A/N: So after the Winter Finale I figured the Swen Nation could use a few laughs. Those of us that remember the Friends Chandler/Monica arc should recognize this.
Warnings: Crack Fic. Complete and utter crack. So much crack that the former Mayor of Toronto would be so, so happy. Humor and Fluff. Mild Language. Implied Sexual Content
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, universes or situations. They belong to Disney, ABC etc, etc. I claim no rights to copyrighted material and this story is purely for entertainment purposes.

"Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce [them] to would be my family."
― Chelsea Handler

The Time When Lily Finds Out

It seemed like a good idea at the time. Rooming with your best friend. It should have been epic. But really there is just no way to keep things secrets. And Emma Swan - well - she had a big, big secret. It has been a year since Hook decided to stay dead. And this secret, it's new. And she doesn't want to wreck it. So she doesn't tell the one person that probably won't judge her for it.

Still, she thinks Lily's starting to realize something is up, because she's been asking questions, wondering why Emma does her laundry at least twice a week, why she's pulling long hours at the Station when she's got plenty of deputies, or why once a moment she heads down to Boston for the weekend.

Emma comes through the door, tosses her keys on the counter and finds Lily drinking coffee this knowing look in her eyes.

"Hey," Lily rolls out. "So the hotel called…"

Emma freezes. "Yeah?"

"They said you left your eyelash curler in the hotel room."

Her face blanches. "Um… er… uh… Well… that's… it's… That's mine."

Lily frowns, staring at her quizzically. "Oh, I thought you hooked up with some lady."

"Uh… oh, yeah," Emma says quickly. "Because that makes more sense. Yes, a lady. A lady that I didn't know previously. It's hers. We met, hooked up, and she left her eyelash curler in my room." She clears her throat. "Hey, so my folks and your mom are heading over to Regina's for dinner, you wanna tag along?"

Lily shrugs. "Yeah, I could eat. And Regina can cook. Seriously, I might ask her to marry me for that reason alone."

Emma ushers them outside, muttering to herself, "And wouldn't that be nice?"

Later that night, after dinner the adults are in Regina's study enjoying a few bottles of wine. Belle, Ruby, David, Mary Margaret, Maleficent, Lily, Emma, and Regina are drinking together bonding over spirits and funny stories about the Savior, her not-so-heroic deeds. After a few moments, and few glasses, Regina looks in her purse, searching for something that she can't seem to find.

"Mal," she calls for Lily's mother. "Can I borrow your eyelash curler? I've misplaced mine."

"Of course, dear," Mal replies.

Emma's eyes are wide. She hopes that Lily hasn't overheard it. But by her shocked expression, she knows. Holy crapsticks she knows.

"Hey, Lily can I talk to you and Regina for a moment?" Emma asks, practically dragging Lily out of the study.

Perplexed Regina follows but when Emma is holding her hand over Lily's mouth, muffling the strange sounds coming from her best friend, while searching for any signs of Neal, or Henry, Regina thinks she knows what's going on.

"Yes…" Emma whispers after she calms Lily down.

Regina's chewing her bottom lip hoping that their secret remains that way.

Lily pointing between them both. "You?" she asks Emma. "And her? You and her?"

"Yes," Regina replies. "But you cannot tell a soul. No one knows."

Lily can't believe it. "How?" she demands. "When?"

"It happened in the Underworld," Emma confesses.

"THE UNDERWORLD?!"

"Well, you just keep it down," Emma insists, continuing on in a lower voice. "The reason we didn't tell anyone is because we didn't want to make it a big deal."

"But this is huge!" Lily exclaims. "I've got to tell somebody."

"Lillith, I swear on everything that is holy and unholy if you tell anyone, including your mother, I will curse you," Regina hisses. "Do you understand me?"

"We just don't want to deal with telling everyone," Emma adds, playing good cop to Regina's not-so-good cop. "Please, Lily. Just promise you won't tell anyone, okay?"

Lily looks like she's about to burst. But then she deflates and nods, swearing that she won't tell anyone.

The Time When Snow Finds Out

Date night. Mary Margaret loves Date Night. Other than lazy Sundays with her baby boy and grandson, Date Night is her favorite night of the week. Emma has promised to watch her baby brother and David is heading downstairs, throwing a "Call the theater for movie times."

"You got it," she replies, picking up the phone. Before she can dial any numbers she hears her daughter on the phone upstairs.

"I'll sneak over after my parents come back to the loft to pick up Neal," she hears Emma say. "I'll just tell them that I'm doing laundry when they come back."

"Laundry? Is that my codename, Sheriff?" The sound of that voice is like ice water down her back. But what her daughter says next makes her stomach knot up.

"You know what your codename is, Madam Mayor," Emma tells her, her voice husky, her tone flirtatious. "My Q-"

Snow hangs up because he can be scared any more than she already is. Emma and Regina? Emma and Regina?! How? How did this happen? When did this happen? Why? What the hell is going on?

She couldn't tell Charming. Lily, Maybe? She'll talk to Lily tomorrow.

The morning after next she manages to slip away on her lunch break. It's Emma's day off and she is just going to "hang out" and "help the Mayor with some paperwork."

Snow's hoping that "paperwork" is not happening at the loft and she's grateful when Lily answers the door.

"Hey, Emma's Mom…"

"Hi, Lily," Mary Margaret says quickly walking inside.

"Yeah, sure come on in."

"I need to talk to you about something but you have to promise not to tell anyone," she insists.

"What? No… No more secrets," Lily replies, slamming the door. "I'm tired of secrets. I've had it with secrets."

"Lily," Snow interrupts her. "Do you know?"

Lily frowns at him. "Depends. Do you know?"

Mary Margaret nods. "I think so."

"So you know and I know…"

"Yes, this is insane."

"Yup, so crazy."

The pair falls silent for a moment. Each other dealing with this revelation. Then Snow breaks the tension with a simple question.

"So to be clear, we are talking about Emma and Regina-"

Lily finishes the thought. "-doing it on the regular? Yeah. That's what we're talking about."

Mary Margaret makes a face. "Lily, that's my daughter."

The Dragon Spawn nods. "I know, and my mom's ex girlfriend. So yeah. I'm with you."

The Time When Ruby Finds Out

"I just love this apartment," David breathes. "And hey it's right across the street from the loft so it's not like we'll be too far away from Emma."

Ruby is standing next to Snow. They are both nodding, trying to put on polite smiles, despite knowing that this moment is the most co-dependant thing in the history of co-dependant things.

"I never knew how spacious this place from the outside," David continues.

"That's because your attention was always drawn to the ugly naked man," Ruby offers.

Snow's face reddens. "Don't talk about Leroy like that."

"Fine," Ruby promises. "But if you guys don't move into this apartment, I will."

"Ruby…" David chuckles.

But the Wolf Girl is serious. Living in the Inn is all well and good, but she's not getting any younger and she could use her own space. When David figures out she's not kidding he rushes downstairs to fill out an application.

Mary Margaret's laughing as he disappears and then turns to Ruby. "Well, here's something that I'd never say: I'm gonna go check out Leroy's bedroom."

When she leaves, Ruby looks around the apartment. She stares out the window, shaking her head. She can see right into the loft from here. She wonders if David understands the concept of personal boundaries or that his daughter is one of the most guarded people in this realm. She's not a "sharer." She's like Regina that way. Speaking of which…

Ruby notices that Regina's in the loft. Probably to yell at Emma about not filling out reports. Or whatever weakass excuse the Mayor gives to flirt with the Sheriff. They're both idiots, in Ruby's opinion. She's already lost so much money to Belle and her Granny in several bets about the Evil Queen and the Savior. And perhaps she's a little annoyed that these two haven't had so, so much magical lesbian sex.

"Emma and Regina… here we go again…"

They're doing that thing where they are inches away from their faces, their eyes dipping down to study the other's full lips. Ruby rolls her eyes and thinks, Just kiss already. Her mouth drops out when they do just that, attacking each other in a completely different way than Ruby expected. Emma's making fast work of the Mayor's blouse and holy shit!

"Ahh! Ahh! Emma and Regina!" she exclaims. "Emma and Regina!"

Mary Margaret rushes to her side and yells, "Oh my god!"

Ruby can't do anything but gasp and point. "Emma and Regina!" She closes her eyes as the clothes start to come off. "OH! OH MY EYES! MY EYES!"

And Snow just keeps saying, "Oh my god." Then she grabs her best friend by the shoulders and tells her everything is okay.

Ruby isn't convinced. "No! They're doing it!"

"I know," Mary Margaret says.

Ruby doesn't believe that either. "You know?!"

She nods. "Yes, I know. And Lily knows. But Charming doesn't know. So you have to stop screaming!"

"Why are you two being so loud?" David is back and confused.

Ruby is still reeling so it's Snow that comes up with a lie. "We're just excited about our new apartment."

She rushes over to her husband and spins him away from the window so he doesn't get an eyeful of what's going on across the street. When David tries to look back, Ruby bounces over to the couple and squeals in excitement, masking her utter shock at what she's just seen.

"Yes, totally exciting," Ruby says. "Very exciting things are happening."

The Time When RedSnow plots & Lily Wants the Madness to End

Ruby calls a meeting at Granny's before school starts. Lily claims she's only here for the free coffee but it's clear she wants this to all end. Snow and Red have a different plan.

"So all this time…" Ruby begins trying to work things out, aloud. "When they said they were working late at the Mayor's office doing paperwork? Going to Regina's to do laundry? Or those long weekends in Boston? Or all that time that Emma spends on the phone with Sad Larry from the Group Home?"

Lily grumbles as she brings the mug to her lips. "Doing it. Doing it. Doing it. Phone: doing it… Sad Larry's actually very happy. Cocaine has that effect on people… So I've heard…"

"I can't believe it! I mean, I think that's great," Ruby says. "For Emma… Regina might actually be able to do better."

Snow shifts uncomfortably for a moment. "I don't actually want to know the details of… - well, any of it. It's bad enough we saw them through the window."

"Actually, we saw them up against the window," Ruby adds. When Mary Margaret frowns, she rolls her eyes. "Okay fine, so they know that you know, Lily but they don't know that Snow knows?"

Lily nods. "Yes, but come on. Enough of us know. We could just tell them. No more lying and no more secrets."

Ruby nods with a mischievous glint in her eyes. "Or we could not tell them and have a little fun of our own."

"No!" Lily says. "We should just tell them. No more secrets."

Snow looks between the two other women and turns to Ruby to ask the obvious question. "How would we have a little fun?"

"Well, when Emma says she's gonna do "laundry" at Regina's house, we'll just give her a bunch of laundry to do. And when she's about to go out on her monthly out of town "vacations," everyone will just say they're too busy to watch Henry," Ruby suggests.

Mary Margaret grins. "Oh… I would enjoy that."

"You know what else would be fun, Emma's Mom?" Lily asks. "Telling them."

Ruby cocks her head to the side. "That… doesn't sound like fun."

"Well we could make it fun," Lily replies. "We could burst into song like Glee style. 'We know… We know… We know!'"

Mary Margaret just looks at her for a moment. "Yeah… I wanna do Ruby's thing."

Lily groans. But Ruby just rolls over her protest. "You don't have to do anything. You just can't tell them that we know."

"No," the Dragon Spawn says. "I hate secrets. I've got your secrets. I've got their secrets. Hey, I've got secrets of my own."

"You don't have any secrets," Ruby playfully sneers.

Lily scoffs. "Oh yeah? Well you don't know about Puff, my sleepy time stuffed dragon."

At her admission Ruby and Mary Margaret blink their bemusement at Lily and she looks away. Snow finally shakes her head, clearing her throat and again asks the the obvious question. "So, how are we going to mess with them?"

"Well, you could use your position as the parent. And I'll use the greatest weapon in my arsenal at my disposal: my sexuality. I'll come on to Emma until she comes clean or Regina has a stroke; whichever comes first."

"Or Regina snaps and murders you," Lily says.

Mary Margaret frowns. "I dunno know about you hitting on my daughter, Ruby."

"Oh, please it's not going to be real," the Big Bad Wolf assures Snow. "Besides, Emma will be too thrown off to actually do something. It's not like it's going to go anywhere. It's Emma. She'll probably blurt it out and then we won't have to have any more secrets. Everyone wins."

"Or we could skip all of that and tell them," Lily replies.

Emma's mother thinks about it. "Yeah… no… that's a good a idea… But Ruby's plan is better. Let's do that."

Just as she says it, Emma comes in for her cup of hot chocolate and a bearclaw, greeting them with a clipper disposition (probably because she got laid last night). Ruby flashes an evil grin before she gets up.

"Good luck," Mary Margaret says.

She gives her a look. "Please. Watch. Learn. And don't eat my cookie."

Emma is dressed for work with her badge clipped to her unbelievably tight pants, heavy jacket covering her upper body.

Ruby saunters over to the Savior, smile on her face as she greets Emma.

"Hey," Emma says.

"Hey, yourself," Ruby flirts.

Emma makes some lame joke and Ruby laughs a little too hard at it pushing at her, her touch lingering on her arm a little too long to be consider anything other than flirting. When Emma asks if she's okay, Ruby nods, tells her that she's fine but that she does want to talk to someone about something personal.

"I'm your friend, Rubes," Emma assures her. "You can tell me anything."

Ruby shakes her head. "I can't. You're actually the one person I can't tell this to. And maybe the one person I want to tell the most."

Emma's brow furrows in confusion. "What are you saying?"

Red shrugs. "Well, you know I've just been single for awhile now. And I don't know. It's made me evaluate some things. Maybe I've just started to notice people or friends that I didn't notice before… standing right in front of me… drinking hot chocolate and holding a bearclaw."

Emma's eyes widen in shock with her signature "Oh, Shit" look. Ruby wants to break character and start cackling right then and there but she reminds herself that she's got a job to do. And in her mind is a voice that sounds a lot like Dolph Lundgren in Rocky III, saying, I will break you, Emma Swan. So Ruby brings on the smolder, giving Emma her best 'come hither' eyes.

"Oh, no," Ruby says. "Have I said too much?" She shrugs. "Well, you know… I guess it's something to think about. I know I will. See you, around Sheriff."

She sways her hips as she walks toward the back room of the diner to retrieve her apron. She knows that Emma's eyes are on her, jaw slacked, with a dumbfounded expression.

Ruby Lucas: 1. Emma Swan: 0.

The Time When SwanQueen Finds Out that RedSnow Knows & Lily Still Wants The Madness to End

There are times when this doesn't seem real. When it seems like it's just some story out a book. A very explicit story that neither of them would allow Henry to read, but the closest thing to a modern fairy tale that either of them would get.

Through loss and heartbreak, they found each other in the most unlikely of places; the Underworld after Hook told Emma to not to negate his last good deed even for a lie, electing to stay with his first love, Milah. And Regina had just got done breaking things off with Robin, after having a conversation with her father and mother about love, fate, and destiny when she realized that she didn't love him the way she had loved Daniel. So they were both feeling raw and exposed.

Still it happened. There in the pits of the Underworld, they shared a kiss. The first of many. And thus their secret relationship began. They both agreed that secrecy and taking things slow are the most important things in their relationship for their sake and their son's. They don't want to rush into anything and have it implode like so many past relationships had. Still, there are some nights. Some nights like tonight that Regina wants to tell Emma how she feels. She doesn't though. Perhaps out of fear of rejection or fear that if she says those words she'll lose Emma somehow. So for now she tells herself that this is enough. A few nights a week

Henry is staying with a friend tonight and as far as Emma's parents are concerned she's over at Regina's doing laundry. She doesn't have to lie to her roommate about it but ever since her parents moved across the street from the loft, Charming has been a little extra intrusive. Or so Emma tells her.

"Emma," Regina says, circled within her lover's warm embrace. "I don't want to talk about your father while we're naked in my bed."

She loves the sound of Emma's laugh. Neither of them do it as often as they should. And Emma doesn't laugh as much as she used to. Regina misses her smile most days, those adorable dimples that remind her so much of the son they share. A constant reminder that Emma gave her the greatest gift of all, hope that she could become a better version of herself.

"Okay, your Majesty," Emma whispers against her lips. "What should we talk about?"

Regina's eyes darken and she smiles. "What I want to do requires little to no articulation, Sheriff." She runs her fingers through Emma's hair and takes her in. The Savior might not see it, but she is beautiful. Truly exquisite. "You are an exceptional person, Emma."

Her heart skips a beat at Emma's genuine smile before she brushes her lips against the former Evil Queen's.

"That's a popular opinion today," the Blond says as she pulls back.

Regina shots her a quizzical look. "Pardon?"

"Well, something seriously weird happened at the Granny's today," Emma replies.

"You live in a magical town full of stories book characters, dear," Regina says. "How much stranger could it get?"

"I think Ruby was hitting on me," Emma confesses. And when the Mayor laughs, she pushes on with, "I'm dead serious. Ruby thinks I'm hot stuff."

The brunette arches an eyebrow at that. "That's impossible."

Emma scoffs. "Harsh, Regina."

She rolls her eyes. "No, it's not that. You are breathtaking, Emma. But Ms. Lucas does not find you attractive in that way."

"You say the prettiest things to me, Madam Mayor," the Savior says with a roll of her eyes. "Are you sure about Ruby? Because she was on me like a drunk girl at last call. I mean it could be the killer biceps. The way I rock the hell out of my jeans. It does it for you."

"While that is true," Regina begins. "If Ms. Lucas was interested in you she would have…" The realization hit her like a ton of bricks or a semi truck going 80 with no breaks. "She knows about us."

Emma frowns. "What?"

"Yes, dear," Regina replies. "Ms. Lucas knows and she's trying to rattle us."

Her lover's grimace deepens. "Are you sure? Because I am adorable. A lot of people think -" From the look on Emma's face she's finally seeing it. "Oh. My. God… She knows."

Emma rolls away from Regina abruptly leaving her confused until she see the young woman fish her cell phone out of her discarded jeans.

"I'm calling Lily," the Savior announces before someone picks up. "Lily? I'm putting you on speaker phone." She places the cell between them as she starts with the interrogation. "Lil', Ruby knows about us."

"Well, I didn't tell them," the Daughter of the Dragon says.

"Them?" Regina asks.

"No… Uh… them as in Ruby…" Emma's best friend pauses before adding. "And Lily."

"Lillith Page," Emma chides.

Regina hears her groan before she comes clean. "And Snow White."

"My mom knows?" Emma asks. "My mom knows?!"

"I would have given you guys the heads up, but they made me swear not to say anything," Lily tells them. "But that means it's over right? You'll tell them that you know that they know, and I can go back to not knowing a damn thing. Everyone wins."

Regina's lips curl in a mischievous grin as she catches Emma's gaze, with a shadow of what the Evil Queen used to me. "Unless," she purrs.

Lily groans once more. "No, not unless. No unlessing. That's not okay. No more secrets! This madness must end."

"Oh, they think they are so clever," Regina says. "But you see they're unaware that we're aware of their subterfuge. Which means, we can have our revenge. Are you in, Sheriff?"

"Oh, I am so in," Emma replies. "And Lily, you can't say anything."

The Time When RedSnow Finds Out that SwanQueen Knows that They Know & Lily is Still Caught in the Middle.

"You have to be the cutest baby, little Neal," Ruby cooes as she holds baby Charming Baby Number Two.

He is adorable. And he looks just like David, his eyes, his little nose; all his father. But he has Mary Margaret's smile. The kind of smile that makes Ruby want to spoil him rotten.

"Both of my children are adorable," Snow says, taking her son from the lanky brunette.

Ruby's phone starts to ring; Emma's ringtone blaring. Saving Me, by Nickleback. She ignores Mary Margaret's glare and does a little hair flip before she answers it with a sultry voice.

"Hello, Sheriff."

Emma voice is low and husky. "Hello, Ruby… I've been thinking about you all day."

"I'm sorry, what?" Ruby asks, thrown off.

"Well, listen about what you said, I'd be lying if I said it didn't pique my interests," Emma tells her on the other end.

"Um…" Ruby stammers. "What?"

Emma ignores her, adding, "Hey, so Lily's gonna be out with her mom so I'll have the whole loft to myself. Maybe you can come over. We'll have some drinks. I'll order some food. And maybe you can, you know… check out my killer biceps… and see what I keep under my jeans."

Ruby is sweating bullets. What the hell is going on? "I'll have to get back to you okay, bye."

She hangs up and plops down on the couch, reeling from what just happened. Snow notices it and asks her what happened.

"I dunno…" Ruby sighs. "Emma wants me to come over tonight and…"

"And?"

She winces at the question. "She wants me to come over and… see what she keeps under her jeans."

"She what?" Snow asks, practically growling at what Emma is doing. "I can't believe she'd do that to Regina. I raised her bet-" She pulls out her phone to call someone. "Lily, you're on speaker phone. Do they know…"

Ruby can hear Lily sigh, heavily. "They know you know."

"I knew it!" Snow exclaims.

Ruby frowns. "They thought they could fuck with us… They're trying to fuck with us?" She beginning to formulate a plan. "Wait, but they don't know that we know that they know we know… Lily, sweetie you can't tell them."

"Even if I wanted to…"

They end the call and Ruby dials Emma's number.

"Okay, be sexy," Snow tells her.

And Red shoots her a look. "Please, it's me." Her tone drops an octave when Emma picks up. "Hey, so I'll see you at seven?"

"What?" She can hear Emma choking on air. "Wait… What?"

"Unless you don't want to, Sheriff?"

"No…" Emma clears her throat. "No… I'll see you at seven."

"Great, I'm really looking forward to seeing what's under those jeans, Sheriff."

The Time When RedSnow & SwanQueen Go Three Rounds

"Okay, time for Operation SwanQueen!" Mary Margaret says, clapping her hands as Ruby comes out dressed for her "date" with Emma.

Her best friend frowns. "SwanQueen?"

"It's their couple name," Snow tells her. "I think it's cute."

"Right, whatever. Hey so I need glasses and a bottle of wine," Ruby says as she puts on the final touches to her outfit. It's a long flowing skirt and velvet peasant top. She looks pretty. And if Emma doesn't cave tonight, well Snow's unsure what will make her daughter come clean about this relationship.

"Do you think they have real feelings for each other?" she asks, retrieving the items her best friend requested.

Ruby scoffs. "No. It's Emma and Regina. The two most guarded people in this world or any other. If they had feelings for each other they would have told at least you. There wouldn't be all this need for secrecy."

"Maybe they're afraid of what people might think?" Mary Margaret offers.

"Henry would be thrilled if his moms got together," Ruby replies. "How would you feel? How do you feel about this?"

"Well… um…" Snow pauses as she collects her thoughts. "I'd be happy for them."

"You would?"

"Yes, of course," she replies. "Is it strange? Maybe, a little. But my daughter and I are physically the same age and we were cursed in a world without magic for nearly three decades. You're a werewolf. And my mortal enemy is the mother to my grandson. It's not the weirdest thing to happen."

"Fair enough."

"Are you ready for this?" Regina asks, as Emma gets ready. "If you're worried, all you have to do is make her think you wish to sleep with her. Ms. Lucas will be put off by it."

Emma takes a deep breath and looks at the woman who's been her secret lover for the better part of five months, her brow furrowing with concern. "Okay, Regina, listen… How far are we going to let this go?"

The former Evil Queen smiles. "Don't doubt your abilities, Emma. She'll break long before you will."

"And you're sure about this how exactly?" the Savior asks.

"Because you're with me, Sheriff," Regina replies. "And I am always victorious."

Emma rolls her eyes. "Even at this?"

"At everything, Swan," is Regina's answer before she gives her lover a kiss for good luck. "Happy hunting, Sheriff."

Regina poofs away to the bathroom in a cloud of purple smoke, leaving Emma to collect her thoughts. This shouldn't be a big deal. It's just Ruby. And it's not like she's has any feelings for Ruby. But why does this feel like she's being disloyal to Regina even with the Former Evil Queen's blessing?

"Okay, I am going to be out here by the door the whole time," Snow tells her. They try to ignore how awkward this all is. But Ruby tells herself that they are doing this for their own good. The sooner this is out in the open the sooner Ruby can make fun of them both.

"Okay," Ruby says.

Mary Margaret nods. "Okay."

When her best friend tries to pull away, Snow stops her and undoes a button for her.

"That's a great idea," Ruby tells her with a smirk. When Snow tries to undo another button she backs away. "Hey, leave something to the imagination."

"When did this get complicated?" Mary Margaret asks.

"Right around the time Regina married your dad, murdered him, casted the Dark Curse, and you put your baby girl in a magical cardboard. Right around then," is Ruby's answer before she shooes her away.

Okay, Emma you can do this. You can totally do this. You're the Savior. You slayed a dragon. Defeated the Darkness. Came back from Hell. You can totally do this.

Emma takes a deep breath and waits for the inevitable knock at her door that signals that the game is on. Still it feels like she's going to lose. Why? Because of her feelings for Regina. The more she thinks about this the more she wants to run. And sure, Regina's in the bathroom right now to ensure that things won't go too far but she doesn't even want this to start. She loves Regina.

Wait? I what now? When did that happen?

Honestly? She can't even begin to answer that. Was it since the first time she saw her? Maybe. When Regina asked her to save their son? Maybe. When she saved her from the fire? When Regina rescued her from the Enchanted Forest? Or when they were in Neverland? Or when the second curse was coming to destroy all of Storybrooke and Regina gave up her happiness so Henry could have his best chance? Or was it when Emma became the Dark One to save her? Who knew anymore?

All she knows is this sinking feeling in her chest at even the idea of fake-flirting with Ruby has Emma thinking that she does love Regina.

But does Regina love me? Now that is the million dollar question, isn't it?

The Savior doesn't have time to ponder it because there's a soft, but playful knock on her door that hasn't be Ruby.

"Showtime, Swan," she whispers before she opens the door.

"Emma…" Ruby greets with a wolfish grin, no pun intended.

The Savior nods. "Ruby… Why don't you come in?"

"Oh, I was going to, Sheriff," she purrs. "I brought some wine. Do you want some?"

"Sure," Emma replies as Ruby pours two glasses and hands one to her.

"Nervous?" Ruby asks.

"What? No. You?" Emma fires back.

"Nope," Ruby replies. "I want this to happen."

They toast, each bringing their glass to their lips and guzzle down the wine like they are dying of thirst. Emma suggests that they put on some music and Ruby offers to dance for her. Emma turns the same shade of red as her jacket at the suggest.

Ruby stalks toward her like a wolf on the hunt (no pun intended). "When you look at me like that, Emma, I just want to rip that leather jacket right off of you."

Think, Emma… Say something, quick. "Um, well," she stammers. "If that's how you feel maybe we should take this to my bed."

That stops Ruby in her tracks. "Really?"

Emma shrugs. "Unless you don't want to."

Ruby's eyes widen. "No… No… I want to. But first, I want to get naked and have you give me a massage. You know… gets some location and rub it all over my bare skin. Would you like that, Emma?"

"Um… yes?" Emma squeaks. "Lemme… um… I'll go get the lotion."

The bathroom door shuts and Emma just leans on it for a moment to catch her breath.

"Well?" Regina asks.

"Okay, this is getting out of hand," Emma replies. "Ruby is not giving an inch here. She said she wants me to give her a massage… A very naked massage."

Regina smirks, chuckling softly. "We'll file that under 'Things we'll do once this is over,' Emma. But for now just understand that she's bluffing."

"I dunno," the Savior says. "This is getting crazy."

"Failure is not an option, Swan," Regina tells her, handing Emma a bottle of lotion. "You have to go out there and seduce her until she abandons this silly game."

"That you escalated," the blond points out. She takes the lotion anyway and takes a breath. "Wait? Did you clean my bathroom?"

"Of course I did, Emma," Regina replies. "This place was a mess. Now I can stand it without fear of contracting something. Now go before Ms. Lucas becomes suspicious."

When Emma's in the bathroom, Ruby's outside, pacing back and forth, chewing on the skin around her thumbnail.

"Your daughter has an iron will," she tells Snow. "She is not backing down. She went to get lotion."

Snow waves that sentence away. "I don't even want to know."

They freeze when they hear footsteps approach, holding their breaths until they see that it's just Lily.

She takes one look at the pair and groans. "Are you done yet? I want to sit in my comfy chair and binge-watch How to Get Away with Murder."

"If you want to help…" Ruby urges.

Lily shakes her head. "Nope. I'm not touching this."

"Look, Lily. Just think of it this way," Snow says. "The sooner Emma cracks, the sooner this is all out in the open and you don't have to keep any more secrets."

"Okay," Lily replies with a nod. "I got it. Show Emma your bra. She's afraid of bras. She can't figure them out."

With nimble fingers, the Dragon Spawn rips open Ruby's top to her amazement. "You didn't pop off a single button."

Emma's best friend winks. "Not my first time."

Snow shakes her head. "Okay, we're just going to gloss over… all this. And Ruby's going to go back inside."

"I slept with your daughter," Lily reveals.

"No," Mary Margaret says, sternly. "We are glossing."

Emma's sweating bullets when she steps out of the bathroom. Ruby's by the door and for a moment she thinks this is over.

"Are you leaving?" she asks.

Ruby shakes her head, turning around to reveal her open shirt which has exposed her bra. "Nope. I was just locking the door. Because of all the sex were about to have."

Emma glups in real fear. "Great. I look forward to it."

"You should," Ruby tells her as she closes the distance between them. "I'm really, really bendy."

"That's… just…" Emma takes a deep breath and tries to steel her resolve. "…Great… You should… um… you should come here."

"With pleasure, Sheriff," Ruby purrs. "I'm going to kiss you now, Emma."

"Not if I get kiss you first, Ruby."

With some awkward maneuvering each of them puts their hands onto the other. First Ruby's at her waist and Emma mirrors her. Then Ruby leans in and grabs Emma's ass, making the Savior's breath hitch. She tries to counter by grabbing a handful of boob, but she can't. It wouldn't be fair to Regina. So she snakes an arm around Ruby's neck.

"I guess we should kiss now," she croakes.

Ruby nods. "Yes. We should."

If the maneuvering was awkward, the kiss embarrassing, troublesome, and wrought with problems. Ruby and Emma's lips meet and just keep them there, without neither one of them pushing to go further with this. All Emma can do is think about Regina. And how she can't do this to her, even if it's just a game, even if it's not real. Because what she has with the Mayor is real. And she doesn't want to screw it up.

She loves her.

That's the thought that has her pushing away from Ruby, stumbling over her words as she declares Ruby the winner.

"I can't… I can't do this."

"And why not?" Ruby asks.

"Because I'm in love with Regina!" Emma blurts out. "That's right. I'm in love with Regina. I love her!"

The door to the loft swings open and her mother and her best friend are standing right there.

"Mom, I love Regina," she tells her.

"Oh, honey, I know. I just didn't know if you did," her mother says.

Regina comes out of the bathroom, looking at Emma like she only person in the room. They meet somewhere in the middle and the Savior takes the Mayor into her embrace and again says, "I love you, Regina."

A soft smile graces the former Evil Queen's features as she confesses, "I love you, too Emma."

"Aw, you guys…" Ruby cooes. "I thought it was just sex. I didn't know you were in love."

Tears are in her mother's eyes and Lily is giving her the thumbs up. The pair of lovers just laugh and share a tender but brief kiss.

"So that's it then," Lily says. "Everyone knows."

"Well, my dad doesn't know," Emma replies.

"And neither does Henry," Regina adds. "So we'd appreciate it if you didn't say anything to them."

Lily throws her hands in the air. "This is bullshit. I'm at least telling my mom. I'm tired of all of these secrets."

The Time When Charming Finally Finds Out

"Well, little man," Charming says as he settles in on the couch in their new apartment with his infant son. "I guess it's just you and me. And Thursday Night Football."

As he flips on the TV something across the street catches his attention. He sees his wife and his best friend, sitting at the kitchen island pouring glasses of wine with Lily, Emma, and to his amazement, Regina. The girls are laughing, having a good time and then he sees Regina place a hand on the same of his daughter's back. It strikes him as odd because he can't think of a time they've even touched, well save for the times they have both tried to kill the other one. But this caress is tender, loving even and he can't look away.

The hand sinks lower. And lower. And lower.

"What? What is going on?" he asks aloud. "What are you doing?"

Regina's hand finds purchase on his daughter's butt and that's when David loses it.

"That's my daughter!"

He's up with Neal in his arms. He going to march over there and give them both a piece of his mind. Regina and Emma? When? How? Why? What is going on?

He flings the door open and stops when he finds Henry standing there.

"Hey Grandpa," he greets, coming inside.

"Hey Henry," David replies. "What are you doing here?"

The teenager studies his grandfather for a moment and shakes his head. "So you know."

"Know what?"

"You know about my moms," Henry tells him. "About how they're seeing each other."

David nods, paling at his grandson's words. "Yeah. I know."

"Don't feel bad," Henry assure him. "Most of the town knows. Maleficent. Belle. Granny. The Dwarves. They're just not saying anything because they're scared my mom might fireball them into next week.

"So is the football game on?"

David relents and takes a seat next to his apparently very astute grandson. "How did you find out?"

"I read about it," Henry says. "There's another book. But it's mostly blank. It's called The Ballad of the Savior and the Evil Queen. It's not like graphic or anything. Thank god. But it's heavily implied that that they are a thing in the book. Something about cheating fate and making their own destinies. Plus I saw them kiss in the Underworld. I think I might be scarred for life."

"A lot of that going around."

"Yeah, tell me about it."

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