What have I done?

By being here, by Trying to save my family,

I've plunged myself into a world, a life I never wanted, never could've conjured even in nightmares.

I've condemned myself to torture, to killing, to the servitude of the very one who I seek to escape from.

I've locked myself away within a society that only seeks to kill, to maim, to torture.

But most of all, I've cOndemned myself to uncertainty.

But even in the darkest of nights, there's always a light somewhere; one only has to take the time to look.

Trapped here, with nothing but the thought of my family being safe to give me hope, I've found my light.

How odd that is, seeing as she's as black as the night itself, with onyx eyes full of hidden treasures.

I find myself wishing I could give her a mouse for her thoughts…

I find myself lingering on the memory of her when she isn't near, when I can't feel her fur brushing against mine…

Is it wrong: to think of her every day, to see her face behind my eyes as they close, to wish for her presence by my side?

Is it wrong to imagine running away with her, fRee from the chains of this cage, from the tyranny of this age?

To wonder if, maybe just if, when I asked, those dark eyes would light up with somethiNg more than mysterious inklings, something more solid than possible affections?

But then I remember, she isn't Frost.

She isn't my mate.

Why am I here?

Why am I doing this?

I've been running for so long, Burying my true self so deep…

I wonder if there's anything Left to save.

Oh, Ivyfrost! I would do Anything to have you with me now.

If I Could only tell you how I feel, that I never meant to hurt you…

Never meant to Kill you….

I live with the unbearable burden of what I have done Every day, every second, with every heartbeat.

It's torture at its purest form, my love.

With every breath I take, I wonder what could've been…

We were happy, I remember, though the memory has been overshadowed by death for so long that it appears murky in contrast to the sharpness of my sporting.

That's all my life is now, it seems. I breathe for the next killing, a wandering soul lost without its guiding star.

Without you, there's Nothing to live for but blood and power.

Blood and power…

Ivyfrost, it's all I have to hold on to, the blood and the power.

It's what I seek daily, what I relish feeling running through my claws at every availablE opportunity.

It keeps me going. With each murder, each lie, each scam, each coup, I get stronger. I feel less pain.

But yet… when I remember you, remember the life we could've had…

Ivyfrost, am I substituting you with violence?

Am I Dishonoring your name with my actions?

All I know for sure is that my soul…

My soul is blackened.

What kind of tom am I?

What kind of warrior watches as his clanmate dies,

Doing nothinG to help?

What kind of cat can't control his own emotions? Can't reign in his instincts in order to do the right thing?

What kind of cat just lets the fire roar and even stokes it, pUtting those around him in danger of being caught in the flames?

All over a she-cat!

I know, on a logical level, that the whole thing is ridiculous,

But still… I acted anyways.

I bit, I scratched, I clawed, I cursed! I did abominable things!

I might even be the source of the sickness that held her in its wicked paws for three moons.

But none of that even begins to measure up to the mistake I have just made.

The rush of gladness I felt when that beast had my opponent cornered was filthy, not fit even for the rats that dine on crowfood.

Nor was the feeling of triumph when I witnessed that his Life was held within my paws.

So when that fox attacked, when his yowls tore through the air as surely as its teeth tore through his flesh, I might as well have murdered him myself!

But no! I just stood there and watched!

And over what? The she-cat, the family we both loved?

Oh, if my father knew, he would be so disappointed.

If she knew…

I fear I would lose her forever.

She's already lost so, so much… and now I just sTole yet another thing dear to her….

I might as well have ripped out her heart.

Did I Make the right choice?

Doing this to you has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do in life.

Every minute, every second is spent wondering if I've done the rIght thing. Spent worrying about what might happen if I slip up, if I don't time everything perfectly…

If only I could let you know that.

But I can't.

To keep you Safe, I've had to tear our relationship apart, leave you to face the horrors of his place all alone…

I can only imagine how you feel, my dear.

But now, it seems, all of my sacrifice has been for noThing.

After the Night of No-Moon… I fear that no one is safe.

Such a violent Act of defiance will not be left unchallenged, to stir up feelings of revolution within the ranks.

Oh! How torn I feel right now! I glow within with pride because of what our daughter has done! But I also sense intense anger and frustration coursing through me!

If only she'd stayed quiet, just held her peace for mere claw-moons longer, and my plans of safely getting us out of this Starclan-forsaKen pit could be realized!

But now, there's no way to enact such hopes, and I fear we may be trapped here for the rest of our lives.

I've alienated you for nothing, my dear!

Blood is out to devour your souls now, and it's all my fault!

I should've been there! I should've told you!

But now, because of my insolencE, you hate me…