Happy holidays to all.

My dear cousin, who noticed long ago that I enjoy torturing my characters, dared me to write a fluffy Firefly story for Christmas. I am not one to back down from a challenge, and so this fic, while not really fluff, is meant to be a heartwarming holiday tale. With slash.

Beta'd by proudtobeatheatrekid.

This story is set between the series and the film. I am aware that in the official timeline, Christmas would not fall then—I just wanted to do it that way. It has no relation to my other Firefly stories. Enjoy!

Translations: Are below.

Tian xiao-de—Name of all that's sacred

Le-se—Junk

Meimei—Little sister

Gao yang zhong de gu yang—Motherless goats of all motherless goats

December Twenty-First

Simon held up the long knife he'd removed from Mal's left arm. "If I wasn't a trusting sort of person, I'd say you were trying to get yourself killed." He raised an eyebrow. "Oh, wait. I'm not a trusting sort of person. What in the tian xiao-de were you thinking?"

"I didn't hardly start it!" Mal protested. First Zoe had given him an earful halfway to the rendezvous, and now that all her worries had proven absolutely valid, Simon had to pick up where she'd left off. "Client picked the drop point, not me."

"And the fact that you were supposed to meet outside a bar called the Hanged Browncoat didn't give you, oh, the smallest notion that this was a setup?" Simon demanded.

Jayne snorted from the infirmary corner, where the doc had just disinfected and bandaged the bullet graze he'd acquired. "Me, I'm surprised they didn't slice your gorram hand off, Mal. And now that there's no deal—"

"Could be there is a deal," Zoe interrupted, stepping into the infirmary, followed by a tan-skinned woman with dark hair pinned up in braided knots, a swelling bruise on one cheekbone. "Noriko has a notion we can make a profit off this anyhow."

Mal grinned at his fellow former soldier, a Browncoat who'd gotten slammed twice by grenades and still refused to die, and wouldn't have made friends with civilized folk if they lived next door for ten years. "Gonna spin straw into gold for us?"

"Looks like you could use all the help you can get," Noriko retorted. "That knife were any longer, we could spit and roast a pig on it." She eyed Simon. "So you're the ones who picked up that rogue Osiris medic and his little sis. Honor to meet you, Doc. Anyone who sticks it to the Alliance is a friend to me."

"Um. Thank you." Simon set the knife on the counter and went to sterilize his needle and forceps.

The thump of cargo boots sounded on the stairs, and a few moments later Kaylee poked her head into the infirmary. "You alright, Captain? Zoe said you got sliced up."

Mal glared at the rest. "It's a sad day when a man gets a little nick on his arm—not even his gun arm—and his crew won't leave him the hell alone about it."

"A four-inch laceration is not a little nick," Simon informed him, beginning to stitch up the cut. "Or would you like a detailed description of what could happen to your not-gun arm if infection sets in?"

"I'll take a pass. So, Noriko. What's your notion?"

Noriko leaned against one of the infirmary counters. "Got a contact on Kerry named Adrianna. Used to be a merc, married a smuggler named Tengfei, now the two of 'em basically run the crop seed trade for a good thousand acres."

"So you reckon they might take an interest in the salvage we picked up?"

"I'd bet a barrel of whiskey on it."

Zoe tilted her head to one side. "Kerry's naught but four hours away. You give the go-ahead, sir, we'll get in touch with 'em and pinpoint the coordinates, and once the doc's stitched you up, you can come to the bridge and seal the deal."

"Sounds like a plan. Could even have a few days of shore leave once we're there." Mal nodded at Noriko as Simon wrapped a bandage over the cut on his arm. "Thanks."

"Least I can do for my old sergeant." Noriko chuckled as she and Zoe left the infirmary. "Might take some luck to pull the deal off, but you've got luck to spare if you can keep this piece of le-se in the air for near on six years."

"Le-se?" Kaylee ran after 'em. "Don't talk about my girl that way. Serenity ain't…" The voices faded out as the three women walked up the stairs.

Jayne heaved himself to his feet. "Vera's cartridge needs replacin'. Best go take care of that now." He vanished out the door.

Which left Mal alone with Simon. A situation which he was a bit more fond of than he'd ever be willing to admit to anyone. It was most likely a good thing that the doc was, as a rule, focused on whatever injury Mal had just gotten. And it would most likely have been far better if Mal had continued to see Simon as just Serenity medic or as just River's brother. Not as…well, he weren't going to think on it.

"Do you…" Simon stripped off the rubber gloves he'd worn and began washing his hands.

Mal slid off the medbay chair and looked at him. "Yeah?"

"Do you celebrate Christmas? Here on Serenity, I mean."

"Never a much of one." Mal shrugged. "I know Zoe and Wash come up with gifts for each other—think he gave her a flower made of pipe cleaners last year. And Kaylee usually bakes a cake or some such. Reckon Shepherd Book might try to hand us a sermon this year, but I for one ain't listening. Why?"

Simon turned back around from the sink. "River couldn't have had much of in the way of celebrations at the Academy. And even before that, even on Osiris, well…"

"Well, what?" If anyone had asked Mal what Simon and River's Christmases growing up had been like, he'd have hazarded a guess they'd been given pretty much whatever they wanted. But the hunch of Simon's shoulders and the way his eyes were fixed on the floor didn't exactly indicate that.

"It seems silly, now. But my parents…we had relatives we were supposed to impress, so everything always had to be perfect on holidays. Including us." Simon laughed, but it didn't sound amused. "My main memory of Christmastime is of River accidentally breaking a tree ornament and my mother screaming at her. That, and the time we were trying to make a gingerbread house on Christmas Eve and my father told me I was too old for that."

Mal thought of his crew tossing their ball around in the cargo bay, defying every game rule in the 'verse. As far as he knew, it had never occurred to anyone that they might be too old for a thing like play. "That mean you ain't one for celebrating?"

"I could be. Just—not in the ways I've been used to. I think last year I didn't even realize it was Christmas, I was trying so hard to get River out." Simon stopped. "I'm sorry, you shouldn't have to listen to me complain. You go through enough trouble for us as it is."

"Well, not today. Today the trouble came from plain bad luck and me not listening to Zoe."

"I know there are jobs you have to turn down because River and I are onboard. I just hope this new one doesn't turn out that way." Simon paused. "And you?"

"What about me?"

"What do you do for Christmas?"

"Nothing." The word came out sharper than Mal had intended. "Don't believe in it."

"Why not?"

"Don't care much for anything to do with God. Haven't since Serenity. We ain't the only folks came out of there crippled, you know. Noriko, who you just saw—she was one. Had soldiers there were as close to me then as my crew is these days. Now some of 'em are stuck in grounded ships, some of 'em lost kids to slavers, some of 'em missing limbs—and what does God do about any of that?" Mal shut his mouth. No point in speaking of this. Point of fact, he weren't sure why he'd said a thing.

"I'm sorry. They deserve better."

"You don't even know 'em, and you'll still say they deserve better?"

"Nobody should suffer like that," Simon said flatly. "I don't care who they are. Nobody."

There it was, the reason he shouldn't let himself be drawn to Simon—because the 'verse smashed up folk with philosophies like that, faster than brick to glass. All the doc could do with such notions was get himself hurt. And yet it pulled Mal in like gravity—the morality, the love that Simon was so obviously capable of.

"I'd best go up, make sure Zoe and Noriko got that deal squared away. Crop seed down there is burning a hole in my hull."

OoOoO

"Wash!" Mal grabbed the console to keep from being knocked to the floor when Serenityjerked. "If you land wrong on that ice and kill us all, I'm docking your pay!"

"I'm sure that, being dead, I'd never forgive you," Wash replied, busy with the controls. "If we bounce a few times on the way down, it'll get rid of all that bad karma we've built up."

"Made great time on the way here, at any rate." Zoe straightened up from where she'd grabbed the pilot's chair. "Be nice to have a little time dirtside, even if we got to trek through a blizzard."

"Yeah." Wash flipped a switch. "Good job planning for Christmas, Mal."

"It's shore leave, and no more, you hear?" The last time a holiday had rolled around—Easter, as it happened—Kaylee had spent more credits than Mal liked to think of on chocolate eggs. Plus, he'd been trapped into listening to Book's sermon on the risen Christ. "Last thing I want is the Shepherd thinking I'm putting us out of the way for God."

"I'm not the one you should be getting irritated with." Wash grinned at Zoe. "The only goddess I worship is right here."

"Doubt the Shepherd's going to think you're overly moral, sir." A smile tugged at the corners of Zoe's mouth. "You've planned for us to drop off our cargo right on Christmas morning."

"Client picked the time, not me. We go where the pay is." There was a time, during the war, when he'd have ordered his soldiers to cease fire on Christmas Day. Back when he'd had a shred of faith.

Wash landed them smooth as could be on the icy runway. "I think you haven't calculated for the Kaylee factor."

Mal was going to demand just what he meant when Jayne clanked in. "Anyone know any good whorehouses on this gorram planet? Hear we got three days off."

"What the hell are you doing with all those guns? Don't you have a bunk?"

Jayne glared. "Moon-brain's taken to lock-pickin'. Why can't she be the dumb kind of crazy for once?"

Zoe sighed. "Guess I'll go tell the doc to control her. Reckon his favorite Christmas gift would be a day off from River's antics. Doubt he'd say a word of it, though." She hurried off the bridge.

"My ruttin' favorite Christmas present would be those two off this boat," Jayne grumbled. "They're more trouble than they're worth."

"Say that the next time Simon stitches up the bloody, infected, six-inch gash on your leg so you can walk without a limp the rest of your life," Mal told him.

Serenity's engine ground to a halt, and Wash got to his feet. "Off to find my goddess. If I were you, I'd finish your no doubt absorbing conversation after we've figured out what Kaylee's up to." He strolled off the bridge. Jayne snorted and went after him.

Mal considered following and trying to knock some sense into Jayne, but decided to let it go for now. Besides, he had clients to wave. Adrianna and Tengfei had proved eager enough for the crop seeds, but had hinted that if the crew of Serenitydid not inform them of their arrival right quick, they'd assume they'd run off with the goods.

The wave screen on the console was close to shorting out, but worked well enough for close range, and it wasn't long before Tengfei's face appeared. "Captain Reynolds. Running into trouble en route?"

"Not a bit. Fact is, we're here now. Want to pick up the cargo right away, or stick with the twenty-fifth?"

"Twenty-fifth will be fine, unless you have some grave objection to trading on Christmas."

It took some effort for Mal not to roll his eyes. "No objection at all."

"Good. I'm hoping the local populace will be too busy celebrating to notice our little exchange. Of course, they'll have to patch themselves up first."

"What're you meaning by that?"

Tengfei raised his eyebrows. "Didn't you hear? There's a factory in this town that had an explosion, and about a third of the people work there. Plenty of hurt. It's a pity, I say."

Mal nodded, preferring not to think too much about what would happen to injured folk on this backwards rock. "Any idea when the storm's gonna let up?" His crew would likely sulk to no end if they had to spend their leave stuck inside Serenity.

"Tomorrow's my guess. See you in the world." Tengfei disappeared from the screen. No sooner had he done so than an ear-splitting scream echoed through the ship. Mal groaned. Screams such as that, when there weren't no gunshots, generally meant River Tam.

Down in the cargo bay, Zoe was attempting to hold River still while Simon tried to wrestle something Mal couldn't see properly out of her hands. "Meimei, that's Inara's. You have to give it back."

"It will bring down death!" River shrieked. "The god Osiris is displeased with our sacrilege! Return it to the Nile!"

"Must say, Doc," Jayne leered from the stairs. "Your little sister's startin' early."

Simon whipped around to shoot Jayne a poisonous look. "The Hippocratic Oath only goes so far."

Jayne blinked. "What?"

"I will inject you with a paralyzing substance if you continue to make allusions to my sister's sex life."

Sex life? Mal peered closer at the item in River's hands, and saw, with a goodly dose of horror, that it was a vibrator. Not that watching the siblings fight over the thing didn't tickle him.

Inara descended down the stairs, far more calmly than Mal bet anyone else would in her shoes. "I apologize, Simon. I thought I had those locked up."

River let go of the vibrator so fast that Simon tumbled to the ground with it in his grip. She jerked away from Zoe and ran up past Wash, who'd come to see what all the fuss was about. "That doesn't belong to us, does it?" the pilot inquired of his wife.

"No, darling. We ain't got a need for such things."

Simon awkwardly held out the sex toy to Inara. "Actually, I'm the one who should be saying sorry. I've thrown the lock picks she was using out the airlock, but I can't guarantee she won't make more. There's a lot of wire around this ship."

"Who's this Osiris?" Jayne interjected. "She talkin' about the planet or what?"

"Osiris was the Egyptian god of the dead, on Earth-That-Was. The planet is named after him, actually. One story goes that his brother Seth cut him into pieces and scattered him across Egypt."

"You'll have to explain a mite more, Doc," Mal told him. "Don't think we understand perfectly."

"Ah. Yes. Well, apparently Osiris's wife Isis gathered all the parts together and resurrected him, except for, um, a certain reproductive part, which was eaten by fish. So Isis had to, um, create a new one. I think River thought she'd found the missing..." Simon trailed off.

"I'm certainly glad to have it back," Inara cut in smoothly, to the doctor's apparent gratitude. "Shall we—"

Shepherd Book stuck his head out of the kitchen, where he'd been cleaning up from dinner. "Hello, all. Kaylee asked me to gather you together. She's gone to her bunk to get something, I believe."

With an ominous feeling, Mal gestured his crew towards the kitchen. When he came in, River was folded in on herself in the corner. Simon went straight to her, whispering something that was obviously intended to be reassuring. River just shrank further behind the curtain of her hair.

Weren't the first time Mal had noted that, despite the lack of flying bullets in Simon's job description, he worked every bit as hard as the rest of the crew, even when not stitching up everyone. Had to, what with River being as moonbrained as she was. What Mal and Zoe and Jayne did was dangerous, and that was truth. But in one quick flash it was over. Mal knew from during the war that looking out for a sick person sure gnawed at your nerves, and Simon had been doing it for months without a break.

Made Mal want to help somehow. An impulse he should ignore. Simon and River's business was their own.

Inara sat gracefully at the table, spreading her skirts around her. Jayne propped his boots on another chair until Wash shoved them off to make room for himself. Zoe settled by her husband as Book put away the last of the dishes.

Kaylee came bouncing into the kitchen carrying several scraps of paper. The crew watched, bemused, as she removed a bowl from the cupboard and dumped the pieces into it, then turned towards them. "We're gonna celebrate Christmas proper this year! I've got it all planned out."

"How, little Kaylee?" Mal asked warily. Were his mechanic not so obviously excited, he'd have shot down the idea instantly. Alright, so maybe he'd find a meal that weren't protein for so-called Christmas Day. But seemed like Kaylee had more in mind than that.

"First off," Kaylee pronounced, "I reckon somethin' new for dinner would be right shiny. There ain't much fresh produce to be found where it's snowin' like this, but there's canned stuff, and flour and sugar and things like that. Wouldn't be much, but if we all chipped in, we could manage it."

"Sounds good," Wash agreed, and Zoe nodded.

Jayne shrugged. "Guess I might throw in somethin'."

"It's a wonderful idea, Kaylee," Inara said. "But what do you have there?" She waved a hand at the bowl with the paper scraps.

"I ain't askin' y'all to do much. I'll take care of the decorations—"

Mal swore inwardly. Decorations too?

"—but I can't shop for gifts for everyone. So I thought we'd divide 'em up. You pick a piece of paper from the bowl, and that person's the one you buy a present for. It'll be fun!"

Fun? Mal remembered well the very literal horror of the last "gift exchange" he'd taken part in. The war was not a thing he wanted to revisit, and he would bet Zoe felt the same.

"Not like we'll find anythin' good on this jing chang mei yong deplanet," Jayne grumbled.

Kaylee smacked him lightly. "You gotta be creative."

"It seems like a fine idea to me." Book smiled at the mechanic. "Presents serve to remind us of the Magi's gifts to the Christ child. Of course, they also indicate general goodwill, so even the less religious may take part."

Mal could practically feel the Shepherd sending don't-disappoint-Kaylee thoughts his way. He was about to snap out a no in any case when River spoke.

"Tinsel is silver."

"Sure it is, honey," Kaylee said. "Gold too. I was gonna—"

"Needles are silver."

Simon took her hands. "River, did you celebrate Christmas last—before we came here?"

"Christmas is red and green and white. Red is blood. Green is death, sickly death, rotting away." She peeked around her hair, eyes glittering. "But white is for a truce. They put down their weapons for a day." She began to sing softly, rocking back and forth, words Mal didn't know.

"Stille Nacht, heil'ge Nacht,
Alles schläft; einsam wacht
Nur das traute hoch heilige Paar.
Holder Knab' im lockigen Haar,
Schlaf in himmlischer Ruh,
Schlaf in himmlischer Ruh."

There was silence, broken, naturally, by Jayne. "Right, well, now that we've had our dose of crazy for the day, what're we gonna do about this here gift exchange?"

Simon looked at the others, still holding River's hand. "If the rest of you are willing, I think it's a good idea. Even if only as revenge."

Mal raised an eyebrow. "What're you meaning by that?"

"We might get some joy out of it. And we've all gone through hell of some kind, people trying to ruin our lives. I personally like the idea of them not getting their way."

Now, there was a notion Mal could get behind. "Right. Suppose it'll be trouble and bother to no end, but so long as it don't interfere with the job, it can work."

Kaylee beamed. "Thanks, Captain!"

"Better get my cut for this caper afterwards, is all I can say," Jayne muttered. "Don't want to spend a million credits without no coin on the way."

Zoe gave him a look. "Don't put in on this, don't expect to get nothing out of it. You saying you want to be the only one left without a gift?"

"Hey. Mal don't like it either."

Wash cut in. "Fifteen credits he comes around to the idea."

"You're on."

"Now, there's a few rules," Kaylee continued. "You can't go lettin' everyone know who you picked. It's gotta be a surprise. We'll all leave our gifts outside our person's bunk on Christmas Eve, so they'll find 'em and open 'em. And then on Christmas, after the job, we show everyone what we got and the giver says who they were. Sound shiny?"

"It does." Inara smiled. "Shall we each select our gift recipient?"

Kaylee held out the bowl. "You go first, 'Nara."

Inara reached in and pulled out a piece of paper, unfolding and then scanning it. She looked thoughtful for a moment, then nodded for Kaylee to offer the bowl to someone else.

After looks from both Mal and Zoe, Jayne heaved an exasperated sigh and leaned forward. "Fine. Give me that damn bowl." Kaylee held it out and he snatched up a paper, nearly ripping it in half as he looked at it. "Gao yang zhong de gu yang! How am I supposed to give to—"

"Shh!" Kaylee cut him off. "You can't tell nobody!"

"But I can't—"

Wash grinned. "What, the great Jayne Cobb admits he can't do something?"

"Says who?" Jayne stuffed the paper in his pocket and glared.

"I suppose I must also prove my worth," Wash sighed dramatically as he reached into the bowl on the table. Glancing at his paper, he began to chuckle. "Oh, I'll have fun with this. I've got dinosaurs behind me. I can't fail."

River had risen to her feet and come over to the table. "Seemingly random process of selection. The threads weave together. Approximately one chance in thirty-six, or 2.7 percent." She plunged her hand into the bowl.

"I'll help you pick something if you want," Simon began.

River shrugged him off. "Secret. Besides, know what I'll get. Moon and stars and sun."

"Moon and—?"

His sister stuck out her tongue. "Pick one yourself."

Simon gamely took a piece of paper and opened it up. Whatever he read, Mal saw with amusement, made him turn a shade pale. "I'm not sure this is a good idea."

"No, you can't put it back," Kaylee told him. "That's the fun part."

"Yeah, Doc." Jayne took out a knife and started picking his teeth. "I gotta keep—" he paused, "—this here person, you gotta keep yours."

"Don't worry." Simon's face said pretty clearly that whoever he'd drawn should be worried. "I'll manage."

Kaylee held out the bowl to Mal. "Here, Captain, your turn."

In for a cattle, in for a herd, Mal thought, and took a slip of paper, shoving it into his pocket to read later. His mechanic offered the bowl to Zoe next.

"Hmm." Zoe examined the paper, brow furrowed, then tucked it into her vest with no further comment.

"Who ain't got one yet?" Kaylee asked. "Besides me."

Book took a paper. "Now, this should be interesting. Yes, very." Mal devoutly hoped the Shepherd hadn't gotten him. He'd meant it when he'd said the man was welcome on his boat, also meant it when he said God ain't. Book and Christmas looked to be a dangerous combination.

Kaylee dumped out the last piece of paper and unfolded it. "Oooh. This'll be fun. I know just what to get!"

Mal also devoutly hoped she hadn't gotten Simon. Reckon that weren't charitable of him. If they wanted to be happy, he should let them, but shipboard romances tangled things up. Look at him and Inara. They weren't even bedding down and still they fought. 'Course, there might actually be good reasons for that. For all Inara had shipped out with them for more than a year, she was a citizen born and bred and could go back to civilization if she wanted to, didn't know the feeling that came with running and fighting every day of your life. And since the war, that was all Mal had known.

No, shipboard romances never worked. Well, mayhap Zoe and Wash, but they weren't ordinary folk. And Mal only wanted to save Kaylee and Simon the mess that would come if they ended up in the same bunk. That was absolutely it. Nothing else.

"Right, people." Mal looked 'round as his crew. "Our contact says the storm is like to lift by tomorrow. Then you all can head off and do whatever time-wasting things you like until it's time to deliver the goods."

River wandered out the door, Simon sticking right behind her. The Shepherd settled down to read his Bible, Kaylee skipped off to her bunk, and Zoe and Wash, yawning, followed suit. Jayne didn't look inclined to move, and Inara was getting out tea-making equipment, so Mal betook himself up to the bridge. Once there, he took the scrap of paper from his pocket. On it, in Kaylee's handwriting, was scrawled: River.

Mal decided it was time and past for Lady Luck to stop stepping on him with her damn heavy boots. First the job, then the prospect of tinsel, and now he had to find a present for a genius with a cut-up brain whose brother he liked a little too much.

Note

The song River sings is Silent Night, in the original German.

Reviews are most welcome!