ayahina + mudita / one-shot

title: close behind

notes: 'mudita' - taking delight in the happiness of others, vicarious joy; opposite of schadenfreude [pleasure derived by someone from another person's misfortune] | mild smut+fluff

summary: she finds her happiness within his own.

Through the stains of blood and salty tears that mark her pillow every night, between the sheets of skin that get teared apart and the blotching sound of flesh being ripped apart every morning after training, and broken dreams and broken promises that come creeping at her every now and then - be it morning or night - sometimes, Hinami thinks she can't find happiness. Sometimes, it seems like it's impossible. Other the times, it seems like it's for sure -

"You're getting stronger." But then Ayato comes by, and stares at her with those cold, broken eyes of his, that hides all his pain in the past, all his suffering, all his guilt. "Y'never know, might become stronger than me." And he caresses her with those rough hands of his, those hands that have killed and slaughtered, yet feel so warm, so safe. "Keep practicing." And he says his words with a small smile - so small - so small, that anyone can barely notice. But she does, and even if it's a bit, there's a certain heat that builds up inside of her. Maybe that's why she likes to stay close behind him.

Because he's happy, even if it doesn't seem like it, Hinami can feel it and that brings her a certain joy - a certain delight. And she wonders sometimes, when she lies down at night, counting the days and years and past memories and bloody knuckles and broken bones, she wonders how she can bring him happiness. How can she bring him joy. And sometimes, she thinks if Touka Onee-Chan were here, that maybe - just maybe, that'll bring all the happiness to him.

She goes to sleep thinking about it too.

:::

Sometimes, she invites him inside her room - to talk about … things … past memories or books she's recommended him or just to talk … about random topics - and it's fun. Lots of fun, and he seems happy, and she gets happy just by seeing him.

:::

"How many stars are there?"

She glances at him, smiles, and then back to the night sky. So strong, yet so curious - she finds it a bit cute whenever he would ask her question, with his twinkling with slight curiosity. "How would I know?"

"You seem smart," he replies, and she blushes, "Well, you are smart."

Her cheeks grow red, the heat inside of her begins to grow again - Hinami shifts away awkwardly - attempting to hide her face. It's the first compliment he gives her, well not first, but a compliment that has nothing to do with training. "You think so?"

"I know so," Ayato replies, "let's go back inside, it's getting too cold in here." She nods, follows him back inside HQ, till they reach his room. "Wanna come in?"

What?

"What?"

"I said do you want to come in?"

She staggers a bit - she wants to enter but she's too nervous and feels like she should wait. But instead of shaking her head, she nods and his hands entwined around her own, dragging her inside the room. It's a small room, with little to no furniture except for a bed, dresser, and a desk. "Nice room." Is all she can say, and he laughs - first time she's heard him laugh - and if she could, Hinami would've bottled it and heard it and gotten drunk with it every night. "It's small, but nice."

She takes a seat on his bed, then turns to look at him - and regrets immediately, because Hinami normally can't look other's in the eye - let alone him. But for some reason, she continues to stare at him, until he gets a little closer than usual. Not that she doesn't like, but it's new - really new - really new -

His knees are against her own, pressing, and his hands begin to cradle around her cheek. "Have you ever?" his voice is hushed, and she shakes her head quickly, hands pulling him further down - till their foreheads are against each other. And she can feel his breath around her face, and before she knows it, his lips are against her own.

And before she knows it, she's pinned against his bed, his scent heavy on her and his hands all around her body. His lips are on her neck, kissing - licking - leaving behind kiss marks that won't easily be hidden. And she can hear him whisper against her skin, words of praise and affection, and she finds herself moaning his name loudly and pulling him closer - and closer - and closer.

:::

She doesn't know if he loves her back, but as long as she loves him, she doesn't plan on turning back.

:::

[He loves her.]

[He just shows it in a different way.]

[And sometimes, it's better that way too.]

:::

"Want to get food?" Hinami inquires. "It's been awhile since we've hunted."

"Don't get lost like last time," Ayato says, "and stay close behind me."