I hope you're having as much fun getting ready for Christmas as I am!

Five : The choice. (22/12/2015)

She was so stupid. So, so, so incredibly and utterly stupid.

She didn't know what she was going to do, now. Standing in front of Hotch's door at 3:30 in the morning, JJ couldn't help but question her sanity.

There was, at best, 2 percent chance of him not slamming the door shut at the sight of her. And he'd be right to do so, too, JJ thought, when she remembered how she had reacted when he'd told her he loved her.

[three months earlier]

JJ had been sitting outside the bureau for what it felt like an eternity. She was staring blankly at the cars passing by, people strolling down the street, not bothered by the cold September air in the slightest.

She didn't even notice Hotch sitting down next to her.

"Are you going to tell me what's wrong?" He asked, startling her. She didn't have the courage to face him, so she mumbled,

"Nothing's wrong."

"That's bullshit, JJ. Something has been on your mind lately and as both your boss and your friend, I'd really like to know what it is. I want to help you, you know."

"There's nothing you can do to help me."

"You'd have to tell me about that thing and only then can I decide—"

"Will proposed," she blurted out, not letting him finish.

"What?" Hotch gasped. JJ finally looked at him, arching her eyebrow at his reaction. He seemed surprised, sure, but also a bit crushed. Scared.

Which was exactly how she felt, and definitely not how he should feel now.

"Will presented me with a ring and asked me to marry him. You know, the usual, boring proposal thing, you must've experienced one before," she explained, her voice dripping with unnecessary sarcasm.

"You're funny. What did you say to him?"

"I said no," she answered.

"Oh," he mused. "That's good."

"Excuse me? That's good? Why would you say that?!" JJ didn't even know why she got so offended; she was having second thoughts, yes, and she expected her friends to reassure her, to help her see that getting married to Will is the right thing to do. And here he was, her incredible boss whom she admired and perceived as one of her best friends, telling her she was right.

"Because… well, the hell with that," Hotch muttered. "I love you, JJ. I'm so in love with you. The idea of you marrying someone else hurts me more than I can say," he said quietly, taking her hand in his.

She blinked.

And blinked once more.

"Come again?"

"I'm sorry. I know the timing's off, and I know it seems impossible right now, but just… God, just give us a chance. You know we could be good together. When Haley died, I thought I'd never feel something like this ever again. And when I realised I loved you, I was terrified. It seemed too soon. But then, Jesus, it felt so right… I wish you could see it, too."

"But you're my boss," she spat. "You've got Jack, I've got Henry, and I'm in a relationship, for pity's sake! This could never, ever, work out, Hotch. We wouldn't be able to work together! Oh God, even this very conversation could seriously hinder our relationship at the BAU. Hotch, having you in my life really means a lot to me. I can't risk it, I just can't even consider it. Ever."

He laughed humourlessly. "Sure you can't," he muttered and left her without a word.

And JJ cried again.

They remained perfectly professional, JJ had to admit, and worked together without any impediments, but they hadn't exchanged a word outside of the bureau ever since that day. Well, with the exception of the Christmas party thing. That, JJ considered a Christmas miracle.

Therefore, as she was standing there, JJ couldn't even be sure he'd take the time to listen. And she wouldn't blame him, not really.

Taking a deep breath, she raised her fist and knocked. And then kept knocking, for hours, it seemed, mindful not to wake up Jack.

She hoped Hotch would hear her.

The door finally opened, with Hotch growling, "What in the living hell could be that important—" and then falling into a stunned silence when he saw JJ on his doorstep.

She knew she must've looked as if she hadn't slept a wink in years and her face must've still been all swollen and gross from her sobbing feasts, but she didn't care; all she could think about was this stunning, brilliant man in front of her and although she wasn't particularly religious, she begged every deity that existed to make him hear her out.

"Jennifer," he said, at last. He never called her Jennifer. "Couldn't it wait until morning? Did you have to wake me up like that? I thought something was wrong," he pointed at the gun he was holding in his left hand.

She chuckled. With the snow falling down on her she knew she was beginning to look like a big, miserable snowman, so she had to be quick about it all.

"I have to tell you something, Hotch."

"Oh, God. Okay, at this hour? This, I gotta hear. Just chop, chop, I'm sure your boys are missing you."

She chose to ignore his biting tone. He had every god damned right to be upset with her, and if he let her, she was willing to spend the rest of her life making all of it up to him.

"Okay, here it goes. I like to think that I'm fearless at work. I am confident, hard-working, and I can take everything working the FBA throws at me. I also pride myself on being able to juggle this career choice with being a mother. I'm a good mother, Hotch, I really am. But other than that… I'm a little lost, a little frightened, and I hate going upstream. And more than anything, I try not to make myself feel vulnerable in front of other people. But I realised that if I don't start taking risks and don't trust my heart, I'll become a miserable, old lady that's wasted her chance.

"You are this chance. You are my chance at happiness. So, I'm standing here, at," JJ glanced at her wrist-watch, "3:45 in the morning, on December 25th, and I'm asking you… Basically, what I'm saying is, I love you and I want you to love me, too. I'll understand if—"

She didn't get to finish her thought.

Hotch closed the distance between them in inhuman speed and crashed his lips against hers. JJ gasped in surprise, because here she'd thought he'd throw her out, and he was kissing her, and she could not waste a second of it because it could – as well – be their first and last kiss. Ever. She recovered seconds later and kissed him back, as if there literally was no tomorrow.

As soon as it began, it was over; Hotch ceased his movements, held her head in his hands for a moment longer, and then took a few steps back.

That was it, JJ thought, that was the end of them. And she had no one but herself to blame.

She should have never tried to play house with Will. She'd done it for Henry, yes, but she should have not dragged it for so long. She shouldn't have disregarded Hotch's feelings so easily. She shouldn't have been such a coward.

Could have, should have, would have.

JJ bit her lip to stop herself from letting out a sob, but she couldn't control the tears that sprang to her eyes.

"I understand," she managed to say, trying to keep her voice steady. She didn't even want to look at him. "I'll leave you alone, then."

"I was going to invite you in, because it's really cold outside." JJ blinked at that. She looked up to see Hotch smiling softly at her and it didn't make sense? Or, perhaps, it did but she just didn't understand what was happening around her anymore?

"What are you saying, Hotch?"

"I'm saying that you can tell me the rest inside. I don't want you to die, now, that you appear to love me." She snorted in a very unladylike fashion. "I mean, I'd never let you die. You know I'd take a bullet for you. But right now it is particularly important that you don't catch your death. I'm rather interested in hearing you out."

JJ nodded and entered his house.

"Is Jack asleep?" She asked.

"Yeah, he's upstairs. He's so excited that the Santa is going to visit him that he had major troubles falling asleep, was up until after midnight. Now he's practically in a coma," Hotch chuckled and JJ couldn't help but melt a bit at the sound of it.

It was insane, she thought. Holding her love at bay, not letting herself see that he was right there, not letting herself feel anything but fear – fear that if she had let him in, her entire life would have been turned upside down. And, it now seemed, all she had to do was be honest. With herself, with Will, with Hotch. Her selfish choices, her blind obstinacy to do the right thing could very well ruin the lives of four people – Henry's, too.

"And tell me, JJ. Where is your boyfriend right now?" Hotch asked, narrowing his brows.

Right, she should probably inform him about the changes that had taken place earlier that night.

"My ex-boyfriend is resting comfortably in our bed, babysitting our son, probably planning their trip to the park in which he'd been meeting with a single mother he has a crush on."

"Will has a crush?"

"We... Will and I, we've been two friends pretending to be lovers for two years now. We lived together and took care of our child. Which we can do as friends, without that 'pretending to be lovers' part. We'll make it work. Together, but not together. Because he wants to be with that woman... and I want to be with you. I really, really do."

Hotch watched her in silence.

"And what caused such a sudden change of heart?" He tilted his head, seemingly still not convinced she wasn't making fun of him.

"Deep, heart-wrenching sadness I have struggled with for the last could of months. And let's say I've done a lot of soul-searching in the past few days, and I know now what I want. And that's you."

Silence. Again.

"I feel like this is a cruel joke," Hotch chuckled humourlessly, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I cannot believe you're here, in the middle of the night, telling me... all this. I can't process that."

"I understand. I'm either too late, or you need some time to think. Should I leave?" JJ asked, feeling absolutely crushed. It was all her fault, and at last, it seemed that she would be spending her Christmas in a fashion her subconscious had inclined.

Great.

She fought. But she lost. She shouldn't feel bad.

"No. Are you crazy? No."

Wait. What?

"You don't want me to go?"

"Absolutely not. I'm not letting you out of my sight, no way in hell."

"Hotch, I don't understand..." She groaned, because she really didn't. He was sending too many mixed signals, and she was really tired, confused, and this night had been very difficult, anyway, so...

"Just because I can't wrap my head around this doesn't mean I don't want it. Are you serious? Are you seriously telling me you love me?"

"I really am." JJ nodded. "I love you."

"And you won't change your mind come dawn?"

"I won't. I'm really sure this is the right thing to do. Will accepts it and supports it. Henry... Henry will adjust. And I want us to try. I want us to have that chance you spoke about."

"I see."

Silence. It was becoming unbearable.

"You know that there will be no turning back when I kiss you again?"

God.

"I know. And I can hardly wait."

"You love me and you won't leave me any time soon?"

"I love you and I won't leave you any time soon," JJ nods, repeating after him, aware of the fact that Hotch has to be explicitly informed about certain things in order to be able to make sense of it. "But, by gods, if you don't kiss me any time soon, I will kick your ass so hard you will spend your Christmas standing up."

"That would suck, I like to sit down when I drink my Scotch."

"Hope you've got some wine left because I hate Scotch."

"How can anyone hate Scotch, though."

"Hotch, I swear to God―"

"Ah, fuck it," he says, closing the distance between them – again – and kissing the daylights out of her.

Again.

Thanks for reading and Merry Christmas!