TITLE: Soul Survivor

CHAPTER: 5, Price

"If I had but an hour of love if that be all that is given me, an hour of love upon this earth, I would give my love to thee." ―Alice Sebold, The Lovely Bones

Master Chief POV

"There you are, Master Chief. You missed the staff meeting."

4940469906.632 cubic meters of the ship and she managed to locate me. I don't have to look up to know the identity of the person approaching. She doesn't have to talk because her presence is evident by her unique scent and the pattern of her footsteps. I faced Commander Palmer from my shadowed spot by the view screen to see her smiling. The fact that smile is for me is still new. The intimacy we shared on Sanghelios a memory that crowds thoughts of duty and shines in my memories like no other.

Perhaps, once when I located Cortana…The horror of the Grave Mind. She needed me then. Grief caught me unaware. Her voice spoke to me still. Is it my mind reaching for her presence? …We exist together now, two corpses in one grave. I reassure myself that she's not dead. Yet I've lost her as surely as when she left me on Requiem. Forcing those thoughts away I turned to face the woman striding toward me.

I wasn't exactly hiding. Dressed in simple fatigues, she's a welcome light into my gloomy thoughts. With her hair in a girlish ponytail, she looked young and unguarded. I checked myself. She may be the only Spartan IV, who managed to move gracefully in her armor, but she's also a capable soldier. Deadly, in fact. The tone of her voice is not a reprimand or indicative of an officer to an enlisted sailor. But we are both in uniform, so I wait for her to speak. Five days since our intimate encounter. Five days since we left Sanghelios. Five days of endless debriefings and reports. Five days since Cortana's betrayal and five sleepless nights. I pushed thoughts of revenge and self-blame aside and opened my arms to her. She hesitated. Our eyes met, and she cocked her head.

The last time I held Sarah Paler in my arms was on Sanghelios in a grotto hidden from the world by a waterfall. Now that I've had a chance to process the events our mission, Cortana's betrayal may have been inevitable. That this woman came to me, chose me was not. Alone in the grotto by the hidden pond, the pressure of her arms around my waist and fingers spread across my back had felt so new. The feel of her breath on my neck was almost magical the way it stirred the small hairs. Magical? I have changed, haven't I?

The sensations created by her body against mine ran along my muscles and nerves like the fire from a plasma weapon. I remembered how it intensified when I used my hands to mold her against me. How with a firm touch and softly intoned words she demanded that I actively participate in our sexual encounter. Even the memories bring thoughts of satisfaction and stir my body.

She's watching me. What does she see? A man no who's no longer young staring at her with what must be a puzzled look. She does not wish to share affection with me now? I understand. Before I turn away, she surprised me by ducking under my arm and embraced me. Then she leaned back in my arms and read my mind. Can all women do this?

"Where's that grotto when you need it?"

"It's not far," I admitted and pressed my cheek to hers.

Her answer is to press her lips to mine. She tastes different this morning, with a heady mixture of mint and coffee mixed with the scent of her shower-fresh hair and skin. For a long moment, I allowed myself to enjoy the touch of her lips on mine.

The questions that boiled in my mind for five days would not stay silent and kept me from focusing. I needed to discuss this with Cort...Commander Palmer. With her face framed in my hands, I pushed her away. I had to ask someone.

"Sarah, tell me. Was I a fool to follow Cortana?"

Her eyes flashed. Was that anger? Kissing one woman while thinking of another...probably not a wise tactical choice.

"A fool? John, is that what you think? No, and don't be so hard on yourself. It's easy to forget out here in space, so far from genuine..." she stopped, "…make that regular human contact. The Spartan training, if we let it, hollows us out, and turns us into mindless soldiers."

"That is a harsh assessment."

"You should know that better than anyone. It's the truth. We lock ourselves behind the armor and the training. We forget how to be human."

"Human? Humanity is always a mission priority." I couldn't make light of this or pretend it hadn't happened. I put my team in danger to pursue an enigma. Placed even more people at risk by putting my personal issues first. She frowned when I removed her arms.

With the distraction of her affection gone, I said what I needed to say. What must be said.

"Commander Palmer, I wish to remove myself from active duty. My decisions were biased and endangered my team." There, I'd said it aloud. Admitted the thing gnawing at my insides since Cortana's betrayal. She will see my weakness now, and I will understand. Instead of moving away, she moved closer and forced me to look at her.

"Master Chief, no one denied your right to retrieve Cortana. Blue team would have gone AWOL to help you find her. I would have gone AWOL to help you find her. You were unbeatable together." Her hand smoothed my cheek. I barely avoided leaning into the touch. "Hey, one of the great things about being in charge of the Spartans is I get to read all of the mission reports. Did you believe she became flesh and blood?"

"No, my sensors registered nothing but energy. She had changed. She looked older—more like Halsey. Exactly like Halsey. The gentle intelligence and warmth of…of my, Cortana had been wiped away by megalomania of Dr. Halsey. I thought I could reach her, but she was gone. It was all a trick to test me and lure us into her web."

The anger started to build in me, and I have no focus for it. Sarah is persistent and tried to embrace me again.

"I know this doesn't make sense now, but in time, you'll remember the good things. The things you loved about her. The things about your partnership and her that you treasured."

"Love?"

"Give me your hand Master Chief."

I wanted to give in and touch her again.

"Come on, there's no one around."

And I wanted to trust her as I once trusted Cortana. What I wanted? When have my wants ever been a consideration? As I watched this woman reach for my hand, I speculated at her intentions. She's beautiful and brilliant. Today I feel as if I'm nothing more than a ghost. An apparition left to walk the empty battlefields. A solitary creature standing on a pile of dead bodies with blood rising over my boots...the stench...I fear it…I feel their pain...the millions, billions of dead...They rage against the waste of their lives.

I can no longer defend against it.

Their voices rose, hammering around inside my head. Why didn't you save me, Master Chief? Why didn't you save my platoon? We waited for you. We trusted you to rescue us. Me and my buddies waited for you, until… we couldn't wait anymore. They overran us, Chief. I watched them slice my buddies into bloody ribbons. Why, Master Chief? Why?

The guilt washed over me, and I found no defense against it. The bulkhead gave when I fell against it. I am stripped bare. Bent double as decades of agony and violence rose inside me burning from the inside, I'm dimly aware of cools hands touching me and Sarah's frown. Not in judgment, a part of me knows that. It's her stubborn resolve that kept her here. It is not in her nature to abandon her troops. I know that, and I understand, but I cannot allow to anyone to see this weakness. Not even her. The old training rose to the surface and took over. My emotions ebbed away. Don't laugh, don't feel, don't think, follow the Spartan in front of you. Move. Fight. Live.

A shaky hand reached for me and applied gentle fingertips to the front of my shirt. The action angered me. Sarah, you are everything that is the opposite of timid. Why now? A memory flashed, and another palm flattened against my armor. How long will this moment haunt me?

...I waited so long to do that...I'm not coming with you this time...Most of me is down there...I needed to know if I could still trust you...Goodbye, John."

"Leave me!"

Her jaw hardened as a woman's concern turned to a Naval officer's reserve. Good. The barriers are back in place. Good. Now she will leave. Instead, I heard the confident tone of command, the sound of an officer accustomed to giving orders.

"Master Chief. The gym. One hour. It's not a request."

She's gone. I listened to her footsteps until even I can't hear them. Come back, Sarah. She took the air and the light with her. I returned to my silent vigil.

~o0o~

The gym was empty. I wondered if that is her doing. The treadmill seemed like a good start, so I took my place on the machine and began the program. Thirty minutes later Commander Palmer entered dressed in workout clothes, and two pairs of boxing gloves slung over her shoulder.

She tossed a pair of gloves to me and kept walking. When I joined her in the ring, she shoved in a mouth guard and a protective mask and rose on the balls of her feet.

"I will not fight you, Sarah."

That was the wrong thing to say. What I know about a woman's mind couldn't fill my helmet, but something tells me she won't let up until we reach an outcome only she knows. Why doesn't she just tell me? She spun and kicked me hard enough with her right foot to knock me back a pace.

"Commander Palmer. I. Will. Not. Fight. You."

This time, I caught the left foot she aimed at my head. She's very fast. Impressive.

"Commander Palmer, there are excellent reasons why I don't spare. Tell me, is the phrase, talk about what's bothering you, applicable?"

Clearly, she can't talk around the mouth guard, but it's possible she growled just before she aimed her head at my solar plexus. After completing the move, she regained her feet and kicked the gloves off the mat in my direction. Perhaps I should have reacted differently? She seemed angrier now.

I donned the gloves thinking about how hard I hit that light bridge after the Ur-Didact released me. That had been painful. Sarah, have you ever hung by your fingers dangling over space with broken ribs and dislocated shoulder? I doubted it.

She never saw my right hook coming. The blow dropped her gracefully to her knees. I knew better than to offer to help her up. See? I am learning.

Sarah launched herself from the floor at me. I let her knock me down, and I turned so that I hit the mat first. I allowed her to straddle my hips while she grinned at me triumphantly. Sweat darkened her hair dark with streaks of red reflecting off the lights. The t-shirt she wore molded over her curves, and I watched her chest heaving with exertion.

Where is that grotto when you need it?

Before long, voices let me know we acquired an audience. I directed my attention back to Commander Palmer, and I leaped to my feet. The momentum tossed Sarah across the mat, and she landed hard. Cheered on by our audience, Sarah pushed herself up. Will she charge again or take the time to study my body language. I do not wish to embarrass her in front of subordinates. Doesn't she remember the morning she witnessed me drop DeMarco to the mat in just one move? While DeMarch lay there gasping for breath, Thorne and Hoya rushed me. They quickly joined DeMarco on the mat. All three of them on their hands and knees. I cannot help what I am.

Perhaps I can change how I react to this new world? This world where I can longer pretend Cortana is was the only thing I needed to survive. While I considered the probable outcomes of Sarah's next move, I remembered a time when Fred, Linda, Kelly and I squared off in a ring. After two hours of grappling, Fred finally pinned me. Until Kelly charged in and threw her shoulder against him. Their momentum carried him to the other side of the mat. When he tried to retaliate, Linda dove in to defend Kelly.

Three hours later all four of us lay in a sweating pile each using the other's weight and strength to hold the other down. We probably had another three hours left in us, but Halsey caught us and put a stop to the fight. Later, I overheard Chief Mendez and Dr. Halsey discussing the incident. Chief laughed off her concern and called it a team building moment?

Across the ring, Commander Palmer gathered herself. Fierce, beautiful and deadly.

'Come then, warrior. Have your resolution.'

Something inside me began to expand. Call it my heart, if it suits you. I couldn't stop it any more than I could stop Sarah's angry assault. I'd experienced glimpses of this feeling with Cortana. Occasionally with Kelly and Linda. It's all very simple, isn't it? Can I put the violence behind me? I desire her and all she represents. I need only to prepare myself. It is that simple.

I braced my feet. This will not be easy because I am new to this, but I want to learn.

If I open my arms, how will she answer? The force of her nature staggers me. Me, the man named John, an unconquerable Spartan II, knew in the expanding warmth of my mind and heart that in her embrace, exist wisdom, companionship, and passion.

There is a place, I don't understand it yet, but I know there is a place for her beside me. Just as I know healing when she rests against the once impenetrable planes of my soldier's frame, against the scars and the wounds that never heal. The way she rests her head on my shoulder to the fingers gripping the back of my shirt, to the long legs wrapped so brazenly around my waist and the liquid warmth of her eyes when she challenged me to accept what I saw there.

Her frustration comes at me in waves. I'll plant my feet and ready myself.

Hurry, Sarah.