****I do not own the characters they are the creation of Suzanne Collins. Please review. I appreciate all your thoughts.

Nightmares

Peeta heard my screams, like when we were on tour he joined me in my bed and calmed me down. Guilt consumes me because I am relieved that I agreed to be friends with him this morning. If I would of have ignored him I would be alone now and still frightened from my nightmare. My mind struggles to understand why the only time I can ever really sleep is when I am in his arms. Is it because we share the same nightmares from the games or is there more? Honestly, I don't know. I have been so consumed by fear and keeping my family safe that I haven't had the chance to think of anything else. Before the first reaping I thought of only Gale. Now Snow has taken that possibility from me. If I was able to live out my life as a victor and not have to go back to the arena I still wouldn't have been able to choose Gale. I am forever tied to Peeta, not by choice, but for survival. Our "love" was the only thing that kept us alive, well it was until the announcement of the Quarter Quell. Snow is determined to kill me and Peeta has once again been dragged in to my mess. At least when I die I will no longer bring pain to those who love me.

Why couldn't Peeta been playing out the whole fake love story as well! When we returned home he said he didn't want to forget what happened in the games, but that is all I want to do. I want to forget everything; about the reaping, the parade, the multiple tribute deaths, sweet Rue, the kisses in the cave, the mutts with the tributes eyes and the night lock berries. It never crossed my mind until on the train ride back home that Peeta meant every word he said in the cave. All I see is his broken heart when I look at him. His face is a constant reminder of the hurt I caused him and a reminder of the games. It was never my intention to hurt Peeta. I just wanted to save him since I couldn't save Rue. Is there anything I can do to take a way his pain without making it worse? It doesn't matter anymore because now we are on our way again to fight in the arena. All I can think of now is keeping Peeta alive again, because between Haymitch and I Peeta deserves to live the most.

When I think of everything he has done for me I feel something that I can't explain. He has done so much for me and how did I repay him when we returned back home from the games and the tour? I completely ignore him. There were so many nights I wish I could have asked him to come over and stay with me. To have him in my bed and rest my head on his chest so I could sleep nightmare free, but I couldn't ask that of him. Peeta has always been aware of his feelings for me. He is always so gracious towards me, although I never deserve it, and he is hurt. Hurt because of me and the act I portrayed during the games. I tell myself each night that I had to hurt him to save him.

Peeta is staring at me noticing that I am deep in thought.

"Would you like to talk about it?" he asks.

I bury my head in his chest and shake my head. Peeta gently kisses my forehead and raises his hand to stroke my hair. A feeling of peace surrounds me but it this has to be torture for him. I need to stop hurting him. I sit up and stare into his eyes, "Why do you do this to yourself?"

"Do what?" he replies looking at me with confusion in his eyes.

I looked down not wanting to see his reaction. I somehow finally managed to get the words out. "Torture yourself like this. You don't have to come in here if…you know...if it's too hard. I don't want to hurt you any more than I already have."

If I was going to die in the Quell and make sure Peeta lived I wanted him to attempt to try to live the rest of his life happy, if he could. I didn't want him to hurt anymore but it seems like that's all I do to him and Gale. When we continue on to the games we will need to continue our act of star-crossed lovers. Well my act. He isn't acting. Haymitch was right. I don't deserve Peeta not in this life or any other lives I could possibly live out.

"I know." He replied as he lifted my chin so our eyes could meet. "Katniss I know after we came back that you wanted to ignore everything that happened, but it's still true that I didn't. Though my life was on the line and I almost died, if I had to do it all over again I would. I was able to be with you even if it was for a couple of weeks. When I was lying in that cave dying I finally overcame the fear of telling you how I felt. It was unbelievable."

I looked at Peeta confused. He must have been more out of it than I thought in the cave. "How did it feel unbelievable when you asked me to say something and I wouldn't respond back to your story about watching me walk home? You spilled your guts out to me and I gave you nothing in return but fake kisses."

Peeta smirked at me and shook his head but then stared at me with sincerity. "Katniss you did whatever you believed was right to bring us back home alive and it worked, but not all of your kisses were fake."

I kissed Peeta so many times in that cave how could he tell the difference?

He stroked my cheek, "there was one kiss when you really kissed me that was not for part of the show. I couldn't of ever of asked for anything more. You could have left me to die in that cave and I would have died truly happy. When we returned it hurt knowing that you refused to believe that you shared any of the same feelings for me. Every time you looked at me you looked at me like I was broken and it was true, I was. So you avoided me and then we went into this routine of ignoring each other unless we had to display affection for the cameras."

How could I do this to him? I wish Crane would have let us eat those berries. My family and Gale would be almost done grieving by now. Peeta would be dead and I wouldn't be hurting him and sentencing him to death with my selfish actions. I should kick him out of the room and until we go into the arena perhaps that will stop me from continuing to do this to him.

Peeta took his thumb and wiped away the tear that rolled down my cheek. His fingers caress the side of my face. "Katniss please don't ignore me anymore. It hurts more. Please let me finish"

Ugh... I hate how he does that. He can determine what I am thinking and stop me before I can follow through on my decision. Why do I listen to him anyways? I never listen to anyone else. A deep sigh escapes my mouth and I look up into his hazel eyes. To signal for him to continue.

"I was broken but I am to blame as well." He said as taking my hands in his.

Confusion flooded my mind. Why would he think that he is to blame? I played the part of being deeply in love and he wasn't. All his feelings for me are genuine.

"When I gave you that bread I should have brought it to you. Not throwing it across to you like some coward. I watched you for years and never worked up the courage to talk to you."

I started to get angry. "Peeta I couldn't imagine what your mother would have done to you if you handed me that bread. You already got a bad beating for not feeding it to the pigs. It was smart of you to throw it."

"Katniss you don't understand. When my name was called for the reaping I wasn't in shock because I was chosen to die. I was in shock because I finally had my chance to get to know you. I am sorry that sounds so selfish."

"Peeta.. that doesn't make sense" Has he lost his mind. The pressure of going back to the arena must be getting to him. What was he saying? Why would he think that way?

He continued, "All I could think of when you were walking up to the stage is that I lost my chance. I was never going to have the chance to talk to you. I truly wish the circumstances were different. I hate that you had to volunteer because Prim's name was picked. However, once we were on the way to Capitol together I made a decision. I was going to enjoy the moments with you until the end and not waste any of them. You didn't make it easy but I didn't care. It wasn't until you got so angry with me during the interviews that I asked to train alone with Haymitch. It was to give you space."

I remembered feeling so betrayed when Haymitch told me Peeta was going to start training alone.

"You needed to focus on the games and I was in the way distracting you with my feelings. Haymitch couldn't comprehend why I got so infuriated with him on the train when we first went to the Capitol. I told him that you needed to live and I would do anything to make sure of it. He finally gave after he realized I was making his job easier since I was so willing to die for you."

My head lowered shamefully. Peeta was willing to die for me from the beginning and I showed him nothing but hate. It wasn't even until the end of the games that I tried to protect him. I don't know what I would of done if the game makers didn't make the announcement that two victors from the same district could win.

"In the arena I didn't think that you would come searching for me. I knew I would slow you down being injured and didn't want you to risk your life for me, but once you found me you were so committed to risk your life to keep me alive. I couldn't understand why. I started to think that maybe you did care for me, but when we returned you ignored me and I went right back to being a coward. I should have licked my wounds and tried to be friends sooner. There has been so much time lost."

"I don't understand." Is all I could reply, but part of me was wishing he would have tried sooner too.

"I decided today that it doesn't matter how much time I get with you or what it is comprised of. I just want to spend it with you. Any way I can. Any way you will allow it."

"Peeta I…" What can I say? He has done so much for me. I should allow it.

"I know I said if I had to do it all over again I would. Truly though if I had the choice I wouldn't be able to go through with it, knowing all the pain it caused you. However, for me I every minute I spent with you was the best moments of my life. I just want to feel that way again."

He wants to feel the way he did in the cave again. Could I do that for him? Continue to act outside of the cameras to make him happy. At least if I pretend maybe it will throw him off to Haymitch's and my plans to keep him alive.

"Katniss I didn't mean I want you to do anything you don't want to do. I don't want an act. This here is enough." He laid me back down against his side placing my head on his chest and went back to stroking my hair.

As I laid there in Peeta's arms I started to think that when I die in the games I hope that will provide Snow with enough satisfaction that he doesn't take Peeta too. That way Peeta can win, go back home and find someone to love him back the way he deserves. Thinking of Peeta with another makes me feel uneasy. I want him to happy, but what if Snow wants to set an example and kills both of us? Peeta will miss out on so much because I took his options away from him. He deserves so much more, but because of me his life is on the line. I need to do whatever I can for him to make it right. He only wants to spend time with me I should be more than willing to allow him that. My body started to relax as Peeta went from stroking my hair to rubbing my back.