It was a while before Hawke decided to come and visit me again.

Our last argument had left a foul mood hanging over both of us for some time. I saw her around now and then, spending pretty much every waking moment in the company of Fenris - who was still acting as if nothing was going on between them.

No matter how much she buttered him up or flirted he just flat out ignored it, even though she swore they were still together.

I'd spent most of my day sitting around doing nothing, I would try to write only to find inspiration leaving me faster than my will to stay awake. Nothing felt natural about it the way it usually would. Every sentence felt too carefully constructed and strange to read. In the end I decided that I would give up on any of my commercial stuff for the day. The only things I really wanted to write were the thoughts swimming around in my head vis a vis romantic intentions and troubles.

Maybe it would help to write it all down - but what could I even say? Making a pros and cons list felt like something you did when you were fourteen years old and you weren't sure if you liked Frederick or Jimmy better. Still, that's what I found myself doing. Pros and cons. Like a lovesick teenager. Pros and cons of telling Hawke what I'd been thinking, pros and cons of never telling her, pros and cons of talking to Bianca about it. Eventually the evening rolled around and I found I was surrounded by various lists and comparisons.

There was a knock at the door, so I gathered up the parchments and shoved them in my desk drawer.

"Yeah?" I called out.

The door swung open slowly to show Hawke standing there. She looked as awkward as she did the day we were dug out of the snow - but at the same time she was more determined than she seemed of late.

"Hey…" she trailed off.

I grunted in response, gesturing to the room as an offer for her to come in, she shook her head.

"No, uhm, I was just checking you were here."

I raised an eyebrow, confused by the way she stood on the other side of the doorway like it was a barrier.

"Where else would I be?"

"Will you, will you still be here later?"

I shrugged, rubbing the back of my neck. This was really out of sorts, Hawke wasn't acting like herself at all.

"Sure? There's nowhere I'm planning on going."

"Right. Good."

She clenched and unclenched her hands awkwardly and left. I was really struggling to put together what was going on in her head any more - it sounded like she intended to come back at some point. Why, the Maker only knew.
It would be a few hours before she returned.

There was another telltale knocking on my door, light enough that I might not hear it.

"Hello?" I called out, and as predicted Hawke pushed the door open.

She stood out in the hall again, and I gestured for her to come inside. This time she licked her lips nervously and stepped through. It was completely silent between us, her staring at me intensely and I doing my best to match it while slumped back in my chair. Eventually she took a deep breath and cleared her throat.

"I left him. For real."

The walls seemed to melt into a realm of imagination, and I was vaguely aware that I had stood and closed some of the distance between us, but it felt like a dream. It was as if I had to fight against the air to move at all. There was still a few feet separating us but at least this felt more personal and more like it used to be than being sat all the way across the other side of the room.

"How, I mean, why?"

"I realised it wasn't working." she swallowed hard and my eyes followed the movement of her throat. "I felt like it wasn't worth lying to myself."

I knew what she was saying but I wanted to hear it outright.

"Lying to yourself about what?"

There was a pause, it was heavy with anticipation. In the end she made a sound that was something like a disgruntled cough and closed the final distance between us.

"Varric I…" she trailed off again, those wild eyes never left me. "I don't know if I ever really wanted Fenris or if I felt like I should."

"Mhm…" I mumbled knowing exactly where the conversation was headed but not sure if I had the willpower to stop it.

"But, I really need you."

They were the magic words, right now all that concerned me was Hawke and what she wanted and what she needed. She was telling me that she needed me, and I wasn't about to deny her that.

I hadn't responded right away and it set her on edge.

"Shit, sorry, no that was stupid. Ignore me, fucking hell."

I shushed her, knowing I was going to regret it and took her hand, pressing a kiss to the back of it.

This became the first time that we had any physical contact like this without any alcohol or pressure involved. There was only desperation and a sense of want greater than I think I've experienced before or since. For those who might need it spelled out for them, Hawke spent the night, and the experience is something that will forever be burned into my memory. The experience followed by the guilt in the morning. We'd done this, and for Hawke there was no guilt, no consideration of someone else that she'd wronged - she was finally rid of that weight on her mind. I, however, thought only about Bianca. At first about what I'd done, the trust I'd broken. Then about her and the position she was in, that in reality I would have been stupid to assume that she didn't have to sleep with her husband.

Somehow that realisation didn't make me feel any better. It just seemed like excuses to cover up my sins. Yeah, of course Bianca had to do things she didn't want to do - but that was just it. She didn't want to. There was a massive difference between doing something out of obligation and doing something because you wanted to do it.

I didn't want to punish Hawke because of my misgivings, if I sent her away after this I'd be doing exactly one of the things I got angry with Fenris about.

If I didn't send her away, what was I supposed to do? What was this? Did I just unwittingly agree to a relationship or was this a one-time thing? Would I be happy if it was?

It hurt to think about it all.

Hawke stirred next to me, groggy and somewhat bashful. It was adorable and that just made things worse. I smiled at her sheepishly and rubbed the back of my head.

"Hey Champ."

She snorted, a combination of a laugh and a grunt.

"Wow, what a thing to hear first thing in the morning."

I laughed nervously, I knew she could tell from the way she was eyeing me. Still, she didn't press. Something witty should have come out of my mouth then, maybe a casual 'you'd better get used to it' or something like that, but my anxiety about the whole thing was cutting me short.

Hawke looked like she was contemplating what to say next, in the end she decided there was no way to brush it all off - but that didn't mean she couldn't joke about it.

"I guess you were right about the chest hair." She grinned at me as she said this.

"What?"

"You know, that manly magnetism."

"Oh yeah, all those open shirts are just to tease everyone with."

I couldn't help but crack a smile at that one. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad just to enjoy this moment. I could allow myself this one thing in life and then I could focus on fixing my messes. If there was anything I could only do once or not at all, spending a morning with Hawke was a high priority.

"Does milady require breakfast?" I asked eventually, trying to contain my chuckling. "I'm afraid I don't have a maid."

"Then, milord, you should be the gentleman and fetch it for me."

She looked at me in a way that dared me to say no, so I did.

"Hm, I'm not sure I feel up to it, I guess we'll both have to starve."

I was swiftly hit in the face with a pillow. Repeatedly.

"Go! Fetch, errand boy!"

Hawke was laughing and so genuinely happy, it was the first time I'd really seen that look on her face since before all this shit started happening to us. Since before her mother, and Carver.

It took my breath away.