CAN'T LET GO

He hesitated before knocking at his friend's door. Maybe Emma was already here and he should just turn around and leave her alone. The thought of watching her and her boyfriend had tormented him all night long after seeing her again, closer this time.

When she ran from him he had laughed in pure desperation. All those time he had called her and yet, she still ran from him. Probably the right choice, he wasn't the boy he used to be anymore.

He was damaged and broken, he was a mess who couldn't get his life right anymore.

His hand was raising again to knock at the door but it had already opened, Mary Margaret's face appearing in front of him. "How long are you planning to stand there? We saw you coming ten minutes ago", she said with a soft smile and pulled him into her arms.

If she noticed how shitty and tired he looked, she didn't mention it.

It took only a few moments for David to appear at the door, pulling him into a brief hug. "It's good to see you, Killian."

"Likewise, mate." He was able to give them a small grin before walking inside, his grin turning into a soft smile when he saw his sister in law sitting in the couch, playing with the small two year old on the ground.

The pain in his chest was only brief and he shook his head a little while images of a future flashed in front of his eyes, a future he had screwed up.

"Killian!" Elsa said with a huge smile and put the stuffed animal down, walking over to him with fast steps and wrapping her arms around him. They hadn't seen each other in quite a while and it felt good to see the woman his brother had loved so much.

"Hey there", he mumbled and placed a kiss to her hair before she pulled away, hands on his shoulders, looking him up and down with a sad smile.

She knew about his drinking issues, about the insomnia, about the pain in his hand that wasn't even there because he wasn't able to feel anything.

He looked around nervously, trying to see if Emma was already here and it seemed like Elsa was sensing his thoughts in the way his eyes were dull and he bit his bottom lip.

"She's not here yet", she whispered to him even through Mary Margaret and David already walked off into the kitchen to prepare dinner.

"Did you know?" he asked with a tilt of his head but she shook hers in return.

"Not until yesterday evening, but I heard you saw her. Are you okay?" The worry was literally dripping in her voice and he ran a hand through his hair, shrugging slightly. He didn't know if he was okay, didn't know if he'd ever be. Seeing her again like this had throwing him off balance and he'd prefer to go back into moping and drinking.

David came back from the kitchen and went over to pick his son up, putting him on his lap while sitting down on the couch before he motioned Killian over.

"That's Killian. Killian, that's Leo." He introduced them and the little boy looked a little shy but Killian just held his hand out with a small smile, waiting for the kid to take it which he did after a moment.

"He's a cute one", he said in his heavy accent and sat down next to David who just nodded.

"The best kid you could wish for. Ruby and Victor are coming too, by the way. The announced themselves after you agreed and you know how she is. If her friends are all in one place, she can't miss it," the blond man said with a laugh but Killian just swallowed.

If they were all together, they wouldn't be able to avoid digging up old stories from High School. Stories that had branded themselves into his mind, stories that had made him happy before but now only caused him pain. He wouldn't be able to stand listening to those stories while Emma was all doey eyed with her new boyfriend.

But maybe it was exactly what he had to get through to finally get over her. All he ever wanted in life was her to be happy, if she was happy with her new guy, then it would be okay. One day. Maybe.

"And you send Walsh away because...?", Ruby asked, half turned in her seat to be able to look at Emma who was sitting in the back seat.

"Because I don't want him around when I'm finally together with all my friends", she said with a groan and it felt like she had been explaining it for the last ten minutes.

"And your Ex?" Ruby whistled and Emma could hear how Victor was coughing, probably trying to hide a laugh.

"How did you know?" Emma asked and her friend just laughed, waving her hand in the air.

"I know everything. Who knows, maybe you'll be able to fix it", the brunette said and looked way too hopeful for Emma's taste.

She just shook her head, there was nothing to fix. Their relationship had been broken years ago and she was more or less happy in her new one. There wasn't even the possibility of being friends again because a tiny part of her would always love him. He had been her first everything, first real friend, first kiss, first boyfriend, first time. He had hold her heart and crushed it right in front of her. There was no fixing.

She hated that her hands were sweaty when they arrived at their friend's place. Why was she nervous to meet the man who had broken her heart? She shouldn't care about it and yet it felt like someone was stabbing her with a knife.

They went inside and everyone greeted each other and Emma could swear that Mary Margret got a little teary, seeing all their friends together like that.

Only Killian was nowhere to be seen and she ignored the slight feeling of disappointment that raised inside of her at the thought that he may have left and wouldn't come at all.

But when the noises of heavy steps sounded in the stairway, everyone turned to look and Killian stopped halfway down.

"Why is everyone looking at me?" He asked with a slightly confused voice, avoiding looking at Emma but she knew he had seen her in the way his eyes shifted and his face fell slightly.

Ruby immediately waved her arms and he walked down, letting himself get pulled into a hug. After another hug from Victor he turned towards Emma, probably more because it was the gentleman thing to do, not because he wanted.

"Swan", he said with a quick nod and for fucks sake, it wasn't supposed to hurt like that.

Using last names wasn't a bad thing. Not at all. He had done it before but back then it was a term of endearment and you were able to hear the love in his voice every time her last name fell from his lips.

This time it was short and cold, more like a business meeting and not the reunion of old lovers. They were strangers and it hurt her more than it should.

"Jones", she greeted back, forcing a smile on her lips and the way his eyebrow raised told her that he knew that the smile was anything but friendly.

She ignored the curious looks of their friends, the sadness in Mary Margaret's look, the rolled eyes of Ruby, the confusion on the men's faces.

"Emma, where's Walsh?", David asked and looked even more confused.

"He's with his family beca-"

"Because she didn't want him to be around her friends", Ruby finished for her and earned an angry glare as an answer.

She noticed how Killian's eyes were switching between the two of them, his forehead furrowed slightly.

He looked so different now that she was able to see him in daylight. His scruff was thicker and his hair was longer for sure. His blue eyes were dull, not as bright as they used to be and he looked tired.

Only a moment later his eyes found hers and she blushed, embarrassed that she got caught staring at him and she looked away immediately.

This would be a hell of a night.

If he was honest, he felt out of place here.

His best friends were all here and yet, he felt no real connection to them because he had been a shitty friend for years. He barely called, texted, skyped or visited, ignored most connections to his life before the Navy.

A mistake he noticed now. Everyone was so close, chatting while sitting on the couch around the small table while he was sitting on a blanket with a sleeping Leo in his lap. The boy had fallen asleep on him at some point during their playing session and he didn't have the heart to stand up.

So while the little lad was snoring on him, he listened to the conversations everyone. David talked with Victor about being a father and how exhausting it was but that he really loved it. Victor told David about the year he had spend in Africa as a doctor and how shitty these people lived.

Elsa was in the kitchen, preparing her special Thanksgiving salad with the secret recipe that no one was allowed to know and no one dared to look, knowing they'd probably get murdered.

Ruby was chatting with Mary Margaret and Emma, telling them the new gossip about people he never heard about before but while the one friend was listening to her, the other one kept throwing glances at him.

He knew that Emma tried to be subtle but she had never been good at that when it came to him. Since their first weeks as a couple he had always known when she had planned a surprise, had always known what she got him for his birthday or Christmas, it was really not her strength.

It wasn't unpleasant at all but it was confusing him. Were the old memories haunting her like they were haunting him? Was that why she was looking at him over and over again? He really couldn't explain it but he knew he was doing the same. Looking at her, his eyes barely leaving her and holding her gaze when she was looking at him.

There was no way of denying that he still had feelings for her, that there was still the flame in his body that grew every time she looked at him and he was quite sure that he wasn't just in love with the memory of her.

He was in love with her present self as much as her past self.

But she had moved on and loving her would only going to hurt him. On the other hand, he probably deserved all the pain in the world for hurting this wonderful woman, no matter how much in the past it was.

Elsa came back from the kitchen and sat down on the blanket next to him, smiling at Leo and then at him, leaning her head against his shoulder.

"I'm really happy you came here", she said quietly and he nodded, despite the feeling of being misplaced.

"I'm sorry I haven't been a better brother to you", he sighed and she looked up at him, ruffling his hair a little while shaking her head.

"It's okay, Anna and Kristoff where there for me and I knew you just needed time to find yourself."

He was glad that she was so understanding to the whole situation, she had lost her husband after all. Killian remembered too well how Elsa's anxiety got worse after the days of Liam's death and that she was barely able to hold herself together. Sometimes he was so selfish that he forgot that it had been hard for her too.

"Not sure if I did", he whispered as an answer, looking down at his hand, the huge scar hidden behind his long sleeved shirt.

She had been a fool to think this would be easy.

This was the hardest thing she had done in years and it was fucking her up on the inside. The way he had been sitting there with the child on his lap, quietly talking to Elsa and boy, she would have paid with some blood to hear that conversation.

The whole evening he had been acting absolutely polite when it came to her and she wanted to strangle him for it. They haven't talked or spent actual time together but whenever interaction was necessary, he had been nice.

Why couldn't he hate her as much as she thought she hated him? Why couldn't he outright ignore her, be mean to her? It would make hating him so much easier, it would make everything easier.

But here she was, seated across from him during their Thanksgiving dinner and with the same butterflies in her stomach she had felt the first time she had walked into the class all those years ago.

It wasn't fair. She had Walsh and she used to be happy with him too but now Killian walked back into her life just like that and threw her off balance.

The voicemails where nothing against his sad eyes and forced smile. He looked like he hadn't felt alive for years and it dawned to her that she didn't either.

What she had with Walsh was nothing like what she used to have with Killian and for some stupid reason, she wanted it back. The spark, the love, the feeling of being at home.

She had lost her home the day he had left her.

Was it selfish of her? Maybe.

Did she feel bad about it? Maybe.

Was she sorry? Not really.

She had planned to end things with Walsh a while ago anyway and had only been with him these last few weeks because she had been a coward, not wanting to tell him that it's over because he obviously still loved her, in his own way.

But sitting next to Mary Margaret and David who were very much in love with a child on their own and seeing Ruby and Victor flirt like they did in High School made her remember what she was missing the most.

The person who sat across from her and who was looking down his plate while he listened to what David was grateful for.

She missed him, had been missing him all those years and maybe everything she had told herself had been to heal her own wounds, ignoring that he had some too.

"Killian, your turn", David said and clapped his friend on the back who looked a bit dumbfounded at him before he stood up, shifting from one leg to another.

"I'm grateful for...uhm...", he paused and Emma looked at him with curious eyes. It made her sad that he didn't seem to know what he was grateful for and she wondered how he had spend the last years of his life.

"I'm grateful for my friends and the best sister in law", he smiled at all of them but didn't give Emma one glance into her direction. The pain tugged at her heart even though it was exactly what she had wanted.

She had wanted him to ignore her to make it easier but now that he did, it felt wrong, so so wrong.

"And the memories of a better time." His voice wasn't more than a whisper after he had turned his head to look at her, his blue eyes literally drilling a hole in her head with the intense stare and it took a cough from Ruby to pull him back into reality and to make him sit down.

If she wasn't so determined of actually surviving this night, she would have said something or maybe even let out a sob. It was confusing and painful all at once and she really didn't know how long she could kept going like this.

Emma stood up and took a deep breath, trying to remember the list she had made in her head with all the things she was grateful for.

"I'm grateful for you people for inviting me to get to eat this delicious food", she started and everyone around the table laughed and she could swear she could even see a smile tugging at Killian's lips. "I'm grateful for my job and that life turned out better than I thought. I'm grateful to have you guys, you're my real family."

She smiled at all of them, even at Killian but his eyes were somewhere else and she sighed before sitting down.

"Not for Walsh?" Ruby suddenly said with a teasing tone in her voice and Emma's eyes widened, her cheeks growing hot.

"Walsh too, of course!" She added quickly but only got a wolfish grin from her friend.

"Of course",she whistled and the round went on but she spaced out, not really listening to them.

He hadn't been able to meet Emma's eyes when she told him that she was grateful for everyone because they were her family because he didn't know if he was really included or if she just said it to be nice.

Was he really still part of her family? It sure didn't feel like it. If he would have looked at her, she would have seen the hope in his eyes and he really didn't want that. Yes, he was hoping they could somehow fix all this, had been hoping for years but she had a boyfriend.

One she had forgotten to mention during her small speech and he wasn't going to deny that it made him feel better than it should but what could he say, he had always been a selfish man and it only got worse over the last years.

The dinner went on quietly and he was really happy that no one was talking about old High School stories or anything, talking about their new lives instead while he kept quiet. He didn't need to share stories of his pathetic self.

"You know what we guys should do when we're done?" Ruby suddenly asked with a way too happy smile on her lips and that could only mean trouble for them.

The group groaned slightly but no one answered her so she just went on. "Seven minutes in heaven! Like in the old days!"

"No!" He and Emma said at the same time, looking at Ruby, then at each other before looking down on their plates. They didn't see Ruby's satisfying smile like she just had proven that there was water on Mars.

Heavy kissing.

Groaning and moaning.

The tearing of clothes to get to feel the skin of the other as fast as possible.

Three words falling from his lips over and over again.

Her giggles filling the tiny space.

A tender kiss before two voices yell "Time's up!"

The tips of his ears were colored in a shade of red, he didn't need to look into a mirror to know that. When he looked up, he could see the same color on her cheeks and she just knew she remembered the same moment.

He gulped hard but got pulled out of his thoughts when Leo was tugging on his leg, stretching arms up in the air.

"Killy!", the young boy exclaimed and Killian smiled before lifting the boy up, placing him on his lap which seemed to be the new favorite place of the kid.

He was really happy for his friends that they have their own family now, something especially Mary Margaret had always talked about. It made him feel like shit that he had missed their wedding and the birth of their child and he was really surprised that they were still friends and had invited him here for such a family event.

Killian wasn't paying attention when Leo took the full wine glass and knocked it over, spilling it all over the both of them, starting to cry as soon as the glass shattered on the ground.

"Oh bloody hell." He immediately stood up, holding the kid away from his dripping shirt and Mary Margret was already coming over, taking the crying kid into her arms. "I'm sorry, it's my fault", he said and bit his bottom lip, watching how his white shirt was already straining with red. Perfect.

"It's fine", David said and sighed, ruffling Leo's hair to calm him down. "We'll take care of him really quick. Can someone get the piece of glass? And you should really try to get the wine out of the shirt."

Killian shot his friend an unamused smile before he walked towards the bathroom, not noticing that Emma was following him while Ruby looked at them with a grin, Elsa with a smile and Victor just groaned and got up to clean the mess on the ground.

"Let me help you", Emma's soft voice came from behind him and he spun around on his heels, not expecting to see her behind him in the bathroom.

"I can do this alone, thank you very much", he grumbled back at her, he wasn't some child that needed help.

"We both know that you're shit when it comes to laundry", she answered and just held her hand out, waving it around to tell him to take his shirt off without actually saying the words.

He winced when he remembered the incident of him doing laundry and his and her clothes both turning a different color. Back then they had laughed about it, now it just made his heart hurt.

His right hand started to open up the shirt while he just moved to lean against the sink with his left arm. For her it probably just looked like he was trying to be cool but it was a fact that he wasn't able to open buttons with his left, destroyed hand, he just didn't feel enough in his fingers for such fumbling.

When he handed her his shirt he saw how she let her eyes wander over his shirtless form, he never bothered to wear anything under it. His left arm went around to his back, hiding the long scar while he moved over.

Killian jumped on the washer while he watched her work, his feet dangling closely over the ground. The silence was killing him, he wanted to tell her so much but he couldn't get a word out.

"What's up with the scar?" She suddenly said and he cringed at her words. He had hoped he had been able to hide the nasty looking thing but it she had always been a perceptive lass.

"Got it on a mission. Fucked up my arm pretty badly and they wanted to take my hand to save the nerves. I refused and now I can barely feel a damn thing there", he told her with a shrug like it was nothing.

"Guess that would have been a good reason to attach a hook then, so you could really be Captain Hook", she said with a soft smile on her lips and for the first time of the night, a honest smile formed on his lips as well.

"You remember." He made it sound like it was the most surprising thing ever even though he knew that his Promposal was one of the most popular one in their school.

"I remember every moment we have spent together", she answered in a quiet voice and looked up from washing his shirt for a moment. Her eyes were honest and he felt himself blush, looking on the ground between his feet.

"Me too", he sighed out and bit his bottom lip and it felt like his heart was ripping him apart from the inside. He just wanted to pull her into a hug, damn the consequences but he just couldn't. "But I guess being a pirate Captain wasn't that exciting anymore after I lost my princess."

Honest words falling from his lips, dripping with regret and guilt before he could stop himself. She stilled in her movements, frozen into place and he opened his mouth to say something but stopped. He had to think before he spoke or he would just scare her off.

"You didn't lose me. You left me", she said without looking up while scrubbing his shirt like a mad woman.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. She was right, of course. "And I have regretted every single moment since then."

"I'm aware of that." Her voice was so quiet that he barely heard it and he frowned at her respond. How would she-

The moment it dawned to him his face softened and he raised both eyebrows in surprise, a small smile playing on his lips.

"The voicemails. You listened to them." He shouldn't sound so happy because most of them were really pathetic. But when she listened to them it meant that she thought about him too from time to time. It sadly also meant that she never cared about to call him back even though she knew how he felt.

She turned around to him and pressed the wet shirt to his chest without looking at him. "You should ask David for one of his. This is the best I can do."

Emma was about to leave him, pushing past him but he turned around and wrapping his left hand around her wrist, wishing he could feel the warmth that was radiating from it.

"Wait", he whispered and she stopped, turning around to look at him. He could see how glassy her eyes were and it broke his heart, he had never been good in seeing how she cried, it was is least favorite thing in the world.

"What?", she asked and swallowed while looking him right into his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Emma. For everything." He knew that he had apologized so many times but this was the first time he did it in person, face to face. Her super power of knowing when people lied was probably still working and she could see in his eyes that it was the truth.

"I know", she answered and for a second she smiled before she moved out of the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

He realized that he wouldn't be able to fix his mistake, it was simply too late now.

While Killian was up on the second floor with David and Mary Margaret, she went over to Elsa who was sitting on the couch and scrolling through the phone. She could see a picture of Liam that the other woman was staring at and put a hand on her shoulder.

"I miss him too", Emma said and Elsa looked up, smiling at her.

"We all do. He would have loved to be together like this", the other blonde said and Emma nodded.

In the beginning she had blamed Liam for the fact that Killian had left her but she realized that it was stupid to think things like that, no one was to blame but themselves. Killian because he was too stubborn and herself because she didn't fight enough for him.

Maybe their lives would have turned out differently if Liam hadn't died, maybe it would still turned out in the same way, somehow.

When they were just kids they thought they were invincible and no one could tear them apart and now? Now they were sad shadows of themselves, a relationship that just didn't work out.

But the urge to give him a second chance was strong. She had seen how sorry he was, how bad he felt and she sighed, sitting down next to Elsa.

"Can you tell me what happened to him during all those years?", she asked her friend, a little afraid she sounded too nosy and that it wasn't any of her business but Elsa just nodded.

The story she heard wasn't pretty at all. Elsa told her about him joining the Navy, how heartbroken and sad he was but that he reached his goal of being a Captain, that he was so proud and that he had hoped Liam would be proud too. She told her about the incident on the mission that nearly cost him his hand and that he got literally thrown out. The drinking part broke her heart the most because once upon a time, she had been the one to stop him from it and she felt bad that she hadn't been there for him the second time.

Their rather sad conversation ended when Ruby and Victor came back from their walk they had taken outside, full from turkey and all the other food and only moments later the other three came downstairs, Leo put away in bed already.

The rest of the evening was uneventful and soon enough, Ruby and Victor decided to leave. Emma decided to stay a little longer and that she would just take a cab or the bus back to the motel later. Soon enough, David and Mary Margaret had fallen asleep on the couch, exhausted from preparing dinner and being parents. Elsa was upstairs, looking after little Leo.

Emma leaned against the doorway while she looked at her friends with a soft smile, sighing heavily when she realized that she could have this too.

Her head turned so she could look at Killian in the kitchen, how he cleaned up the rest and put away the leftovers.

She could have it with him, if she'd let him in again.

After taking a deep breath she walked over to him and put a hand on his scarred arm to stop him from what he was doing. He looked up at her in surprise, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm going to leave, let them sleep and tell them I left if they wake up, alright?", she asked quietly and he nodded.

When she made a move to walk to the front door, he followed her, walking her towards it.

"Goodbye, Swan", he said, smiling at her and she couldn't help but to smile back.

"Goodbye, Killian."

She was out of the door and he was about to close it when she turned around once more, looking straight at him.

"I'm sorry, too."

He had spent the night on the couch after the love birds went to bed but he hadn't slept all too much, Emma's words whirling around in his head the whole night.

She was sorry too.

Did they have a chance? He didn't know. Perhaps they had but she hadn't really made another move. It made him happy to just know that she wasn't angry at him anymore, that she was sorry too.

When he drove back to the Motel his eyes scanned the parking lot but she was nowhere to be found. He went over to the reception but they told him she had already checked out and his heart sank down deep.

He bit his bottom lip and shook his head, walking back to his own room but frowning when he stepped on a little piece of paper when he opened the door.

It had his name in her handwriting on it, he would always recognize it. He opened the folded paper carefully and closed the door with his feet.

'Maybe you want to call me, for real this time. To, you know, go over everything.'

Her number was right under it and he smiled so bright that his cheek started to hurt.

Maybe, just maybe, there was a second chance for them.

A future.

A/N: Here you go, the third and final part of this little story. I'll let it up to you to decide if he deserves a second chance or if it's too late for them to start over ;) Thank you so much for reading and sharing, it means a lot to me!