fic where they touched on that. At least none that I know of."

"So, what now?" the girl asked.

"Let's see… Number #1 (sic) Booty-Grabber? So, he's promiscuous?"

"So, what of it?"

"That's not necessarily the healthiest of lifestyles. I certainly hope he's using protection," the author remarked. "Not that I'm trying to say people can't do that. It's up to them to decide, but they should probably think of the risks in such a venture, especially between the STDs and unwanted pregnancies, and the STDs with unwanted pregnancies. Not a good combination."

"Hey, I'm sure he's using protection," the girl remarked. "Maybe…"

"Of course, there's the question of what would happen if he's in the heat of the moment and he realized he forgot a condom. I certainly hope he'd have the self-control to stop. Plus, remember what I said earlier about the stereotype of everyone gay, bi or pan being promiscuous nutjobs who can't keep in their pants being offensive to said orientations?"

"You got a point there," the girl remarked.

"And remember what I said about him being a Marty Stu? That's strike two for Marty Stu traits, his extreme promiscuity without consequences."

"Anything else?"

"'Life of the party, football jock, cares deeply about his hair'… I'd hate to see what he thinks of helmet hair in that situation."

"Those aren't Marty Stu traits!" the girl complained.

"Oh, but the next part is!" the author exclaimed with a grin, laughing maniacally as he read the next area. "'Rich boy from the bay. Parents found their fortune from the sea. Nat buys a normal house in Peach Creek (reason is unknown).' The blatant wish fulfillment and vague backstory are pretty ridiculous to the point of breaking the suspension of disbelief right from below us."

"What's wrong with wish fulfillment?" the girl asked.

"Okay, I'll admit, there's nothing inherently wrong with wish fulfillment. All fanfic is wish-fulfillment to a certain extent. I mean, who doesn't want another season of Firefly?" the author replied. "Heck, even this fanfic has some wish-fulfillment in it, though it's mostly realistic enough not to break suspension of disbelief."

"Yeah, as if tearing apart bad KevEdd slash was realistic," the girl remarked.

"No, there are other things. Look closely around you," the author told her. All the sudden, the room she was in changed. There were numerous boxes behind the chair she was in, which was different as well. There was also a queen-sized bed and the door was in a different place. That wasn't mention the boxes underneath a window or the bookshelf right next to the door. Plus, the computer the two of them were on was a cheap HP Pavilion laptop instead of a custom-built gaming rig.

"What the…?" the girl started to say.

"See what I mean? I don't live in a city. Instead I live in a crappy town called Grand Junction with my parents. I'm also unemployed after quitting my job of eight years at a department store just before Black Friday instead of having an awesome job that pays my bills. I'm slowing running out of money too. Oh, and the roommate doesn't exist."

The girl was really confused. "How come you couldn't conjure up a cuter roommate?"

"Hey, you should meet my friend Tim sometime. He's got a wife that's way hotter than he is, well, depending on the eye of the beholder, of course."

"Wait, he's fat?" the girl asked, grossed out.

"I think he prefers the term fluffy, but maybe. Actually, he did refer to himself as a really healthy fat guy once." The author laughed. "Anyway, back on track: 'Pretends to be middle class to keep moochers out of the way…' How old is this guy, anyway? 'Not ashamed that he's rich but people are annoying. Has 4 butt-lers (sic iterum)...' Yep, definitely obsessed with butts. Anyway: 'Super Ninja Oldy Buttlers (sic por la tercera vez).' Okay… 'Interests: Job Hunting?' Yada yada… Oh, here's his one weakness: 'Has arachnophobia...'"

"Hey, it's a legitimate fear!" the girl countered.

"Maybe so, but if that's his only weakness according to his creator, that's a serious sign of a Marty Stu. For crying out loud, I hardly ever see any spiders, especially during the wintertime. The number of instances where that one weakness will show up are slim to none! It's practically an informed attribute."

"A what?" the girl asked.

"A trait someone has, supposedly, but that never comes up. Man, this guy's just as bad as that Edna chick whose only weakness was a fear of clowns. Funny that she got a ton of slack for that but Nat's let off scot free. Kind of shows the the public acceptance of Marty Stus over Mary Sues."

"Yeah? I guess so."

"You know, I think the only reason Marty Stus are more accepted is because they show up a lot less," the author deduced. "Heck, I remember hearing people complain that Rey from the new Star Wars movie was a Mary Sue. Unfortunately, there was a bigger Marty Stu in one of the other movies."

"Yeah? Who do you think that was?" the girl asked.

"Anakin Skywalker from Star Wars Episode I. Okay, here's this ten-year-old who's kind of annoying. Unfortunately, despite being a slave he's a complete mechanical genius who builds a protocol droid from spare parts and It turns out he's the chosen one who's more powerful than Yoda and by the end of the movie he ends up blowing the current Death Star knockoff of the movie himself. Gah! That makes me like the essay rewriting the movie so much better for having him on Coruscant during that whole ordeal. It made a heck of a lot more sense as well."

"Okay, you've got a point there," the fangirl admitted. "Anything else?"

"Well, the little segment ends with Nat worshiping a butt…" The author shuddered several times from that. "Excuse me as a bleach that little image out of my brain."

"Wow, okay, you've got a point that he's a massive Marty Stu. So, how should I create a character?"

"Well, first off: background. Avoid blatant wish fulfillment. Make sure he has his own goals, hopes, fears, worries, likes and dislikes and make sure he has more than a couple of weakness, just don't go overboard. A good OC is all abount balancing out all of these characteristics into a cohesive whole, a character that helps the story along, develops the other characters or adds to the plot. Heck, he could even drive the plot if he's a villain. In other words: make a person, not a character."

The girl nodded. "Too bad Nat belongs to Acid."

"And another thing, don't let your characters crowd out other characters, especially the canon ones. Heck, where are Nazz and Rolf at?"

"Oh, you want to know where Nazz is at, huh?" the girl asked, grinning widely. "Since you don't like yaoi, you might like this!"

The author was very afraid. "Okay, I guess I'll have to see." Somehow he knew exactly what was coming: a pairing that was even crackier and had even less basis in canon than KevEdd.

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A/N: Yeah, I worked at Kohl's for eight years. Yes, I still live with my parents. I'm working at escaping! I've only been looking for a job since I graduated from college, that's all. There just aren't any jobs for entry-level web developers in this town of 50,000.

Yeah, as you can tell, I don't like Nat. I also apologize for all the times I've failed to take my own advice. Oh, and sorry for my shameless plug of another fic of mine.

Another addendum: There are some promiscuous characters that are done right. For instance, Captain Kirk and Jack Harkness. However, there's a lot more to them than their promiscuity (although Harkness still falls into the unfortunate implications of an incredibly promiscuous bi person). Kirk has an awesome ship, a cool best friend who acts as a counter and he's not spending every minute of every day drooling over women. Then there's Jack Harkness who's just awesome sometimes, though he still has his flaws and his promiscuity did affect him negatively on occasion. Nat doesn't seem to have much to his character other than his promiscuity.