A/N: I'm sort of rewatching the Hobbit and LOTR movies. This part jumped out at me, blindsided me with a speeding plot bunny (one of Radagast's, perhaps?), and demanded to be written. Have some Fem!Bilbo. :)

"What are you doing in these parts?" The Goblin King demanded, swinging his scepter over the gathered assembly.

Thorin made to step forward like the brave, stupidly foolish king he was, but Oin pushed him back. "Don't worry, lad, I've got this."

"What was that? No tricks, mind you! I want the truth! Once and for all." His beady, malevolent eyes swept over them. Bella tried to shrink down, desperately hoping he wouldn't see her. If she had thought the Dwarves were bad when it came to personal hygiene, then Goblins were on a whole different scale! Ooo, if only Aunt Peony could get her hands on them and about fifty, no make it a hundred, bars of the Bracegirdles' good strong lye soap, they'd be clean in a trice! Never again would a Goblin dare to be dirty after she got ahold of them. Maybe that's how we should fight wars; with soap, hot water, scrub brushes, and an army of angry, in-the-mood-for-spring-cleaning Hobbit women! I should suggest that to Gandalf…

Oin turned to the King. "I'm afraid you're goin' ta have to speak up, since your lads flattened me thrumpet!"

"I'll flatten more than your trumpet!" The King bellowed furiously. He raised his staff as if to bring it down upon Oin's head.

Bofur hastily pushed himself forward. "If you're lookin' fer information, I'm the one you should be speakin' ta! This old fogey wouldn' know the information you're askin' fer if it bit him on the bum!" The King hesitated and Bofur took his chance. If there was anything the mad Dwarf excelled at, it was talking his way out of a jam. He had what her Grandfather Took called the gift of gab. Bella could only hope he wouldn't talk them into an even bigger mess. "So you see, we were on this road. Well, actually it twasn't a road, twas more of a path. I wouldn't even go that far. It seemed more like a goat track to me, come ta think of it."

The King growled. Bofur paused, shot him a look that said 'rude!', and went back to his story. Bella was this close to collapsing in a heap and bursting into terrified tears. He is going to get us all killed I just know it!

"Annnyway, the point is, we were on this road like a path like a track, then suddenly we weren't! And that's bad news for us, because we were supposed to be in Dunland last…Tuesday?" He turned to Bella for confirmation. She squeaked and tried to hide again. Bofur grabbed her arm before she could faint and pulled her to his side.

"You see, we were going to visit distant relations," Dori butted in.

Bofur turned back to the now swelling-in-fury King, his arm encircling Bella's generous hips. A broad smirk crossed the Dwarf's mustached face. "Aye, tha's right. Headin' there fer a wedding, don'tcha know."

Every single Goblin froze and fell silent as the grave. If the noise and clamor of the hundreds of disgusting creatures had scared Bella stiff, their silence was infinitely worse! She gulped. Surely the King would see through Bofur and Dori's lie. He wasn't that stupid, was he?

Oh Valar above help her, they were going to be killed. Bella choked back a wailing sob that crawled into her throat. Murdered before their journey could even begin! She'd never get to see the Shire again, much less that blasted mountain, and she'd never burgle from a dragon and then go home and live in Bag End as a happy spinster with her books and her armchair and her tea and her prize tomatoes! No, because of these stupid Dwarves, there went her future! Why, she ought to wring Bofur's…neck.

Bella leaned back as far as she could as the Goblin King got very, very close to her. Her brown eyes widened to resemble her mother's West Farthing china dishes. "Exc…use me?" She whimpered.

The King didn't move. "Whose wedding are you going to?" He asked Bofur while continuing to stare at the tiny Hobbit lass.

Bofur puffed out his chest, all manly Dwarven pride. "Why, we're heading ta my own!" He said jovially as he pulled Bella closer. "Wouldn't ya know, this fair young lass, after meeting her when me kin and I were traveling through her lovely patch o' land, agreed ta marry me! O'course, we have ta go ta Dunland ta marry on account of the rest of me kin being there. After tha', we're gonna head back to settle in with her family. Sounds just lovely, don't it?" He beamed up at the King. Bella stared at him in utter shock. How on earth could he concoct such…such lies and blurt them out as if they were truth with the confidence of a king?

And why was he dragging her along into his lies?!

The Goblins…

Actually seemed to be BELIEVING him. Tears were pouring down the King's face. Many of the other Goblins were similarly affected. "That's so beautiful!" He sobbed. He grabbed the scribe's scroll to wipe his tears away. Bella winced as snot and tears dribbled everywhere. How disgusting…do Goblins not know what pocket hankies are?

"OF COURSE I CANNOT KEEP YOU HERE! WHO AM I TO DENY A COUPLE IN LOVE?! RELEASE ALL THE DWARVES AT ONCE!"

Bella's eyes nearly fell out of her head. "Huh?" She said very intelligently. "We…we can go?"

"Of course little one! I refuse to stand in the way of true love! You are all free to go!"

By this time, every Dwarf was staring in utter shock, not at the Goblins who were herding them toward the exit cheering about weddings and such swooningly beautiful romance, but at Bofur and Bella. They held off questions until the entire Company was outside the mountain.

Then the dam burst.

"Didn't know you were interested in our burglar, Bofur! Good lad!"

"YOU'RE ENGAGED? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME?"

"Kili, calm down. We'll get answers in a minute. Calm. Down."

"All right, pay up laddies, I called this one!"

"Don't you lay a hand on her! Hands off her right now!"

Thorin shouldered his way to stand in front of the blushing Hobbit and smirking Dwarrow. "Explain yourself, Bofur. Why have you laid a claim on the Hobbit?"

Before Bofur could answer his king, Bella shoved herself forward. "You have no right to say I'm something to be claimed, oh king! If Bofur wishes to bind himself to me, you can't disagree! He saved our necks with his quick thinking. You should be thanking him, not jumping down his throat. Apologize. Now."

Thorin swallowed, actually intimidated by the tiny woman. "My apologies, Bofur." So the little Hobbit had managed to twist the King around her finger? No surprise.

Bofur was staring at her like she had shot up ten inches and turned into an Elf. He knew she was a spitfire, but to actually argue against Thorin on his behalf? She was showing another side he enjoyed seeing. "Oi, lass, didn't know ya were interested in me like tha'." Bofur winked at the plump Hobbit. She looked at him curiously. He waited for the other shoe to drop when she realized what exactly she said. Her scarlet blush didn't disappoint.

"I…! Uh, that is to say, I, um," the normally poised Miss Baggins was reduced to a stuttering, flustered mess. And it was quite frankly adorable.

"'s alright, lass, I understand if ya don't want ta take things too fast. After all, we did only meet a few weeks ago."

"BOFUR I'M GOING TO RIP THAT MUSTACHE RIGHT OFF YOUR FACE IF YOU DON'T STOP IT RIGHT NOW!"

And thus that is how the Company of Thorin Oakenshield escaped the clutches of the Goblins. Who knew Goblins were such romantics?

A/N: I...just...I don't know. Crack. Pure and utter crack y'all. No words... Hope you liked it! (And doesn't the Goblin King sound suspiciously like Major Armstrong from FMA:B? He's just missing the sparkles!)