CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: ZE ANSEM SHRINE IS DONE!
I DID IT! HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!! IT TOOK ME SIX MONTHS, BUT I DID IT!!!
Well, you can't see the Ansem shrine because of stupid FF.net, but I can fix that! Just add a www to "esoterical.tk" and you should reach it. It's very...weird. O_O
On to story business... this IS the last chapter.
However, I gave you all a nice big ending! BE HAPPY!
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The climatic battle of mass proportions, which would decide the fate of the world. Should Alice sign the form or not? A decision the author has struggled with, trying to be cheap and end the story, or write more and make it unbearably old and crappy?
Well, whatever the author was trying to decide, the two would-be authors were still wrestling on the floor, trying to save or destroy the world.
Personally, I support the latter.
"YOU'LL NEVER SIGN THIS FORM, ALICE!" chibilinnet spat (literally). She wrenched the clipboard holding the precious paper away from Alice's pen.
"THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK, LINNET!" Alice grunted, reaching for the clipboard. She yelped as chibilinnet kicked her stomach and ran off. Cursing, the two ran around screaming.
Just like Cloud, who still wanted to know why there was a clown on his back calling him a unicorn.
"WHEEEEEEEEE!!" Kefka squealed, obviously enjoying his ride. Cloud panted heavily and crashed to the ground. Cloud had suffered the same fate as poor General Leo!!
"Unicorn?" Kefka poked Cloud, confused.
"KEFKA, YOU KILLED HIM, JUST LIKE LEO! YAY!!" Everyone cheered. The mere mention of Leo's name brought tears to poor Kefka's eyes.
"LEO! WHY??? WHY???? AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" Kefka sat there, slowly crushing Cloud, bawling for his dead friend.
Of course, no one really cared.
"Don't you think we should be doing something? It doesn't seem like this is gonna end any time soon..." Kairi muttered, jerking her head toward the crazy authors. Ansem shrugged, sharing the same apathetic mood as everyone else.
"LAZY PEOPLE!"
With a mighty WOOSH, Asaka fell in. The author will leave you people guessing who the hell Asaka is and why she is here.
"??? Are you the hero that saves the world?" Kairi asked hopefully, so she wouldn't have to stop Alice and chibilinnet herself.
"I'm Asaka! I'm here for the rest of the story!" Asaka cheerfully explained, Her two muses Ashton and Leon (not the one from KH or FF8, mind you) came out of nowhere. The author was lazy today.
"Actually, this is the last chapter..." Ansem muttered. Little did he know that he would be forever revered as the man who saved the world.
Asaka's eye twitched. Ashton and Leon (remember: NON KH/FF8!) looked at each other nervously. The taller of the muses found a very nice corner to hide in and did so.
"Last...*twitch*...CHAPTER?!"
Asaka was angry. chibilinnet had promised her a part in this story! In fact, she had given chibilinnet a BIG part in HER story! AND THIS IS HOW CHIBILINNET REPAID HER???
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
Asaka screamed in angry frustration, sending everyone except Alice and chibilinnet scurrying to a corner to hide. Asaka then grabbed her trusty chickenstrip rifle (courtesy of the Vanilla Coke Mafia) and started shooting random places.
"EAT CHICKENSTRIPS, BEEEEEESSSHHHH!!" She screamed, scything the whole room in bullets. chibilinnet grabbed Alice and flung the poor soul in front of her. Alice took all the bullets in her stomach, but again, due to the nature of this story, no one dies... that way, anyway.
Unfortunately, Alice knew the only way to actually die in this story.
"I'M TAKING YOU TO HELL WITH ME!" Alice snarled. She grabbed chibilinnet by her hair and jumped dramatically out the window. Much screaming could be heard.
Asaka and the others all crowded around the window, a little scared.
"uuggghh..." A gurgling noise came from Cloud's throat. Cloud opened his eyes and Kefka squealed with glee. Jumping on the poor Ex-SOLDIER who really wasn't in SOLDIER's back, he screamed more.
"AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!" Cloud ran forward, to the window, and jumped out. Before he could drag Kefka to his death, Sephiroth grabbed the mage by the shoulder and dragged him back in. Everyone watched, slightly amused, as Cloud followed Alice and chibilinnet to his doom.
"WHY DO ALL MY FRIENDS DIE??" Kefka cried, running away and screaming.
Everyone was very confused at this point.
"Is Cloud dead forever?" Kuja asked hopefully. No one dared say anything, since Cloud survived falling down a cliff with sharp pointy objects at the end.
Meanwhile, in the corner, Edgar and the Unknowns were practicing for their first gig.
"MORE FEELING, ED!! MORE FEELING!" Unknown Riku commanded, strumming his guitar. Edgar shot him a nasty look.
"Look, guys, I'm not into Soul Rock... this sucks."
"Yeah, Ed has a point..."
"Look, my name is EDGAR, not Ed!"
"Edgar, Ed, it's all the same."
"NO IT'S NOT! THERE'S A GAR AT THE END, AND I LIKE THE GAR!"
"..."
"..."
"..."
"OK, Gar."
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EPILOGUE
"SAME SEX MARRIGES!! EQUAL RIGHTS!! GAY PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE TOO!!"
The Destiny Islands Government nervously watched as Sora, Riku, Seymour, and a whole bunch of other people protested for ... gay rights?
"Kuja, this is a great idea!" Sora yelled over the roar of the crowd's stomachs (protesting makes people hungry!). "Me and Riku will get hitched in no time!"
"Yeah, I know!" Seymour yelled back. "And now I can get a job!"
Yes, Sora and Riku longed to get married (at the tender age of 16. Hey, if movie stars can do it, so can video game characters!). However, laws prevented them from doing that, so with the help of Seymour and his 'posse', they formed a giant protest crowd.
If the riots don't convince them, the headache that ensures later will.
~~~
"Aerith?"
Sephiroth poked his dear wife, who was still unconscious on the floor. Her closed eyes fluttered open, and Sephiroth sighed in relief. Suddenly, Aerith grabbed his arm and jumped up.
"I JUST HAD THE SCARIEST DREAM!" She screeched. The reaming windows in their house shattered in a million pretty sparkly sharp pieces of pointy doom.
"Yes, honey? You can tell me when my ears stop ringing."
"I had a dream... that there was this...gay rights protest in downtown... they had a riot... and the boys are stuck in a flaming building!" Aerith gasped.
Suddenly, the TV magically flipped on. Of course, it wasn't static or anything. O_O" Instead, it was a happy (sorta) newscast.
"We interrupt this program to bring you BREAKING NEWS! The riot in downtown has escalated, when two young boys named Riku and Sora were chased in a burning building and trapped. Firefighters say they have about 5 minutes before they pass out, and 12 before they either burn or suffocate. And now, back to A Connie Chung Christmas."
"..."
Very quickly, the adult's attitudes had turned from cynical and worried to outright insane, and they dashed out the door screaming like hell.
~~~
"SQUALL! SIT!"
Yuffie smacked the seat next to her, and scratched Cheeseburger behind his hear. Kuja sighed. It was good to be home. Stretching, he curled up in Yuffie's lap and purred. Very loud.
Leon regarded the cat with a jealous look before he sat down and grabbed the remote. Yuffie snatched it back and whacked him on the head with it.
"We're watching VH1's Documentary on Edgar and The Unknowns! QUIET!" Yuffie commanded. Leon was about to protest when he noticed her shirt. It read, in very bright red letters:
"I have PMS and a gun."
Knowing it was wise not to protest, Leon forced himself to watch and pretend to enjoy the show.
~~~
"In only 6 months, Edgar and the Unknowns have become as popular as the Beatles themselves. Being the world's only Punk/Rap/Classical/Soul/Latino/Rock/Alternative/Pop/Blues/Jazz group, the band has earned their place in musical history and the national school music curriculum."
"They started as a small time band forming while war was going on, in the famous luxury ship Lunatic Pandora. Playing gigs for free, they were requested every night until they magically got a CD out. Some say it was due to the laziness of the author, others say it was an act of God. Either way, they have rocketed to fame. And now, meet the band members."
"Edgar Roni Figaro, was the former King until he relinquished rule to his twin brother Sabin to pursue a life of freedom. Lead singer of the group, and has already been charged with 15 cases of child molestation. Beat that, Michael Jackson!"
"Unknown Ansem, the cast off shell of Ansem from Kingdom Hearts. Plays the acoustic guitar, banjo, saxophone, sometimes all three at once. Also has been arrested three times for armed assault."
"Unknown Sora is the bass, viola, tambourine, and makes the high pitches squeals in the background. Sora also has a long blacklist, with 7 charges of shoplifting and has been arrested for armed robbery of a Krispy Kreme store."
"Finally, Unknown Riku plays only the drums, and he is mighty thankful for that. The moral person of the group, Riku has given to many charities and visited many orphanages. Of course, it's all just a cover-up for other schemes Riku has."
"We'll be back after this commercial break..."
~~~
Ultimecia shut the TV off, sick of hearing other people's successes. After the death of chibilinnet and Alice, she lost her magic again, along with Kefka and Seymour. The three had rented a room together, after signing Kefka's release form themselves.
"What're we eating?" Ultimecia called. Seymour emerged from the kitchen, with pink apron that looked like it had seen better days and a mixing bowl filled with what looked (and smelled like) shit.
"I dunno. We WOULD eat something nice and homemade, if KEFKA STOPPED USING THE MIXING BOWL AS A BATHROOM!" Seymour screamed. Kefka's giggles were heard from the kitchen, and Seymour cried.
The strong odor had grabbed Ultimecia's nose and charged inside, so the ex-sorceress grabbed the bowl and flung it out the window, hitting the Queen of England. Like so many others in this fic, no one cared.
"Thanks a lot, Ulti! Now I can't make pancakes..." Seymour whined. Ultimecia just smacked him and started ordering pizza.
"Seymour, get my- ACK! KEFKA! NOT ON THE FLOOR!"
~~~
"Domino's Pizza, can I take your order?"
"KEFKA, WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT MASTERBATING ON THE FLOOR?! ... Um, hello? Yeah, sorry, we're training our, um, dog."
Lance blinked, then gave the phone to his co-worker.
"You take it. I'm scared." He shuddered. The redhead girl next to him frowned and grabbed it, taking the order.
Ignoring the fact he knew those people, Lance set his mind back to his job. As long as he saw no more people he knew...
"CREAK!"
Lance looked down, confused. There, in front of the counter, was a walking bench, a White Mushroom. There seemed to be benches with mushroom caps on top of the bench.
Something inside Lance's mind snapped.
"AUUUGGGGHHH!! THE PAST COMES TO HAUNT ME!" Lance cried in agony, He jumped over the counter and ran out the door waving his hat around.
"BUH-BYE, PEOPLES!!" He cheerfully yelled. "I'LL REMEMBER YOU ALL IN THERAPY!" Laughing manically, he ran around the streets screaming something about hats for clowns.
Everyone blinked.
"Creak?"
"Meep mip..."
~~~
"Well, this is where she fell..."
Rufus.exe poked Alice's splattered remains with a stick. It was fun. So he did it again. Fun.
Chibi-Auron came back, dragging what the top part of Cloud's head (the hair was still attached). He looked at Rufus.exe with big, tear-filled eyes.
"Cloud's dead, Rufus..." He said, almost dreamily. "Dead... that means..."
"No sequel..." Rufus breathed.
The two muses looked at each other happily.
"NO SEQUEL! THE STORY IS OVER!"
And so, the two danced. Well, actually, they poured kerosene over Cloud's head and then threw a lit match at it. Then they danced. Oh, how they danced!
THE END (for real this time)
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Terrible ending, I know. But ya know, sequels can never really be as great as the beginning.
Anyway, I'm glad you all enjoyed this! I was getting kinda sick of this...
Now... to summon up courage and FINISH RING FIC!
TV: *static*
AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!