Chapter 1

The sun creeps through the curtains of the window. It shines across the room, making a hot warpath where it lands and scorches the wooden floor while the rest of the space remains dark and hidden away from the world.

I sit on the edge of the bed, contemplating whether or not it is worth it to rise and face the day as I do any other here lately.

I take a deep breath. I am already awake. There is no point in trying to fall back into some sort of dream world now.

My feet touch the wood, a soft layer of sweat sticks to the floor momentarily as I take each step on my way to the bathroom.

When I'm dressed, I sit at the large wooden table in our kitchen. The other chairs are empty. The room is empty. The house is empty.

I hear the walls creak in the silence as if they are calling out for the life that should be teeming throughout the halls. It is a mournful aching sound that echoes the most in the darkness.

This house is completely empty now, I am the last one left, but it wasn't always so.

I had a family once. A real one with a mother, a father, and an older brother. I loved them. It's not an easy thing to admit because emotions are what can break you down the best, but I loved them.

I loved the way that my mother sang to me in the mornings when she and I were the only ones in the kitchen, with my father and brother gone for the day. Her high toned feminine voice rang throughout the room as her hands were wet with the dishwater in the sink. Old folk songs. Old nursery rhymes. Old memories.

She loved me best, I think. She loved my brother as well of course, but I think that she loved me best because I was her youngest. Her little one. Her baby. I could tell in the way that she spoke to me. The way that she played with me around the house like she was a child herself when no one was looking.

It was different with my father. My brother was always his favorite son. I tried so hard to make him proud, but in the end, I never had a chance. I never had the opportunity to prove myself to him. The last of what he knew of me was a child that was nothing like his elder brother in talent and skill. A weak child. A soft child. A child that hadn't yet shown any potential.

He was strict with all of us, but I believe that was just his way. Just his way of being a shinobi and just his way of being a man that is expected to look brave, calculated, and cold at all times in order to maintain respect in his household and community.

My father preferred my brother and there is no reason that he shouldn't have. The man that was my only sibling was strong and so intelligent that he was deemed a genius at an early age. He knew exactly what was to come in the future and could predict the outcome of every battle. He saw endless possibilities of what could happen next and he planned for each one of them that he saw in his head. He was glorious. He was what I wanted to be.

I loved him most of all. I looked up to him and thought that we'd be together forever. I thought that we'd have a life time to grow and become stronger together. I thought that he would protect me as an older brother should. I see now that in the end he did, although I hadn't thought of it that way until he was no more.

I loved him then, but I love him even more now after all of this. After all of this work and loss and pain. After all of this training and compromising and forced away hatred. After all of this absurdity, I see that I love him more now than I did when I was just a child chasing after him for attention.

He's gone now. They're all gone and I am alone in this big house.

I was so young when most of them disappeared that I can't remember their faces well without looking at the photographs that still adorn the tables in their shiny glass frames.

They were hell to clean up when I returned. Dust covered every inch of the building. Rubble had fallen through and created holes in the walls from when most of the other buildings had been demolished and then later rebuilt. This one hadn't been bothered with, and so I had had to clean it myself.

I shake my head in the silence. It was kind of them to even allow this house to stand after all this time. After all that I've done. After all that I've caused them to lose.

I sigh again and eat my un-sugared cereal. I refuse to cook for myself. Prepackaged food will have to do.

I close my eyes and concentrate on the small noises outside. There are six of them. Six Anbu guards that I could easily take down all at one time. Six men that I could destroy with just the thought to do so. But that's not something that I care to think about trying anymore.

In ways their presence makes me a prisoner, but overall I am a refugee in this place. In this village. In this house. I am free from being forced to desecrate anything that gets in my way. I am free from seeking revenge and justice for anything. I am free to just be.

The guards are always perched outside these walls now. They follow me after me when I walk on the streets. They watch me when I visit the market. They keep their respectful distance when I visit the graves of my family.

There is a fairly recent plot next to my father's. My brother finally rests within the village that he fought too hard to protect, while I am still alive although I had fought just as hard to destroy it. I will lie beside my mother when my time comes to join them.

I am pulled away from my thoughts as a hollow sound beats against the front door. I stand. I suppose that I should answer it because I know that the sound will not stop until I do.

I do not need to open it to know who has come to me this early in the morning. I do not need to bother telling him to go away. It would be futile. It would be pointless. It would be cruel of me.

He visits me every day that he's in the village, at least once. He smiles at me with his wide familiar grin and those bright blue endless eyes. That yellow hair is always catching the sun and blinding me when I focus too much. Those lined scars on his cheeks are more captivating than I will ever tell him.

He reassures me of the friendship that he thinks that we have by placing a hand on my shoulder every now and then. He laughs at his own jokes in order to make me feel comfortable, although I remain silent in my defective sense of humor.

He brings me food and reminds me to eat. He checks me over. Checks my body and my eyes. He checks my temperature with the back of his hand, even though he knows that I know he has no medical training.

He touches me when he gets the chance and pretends that he doesn't notice, but I know that he does it all on purpose. I like to pretend that he just wants to feel my body somehow beneath his hands.

He tells me about his days and his missions. About his thoughts and about the nightmares that he might have had the night before. He tells me about everything in between that he can think of just to keep the conversation going.

And I allow it. I allow it all because in more ways than I can count, I owe it to him. I am in debt to him and so I tolerate all of his behavior because I know that it makes him happy. It makes him feel fulfilled and it makes him feel like all that he has done for me hasn't been a waste.

Even I know that he's wasted more time on me than he should have even thought about before. He's given up so much just to make sure that I didn't end up dead or locked away in some concrete cell. He's allowed so much to slip away from him just to have me stand beside him.

I owe him and so I allow him anything that he asks of me.

But even so, I don't mind. I don't mind at all. I enjoy it. His company allows me to forget about how lonely I am in this life and tricks me into thinking that there is more to all of this than just feeling empty and unaccomplished.

I like it when he moves close enough to me so that I can smell the salty tang of sweat over his tanned skin. So that I can feel the heat radiating from his body. So that I can judge the solidity of his muscles of his frame.

I like it when he looks at me as if he still can't believe that I'm here. That I'm in this village and in his presence. I like how that look is just for me.

I like when he commands me to try a bite of his food and when he holds it out to me on his chopsticks, attempting to feed me. I like the way he smiles when I open my mouth to accept it.

I like how he comes to me to bandage his wounds after training or a difficult mission. I like the way he trusts me enough to be the one to fix him.

I like it all because it helps me not feel so alone. It helps me pretend that he forgives me for everything that I've done to him.

He says that he forgives me, although I've never verbally apologized. I've never been sorry with my words, but I try to let him know that I am in other ways.

I am sorry in the way that I make him tea, ever so carefully. Wanting it to taste perfect. I am sorry in the way that I voluntarily sit next to him at the table. Something that I would never have done before. I am sorry in the way that I give him a small smile when he least expects it. Meaning to light up his eyes. I am sorry in the way that I tell him to come back the next day. To let him know that I don't mind if he comes around.

I never say it, but I know that he understands. The two of us were always like that, always knowing what the other wanted or felt without verbal communication. It's what made us able to work so well together on a team, but made me close myself up to him as I did.

I didn't want him to see what was underneath the mask that I showed the world. I didn't want him to know how vulnerable I was. I didn't want him to suspect that he was the only person I really considered my friend.

I open the door with my pale hands and stand back to allow him to enter. There he is, just as I expect him to be. He is dressed in his gear. He must have a mission today.

The sun passes over his face and he holds a hand up to his forehead to shade his line of vision. When he catches sight of me he smiles just as I knew he would. I am feeling generous today. I smile back at him.

He walks through the door way and takes off his shoes before entering the house. He is always respectful like that, although strangers wouldn't expect him to be.

He walks with me to the kitchen where he sees my empty bowl on the table.

"Oh you already ate, Teme? I thought we could go out to get something together since I'm going to be gone for a few days," he says as he lightly frowns.

I hate it when he frowns. It's not a look that suits him. I walk a few inches closer to him.

"It's fine, I can eat more," I tell him in the hushed tone I've taken to using since my return.

His lips lift and the frown is forgotten.

"You will be gone for a few days?" I ask.

I hate it when he goes away, although I pretend that I don't care. He doesn't know that I do, but he pretends that I do. It's a strange sort of thing for the two of us to pretend. He thinks that I don't care but he wants me to, and so he tries to convince himself that I sit here waiting for him to return, hopelessly devoted and lonely without him. he over exaggerates it, but he doesn't understand that it's real. And I, and I pretend that it is completely untrue, just to save myself some dignity.

I have a feeling that he will one day be able to see through it all and realize that I really do wait around for him, counting the days and giving into the anticipation. But for now, I have decided that I will keep him thinking that I don't even notice his absence.

"Yeah, I'll be gone for a few days. Ten at max. It's supposed to be a hard one. The target, I mean. He's got this scroll that we have to retrieve, but he keeps himself constantly surrounded by body guards. The trick is getting it without killing anyone," he tells me as he pulls the wooden chair away from the table to sit down.

I follow his lead and sit in my own chair next to him. As I am getting situated, I accidentally bump my shoulder and arm into his. He doesn't seem to mind, although he watches me until I am settled.

"Who will be on your team this time?" I ask.

What team he is placed on is essential. I need to know that his teammates are going to make sure that he gets back to the village safely.

"Sai and this new recruit," he says.

"The imposter will be a good asset, but will the other one know what he's doing?" I want to know.

It has been such a long time since I first learned that Sai had taken my place with my old team, but still I haven't been able to let it go, even after the four of them were no longer a team.

"Oh come on Sas', you can't keep calling him that!" he says with a laugh.

"As far as I can see, he is an imposter. He looks like me and you replaced me with him. He is nothing more than a doppelganger," I say, trying to sound cold and as if it only bothers me because I was replaced in general, not because I've been jealous all this time.

"Ok, first off, we didn't replace you. At least I didn't. I made it very clear to him when we first met that it was your spot on the team and he was only temporary until you got back. We wouldn't have had to find another member for our team if you had stayed with us to begin with. Second, he doesn't look like you, not really. I mean, he's got the dark hair and pale skin thing going on, but other than that he doesn't. And even then, his hair's not as shiny and doesn't have the blue tint to it that yours does and his face isn't as-," he tells me, cutting himself off at the end.

For some reason the possibilities of what he might say have my heart pounding in my ears. I don't understand why.

"His face isn't as, what?" I ask him with my usual smirk in place.

His own face has turned pink and I know that I have embarrassed him in some way. My heart beats louder at the knowledge.

"Uh, I was just gonna say that his face isn't as ugly as yours," he says quickly and i can tell by the way he looks away from me, that it was not what he was going to say originally.

"Oh really? If you hadn't noticed Dobe, just about every girl in this place disagrees with you, so either you have really bad eye sight or you're lying," I tell him.

He looks back at me with an almost blank stare. It holds just a hint of wonder and I start to feel uncomfortable. I let my smirk vanish and watch him.

He remains silent. He is usually overwhelmingly loud and so I become uncomfortable.

"What?" I say to slice into the quiet.

"You're right, I don't think you're ugly, Sasuke," he says in a somber sort of tone as he looks away from me.

My heart shouldn't pound like this. It shouldn't chime like the grinding gears of a mechanical instrument, not because of this. Not because he has said something in a manner so unlike his natural one. Not because he has admitted defeat on something that the both of us could have just as easily let go to fall away from the light and land in the darkness of all of the forgotten things we've said to one when we were young. Not because he isn't taunting me or looking for a small teasing fight like I had expected.

It shouldn't beat like this. It's not like he called me something as bold as beautiful or anything close to the word. He just simply stated that he doesn't think that I'm unattractive. It shouldn't effect me like this. I can not stop the confusion from taking me over momentarily.

I am confused as to why I am having this sort of reaction. It was a comment so small, it shouldn't have echoed throughout me this way. He is my childhood friend. My left behind teammate. my once closest ally. And he still remains my greatest rival. We are nothing like the sounding of my heart makes it feel like we are.

Its erratic rhythm makes it seem as if he has shown me some small bit of affection. Makes me feel like there's a deeper reason that he touches me so often. Why he smiles at me in that big grinning way. Why he looks at me with something akin to longing every so often.

I take a deep breath and force myself to cut all those threaded connections that I have imagined in half. I have severed them. I will move on.

"What, are you jealous of me, Dobe?" I ask him to tease.

It has never been a secret that as a child, he was always jealous of me. jealous of my skills. of my looks. Of my ability to gain positive attention from all of our peers and most of the adults. Of my involuntary heart capture of the girl that he was in love with.

I scoff at myself internally. I don't want to think of her right now, it aches too much, but I cannot help myself. she has already invaded my conscious thoughts.

She used to follow me home in the afternoons after our classes at the academy. She was always in my line of vision, watching me, her green eyes never allowing me out of her sight. She'd smile brightly and do the tricks that she thought would catch my attention. Her silky pink hair would fall over her shoulders before she'd decide to curl a shiny lock around her index finger as she looked over at me with a pout.

She was utterly infatuated with me and I wanted nothing to do with her, or anyone. she thought that she had to have me and for years she surrounded herself in a delusion that I would one day realize that I loved her and would marry her to continue on clan. She was wrong, but it didn't stop her. she needed me back in this place so that she could be one step closer to making it all a reality.

I don't blame her now, not really. I've come to learn that when you want something so bad but you understand that it's most like unobtainable, you try as hard as possible to convince yourself that it is, just to keep you going. Just to keep on having a goal. just to keep yourself from realizing that your dreams will never come true. I understand why she believed it all, I have been there before.

I understand her now, but I didn't before. not when we were kids, not when they were chasing after me, and not the last time that she declared her undying love for me. I didn't know why she lived in a fantasy world or why she didn't understand that I didn't love her, so I was cruel to her. I was completely horrendous to her and I am ashamed at the way I treated her.

When it was all over and the decision about my fate was made, she had come to me. told me that she still loved me. that she still needed me. that she still wanted me to make me her bride, even after all of my harshness towards her, and I publically rejected her.

I had told her callously that I didn't want her and that she wasn't good enough for me. that she could never be enough for me, no matter how many things she changed about herself. I had told her that she was only good for bed things, if even that.

I'm not attracted to her, not like that. she's beautiful, one of the most beautiful girls that I've met in my lifetime, but I don't want her in that way. I never did. I never wanted any woman that I've known. But it didn't stop me from saying something so cruel, to imply that she would be good enough to go to bed with but not to marry.

My mouth was malicious and it reduced her to tears. I could almost see her coming apart at the seams as her pretty eyes filled up with water and she started to smell like salt and sweat. I broke her, and not only did I shatter her inflated ego, I had done so infront of all of the people that had gathered around to watch us.

We stood in the center of a makeshift circle, all eyes on the pair of us. All the girls of the village that wanted to be my potential suitors watched our drama play out. My chakra resistant shackles clanged together softly as I moved my wrists. My hair had been matted in the back and fell long over one side of my face, shielding my right eye. My clothes had been dirty and soiled from battle, blood, and captivity within concrete walls.

I had been a disgusting figure beside her petite girlish figure. Beside her neatly combed candy hair. her clean shiny nails. Her small soft mouth. Her smooth ironed dress. I was a battered beast beside her, and still I had the nerve to ridicule her affections. And I acted the part of a beast perfectly.

She hadn't come around for months afterward. After I had embarrassed her like that. after I had taken away her popularity in front of the women of the village that had surrounded us in that circle.

She had refused to speak to me for a long time, and I couldn't hold it against her. I had known all along that what I had done was wrong, I just couldn't help myself. I was too angry. I was too mad that she hadn't been listening to me all of those years. she had ignored my straight forward dislike of her so many times that I couldn't keep from insulting her the way that I had.

Her not talking to me didn't bother me, to be honest. When we were children, she was a good teammate because she was smart and she knew how to follow directions. But even so, when she spoke, it felt like she didn't really have anything useful to say. To complete missions and be able to injure your enemies you need to grow up at least a little, and she managed to remain a child through it all when the rest of us, even him, had become mature. She still lived within her small perfect world of girly sweet things, while we were fighting the darkness around us to get our job done.

It didn't bother me that she remained silent with me, but it did increase the guilt that I felt. In the past, I rarely felt guilt over the things that I did because I always felt that I had a valid reason for doing them, even if they left people broken like the sea shells you find where the ocean meets the sand. I never went back on any of the decisions that I made, besides the ones I had made about the things that I did to my rival, but I wanted to take the pain that I caused her back. I wanted to erase it from her memory and keep on going like it never occurred. And the more she stayed away, the more I let it hurt me.

She hasn't forgiven me yet and I doubt that she ever will. Like with him, I have never told her that I'm sorry. But I have never shown her either. I am sorry, but not for what I know that she wants me to be for. I am sorry that I embarrassed her and I am sorry that I insulted her with the topic of sex. I am sorry about the particular ragged words that I had used and I am sorry that I didn't wait to reject her in private. But I will never feel remorse for not loving her, and that is her problem, I think.

She wants me to tell her that I regret rejecting her all together. I know that she wants me to someday give her a wholehearted apology stating that she was the one love that I let get away from me and that I can not live another second without her by my side. It's an egotistical assumption, I know, but I also know that it's true. I know her enough to know that that's what she wants. She will not get it.

She comes around every now and again, never alone though. she comes along with him, or with our sensei. I think she's afraid of me now. Afraid of what I can do to her to break her down even further. I don't plan on ever doing such a thing again unless it's necessary. Unless she gets in the way of something that may make me happy. If I ever finally fall in love with someone and she tries to damage any piece of it. I have thought this through. I am prepared for such an occurrence.

When she comes, she stays at least four feet away from me, but she still scans my body as she did when we were younger. She's still attracted to me, she is not afraid of it being obvious. Perhaps she still clings to that sliver of hope that she must have in her somewhere. She stares at my face and at my bare chest when it's unclothed. She blinks rapidly in attempt to flutter her eyelashes as girls do when trying to attract a mate. She brings me food that she's prepared and tells me that she's an excellent cook each time.

Sensei tells me that she would be a good wife. She is beautiful and strong. prestigious in her work. Has excellent medical training. Has a charismatic way about her. is willing to be used for the revival of my clan. is ready to have as many children for me as her small body would allow. Is begging for my attention. Is open to my coldness. I bluntly disagree with him each time and he laughs aloud. he doesn't mean it as an honest suggestion, although what he says are not lies. She will make a lovely wife for someone else eventually.

I push the thought of her away. she's not important right now. I let out another deep breath and wait for his retort, which I know is sure to come.

He looks away from me again and focuses on the floor as he mumbles almost intelligible.

"Not jealous of you, jealous of everyone else," he says and I don't know if I've heard him correctly.

"What do you mean?" I ask and by the way he quickly looks up, I can tell that he hadn't intended for me to hear what he said.

"I don't know what I mean, just forget it. let's go eat something together, cuz' I have to leave soon," he tells me and for a moment I am disappointed that he doesn't answer my question, but I am mostly relieved.

I am relieved that I don't have to deal with what ever he might have said. since my return to this place we haven't exactly spoken about the past and about all of the pain that I've caused him over time, but the knowledge that it all happened before is still there and I'm sure that it would have again become apparent in whatever direction his answer would have gone. I am not ready for such a serious interaction in this moment. I do not want him thinking of anything hurtful before he leaves on this difficult mission.

I feel the overwhelming need for him to return to me. I need him to come back and I need him to be alright. This is not the time to think about the reasons why.

"Alright," I agree with him as I lift myself out of my chair and stand while he does the same. We are in close proximity. He bumps into me as I did when we first sat down. His shoulder collides hard into mine and it moves my body back an inch from my position. I put my hands out in front of me as a reaction.

"Oh, sorry Sas'," he apologizes and I only nod to tell him that I forgive him.

His mood has dampened and I cannot figure out why. It is not something that I want to linger throughout our time together and so I try to make it better, fix it, as we walk to the food stand of his choice. The anbu follow close behind, although they are hidden from the civilians' sight.

"Who is the new recruit that will be on your mission?" I ask him.

"Ah, she's this new girl that just started out a few months ago. She's awfully young for a hard mission like this, but Baa-Chan says that she's right for the job, so we just have to go with it. I've met her a few times before, she's not bad. She's funny and not bad looking. She's got really pretty eyes, bright brown ones," he tells me and I feel a pang of something deep in my stomach.

"So you think she's attractive? Instead of saying anything about her abilities or talents, you comment on her looks? I can tell that you're going to let yourself be distracted, Dobe," I say, trying to sound playful, although meaning it all.

"Hey! I'm not that easily distracted by a pretty face, Sasuke-bastard," he tells me and I can sense that what I've said is most likely true and he knows it.

"Right. So you weren't distracted at all by Sakura during missions when we were younger?" I ask in order to prove my point.

"That was different," he says and I am expecting more, but nothing comes.

"How was that different? You couldn't focus for anything on the mission when she was around half of the time," I say.

"It was different because I thought that I was in love with her, you know that, and plus we were really young. You know, hormones and all that," he says and for some reason his answer hurts a bit. I am unable to tell if it is because the subject of her is brought up again within my head or because he so blatantly admits aloud that he once loved her without any restraint or embarrassment that I would have expected.

And then I look away from him, my attempts to tease him have fallen away to be forgotten. I thought that he still loved her, I wasn't aware that things had changed.

"You thought?" I ask. I feel like I need a valid answer.

"Yeah, I thought that I did, but it was just an infatuation I guess. I figured that you already knew that. at least i always assumed that's why you never took my 'love for her' very seriously," he tells me.

For some reason I am relieved. For some reason the twisting knot in my stomach has lessened.

"No, I never took your 'love for her' seriously because she didn't," I tell him and for a quick second I see his face fall and then pick back up. I feel guilty that I have offended him in some way.

"You're right, she didn't like me back because she was in love with you instead," he said, trying hard to smile.

"Don't be too disappointed, Dobe. She doesn't love me anymore," I say, trying to make him feel better.

"That's only because you were an asshole to her. She told me that she loved me once, you know? I didn't believe her then, but I do now," he told me and then the knot retightened.

"Why don't you marry her then?" I asked, fearing the answer he would give.

He looks away from and down to his hands that I know to be strong and worn before looking back up to me and answering my question.

"I told you, I don't love her anymore and she's not the one for me. All this time I thought that she was, but I was wrong. Besides, I don't want to be with someone that only decided that she liked me after I proved my worth. I want to be with someone that has loved me all along and will love me no matter what happens, whether I'm a dirt poor orphan with a fox in my stomach or a strong shinobi that's saved the village a bunch of times. I've learned over the years that real love has nothing to do with your accomplishments. It should come easy and from the start, and that's not how it is with Sakura-Chan," he tells me.

For some reason I am relieved. I don't understand why, but I can't deny that a heavy feeling washed away from me with his words.

"I'm surprised that you were able to push how you felt about her aside to look at how she really is. it's not like you to think things through like that," I say, but I know that I am wrong.

He has changed so much since we were children fighting over who could run up the tree the highest during training. He is now stronger than me, although I will never tell him that and will continue to claim that I will always be better than him. he is now dependable and intelligent, assessing the situation before taking action. He is still as spontaneous as ever, but only in his personality and not in battle.

I don't know why I've said something like that. I've implied that he is still just as irrational and naïve as he's always been and I know that's not true.

I have hurt him. I can see it in his face and the way that it has fallen. For the second time today, I have dampened his mood.

"Well, it's not like you to be so nice to me either, but youre able to have calm conversations with me now without letting the madness seep through or trying to electrocute me," he says, trying to hurt my feelings and cut me deep with the fact of how unkind I used to treat him. with how I had been briefly overcome with insanity for a period of time. at how I was hell to be around for such a long time.

The words have their effect and I feel damaged, but I still try hard to think of something that can salvage the conversation. Something that will make him less bitter with me.

I internally scold myself, it is always me that tends to ruin things between the two of us no matter how hard I try to be on my best behavior for him.

"It's because I've only just realized that there is actual value to the things that you say. You're far more clever than you look," I say.

"Yeah, well you would have realized that a lot sooner if you'd only have listened to me from the beginning," he says, avoiding my face.

There is nothing I can say but admit defeat. I owe it to him to submit to things like this.

"I know," I tell him truthfully, trying to catch his blue eyes in my own.

He looks up at me and seems to be just as relieved as I was earlier.

"Will you listen to me from now on, Teme?" he asks.

I keep a straight face as I answer him so that maybe he will understand that I am being honest.

"I will, and I already do," I tell him and mean it to be a promise.

He smiles at me then, and I think that perhaps he understood the meaning.

We continue on to his favorite restaurant where the old man and his beautiful daughter greet us. He speaks about his upcoming missions and the days he plans on taking off for vacation upon his return.

I wonder for a few moments if he will spend those days with me or someone else.

We eat our food in silence. This is unusual. Normally he speaks so much his food falls out of the side of his mouth. the quiet is a strange feeling that I decide I do not want to get used to.

I sigh aloud. there was once a time that I valued silence above all else. that all I wanted was to be surrounded by quiet darkness. I decide that it's a funny thing for me to want the opposite, but somehow things are different with him.

Long ago, I thought that I couldn't stand the sound of his voice and his nonsensical ramblings, but these days I long for his nonstop spouting of words. I can't explain it, nor will I ever be able to describe this change in me.

When we finish eating and he pays the bill. He is always paying for me these days. it should make me feel helpless or prideful to have someone spending their money on me, my clan has left me enough of it, but it doesn't. instead it makes me feel as if he's taking care of me and that's a feeling that I've only just gotten used to.

Since I've lost my parents, no one has really taken care of me. my brother tried to without me knowing it, but I didn't understand and I wouldn't allow anything from him. so I spent my days lonely and trying to be strong enough to take care of myself. when he pays for my food or opens the door for me, I feel as if he's making up for all the times I've had to do it myself.

We leave the ramen restaurant and he walks me back to my empty house. he leaves me at the door and steps a few inches away from me.

"I'll see you later, Sas'," he says and smiles at me.

I realize that I am reluctant to let him leave. Suddenly I feel heavy again and like my chest is being squeezed by some invisible force.

As shinobi, it is a subliminal message and common knowledge that our loved ones will someday not return to the village or make it through a mission. It is something that we have to live with as the price for being so skilled and powerful. I myself have almost died countless times on missions with him by my side and tasks all on my own. it is nothing new to fear, but still I can't help myself in this moment.

"Be careful," I tell him and mean it as a command. I feel afraid that he won't return and I will be alone. I don't know why I feel this way.

He is one of the village's strongest shinobi, he will be fine and I shouldn't feel this way, but I do and I don't know how to stop the aching feeling in my chest. I have this irrational fear that he won't come back. that I won't ever see him again. That I won't ever get to see him smile or laugh again in that childish way from my memories.

He looks surprised by my response, perhaps pleased even. I do not usually show affection in my words and I have caught him off guard. He is unused to it and I like the expression that I has come over his face.

"I'll try to be. Don't worry, I'll be back soon," he says as if he can read my mind and I believe him. I believe that he always tries his best.

I don't know what else to say so I only nod once and observe him turn to leave.

I watch as his back fades out of my view in the opposite direction of me and realize for the first time that this must be what he felt when our roles were reversed. I now understand the pain of worry and anxiety that he must have felt knowing htat there was a possiblility that we would never see each other again as I purposefully ran away from him.

I decide that I will tell him that I now understand the way things used to be between us as I ran off to complete my goals without him. it will make me seem weak, but I think that perhaps he will appreciate that I have come to understand how we were.