Part Five

Ianto wandered the interior of the TARDIS with no idea of where he might find Jack. The Doctor had said the ship would guide him where he needed to go, but Ianto wasn't sure whether he was being facetious or not. If they were back home in their own time, Ianto would have looked for Jack on a roof, or perhaps the gun range; other times he retreated to his bunker. Ianto was fairly certain the ship did not have a gun range, and he had no idea if Jack had his own room, so he wandered. It gave him a chance to organize his thoughts, to try and process what had happened at the Senedd building.

He had witnessed his own death, and it had been terrifying yet strangely enlightening. Some small part of him couldn't help but feel relieved that even though his other self hadn't joined Torchwood, he had still shown the courage and wherewithal to fight back against the aliens threatening the Senedd. In a warped way, Ianto was proud of his other self. And though watching the other man die in Jack's arms had been extremely upsetting, at the same time it had also been…comforting. It was as if no matter what life he lived, it was meant to happen that way. With Jack.

But then he thought about all the other things that had happened because this other version of him had not joined Torchwood. Gwen's murder before she even had a chance to join the team, Tosh's death in the countryside, Owen's pain and misery over losing so much. And Jack—broken, grieving, lost. More than anything, Ianto had a hard time believing that he had made such a difference in Jack's life. Yes, he had tried to be there for Jack, tried so hard to be someone Jack could trust and confide in and look to for support, but there were others who could do that as well. Only in Ianto's alternate reality, Jack had no one; he had lost everyone else, all, however indirectly and unintentionally, because of Ianto.

Though it perhaps confirmed his role in Jack's life, it did little to confirm his place in Jack's heart. But maybe that wasn't the point. The Doctor had said Ianto made a difference in many lives, especially Jack's. Could he really give that up now? Was everything else so bad that he would abandon Jack, his team, and his duty for the possibility of that normal life he'd glimpsed? Did he crave the ordinary so much after all the extraordinary things he had seen and done? Did he really need love and commitment when it would only bring pain and heartbreak again?

Deep down he knew the answers to his questions, though it was hard to reconcile them the more he thought about things. No, he did not want to abandon Jack and the others after all that he had seen and experienced, but there were times when he longed for a normal life more than anything. Yet he suspected he would grow tired of the ordinary existence of a non-Torchwood agent, however much he wanted love and happiness to be a part of it. It was as if it was one trade-off after another, and he felt vaguely resentful that he couldn't have it all.

The biggest problem was that he knew his feelings could change at a moment's notice given how depressed he'd been for the last several weeks. He'd walked away from the Senedd convinced he knew what to do, and already he was questioning his resolve. It wasn't something he was going to come out of without time and effort, and it certainly wasn't going to happen overnight after a trip to some alternate reality with a man he resented more than admired. Today he might want one thing; in a week he might want something else. He needed to find the solution that would best accommodate his moods as he worked through everything that was troubling him. Because in the end, he did not want to die, not yet. That much he knew.

Ianto almost gave up trying to find Jack and considered going back to the Doctor, but to his surprise, he finally found Jack in a small kitchenette, sitting at a table for two with a cup of tea cradled in his hands and a second one sitting on the table opposite him.

"May I?" Ianto asked, motioning at the chair, and Jack nodded. He sipped at his tea and then slid the second cup closer to Ianto.

"For you," he said. "Thought you might need it after seeing something like that."

Ianto raised an eyebrow as he picked up the mug. It was his favorite blend, prepared exactly as he liked it. "How'd you know it would be me sitting here and not the Doctor?"

Jack rolled his eyes. "He's even worse at talking about things like this than we are." He took a deep breath and nodded, as if working up the nerve to keep going. "And I can only imagine you need it after ...well, that."

Ianto smiled into his mug as he sipped the warm liquid. "It was a bit surreal," he replied. Jack cocked an eyebrow at him.

"Surreal? Ianto, it was awful. You seem quite calm about it, more than…"

He trailed off, and Ianto finished for him. "More than you?"

"More than I expected," Jack corrected him. "You just watched yourself die a gruesome death at the hands of alien invaders. Most men would be sobbing into their cups by now."

"Oh, do we have anything stronger I can sob into?" Ianto asked. "A good scotch, perhaps? Or a double bourbon?"

"Ianto…"

"Jack," Ianto said, setting down his mug. "It's not as bad as you think. Yes, it was upsetting and yes, I still feel very close to the edge…but strangely enough, not as close as I was an hour or two ago."

"Why?"

Ianto shrugged, because it didn't make much sense to him either. "Seeing that helped me step back a bit, I suppose."

"How's that possible?" Jack asked, his voice laced with clear doubt.

"I know I should probably be running as fast as I can the other way, as far from Torchwood as I can," Ianto began. He waited for Jack's response, which was unexpectedly dejected.

"I'd understand," he murmured. "You asked me before, and I told you I'd do anything for you. I meant it. If you want to leave Torchwood, you can leave with your memories intact and everything. I trust you." He met Ianto's gaze with blue eyes bright with sorrow.

"The thing is, I'm not sure if leaving Torchwood is the right answer," Ianto said quietly. He was thinking out loud now, trying to put into words the things he felt, but it didn't make complete sense to him and it was going to be even more difficult to articulate. Jack took a sip of tea and motioned for him to continue, so he tried.

"I meant what I said earlier too. I'm tired, Jack. I miss my family, I'm addicted to fucking pain pills, and there is nothing about Torchwood that isn't an emotional roller coaster."

"Even—" Jack started, and Ianto cut him off.

"Yes, even that," Ianto said, staring down into his mug. "Even us."

"I'm sorry," Jack whispered.

"It's not your fault, not really," Ianto replied with a shrug. "It's who we are. Sometimes I wonder if we're entirely compatible, when you really think about it."

Jack was gazing at him thoughtfully. Finally he shook his head. "No, we're more alike than you think, but sometimes the circumstances make it difficult." He paused and let his head fall. "I make it difficult."

Ianto couldn't help but snort. "I hardly think you're the only difficult one. I'm well aware of my own shortcomings, especially when my sister likes to keep pointing them out."

"Well, she's wrong," Jack said, leaning forward. "You're amazing. So talk to me. You said Torchwood is an emotional roller coaster. How so, other than the obvious?"

Ianto bit his tongue, then forced himself to relax his jaw, to let the words out. What harm would it do now? Honesty was perhaps all he had left.

"It's exhausting, for one," he began. "Don't you ever get tired of it all? The running, the chasing, the killing, and the dying?"

"I do," said Jack, nodding. "And then I think about what we're doing and why, and I think about my team, and I keep going."

"Your team." Ianto ran a hand through his hair. "The team is falling apart again, Jack. Owen's still dead, Tosh is still pining after him, Gwen is…" He trailed off, not wanting to come across as a jealous lover and treading carefully. "Gwen is still difficult. And I want so badly to fix it all, because that's my job, to take care of the team, but I can't. I'm a train wreck waiting to happen myself."

Jack was staring at the table between them. "I didn't think it was that bad," he whispered, sounding anguished.

"It's not," Ianto replied with a bitter huff. "Not really. It's probably pretty normal for us. We're Torchwood, of course we were bound to end up with a zombie on the team. Unrequited zombie romances and overzealous coworkers just makes it more interesting."

His attempt at levity was met with a rebuke from Jack. "You're deflecting."

"I know," said Ianto. "And I'm sorry. Mostly, I think it's…well, it's me. I'm the problem. Which is why leaving might not make a difference. I'll just take my problems with me."

"You're not a problem," Jack said earnestly. "You're seeing things from a dark place right now, that's all. I've been there. I know it's hard."

Ianto nodded over the lump in his throat.

"What about me?" Jack asked. "I wasn't in that list. What about us?"

"What do you want me to say?" asked Ianto wearily. "That we're sunshine and rainbows?"

"The truth would be a start," Jack replied. "I know this…us…is something that's bothering you, you already said so. And I want to work it out. Tell me."

"It's hard being with you, you know," Ianto started softly. He saw Jack nod out of the corner of his eye, as if agreeing, but also saw the slight slump of his shoulders. "And it's not because of who you are." He took Jack's hand in his own and squeezed. "Please believe me. You are an amazing man. I know you don't believe it, but you are the best man I've ever known, and I am so immensely grateful for having met and known you."

Jack swallowed thickly and nodded, avoiding Ianto's eyes. Ianto sat back again. "But you're also so much more experienced, in every way possible. You're from another time, another place, where you grew up with completely different ideas about life…about relationships. I know you see things differently when it comes to us backwards 21st century folk, and I try so hard to accept that, to accept some of the things that bother me as a product of my own time and upbringing, but sometimes I wish we had the same morals, same beliefs about things. The same goals, same dreams. Only we don't, because we're from such different worlds, and sometimes that's hard."

He was talking around the real issues, things he thought he had accepted about being with Jack in whatever way he was with Jack, but he couldn't bring himself to be any clearer for fear of losing that elusive, undefined something. He wondered if Jack understood, and suspected he did, but that Jack would probably talk around it as well.

Jack crossed his hands over his chest, studying Ianto with a frown. "I don't believe we're really that different," he said. "I think, deep down, most people want the same things from life, no matter what planet they're from, no matter what century they live in. Love, happiness, purpose, acceptance. It's how we prioritize and pursue those things that separates us, and in one way, we are exactly alike."

"You mean Torchwood," Ianto replied, trying not to sound bitter, because he wasn't, not really. "We're both Torchwood. We've got that in common, at least."

"In some ways, yes. Let me ask you this." He leaned forward. "You seem to think I want something different than you, but do you even know what you want—what you really, truly want from your life? You said before it was more about what you didn't want. So what do you want?" Just as Ianto had remained vague, so did Jack.

Ianto was silent for a long time, trying to pull together his thoughts. He still didn't know what he wanted, or maybe he was afraid to think it yet alone say it, but maybe Jack's words were a starting point. "I suppose it's like you said. Acceptance. Purpose. Happiness."

"Do you see that happening with Torchwood?" Jack asked, the unsaid "With me?" hanging in the air between them.

"I will reluctantly admit," Ianto began with a small smile, "that Torchwood has accepted me. It may be the only place that has accepted me, and will ever accept me, after all I've seen and done. And it's given me purpose as well. Meaning, after a rather directionless life and a devastating loss. I think that's what I saw more than anything in my…untimely death back there."

"You saw meaning?" Jack asked skeptically, and Ianto nodded.

"Yes. I saw a man who had never joined Torchwood but who still fought to do the right thing, to help people. Who sacrificed himself for others and died a noble death trying to protect the planet." He smiled sheepishly. "That's sort of how I always envisioned it ending up, and to see it happening without my even joining Torchwood is almost a…relief. It's like I was meant to do this, to try and save people."

"I think you were," Jack murmured. "Because you do a hell of a job at it every week."

"Yes, well, I've also made my fair share of mistakes. People have died because of me."

"So Torchwood is your penance?" Jack asked sharply.

"Isn't it yours?" Ianto tossed back.

"Touché," Jack said. "Not so different in that either, then." He motioned at Ianto's mug. "Refill?"

"No thanks," said Ianto. "It was good, but it was enough."

"All right," Jack replied. "Acceptance and purpose. But you're not happy," Jack said, and Ianto shrugged.

"Not with the way things are, but I deep down I know they won't always be like this. Some of them, at least. Some I can change, others maybe not. There will always be Weevils and Rift alerts, after all. But…" He trailed off, tracing the condensation from the mug on the table with his fingers. But what? It was the things he knew he couldn't change that pulled him down.

"Could you be happy at Torchwood?" asked Jack. "If some of those other things change?"

"I don't know!" Ianto exclaimed. "Happiness is relative, isn't it? I'm happy enough every time we save the planet, but also thrilled with a free night to relax. I'm happy when I wake up next to you in the morning, when Owen remembers to file something correctly, when the cat on the quay rubs against my leg outside the tourist office and purrs. But then there are days like today."

"So what drove you out there today?" Jack asked.

"I already told you," Ianto sighed wearily. "Everything. Lying to my sister about working on Christmas only to end up alone. Stealing pills from Owen because my script ran out and the thought of not having any more terrifies me. Thinking about the next time I get injured, the next time you disappear, the next time someone dies but doesn't come back." He let his head fall into his hands and scrubbed at his hair in frustration. "What am I supposed to do about all that? How am I supposed to find happiness in the middle of such chaos?"

When he glanced up, he was surprised to see Jack kneeling in front of him, hands on his knees. The look in Jack's eyes almost made Ianto want to look away. "Let me help," Jack said softly.

"There's nothing you can do," Ianto replied. "It's my problem to deal with."

"Hey," said Jack, titling his chin. "Why is it your problem to deal with and yours alone? We're a team, we take care of one another."

Ianto shook his head sharply. "If you tell the others any of this," he started, and Jack stopped him.

"I meant us," he said. "Me and you. We take care of one another. Or at least, you've taken care of me so many times, I want to do the same for you."

Ianto's eyes slipped closed. "Please don't make promises you can't keep," he said. He felt rather than saw Jack's indignation.

"First of all, I haven't made any promises. Mostly because I don't need to, but if that's what you need, then I promise to be there, to listen, to help, to do whatever I can to make this better." He ran a hand across Ianto's cheek. "Let me try to make you happy."

Ianto placed his own on top of Jack's. "I know you can," he said, then dropped his hand. "That's part of the problem." Jack did make him happy, but there was so much holding them back, too much keeping them apart. Jack had just made a promise of sorts, but was it the one Ianto wanted? Was it one Jack could keep?

Once again Jack surprised him with his response. Instead of the dejection or anger Ianto had seen earlier, this time Jack reacted with determination. "It's not the problem, Ianto. It's the solution. We're the solution." He took a deep breath and locked eyes with Ianto. "You never said anything about love, you know. Acceptance and purpose and happiness, but not love."

"Because I don't want to go there," Ianto replied. "It's not an option, not right now."

"You mean for us?" Jack asked. "Of course it is."

"You don't mean that," Ianto snapped. "Don't say it when you don't mean it."

"Don't tell me what to say!" Jack snapped back. "I'm a grown man, and I will say and do what I want, when I want, with whom I want. You may not believe this, but you make me happy, and I want to make you happy too. For as long as we have together."

Ianto stared at him, unable to believe Jack's words. "Stop," he whispered. "Just stop. I thought I knew what to do when I came in here, but now I'm even more confused."

Jack sat back on his heels and blew out a long breath. "You really were going to leave, weren't you?"

Ianto jumped up and started pacing. "Honestly? No." He stopped and placed his hands on a nearby counter, staring at the wall before him. "When I saw myself out there, I knew what my life was supposed to be." He turned to face Jack, who had stood and was watching warily. "Saving the world and dying in your arms. I can't imagine anything else, nor anything more worth the pain and suffering of Torchwood. If I quit, I could very well end up jumping in front of a bullet to save some random stranger from a mugging and dying alone, but if I stayed, it could with you."

Jack toed the ground before glancing up. "That's sort of morbid, you know."

"It's Torchwood, I'm allowed morbid thoughts," Ianto replied with no real spite. "But now…how could I stay, how could I do that to…I know how I…but I didn't think you…" He blew out a breath in frustration, unable to finish a sentence. "You're actually making this harder!"

"How could you stay, knowing that I care?" Jack finished for him. "Because I do. I care so much I would do anything for you, even let you go. And I would be devastated." His voice cracked at the end, and he took a deep breath before continuing. "But I don't want you to end up jumping in front of a bullet and dying alone. I want to be with you, protect you as much as I can. So please stay." His last words came out as a whispered croak. "With me." Ianto glanced away, his resolve cracking once more.

"But—"

"No," said Jack, striding forward and standing close. "Leaving Torchwood now won't solve everything, you said it yourself. You're having problems with your family, so we'll talk to them and work it out. You take as much time as you need to grieve for your mother, and if I have to tell your sister to back off giving you a hard time about it, I will."

Ianto laughed through his nose. "Not sure I want to be there for that," he said. Jack grinned, then grew serious once again. He seemed to have found a determined confidence in his words that Ianto envied.

"We can talk to Owen, discreetly, about the pills. There are alternatives, and I can help you. I've been through it more times than you want to know."

Jack moved closer and took Ianto's hands, running his thumbs along Ianto's palms. "You can stand down from field duty a bit, take on more coordinating at the Hub. It would give you a chance to work through the other stuff and heal your shoulder without being reinjured a third time."

"No," said Ianto. "Not with Owen down. You know he can't go into the field as much now."

"And he can't be stay inside all the time either," Jack pointed out. "You could split things. He can take the easy retrievals—space junk and the like—and you can take the big bad aliens. Carefully, of course."

"Lucky me," Ianto murmured under his breath. Jack rolled his eyes and closed the distance between them.

"I understand that you're upset about Owen, and I can imagine some of the things you're not saying about Gwen, and I know you're worried about losing Tosh, but…I can only assure you that one of those things will never, ever be a problem, and the other two we can work through to keep an eye on them. Together."

"You drive a hard bargain, you know," Ianto said. Jack nodded.

"I'm trying. Because this is important. You're important. You think we're so different, but we're not. I want the same things you want, but in many ways, I'm just too big a coward to go for it."

"Oh, that sounds familiar," Ianto replied. "Something else we have in common."

"Then maybe we should stop being cowards together," said Jack. "What do you say?"

Before Ianto could answer, the Doctor burst into the kitchen, halfway through a sentence before he realized he'd interrupted. "Oh," he said, stopping in his tracks. "I'm sorry. You're having a moment."

"Not really," said Ianto, stepping away. "We were having a talk, but I think we're ready to go back now." He glanced at Jack, who raised an eyebrow.

"Are we?" he asked softly, and Ianto nodded.

"Yes, I'm ready. Or I will be. Can I have a few days, maybe?" he asked, and Jack grinned.

"Absolutely. As long as you don't mind me taking some time off with you?" he asked.

"I'd like that," Ianto replied. "I should see my sister tomorrow. I'll talk to her." He held up a hand as Jack started to speak. "And if need be, I'll sic you on her next. And I should probably talk to Owen as well."

"He should be at the Hub if you want to see him tonight," Jack said, and Ianto cocked his head in surprise. "He was feeling pretty down, and the rest of you had left, so we were going to try that alien board game that came through the Rift and marathon the worst Christmas movies we could find."

"Sounds fun," Ianto murmured with a smile. "Mind if I join you?"

"I should warn you there's no Christmas dinner," said Jack. "I was going to heat up the leftovers from lunch and eat them as slowly as I could in front of Owen."

"As long as I get Tosh's curry, it's all good," said Ianto. He sighed. "Jack…"

Jack put his hands on Ianto's shoulders before embracing him. "It's going to be all right, Ianto. Really." He pulled back and looked into Ianto's eyes. "Just promise me one thing."

"Only one?" asked Ianto.

"It's a hard one," Jack replied. "Promise me you'll talk to me next time you feel like this. Next time you're standing at the water thinking about it…next time you need a pill…okay?"

"I'll try," said Ianto, and he would. He would start by talking to Owen, as difficult as that would be. Even harder would be talking to his sister, but he would try. And rather than contemplate leaving again or even ending it all, he'd reach out next time he needed support. He had at least one person who had promised to help, and as much as Ianto hated accepting it, perhaps having Jack to lean on would get him through. Jack had got him through Lisa's death, after all.

"Well, now that's sorted, where are we heading?" asked the Doctor, bursting into their moment once more. "Any particular planet you fancy seeing? Or perhaps a certain time? There are still a few decades I haven't hit around here."

"Back to when we came from," said Jack with a grin. "And not too late, please."

The Doctor waved his hand as he left the kitchen. "I told you last time I couldn't get you back any sooner, Jack. Paradoxes make steering difficult."

Jack laughed as they followed the Doctor toward the control room of the TARDIS, where he fiddled with various knobs and levers, darted around and pushed some buttons, then stood up straight and pierced them with a look. "Are you sure, then? You're both welcome to stay a bit. "

"I'm sure," said Ianto, even though he wasn't. The thought of seeing another planet, as opposed to returning to the grey half-life he'd been leading, was suddenly quite appealing.

Jack seemed to sense Ianto's uncertainty in spite of his words, and reached out to squeeze Ianto's hands. "Yes, we're sure. We've got things to do and people to see there."

The Doctor flipped one last large lever, the ship lurched, and with a grin, he nodded. "Then here you are—Cardiff, and still Christmas." He pulled his glasses from his head and squinted at a nearby screen. "And it looks like you've got some folks waiting for you."

Ianto glanced over the Doctor's shoulder and exchanged a look with Jack. "It's the rest of the team."

Jack shrugged. "Owen must have called them. Come on, let's go convince them we're staying." He started for the door before he turned and hurried back to the Doctor. Enveloping him in a strong embrace, he pressed a kiss to his cheek. "Thank you," he said softly, though Ianto heard him clearly. "Thank you for helping him."

The Doctor stepped back, looking slightly awkward at the exchange. "Just remind me later on or it won't happen."

Jack looked mildly surprised, then shook his head. "Time travel. Gotta love it." He turned to Ianto. "Ready?"

Ianto stepped forward and held out his hand to the Doctor. "Thank you," he said. "I know I was a bit of a tosser when you first showed up, but thank you for showing me the possibilities."

"I hope it helped," the Doctor replied very seriously.

"What did Jack tell you when he reminded you about it?" asked Ianto, and the Doctor narrowed his eyes.

"You know I can't tell you the future, Mr. Jones," he said, but the edges of a smile were pulling at his lips. "Spoilers."

"It was worth a try," Ianto replied. "It did help, though. And now I can say that I've traveled with the Doctor."

"You're welcome to again," said the Doctor, eyeing him and then Jack. "Both of you. Something tells me the pair of you could be very interesting tumbling about in space and time."

"More of a disaster, I suspect," Ianto said dryly, before Jack could take him up on the offer. "And I need to work through some things before I think about taking on time travel."

The Doctor placed a hand on his shoulder. "Then good luck, Mr. Jones. I hope we meet again."

Ianto cocked his head. "You don't know?"

"I wouldn't tell you if I did!" the Doctor laughed. At the door, Jack actually groaned and rolled his eyes.

"I don't think I could stand more than a day with you two. Doctor, thanks again, see you around the future. Ianto, let's go reassure our cold friends."

Jack opened the door and stepped out without looking back. Ianto followed, finding himself surprisingly reluctant. It wasn't that he wanted to stay with the Doctor, or even that he rather liked the idea of exploring the vast reaches of space with Jack. Leaving the ship meant stepping back into reality, into a messy life full of grief and resentment and pain. Yes, Jack had promised to help, but Ianto had so many issues to work through that he was suddenly overwhelmed and didn't want to go.

Maybe that was the answer, then. Not go back to Torchwood, but not leave it, exactly. Take up the Doctor's offer and disappear for a while, travel until his head was on straight. Turning to look back at the Doctor, he gazed around the interior of the TARDIS and realized for the first time how much bigger it was on the inside. It appeared to be a simple police box, but once you stepped through the doorway, it was so much more. So much potential.

Sort of like his life, maybe. So much potential, which he'd never realize if he didn't step back into it, the good and the bad.

With one last nod at the Time Lord, Ianto followed Jack through the door, where he was immediately enveloped in a crushing embrace by Gwen. Tosh was tangled with Jack while Owen stood to the side looking both annoyed and relieved. Gwen and Tosh exchanged places, both of them still exclaiming over their disappearance and reappearance and where did they go and what happened and is everything okay? Ianto was rather stunned at the reception, but Jack laughed as he put an arm around Tosh and Gwen and pulled them both against him tight, reassuring them that he and Ianto were fine and back to stay.

"Welcome back, tea boy," said Owen quietly by his side. "Have fun gallivanting across the universe?"

Ianto turned toward the doctor. "Not exactly, no. Sort of a rough trip. What time is it?"

"It's Christmas morning," Gwen answered, stepping away from Jack. "Owen called us about eight hours ago and we've been waiting ever since."

"You've been up all night?" Ianto asked with a frown. "Why aren't you home celebrating?"

"It's still a bit early to celebrate," laughed Gwen. "And we were worried. Owen said you disappeared, and then Jack. We weren't sure…" She trailed off, looking sheepish.

"We weren't sure you'd be back any time soon," Owen finished for her. "But they insisted on coming in."

"We're so glad you're back," Tosh said quietly, appearing next to Ianto and linking her arm with hers. "Was it amazing? Did you see other planets, other times?"

Ianto exchanged a look with Jack, who silently inclined his head, indicating Ianto could answer as he pleased. Taking a deep breath, Ianto knew he couldn't tell them everything, but if he was going to start pulling his life back together, he didn't want to start it with more secrets and lies.

"Actually, we never left Cardiff," Ianto said, and the others looked surprised. "No, it's true. He took us to a sort of alternate reality, actually. Not quite amazing, but definitely eye-opening."

"Another reality?" asked Tosh. "Like, another dimension?"

"I don't know," Ianto replied with a shrug. "Not sure if it was even real. Remember the movie 'It's a Wonderful Life'?"

Owen rolled his eyes, but Tosh nodded in understanding. Gwen, of course, kept prodding. "So you saw another version of your life?"

"Something like that," Ianto murmured. "Like, I said—it was eye-opening. And that was it. Couldn't have been more than a few hours for us, and now we're back."

"I don't understand," said Gwen. "Why did you see an alternate version of your life? What's wrong with—"

"Leave it Gwen," Jack said wearily, his hand resting lightly on Ianto's lower back. "It was something we both needed to see, and now we're back. So you can all call it a night and get back to your regularly scheduled holiday."

The three of them glanced at one another, and each looked disappointed in their own way. Ianto wondered why in the world they would prefer to be outside in the cold winter instead of warm in their beds, waiting for Christmas morning.

"Really," he said. "Go home. We're fine."

"Yes, only…" started Tosh, then looked at Gwen and Owen for support.

"Only we're all up and we're all here, so why don't we start the day together?" Gwen asked. She glanced at her watch. "It's half five, we could get coffee and something to eat somewhere."

"It's Christmas morning, Gwen," said Owen. "Nothing is open. Nothing decent, anyway."

"Right," she said, looking disappointed. Tosh opened her mouth to speak, but shut it before she said anything. So Gwen tried again. "Then we'll go back to mine. I'm sure we can come up with something to eat at the flat, and Rhys won't mind starting Christmas a bit early."

Owen snorted while Jack shook his head. "You sure about that?" he asked, sounding skeptical. Gwen nodded enthusiastically.

"Yes, and if he doesn't like it, tough. We've just spent the last eight hours worrying about you two. We can all curl up by the tree and drink coffee and you can tell us all about it!" She grinned, looking excited even so early in the morning, not even considering that Jack and Ianto might not want to tell the team all about their trip.

"I should go home," Tosh said. "I have to, er…"

"I'm not sure how much we can tell you," Jack started.

"And I don't want to know," said Owen. "Nor do I want to see Rhys's naked arse walking around your flat."

They started arguing, all four of them talking at once. And to Ianto's surprise, as he watched them—Owen and Tosh protesting in spite of their loneliness, Gwen pushing the line just as she always did, and Jack sticking up for him, trying to protect him—Ianto was struck by a sense of belonging. These people were, in some ways, just as broken as he was, and yet they were his family. They had waited hours for he and Jack to return and appeared genuinely relieved that everything was all right. They cared for him, and Ianto cared for them. And while a part of him wanted nothing more to go back to his own flat and curl up in bed for twelve hours, there was another part that remembered their lives in the alternate reality the Doctor had shown him.

All dead.

But here and now, they were alive, and Ianto didn't want to lose them. He found himself watching Jack, as he tried to tell Gwen that they needed sleep. Gwen managed to convince Tosh, who bullied Owen into coming, but Jack held firm, insisting that he was taking Ianto home. That they'd had a rather difficult time and needed to be alone. That they had plans for later, that—

"Let's go," Ianto blurted out, surprised at the words but enjoying the looks of disbelief from Jack and Owen, the happiness from Tosh, the joy from Gwen. Yes, they were his family, bumps and bruises and all. "I'll even make the coffee. We won't stay long, since I'm sure Rhys won't appreciate being woken up so early, but I think it's a good idea. Thanks, Gwen."

She grinned and linked his arm through his as they started back toward the Hub. "That's settled then. I'll call Rhys and let him know."

"Tell him to put on pants!" Owen called from behind them.

Ianto chuckled. They headed into the tourist office and started downstairs, although Jack held him back, a look of concern on his face.

"Are you sure about this?" he asked quietly. "We don't have to go. Gwen can take no for an answer."

Ianto rolled his eyes. "Of course she can't, not without pushing back or throwing a fit. And although I'd prefer to avoid both, I do want to go. I know it seems strange, given what just happened."

"Yes," Jack said, drawing it out into a question. Ianto shrugged.

"But they were dead in that other world because of me. Here, they're like my family. And I don't want to lose them." He barely got the last out before having to clear his throat. Jack pulled him into an embrace.

"You're amazing, you know that, right?" he whispered into Ianto's ear.

"Or I'm a masochist looking for punishment on Christmas morning," Ianto replied. "I really don't want to stay long, of course."

"I'm still shocked you want to go at all," Jack said. "We can leave whenever you're ready."

"And we can't tell them what we saw, Jack," he said, meeting Jack's eyes. "They were all dead. I don't think they'd appreciate that sort of vision, nor understand."

"Of course," Jack murmured. "And they don't need to know why we went there either."

Ianto nodded, then hesitated on his next thought. Jack raised an eyebrow as if reading his mind, and when Ianto still didn't speak, Jack did.

"What is it? You have that look on your face when you have a question you don't want to ask."

Ianto chuckled. "It's not that, not really. It's more that I'm trying to figure out the answer myself, but I suspect I'm too tired to think properly."

"So ask," said Jack, stepping back a little to give Ianto his space. Ianto took a breath.

"What did you mean when you said it was something we both needed to see? It was my alternate timeline, after all." He watched as Jack's face registered first surprise, then closed down as he glanced at the floor. Which meant Ianto had struck too close to home, asked something Jack was not willing to answer. He nodded and was about to tell Jack it was all right, he was used to it after all, but taking a deep breath, Jack glanced up, his eyes bright and honest, and Ianto realized he really was going to get an answer.

"Yes, it was your alternate timeline, but I learned something about myself too. I saw myself bitter and broken, beat down by loss. And because of it, I couldn't do my job, couldn't protect people the way I should. It was not definitely not as comforting as what you took away from it."

"Jack," Ianto started, unsure what to say, but fortunately, Jack held up a hand.

"It did, however, remind me of a few things, things I know but sometimes forget, or put aside on purpose because it's easier to forget. I can't push people away, because even though I will always lose them, I am nothing when I am alone. And more than that, it reminded me how much I need you." He swallowed thickly and took Ianto's hand. "I'm not that man because of you. And not because you saved Gwen or Tosh, but because you saved me. When I thought I'd lost you after Lisa, you survived. When I lost Estelle, and Suzie, and John and Owen and so many others, you helped me survive. When I came back from my trip with the Doctor, you not only gave me another chance, but helped me pull myself together." He pulled Ianto close and rested their foreheads together.

"I'm a better man because of you. So seeing that other reality reminded me that I'm not alone, that I need you, that I—"

Ianto put a finger to Jack's lips. "Don't."

Jack narrowed his eyes, grinned, then licked Ianto's finger, ruining the serious moment, though he also kept them from tumbling headlong into uncharted territory, and they'd already skirted the edges enough for one night.

"Ew," said Ianto, shaking his hand out with exaggerated disgust. Jack laughed, and Ianto joined him, and they stepped apart. But apparently Jack wasn't finished.

"I mean it, though," he said softly. "I need you, and I want you."

Ianto nodded and kissed him softly. "And I need you. Thank you, Jack. For coming, for listening, for being there for me."

"We'll get through this together," Jack replied, taking Ianto's hand and pulling him toward the tunnel that lead to the lift. "Starting with Christmas breakfast at Gwen's." He groaned, and Ianto grinned, bumping him in the shoulder.

"I'll make it up to you later. How about Christmas dinner at mine?" he asked. Jack glanced at him in surprise.

"I thought you were going to your sister's?" he asked. Ianto nodded.

"I will, but I'd like to spend more time with you," he said. He tried to sound nonchalant and probably failed, so he went for dry sarcasm instead. "If it doesn't cut into your board games with Owen too much."

"I'd like that," Jack replied. "Just you and me and maybe some wine in front of the fireplace…"

Ianto stopped him before they stepped into the lift. He kissed him, long and hard with as much passion and feeling as he felt. Jack's arms wrapped around him and pulled him close and it was several minutes before they broke apart.

"Oh, I am really looking forward to later," Jack murmured.

"Me too," Ianto murmured back.

"Happy Christmas, Ianto."

"Happy Christmas, Jack."

Jack took his hand once more. As he stepped back into the Hub, into his real life, Ianto finally believed that this was indeed where he was meant to be, with the people he was meant to be with. It was hard, and it hurt, and sometimes he could barely go on, but he would, because he could do anything with Jack by his side.

And somewhere, somewhen, a Time Lord smiled to himself as the universe continued on exactly as it was meant to be.

For now.

Author's Note:

The end!

I do apologize for how long it took me to wrap this up, but it turned out quite a bit longer than I anticipated. And my writing mojo has been sadly lacking recently. So we'll call this a day and move on to the next unfinished story, and maybe see if some new ideas will bring some inspiration. Thank you for reading!