22
Window Reflections
All the World's a Stage
She shifted so that she could see herself in the shop's dressing room mirror from as many angles as possible. She liked what she saw. She liked the way the fabric fell from her hips and swayed around her legs just below the knee. The soft red of the dress was bright but not too bold. It had a romantic soft look and feel to it, and it brought out the color in her cheeks and in her lips. Her lips! Her fingers moved unbidden to touch her lips, and once again, she was lost in sensations so fresh and new to her since this morning in the Q Bureau with Lee.
Instantly she could recall the spicy, woody smell of him. Sure, she had become familiar with the general way his cologne smelled, and she had become used to the way it could both excite and comfort her any time he pulled her into an embrace. But this morning she had delighted in finally being close to him long enough, to his freshly shaven cheek, that she could allow herself to learn the smell of his aftershave. She could still smell it even now and it was affecting her to her core.
She could still feel him too. Not just his cheek, but his hands on her forearms, holding her firmly before him, pulling her to him, then moving to her waist, finally closing the distance between them, drawing her so close to him that there was no space between them at all. She could feel the warmth and firmness of his chest as she allowed herself to run her hands along his lapels like she had so often stopped herself from doing in the past. She could feel the softness of his hair entwined in her fingers, the warmth of his hand caressing her cheek, making her feel somehow both precious and wanted.
And then his lips. Finally, after all these months, his lips! It had seemed as if they had been trembling, maybe insecurely at first and then as if he didn't know how to stop kissing her. And when they had finally left her mouth, she had felt them along her cheek bone and on her neck and finally hovering over her ear breathing her name.
She could see his eyes still, questioning, searching, and then smiling at her. His eyes had always told her so much, ever since the first day she had met him. This morning it was as if his eyes held chapters that she had only before dreamed might exist.
And she could still hear his voice, husky and hesitant, and yet, eager and gentle as he spoke her name, as he recalled their three-year journey to this point, as he asked to know her more. Her whole being remembered the sound of his sigh as he finally drew her to him after locking the door, the soft moan he made as he deepened their kiss and his relieved "finally" as they shyly gazed at each after a time.
These were the sensations that enveloped her as she left the Agency about an hour ago and she knew there was no way she could just go home and calmly explain to Mother why she was home early from work. Somehow, she had escaped the building undetected, made it to her car and had driven around town aimlessly until she found herself pulling into the parking lot at the train station. Just three years ago, she had pulled into this very place and her life had completely changed. She had been in a stupor then, too, she realized, one of complacency and boredom – so very different than what she was feeling now. Back then Lee had grabbed her, spun her around in a 180 to head off with him in a crazy direction and a desperate plea to deliver a package for him. He had placed her in a world of danger and intrigue, a world where she had learned so much more about herself, a world where "need to know" ruled the day - and ruled Lee. She laughed at herself just then. The world of the operative had become so much more familiar to her now. She had read Kremlin studies, she had no problem breaking into and entering a hotel room, in fact, she was totally capable of doing the breaking and entering herself now. Leaping off a balcony into a pool three stories below was something she could do without too much hesitation. She could keep a good cover, she could memorize lines overnight, she could jump out of a limousine, and help distract an assailant with a branch. Yes, she had become a good partner for Lee Stetson.
And this morning he had done it again! This morning he had taken her hands once more, locked his gaze with her and told her that he had a greater "need to know"- about her! Oh boy! And just as she had so willingly stepped into his world back then– she knew she was going to willingly step into this new world of romance with Lee – even if it meant more danger and intrigue. This step would remove any last protective walls of separation between them, further opening all she loved to his precarious life. But really those walls didn't exist much anymore anyway. It also meant that their friendship could be lost if they couldn't make this work. But that too wasn't even a question. Hadn't their friendship only been the beginning of this? What finally happened between them this morning had shed a clear light on everything they had experienced together the past few months . Hadn't she felt this growing between them for a long time now?
She looked at her reflection in the mirror again. This time all she could hear was Francine's voice. "Oh! When is opening night?" Opening night? She supposed it was going to be tonight! But two days ago, Francine's words had stung. Once again, she heard that nagging voice in her head ask if she and Lee had only been playing a game with each other. There they were in the Q Bureau, once again on the precipice of … something. It seemed like they had been hovering there for months. Most of the time she was certain that the something between them was very real, but Francine had this uncanny way of making her question herself. Her opening night barb had been a distant irritation she had swatted at the rest of that day. It had buzzed at her when she had insisted to Lee that her role as lead understudy was a good cover, when he had questioned her about why she was at the Potomac Plaza hotel, when she had jumped into the elevator right behind him as they followed Martinet. It had tried to settle on her as they stood there together on that balcony watching Maria von Clausen and Tony Martinet trysting together. "At least we aren't hiding under the bed," Lee had said. How many intimate moments had he experienced and how jaded could he really be? Were all their moments together just attempts at an opening night? And how long could a show really run with Lee?
But none of those questions had stopped her from jumping off that balcony with him and she knew that none of those questions would stop her from jumping into this new moment with Lee. In fact, all the whispers of doubt that the tone of Francine's voice and the look on her face had brought to the surface evaporated the moment she had been thrust into that limo and found Lee unconscious next to her. As scary as it was to be handcuffed inside a limo next to a knocked-out Lee, there was no question in her heart and mind in that moment what they meant to each other. She had waited patiently for Lee to stir and as soon as he had shown the slightest sign of coming to, she had coaxed him back to her – helping him to sit up, running her hands through his hair. She was no longer the helpless suburban housewife in his care as she had been three years ago, she was his partner. He had the double diamond lock pick, but she had the ability to unlock their cuffs. And when it had looked like Krutiov's lacky had almost got the better of Lee, she had distracted him with a branch so that Lee could get the upper hand. Lee's cry of pain from the baton strike and the relief that he had shown as he fell fully into her embrace had once again shown her the comfort and closeness they shared and banished all doubt.
All those lines from Martinet's play, the ones about utopia, and the dancing weasel, and opacity being transparent… so many of those had made her think of Lee and all that they had experienced together throughout these past three years. Underneath it all she really had believed there was something building between them. Perhaps she had been able to see something through that opaque façade he had put up. She could remember all those times he had rebuffed her in the past and yet had called her to himself. Over this past year especially, she had felt the walls coming down. She had seen into his heart so many times: when Paul Barns had returned, when they had been out in the Virginia woods hunted by Sacker, the way he had looked at her that night when she had been at Dooley's with Joe, all those dinners with no shop talk, and all the touches they had shared. And recently she had felt the electricity between them building - embraces, almost kisses, and that amazing moment just the other night outside her kitchen window.
But even after all that, she had sensed that something was up with Lee this morning and it had made her uneasy. She had caught his eye as they had turned to enter the office. He had looked so uncomfortable. For a moment she had thought that they might be catapulted back to that day outside the bullpen when Lee had tried explaining away their embrace in the Virginia woods as two cold people seeking a little warmth. Entering the office, she determined to ignore her fears and simply focus on the report they had needed to write. He had spoken her name then, and she had turned to him, leaning on the desk for support, noticing how deliberately he had closed the office door behind him.
She could recall every moment. He had closed the door, turned to her and just stood there by the door, clasping his ever-moving hands in front of him. He was nervous. His deep, husky voice was tinged with it. She could remember fingering the sturdy desk behind her, her heart caught in her throat. Something was about to happen that would change everything, she could tell. She just hadn't been totally sure exactly what it was he thought they had needed to talk about, until his smile had touched the serious gaze he held her with. The pounding of her heart sped up as he approached her. They had been getting to know each other… for three years they had both said. He seemed almost shy, hesitant even. He hadn't even lifted his eyes to hers as he came closer until he was standing right there in front of her reaching for both of her hands. "And I think there is a lot about you that I don't know." He'd almost whispered it. And then he hadn't asked her, he'd made a declaration to her, hadn't he? He declared a need to know. He was going to enjoy spending time with her as he found out more about her, and he was going to start right then!
She had spent these years learning about Lee. She knew that Lee had also learned a lot about her. But that had only been the beginning. Recently, every time they had almost kissed, it had been a snatched moment or an impulse. This time, everything Lee did felt deliberate. The closed door, the words, the slow walk towards her, taking her hands. And then he was searching her eyes, taking the time to learn how they said "yes." He watched her lips for her invitation to meet them with his. And then he had drawn her to him. But, oh gosh! Were they ever to catch a real break!? The spell that Lee had been casting seemed to have dispersed immediately with the bang of the door in the hall, and she had prepared herself to push this beautiful feeling aside and come back down to earth once more.
She had seen Lee focused on a lead or a case before. She knew the intensity with which he fought for things. Watching him stride to that door, turn the bolt, and ignore Billy's knock surprised her. And it had made the butterflies in her stomach flutter in double time. If she had been taken aback by Lee's deliberateness before, now she had been floored by it. She couldn't help noticing the way his jaw muscle clenched - the same way it often did when he set himself to something with determination - as he growled his, "no, not this time," to the door and everything on the other side of it and returned to her, taking her hands in again.
He had made his declaration with words, but strangely, she couldn't form any. It had always been an automatic gesture for her to reach for the lapels of his jacket or to reach out and touch his chest. Countless times in the past she'd stopped herself realizing how intimate the gesture really was. Lately, she had caught herself holding on to his lapels as they spoke, when she ran to him or during intense moments in the field. But this morning she had allowed herself the freedom to deliberately run her hands up his chest, feeling the texture of his suit jacket and the warm firmness of the man underneath. He had watched her do it, and the smile that emerged on his face both relaxed her and egged her on. They had sighed a laugh together then. It seemed to Amanda as if they both were amazed that they were finally here and wondered why it had taken them so long. To her, being in his arms like this felt so right and natural.
And yet, even after so many moments similar to this one – the recent brief kiss, interrupted moments, even the few they had shared as part of a cover over the years - nothing could prepare her for what it was really like to have Lee intentionally hold her in an embrace like this. She had willingly placed a quick, soft, tentative kiss on his lips, pulling away so that she could see how he'd respond. And, oh, how he had responded! She had never known anything like it. This wasn't a practiced, polished kiss. It felt like an aching, learning one. It felt like she and Lee were learning a new language, one made just for the two of them.
But no moment could last forever, and there was a report that needed writing. Lee had invited her to join him for a romantic dinner tonight, at some quiet restaurant about an hour away where he could ensure that no one would know them, and they would not be interrupted. A real first date! They had laughed and had somewhat shyly and reluctantly let go of their embrace. After a few false starts on the report, interrupted by glances, shy smiles, and touches, Lee had suggested that she call it a day so that he could focus on the report alone and she could make sure her evening was clear for them. She couldn't help but notice that this was the first time he had told her to go home, and she had readily agreed with him to do so.
Only, she hadn't been ready to go home, so she had taken this detour by the train station and finally to the mall to shop for a new dress. She didn't shop for clothes often; she had noticed this dress the last time she had taken the boys clothes shopping. A new dress for this new chapter in her relationship with Lee seemed like a good idea. Plus, it had given her time to collect herself.
Yeah, she liked the way it looked; she liked the way everything in her life looked right now. She had better get home. She had a real first date with Lee to get ready for… Oh Boy!