Hey guys! I'm sorry I haven't posted anything in a while. So this is a MAJOR crack!fic and it's really perverted and I'm sorry but I'm SO sleep deprived.
All the amazingly funny lines are probably from ouat_heat on Instagram bc that account is where I got the idea to write this.
Again, sleep deprived.
Enjoy! Don't forget to review!
...
...
Emma smirked as she heard the door to the station open, getting off of the very uncomfortable bed (I mean, seriously — you'd think that since she was the sheriff she would've at least gotten a bed that didn't feel like you were sleeping on bricks) and made her way to the bars.
She latched her hands around two of them and peered out between them as Regina and Ruby came into view.
"Nice to see you again, Rubes," Emma purred, and the younger brunette peered up at Emma.
"I can't say the same for you."
"Oh, come on," Emma said, pushing away from the bars and winking as she spun around. "You don't like the new look?"
"You're better as a blonde."
"Don't be so hostile, Rubes. I haven't seen you in what seems like ages. Show your old friend a little sympathy, yeah? I've been through a lot since you left. Where did you go, by the way? You kind of just disappeared on us."
Ruby shook her head. "I don't— I don't know. I just sort of went to the Enchanted Forest. But seriously, Em, you look like Granny with that hair." She raised an eyebrow, taking a step towards the older woman. She brought her hands up to the bars and said quietly, but loud enough so that Regina could hear.
"Except you're way hotter. This whole Dark One thing is really doing it for you. The sultry voice, the tight leather. I'm surprised Mayor Mills hasn't jumped your bones yet."
She felt Regina's eyes staring daggers into the back of her head, "Miss Lucas, if you're done conversing with our criminal, I'd like to have a few words with her."
"Of course, Mayor Mills." Ruby stepped away from the jail cell as Regina took a step forwards, and Emma smiled at her.
"Hello, Regina."
"Miss Swan, why didn't you just magic yourself out of here? You are the Dark One."
Emma shrugged nonchalantly. "You have the dagger and I know that if I left you'd just use it on me and tell me to stay." She smirked. "Plus, I like to humor you, Your Majesty."
Regina ignored her.
"Are you here to get me out?" Emma asked, her voice sultry.
"You disregarded the laws of this town, Miss Swan. Just because you're the Dark One doesn't mean you can break the laws and kill as many people as you want and get away scotch-free."
Emma chuckled. She loved getting under Regina's skin. The older woman was so hot when she was angry; she was just hot in general.
"The only crime I'll commit is steal your heart, Your Majesty."
Regina held Emma's gaze as the blonde smiled cheekily at her and the brunette licked her lips.
"Deputy Lucas, let her out," the brunette said without breaking Emma's gaze.
The keys jangled as Ruby unlocked the door, swinging it open and allowing Emma to walk out before shutting it again.
"Thank you, Madam Mayor." Emma's fingertips grazed the mayor's hips as she walked by, causing the older woman to gasp quietly.
"Miss Swan, if you'll come with me please." She spun around and strut towards the hallway, Emma not far behind, and she threw over her shoulder, "Thank you for your assistance, Deputy."
"I've got to repay you somehow for getting me out of there," Emma rasped out, catching up to Regina as they made it outside and started down the sidewalk.
"I'm the mayor, it didn't take much but a simple request from the deputy. There's nothing to repay me for."
"But the others who have been arrested... Leroy, Ingrid. You never just let them out without another word. What if the midget starts a riot?"
"Against the Dark One? I highly doubt that will happen, dear. Besides, I couldn't just leave you in there. You could walk out at any moment. I wouldn't want you coming after me for locking you up."
"It wasn't the first time, Madam Mayor." Emma raised an eyebrow and smirked. "Are you saying you're scared of me?"
Regina gasped incredulously. "Not in the slightest! That's absurd. I'm not scared of anyone."
"You're scared of how attracted you are to me."
Regina's head snapped to look at Emma and she stopped midstride. "You're crazy." She kept walking.
"I know how I can repay you," Emma said, running up to her and falling into stride with her.
"Mm. And how's that, dear?" Regina asked as she opened the door to Granny's and held it open for Emma to enter.
"I can be your slave for the day."
Regina raised an eyebrow curiously and asked archly, "What kind of slave?"
She winked, walking into Granny's. "Any kind of slave you want, Madam Mayor."
X
"She was basically a horny puppy. She was following me around all night and kept sticking her hand down my pants."
Charming and Snow stared at Regina with wide, alarmed eyes.
"Regina, I—"
"THAT'S PORN."
"Snow, honey, calm down—"
"POOOOOORN. IT'S PORN."
"Snow, you insipid fool, we didn't—"
"LESBIAN PORN. YOU WANT TO... YOU WANT TO PENCIL MY DAUGHTER."
"I think you mean scissor."
"AGHHHHHH."
"I don't know what 'penciling' is, but I imagine it would be very painful."
"Snow, calm down before you have a panic attack. Regina didn't say that Emma—"
"OUR DAUGHTER IS A LESBIAN."
"Snow! She is not—"
"Regina, I wouldn't try. There's nothing you can do when she gets like this—"
"ITS PORN. CORN. PORN CORN. OUR DAUGHTER LIKES WOMEN. SHE'S PORN WITH MY STEP MOM."
"I think I'm going to leave before things get worse... Or before I shut your wife up with another sleeping spell."
"Yes I think it's best that you leave."
"REGINA'S PORN WITH EMMA."
"I'm leaving."
...
...
"I heard Snow yelling from across town. Are you doing porn with that Swan girl?"
Regina glared to Robin, an annoyed look on her face.
"Nothing happened between Emma and I. Snow was overreacting and—"
"Did you video it? Because if so, may I borrow it? I'll pay you."
Regina slapped him and he smirked, holding his face. "Oooh, kinky. I hope you did that to Emma."
"You're a disgusting pig."
"Oh you dirty talk too. How come you never did any of that with me?"
Regina began to walk away, and Robin called after her, "How about you do the right thing and help a friend? I've been having troubles with um... My kingly parts."
"Peasant. You have peasant parts."
"Come on, 'Gina. You don't have to make this personal."
She turned around, glaring at him and yelling, "HOW ABOUT YOU DO THE RIGHT THING AND GO FUCK YOURSELF OFF A CLIFF?"
Robin blinked.
Regina sighed and brushed her skirt, turning around and sashaying her way out of Granny's diner.
"Oooh. Kinky."
...
...
Regina sighed heavily, glaring up at David and Snow from the paperwork on her desk.
"What do you two idiots want?"
"Snow has something she would like to say to you," David said. When the meek woman didn't say anything, he nudged her with his shoulder. "Snow..."
She mumbled something incoherent, and Regina huffed.
"You're going to have to speak up, dear. I don't speak Idiot."
"I SAID I'M SORRY THAT YOU'RE A LESBIAN."
"SNOW! We talked about this! All good things, all good things."
Regina stared at her incredulously.
"Fine," Snow huffed like the immature child she is. "I'm sorry that I said it was porn."
Regina stared up at her. "Don't apologize for the truth, dear."
"OHMYGOD."
"Regina! Was that really necessary?"
"Yes. It was."
"SING ME A SONG AND MAKE IT BETTER CHARMING. SING ME A SONG," Snow wailed.
"My anaconda don't, my anacon—"
"MY ANACONDA DON'T WANT NONE BECAUSE IT'S PORN."
"Charming," Regina soothed, "I started this. Let me handle it."
"O— okay," he said hesitantly.
"Roses are red, violets are blue. I was born beautiful, what happened to you?"
Snow immediately stopped her banshee screams and stared at Regina with watery eyes and a wobbling bottom lip.
She punched Regina square in the jaw.
"I am hot. Charming tells me so every day," she said, lifting her head up triumphantly.
"Well Charming also lies."
"WAAAAAAH!"
She ripped her clothes off and both Regina's and Charming's eyes widened incredulously. She opened the window behind Regina's desk and jumped out, screaming as she streaked across the backyard of Town Hall.
Regina busted out laughing and Charming kept blinking and Snow's white-as-snow ass disappeared around the corner.
"What are you two looking at?"
"Your mother running around in the nude," Regina said without turning around.
"WHAT. I've got to see this," Emma said, running up to the window to stand beside David and Regina. They all started laughing at the exact same time when Snow started running in circles around a tree.
Emma grabbed her phone and snapped a picture, and David stared at her.
"Emma what are you doing?"
"Posting this on Twitter and Instagram. Why be evil if you can't take advantage of it?"
"You have Instagram and Twitter?" Regina asked curiously.
"And tumblr."
"Tumblr is for gay people," Regina said.
"And you know this how?" Emma asked, looking at her.
"Because I have a tumblr."
"I KNEW IT!" Snow shouted from outside. "REGINA'S A LESBIAN, REGINA'S A LESBIAN," she said in a sing-song manner as she skipped around the tree.
Everyone ignored her.
"What's your username?"
"reginamilfs. Yours?"
"sexydarkone."
"Well that's original. I'm not sure Rumple would be very happy about that."
"Eh," Emma shrugged. "He's not the Dark One anymore so he can suck my dick."
"Oh," Charming mumbled.
"HEY MOM WHEN YOU GET ON INSTAGRAM TONIGHT, DEFINITELY DO NOT LOOK AT THE HASHTAG 'STREAKINGSNOW.'"
"EMMA WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?"
"POSSIBLY JUST MADE YOU INTERNET FAMOUS," Emma replied.
"You're incorrigible," Regina chuckled beside her.
"No, I'm evil-ly."
Regina chuckled. "So you're a dwarf now?"
"You remind me a lot of my cousin," Emma said randomly, furrowing her eyebrows.
"Emma, you don't have a—"
"How?" Regina interrupted David.
"I want to fuck you so bad, but I know I can't."
Regina quirked an eyebrow and smirked.
"Um... I'm right here guys," Charming said awkwardly.
"IT'S PORN!" They heard Snow yell.
"OUR DAUGHTER IS STILL INNOCENT IN MY EYES, SNOW!" David yelled back at her.
"She looks so innocent, she looks so sweet," Regina began, and both David and Emma looked at her. "But as long as I have a face, you will always have a seat."
Emma's face instantly dropped and she stared at Regina.
"I think that you two probably need to get rid of some sexual tension," Charming said beside them.
"Tell me, Charming..." Regina said, turning to look at him. "Is being stupid a profession or are you just gifted?"
That instantly shut him up.
"Well. Um. I'm going to go get my wife, take her home, and get some clothes on her."
"Good idea," Emma said.
"SNOW LET'S GO HOME!" David yelled out the window.
"I'LL RACE YOU!" She said before taking off running down the streets, wailing like a police siren.
"Oh god..." David groaned.
"Are you sure she's not on drugs?" Emma asked.
"Yes, I'm sure." He raised an eyebrow. "Well. Not entirely."
"You better go catch your monkey, Charming," Regina commented. "And I need to get back to work."
Charming rolled his eyes as he hopped out the window and followed after his wife.
"I need to go do... Stuff."
"Stuff," Regina quirked an eyebrow. "Such as?"
"Evil-ly... Stuff."
"M'kay," Regina nodded, chuckling. "You go do that."
...
...
"I thought you said you worked until five!" David groaned.
"If that's true, how is it that you accomplished absolutely nothing?"
"Because I was too busy watching my step daughter run around naked like a drunken idiot," she deadpanned.
Snow glared at her and Regina sighed.
"We want the truth, Regina. No lies," Snow said.
"I did stay at work until five, but for the last hour I was just taking naked pictures on my desk for Emma."
"REGINA! WE DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW THAT."
"You did say we wanted the truth, honey..."
"CHARMING SHUT THE HELL UP! WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON ANYWAYS?!"
"Yours, honey..." He relented.
"You are gross, Regina. I didn't want to imagine you sitting on top of your desk taking nudies."
"Oh hush, Snow. We all three know you're soaking wet just thinking about it."
Snow looked away and blushed profusely.
"Snow, is this true? Are you—"
"I'M HERE MOTHERFUCKERS." The door knob hit the wall behind the door as Emma strut in and shut the door with a flick of her wrist.
"Emma, language," Snow chided.
"I'm the Dark One, bitch. I do what I want."
"Don't speak to your mother like that, Emma," Charming said.
"Shut up, McDreamy. I'm thinkin.'"
Regina gasped. "Emma Swan is... Thinking? Are you feeling alright?"
"Fuck you, Regina."
"We all know you'd like to..." Snow mumbled.
"Fuck you too, Mom."
"Please don't," Regina commented.
"YOU KNOW WHAT REGINA MILFS," Emma said, and Regina rolled her eyes at the use of her tumblr username, "YOU MAKE ME WANT TO JUST DROWN MYSELF IN THE SEA."
"Uh..." Regina stared at her awkwardly.
"Your pus-sea."
"That was the lamest thing I've ever heard," Regina said. "And I want you to fuck me."
"Oh I will. Later."
"STOP!" Snow cried. "LESBIANS ARE GROSS."
"Snow, do you know why Eve took a bite of the forbidden fruit?"
"... Because God told her not to and she was rebellious?"
"No. Because it tasted better than Adam's banana. Eve was a lesbian. So am I and so is your daughter. Deal with it."
"I... I'm not saying I'm a lesbian," Emma defended. "I'm just saying that every time Regina walks by I just want to scissor her."
"Your uneducated mother apparently thinks that we 'pencil.'"
"Ouch. What's that?" Emma asked.
"I don't know," Regina shrugged.
Snow huffed. "Must I educate the lesbians about lesbian things? Penciling is when two women interlock their open legs and rub their clits together."
"That was very crass and inappropriate, Snow!" Regina gasped.
"Mom that's scissoring."
"That doesn't even make sense! Your legs are the pencils and—"
"Regina's legs are not like pencils. They're more like an Oreo cookie. I just want to spread them and eat the good stuff in the middle."
"Oh my god."
"Does that turn you on Regina? You want me to spread your legs and eat you like an—"
"ENOUGH," Snow said.
"I'm hungry. Regina, you want to go grab a bite at Granny's?"
"I would love to, Emma. Thank you for the offer. But just so you know, it's not a date. I'm... Sort of not with Robin, sort of am."
"I don't like Robin. But I can still be your friend and be there for you," Emma said. "And sometimes get drunk and fuck you."
Regina raised an eyebrow. "Maybe we can have dessert at my house."
"Oreo cookies?" Emma asked hopefully.
"Oreo cookies," Regina confirmed.
...
...
"You ok, Killian?" Robin asked as he sat down in a barstool beside the pirate. "You seem a little down."
"Of course, why wouldn't I be?" He chuckled. "Because Charming dumped me so that he could 'remain loyal' that hoe Snow?
"Yes I am mad. Heartbroken actually. I trusted him. I even let him top when we were fucking at the station."
Robin stared at him with furrowed eyebrows and a slightly disgusted yet slightly intrigued look on his face.
"And aboard the Jolly Rodger..." He continued. "In the forest... In the library... Even in Emma's bug." Robin grabbed Killian's beer and quickly chugged the rest of it; he needed it.
"OHMYGOD." Emma stood up and ran towards the duo, Regina not far behind. "SO THAT'S WHY THERE WAS A GIANT CUT IN THE BACKSEAT. YOU FUCKERS."
"Hey there," Granny scolded. "This is a well-paying establishment. Language."
"IS THAT WHAT THAT HUGE GASH IN MY DAD'S SIDE WAS THAT HE SAID WAS FROM A TREE BRANCH."
"I sort of forgot I didn't have a hand," Hook blushed.
"YOU GUYS ARE NASTY. REGINA WE ARE LEAVING. I'M NOT HUNGRY ANYMORE."
She took a hold of Regina's hand and stomped out of the diner angrily.
"Making me lose my customers," Granny mumbled, looking up at Hook as she tried off a plate. "You're paying for the meal they would've bought too."
"What?!" Killian screeched, a little more than slightly girly. "Emma eats like a pig!"
"Hey, you're the one who decided to sleep with her father."
...
...
Snow sighed.
"Do you want the good news first or the bad news first?" Regina asked.
"Both. At the same time," Snow and David agreed.
"Good news, I got laid last night. Bad news, it was by your daughter."
"Oh."
"Well."
"What the bloody hell?"
"Killian, shut up! You're the one who was sleeping with my dad!"
"YOU WHAT."
"Snow, I can explain..."
"I think that I should leave... I'm not even a part of this family."
"REGINA YOU'RE THE ONE WHO STARTED THIS."
"How am I the one who started this? I'm not the one whose dick fell in the wrong hole."
"My dick fell in the right hole! Both of his holes, actually."
"KILLIAN! MY WIFE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO FIND OUT!"
"Did you and Killian continue sleeping together after our threesome?"
"MOM YOU AND DAD HAD A THREESOME WITH MY BOYFRIEND?!"
"Emma you're gay."
"BUT I WAS STILL DATING KILLIAN."
"We were drunk! And curious. Right David? Back me up here."
"Emma your family is really fucked up."
"Hey, Regina. This is your family too."
"Only because of Snow."
"Only because of me? Regina I'm amazing."
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever floats your boat, honey."
"Wait Regina — you slept with Emma?"
"Guyliner, where have you been this entire conversation?"
"In the wrong hole apparently."
"Wait, I have a serious question."
"What's your question, Regina?"
"Should I be flattered that Emma mumbled 'you're the queen of my face' before passing out?"
"Oh."
"REGINA!"
"I don't know if that's a compliment or an insult."
"It was a compliment! Meaning my face is your throne."
"What does that even— OH MY GOD."
"Killian, shut the hell up. You fucked my dad. And my mom."
"Is that going to be your comeback for everything now?"
"It wouldn't have to be if you didn't 'come back' in my parents."
"Touché."
...
...
Regina took a large swig of her apple cider.
"So... My girlfriends' parents asked me what I do in my spare time," she began. "And apparently 'your daughter' wasn't the right answer."
"Regina!" Kathryn scolded.
"Sorry not sorry!"
"So how was the sex?"
"Oh, it was great."
"DETAILS."
"Well, first off..."
"Hey Emma, are you washing your car?"
"Nope," Emma said, popping the 'p.' "Just watering it to see if it will grow."
Regina rolled her eyes. "You're incorrigible."
"By the way, some kid is going around town knocking on people's doors saying he's collecting for the local swimming pool." She shrugged as she turned the water faucet off. "I gave him a couple buckets of water."
"Emma!" Regina chuckled as they made their way into the station.
"What? I'm evil." She plopped down in the chair by her desk. "Come sit in my lap. I want to worship your body."
"No, Emma. You're crazy."
"You are so selfish Regina! You're going to have that body for the rest of your life and I just want it for a night." She looked up at Regina. "Or two. Three. Maybe more. Who knows."
"Don't look at me like that. I told you, no sex in the office."
Emma looked up at her, standing up and pinning her against the desk with her hands on her hips as she purred into her ear, "I'd love to kiss your lips while your thighs warm my ears."
"Oh," Regina gasped softly as Emma hand steamed beneath her blouse.
"Regina, do you want to know what happened in Camelot?"
"Yes," she breathed out.
"Thanks to me, you came a lot."
"Oh god. I really need my memories back."
"Why need your old ones when we can create new ones?" Emma ripped open the lapels of her shirt and the buttons scattered on the floor.
"Since you like magic so much," Emma said, spinning Regina around. "How about you bend over and watch my fingers disappear."
...
...
"You better touch my nipples today."
Emma turned around and saw Regina standing on the bottom step of her lair.
"And other parts of my body, of course."
"How did you get here?"
"There's a really nice invention called an automobile, and another called a key to the front door."
"Right." Emma furrowed her eyebrows and turned to look at Regina again. "Wait, how did you get a key to my front door?"
"Magic, dear."
"Oh. Yep." Emma chuckled. "Wait."
"Yes, dear?" Regina asked, taking a few steps towards Emma.
"Did you just say I better touch your nipples?"
"As well as other parts of my body, yes I did. Why?"
"We should go on a camping trip. Like a sex camping trip," Emma suggested.
"So... You're saying that we drive out to the woods and stay in a trailer and have sex instead of having sex in either one of the two perfectly good beds we have at home? The only reason I'd kick you out of bed is so I could fuck you on the floor, I hope you know that."
"Yes, Regina! Exactly. We can fuck to the sounds of the birds chirping and the squirrels... Making whatever sound squirrels make... While you scream my name at the top of your lungs."
"Why am I screaming your name?"
"Because I'm touching your nipples. Remember?"
"Oh, right."
"So what do you say, Regina?"
"Only if I can bring the dagger."
...
...
"Nothing like a little father-daughter bonding."
"Why are we doing this? We never hang out."
"That's exactly why, Emma! I want to know about your life."
"Okay..." Emma sniffled as they stepped over a fallen log.
"So how was camping with Regina?" David asked curiously.
"She started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer the moment we arrived."
David blinked at her several times.
"It was awesome."
"I, uh... Sounds like it."
"Yeah, and she brought the dagger so she was waving it around all like, 'Emma, eat my pussy,'" she said in her best impression of Regina's voice (which sounded more like Hercules to David).
"Oh. Uh. Maybe we should, uh— change the subject."
"Right," Emma said, nodding. They reached a small pond and Emma picked up a rock and threw it in there. "How are you and mom?"
"We are good, actually. Other than her occasional meltdowns she's doing better accepting your... Newfound lesbianism."
"It's not newfound. I've known since I was si—"
"It is for us."
"Right."
"We started something new to spice up our bedroom life. We added another pers—" Emma raised an eyebrow at him "—uh... We added new pillows. For our bed. They're festive."
"Yeah, uh." Emma started walking away and David stood up, following her back to the car.
"We're all just a bunch of horn-dogs. Maybe this whole father-daughter bonding thing was a bad idea."
...
...
Emma sighed as she took a bite of her grilled cheese.
"Hey! Someone actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on my windshield that said 'Parking Fine,' so that was nice."
Henry stared at her with big doe eyes and a dopey smile.
"You realize that you got a ticket, right Mom?"
"What?!" She screeched. "I'm the Dark One! You can't give the Dark One a parking ticket!"
"Maybe you should use magic to transport yourself instead of that yellow death trap you insist on calling a motor vehicle."
"The Dark One needs her death trap! It's like the Batmobile."
"The Dark One's don't use Batmobile's."
"I do."
"You're an actual child," Regina chuckled.
"WELL YOU KNOW WHAT?! IM NOT EVEN THE DARK ONE ANYMORE. SO HA."
It got eerily silent and everyone in the diner stared at them.
"You... WHAT!" Regina snapped. "How come you didn't tell me this?! Since when?!"
"OUR FIRST KISS. The darkness just… left me."
"So why did you keep lying to everyone and tell them that you were still the Dark One?"
Emma looked down. "Because I felt cool."
Regina stared at her for a long while before snorting (and damn her for being so attractive even when she sounded like a pig) and busting out laughing.
"It's not funny, 'Gina! I could do whatever I wanted and no one could tell me not to cause they were all scared of me! Plus, then I would have to admit you're my True Love."
Regina pursed her lips and tried not to smile. It didn't work.
"You're adorable."
Emma looked up at her through hooded eyelashes.
"Adorable enough to kiss?" She asked hopefully.
Regina chuckled, "Come here," as she leaned over the table. Emma met her in the middle and kissed her softly, just as the bells above the door of Granny's rang.
"OHMYGOD."
Emma and Regina pulled away, both turning to look towards the scream.
Snow and Charming were standing in the doorway, both with wide eyes.
"IT'S PORN," Snow screamed as she ripped off her shirt and ran back outside. She was screaming and running around half naked when she smacked right into a pole. She shook her head and then started running around the pole in circles.
"IT'S POOOOORNNNNN!"
Regina, Emma, and David chuckled.
"Mom, what's porn and why is grandma running around without a shirt on?"
Emma and Regina looked at each other with wary looks.
Regina sighed. "Here we go."