Sardines and Sprinkles

Disclaimer: I do not own any recognizable names in this fic, but really, does that surprise anyone? I mean, can you imagine the WWE if I wrote for it? Crack...Pure crack... With a scary amount of feathers and brotherly feels. Actually, look at the New Day, and then picture the entire WWE as crazy cracky as they are (with a few stereotypical villainous heel characters with names like Killer and Butch for good measure).

Blame/Fault: This came about because Captainbartholomew was talking about driving her grandma to choir practice...And for whatever reason, I pictured her grandma cornering Dean and talking to him about various old lady issues...I really don't know why my brain associates the things it does with Dean Ambrose, but for whatever reason, I always associate Dean with old ladies because...why not? Really though, I don't have an explanation other than it's probably Captain's fault, so that means that I'll dedicate this fic to her.

Dean had spent the last twenty minutes of his evening, listening to the elderly woman in front of him babble incessantly at him about everything from Bingo to dairy farming in Wisconsin while waiting in line of the local Win Dixie to check out. All Dean wanted was to purchase his basket of only a few items. He knew that his order would only take a maximum total of five minutes, which included the time he would spend flirting with the cute cashier. The only issue was that the people in front of him all were in possession of large cart loads of items, and there was only one checkout lane open.

"Do you have any children of your own, dear?"

Dean blinked at the terrifying prospect of him having kids and trying to ensure that they didn't turn out at least half as messed up as he was. "Nope"

"Oh, that's quite all right, dear; you're still quite young. I imagine that you'll find the right girl to marry and then…"

Dean wondered how likely it would be to bludgeon himself with any of the items in his shopping basket. Bag of mini marshmallows? Not likely. Bag of M&Ms? He doubted that they could inflict enough damage on his tougher-than-cement skull. Maybe if he ripped open the bag and slipped on the candies, he could hit his head just hard enough to cause some damage.

"And you wouldn't believe how well my granddaughter does in school. She's on the Dean's list…"

Plastic bottle of chocolate syrup? Huh, Dean tilted his head in consideration of the item and assessed how much damage he could render with it. He would have to hit himself with quite a bit of force.

"And so I told her, you need to find a nice man. Stop spending time with your weird friend and instead look for your future husband…"

Dean nodded, absentmindedly. Loaf of white bread? Seth had requested wheat, but in order to conserve time, Dean had grabbed the first loaf he saw. Dean had wanted to get back to the Shield's game night as soon as humanly possible. They were waiting on him in order to begin WWE Monopoly. Now he wondered if the comparatively heavier wheat bread would've sufficed for the task instead of the white.

"They are quite close; she even brought her as a plus one to one of Mary's daughter's wedding. Of course as friends! But as I keep telling her, I'm not getting younger, and I want to see my great-grandchildren!"

Jar of hot fudge? He could definitely mark it as a possibility. The glass could sever something vital.

"Don't you agree, young man?"

Dean blinked and stared at the old lady for a moment. "I- uh- yeah. Makes sense to me, ma'am."

The old woman laughed. "I'm relieved that someone can see my side of the story. And please, call me Carol."

"Oh. Thanks, Carol."

"And what is your name, dear?"
Dean continued to stare at the contents of his basket. Sprinkles? Definitely not. Oh wait, the old lady – Carol - was asking him something. "Sorry, what?"

"I asked you what your name was, young man."

"Oh, uh, Dean"

"Oh, what a lovely name. One of our neighbors back in- oh dear, was it 68 or 89? Well, whichever year it was, one of our neighbors had a son named, Dean. He was an awfully mischievous..." Dear lord, could this lady talk. Dean found himself nodding along with whatever she was babbling on about. A part of his psyche warned him that he was only encouraging the woman, and at this rate, she would never shut up.

"And he was so short, that Dean. Only came up to my shoulders, and as you can see, I am by no means a tall woman…"

As irritated as he felt at the moment, he couldn't bring himself to be rude to an old lady. At least, he was almost at the checkout lane. There was only Carol in front of him after the current order was completed.

"And his voice! The poor boy never seemed to hit puberty! His voice was high and squeaky as Alvin and the Chipmunks. You would assume that little Dean would never be very popular with the ladies, but he was fairly successful…"

Dean wondered if he should take offense to this lady's descriptions to someone who shared his name. Was she very subtly trying to make a jab at him? Eh, probably not. He shook his head and tapped his fingers on the basket's handles. It was a good thing that Roman had ice cream at his house; otherwise, it would have melted during this ridiculous wait. As it was, Dean was sure that his brothers were anxious for him to return, not even because they missed him, but mostly so that they could commence the sundae feast.

"I will never forget that night. My husband and I caught that little Dean canoodling with his girlfriend in our barn! It was quite scandalous I thought I would have heart failure at the sight of that skinny boy's-"

"I can help whoever's next." The cashier's exhausted voice stopped Carol in mid-story. Thank baby Jesus for small favors.

Carol laughed. "I suppose I'll have to continue this story later." She carefully pushed her cart forward and began to unload all of her selections onto the counter.

Dean eyed up her overflowing cart and closed his eyes. Maybe he'd get out of Winn Dixie before the night was over; however, not even he was crazy enough to place a bet on that and challenge those odds.

Dean finally reached the checkout counter after another solid fifteen minutes, which was interesting to say the least. Carol's checkout consisted of the cahier carefully scanning items while having a spirited debate with Carol on whether the price was right or whether the store was out to get Carol and force her to spend more money than she needed. Then the cashier entered in all of Carol's coupons, which was more than a sizable stack. They had been contained in a gallon sized Ziploc bag that refused to close all the way due to the sheer amount of paper it contained. And throughout the entire process, Carol discussed the various pros and cons of Christmas decorations, made all the less relevant with the fact that it was mid-July.

Dean sighed as he plopped his basket onto the counter. He debated whether or not to whip out his charming smile and begin flirting with the cashier. He decided against it for the time being. He had been waiting way too long to be immediately nice to people.

"I'm sorry about the wait, sir," the cashier told him. She had wide blue eyes, a pretty smile, and a tag with the name, Ellen, on it. "Normally, y'all wouldn't be waiting that long since we normally have like two or three of us working, but Mary Sue had a family emergency and couldn't come in today. I can't tell you how much that sucks; she's definitely the best cashier I've ever worked with, and she always looks so cute while doing it. So you're stuck with me tonight. "

Dean leaned onto the counter slightly and grinned. "Don't worry about it, darling."

Ellen blushed at Dean's antics and carefully pulled out and scanned Dean's sundae supplies. She made a face and looked at Dean questioningly when she pulled out a random can of sardines from underneath the sweets and bread. Dean shrugged at her. Where did those come from? Dean furrowed his brow, trying to remember when and why he grabbed those.

Were they for Seth? They were protein, which could be considered healthy. Were they a part of some weird new health craze to make sundaes healthy? Dean pictured Seth making his sundae with hot fudge, sprinkles, and several medium sized sardines lying across the top. He grimaced. Boy, Seth was weird. If you had any doubts, just look at his hair.

He blinked at the cashier and realized that she had just read him the total. Without really paying attention, he handed her some money, and she handed him back his change. "Have a good night, darling," he told her, and she blushed again at the pet name. Then he scooped up the couple of plastic bags, and he began walking to the exit and to the parking lot. He would need to cut across the parking lot to walk back to Roman's house.

Dean could have driven the couple of blocks to the store, but when he had stepped out in the mid evening and had seen how nice the night was, he couldn't bring himself to coop himself up in the tin can of a Chevy Lumina. Instead, he decided to enjoy the one of the only times the Florida air wasn't trying to conspire against him and force him to melt in a smelly puddle of sweat. In fact, the evening wasn't even humid; Dean even was enjoying a cool breeze that periodically tousled his hair.

The Lunatic Fringe hadn't even gotten through the parking lot when he ran into Carol again. The lady was paused next to the open trunk of her car with her heaping cart of grocery bags. Dean casually glanced around to try to determine if he could sneak around the grandma. Carol's head shot up, and she made eye contact with the Fringe. Shit.

"Ohh, Dean! You have perfect timing. Come over here, dear; I need your help."

Dean chewed on the skin around his thumbnail, trying to determine if he could live with himself if he abandoned the old lady. Yeah, he wouldn't ever see her again. It was no skin off his teeth. He continued to bite his thumb as he continued to walk. Really, he didn't care about some old lady… But why was it he could picture Seth and Roman giving him very disappointed looks right now? Dean gnawed some more as he tried to ignore the imagined dirty looks his teammates weren't giving him because they weren't there…

"Are you really going to leave an old woman alone when she specifically asked you for help?" Roman's deep voice rumbled into his right ear as the miniature version of Roman Reigns that could only be a figment of his imagination. This Roman stood on his shoulder and wore a little gold halo over his impressive mane of dark hair.

"Yeah, man, that's pretty low. You know, you're better than theat." A glance to his left shoulder revealed a similar mini version of Seth Rollins. The only difference between Seth and Roman was that Seth had a fluffy pair of white angel wings instead of a halo.

Figures, Dean thought; only he would get stuck with two personifications of angels on his shoulders instead of one angel and one devil. That must say something about his psyche. Perhaps he was already too "devil may care"….

"Dean…"

Dean huffed out a breath around his thumb and walked towards the elderly woman. "Yes?"

"Oh, honey, stop that nibbling. It's a nasty habit," Carol berated him. Carol actually had the nerve to reach out and nudge Dean's hand away from his mouth. Dean stared at the old lady. "Now, be a dear and help me with these groceries. My arthritis is acting up again."

Dean didn't really appreciate being rebuked and then ordered about by an ancient lady that talked way too much. The problem was that he couldn't fight a little old lady. After all, he wasn't Randy Orton. Also, Dean considered how disappointed Seth would be if he had to call him to bail him out of jail…

With these thoughts in mind, Dean set his own two plastic bags down on the pavement, and he muttered a "yeah, yeah" while he began to gather up Carol's groceries and place them into the trunk. The entire process was filled with Carol's play by play of how her son was considering buying a large inflatable Santa Clause for his front yard this year.

Dean nearly slammed the trunk closed when he finished packing it, and he wheeled the cart to the cart corral that Carol had parked right next to.

"Oh, dear, I didn't realize how long this shopping trip would take. I'm not supposed to drive in the dark. My eyes have gotten so bad. I have horrible cataracts, just awful. I can barely see you right in front of me now"

"That…sucks," Dean mumbled. He had a feeling that he knew where this was going.

"I would drive home, but I can barely see you right now. Those cataracts… I pray you never get them. Oh dear, I would just hate to endanger everyone on the road. I just-"

"I'll drive." Dean's voice came out something like a growl.

"Oh, no, I couldn't ask that of you," Carol said with a warm smile.

"No really, it's fine. I'll drive you home."

"Oh, I couldn't make you do that! I-"

"Carol," Dean paused and stopped himself from snapping at the lady. "It's fine; I offered. Let's just get you home."

"Bless you, Dean. You're a sweetheart."

Dean winced at Carol's words as he wedged himself into the amazingly compact driver's seat. For a second, he felt completely stupid because of how closely he was pressed up against the steering wheel, like a clown in a comically small car. He fumbled around for the lever to scoot it back in order to give himself some semblance of leg room. Letting out a sound of triumph when he finally did find the lever, Dean pulled it forward and tried to push his seat back. The seat didn't budge. Dean growled and pushed even harder, yielding no result. He muttered under his breath and jostled the lever a bit.

"Oh dear, that seat won't move. The lever is broken," Carol supplied, helpfully.

Dean stared at the old lady for a moment before closing his eyes and thinking about Seth not wanting to bail him out of jail…again. He turned the key in the ignition and put the car into drive. Instead of backing up out of the parking stall, Dean simply pulled through the spot in front of their stall and started maneuvering the car out of the lot.

"Dean, dear, you shouldn't pull through parking spots. It's a bad habit. It's much better to always practice good driving… Turn right."

Dean scowled as he very gingerly rotated the steering wheel to the right with his very limited range of arm movement.

"I am sorry about that lever. Usually, the seat being this close doesn't bother me since I am not that tall, but on the other hand, you seem to be very tall and very fit. You must work out. I used to be able help out around the farm back in the day, but now with my arthritis and my bad ankle, it's not a good idea…"

Dean tuned out for a little while as he drove.

"Can you believe it, Dean?"

Dean frowned. "Um, no?"

"That's how I feel, too. In all my years of shopping here, it's never taken an hour to checkout before."

Dean caught on to what the old lady had been ranting about. "Yeah, it's crazy, huh?"

"I just don't understand why that took so much time."

Dean shrugged. "The cashier told me that someone called in because of some family thing."

"Goodness, that must have been that sweet Mary," Carol said. "Hopefully, everything is all right. The blue house on the right is mine."

Dean nodded and pulled into the driveway.

"So do you have family in this area, Dean?" Carol asked.

Dean considered. "Yup. My older brother lives around here with his family."

"Do you have any other siblings?"

Dean carefully extracted himself from the driver's seat, wincing as he finally stretched out. "Yeah, I have a younger brother. He's down here, too, visiting. He's from Iowa though."

Carol smiled. "With his wife and kids?"

Dean snorted. "If you count Kevin, then yes… That's his little rat dog."

"Do you have any pictures of you boys? I bet you all have the same beautiful blue eyes."

Dean fished his phone out of his pocket and fumbled with it for a little bit. Why was that light on the top of his hone screen blinking at him? Eh, probably wasn't anything too important. "Here we go," Dean said as he pulled up a photo of the three of them in work-out clothes. He held out the phone to Carol. "That's Seth on the right, Roman in the middle, and yours truly on the left."

"Hmm," Carol said as she studied the photo. "You either have most of the recessive genes, or your father was the milkman."

Dean snorted. "Something like that."

"I hope you and your big brother don't pick on Seth too much; he's quite smaller than you, two." Carol's face was suddenly stern.

"Wouldn't dream of it, Carol." Dean's smirk reappeared.

"You wouldn't mind carrying those into the house for me, would you?"

"Nah, I might as well since I'm already here."

That easy-going comment haunted Dean for the rest of the night.

After carrying all of Carol's groceries into her kitchen, he somehow was convinced to not only put everything away but, also, to fold each of her reusable bags and neatly place them in their designated drawer for storage. Then she was able to get him to dust the lighting fixture on the ceiling and clean off the top of the fridge.

She convinced him to do all of this by pointing out all of her various medical ailments, and she, also, pointed out how much taller Dean was than her and how he would be able to use that height to reach all of these high spots in her kitchen. That comment was also responsible for Carol deciding that Dean needed to be repaid for everything with dinner.

As Dean sat at the kitchen table with Carol and her husband with a plate with a mouse-sized portion of supper spread out on it, Dean fully blamed Roman and Seth for the entire situation. If they hadn't guilt tripped him into helping Carol pack her car, he wouldn't be here in the first place! Never mind the fact that it wasn't really his teammates but only his personal mental representations of his brothers.

Dean rearranged the food on his plate. The chicken tenders were very ridiculously overcooked. He began to stack up the two tenders and the handful of tater tots on his plate, constructing a little tower.

"And I told her that—Dean, dear, don't play with your food. It's a bad habit. And I told her, Lynn, it's important that you…"

Dean frowned as he picked up one of the overcooked chicken tenders and raised it to his mouth. He attempted to take a bite and was displeased that he had to really chew to be able to eat the thing. He felt like a dog, gnawing on a bone.

"Now, Dean, I should show you the wonderful tape my friend shared with me," Carol said with a smile. "I think you'll find it very funny."

Dean instantly pictured another old lady dropping off an old VHS tape for Carol to watch that was probably of a family gathering. "Umm, okay?"

"I wasn't too sure of that Facebook thing at first, but it has grown on me. It's a wonderful way to stay in contact with all of my friends and my grandchildren. And those tapes you can share are wonderful."
"Tapes?" Dean wasn't very apt at technology, but he doubted anything on the social networking site would be called a tape.

"Oh, yes, it's a tape of a porcupine eating a pumpkin. It is darling."

"You mean a video?" Seth had watched that same video that morning and had commented that Kevin was cuter than the porcupine.

"Oh well, you see-"

The front door opening interrupted whatever Carol was about to say next. "Hey Grandma, I'm here to check in, and who, the hell, is that?"

"Oh, it's nice to see you. Lynn. This is Deanie."

"Deanie?" Dean asked with a disturbed look on his face.

Lynn still looked skeptical of the scenario but shrugged and ventured into the house while Dean continued to gnaw on his overcooked chicken tender.

"He's single," Carol stage whispered to Lynn.

Lynn flushed with embarrassed. "Grandma"

Carol leaned towards Dean who was still gnawing on the same chicken tender, absentmindedly. "Now Lynn is the granddaughter I mentioned earlier. She was on the Dean's list in college, and she graduated with honors. She's very smart and pretty." Carol raised her eyebrows on the last word.

"Grandma! Stop!" Lynn blushed deepened. "I don't need you to set me up with anyone, even if he… Where did you meet Dean?"

"I found him at the grocery store," Carol told Lynn in a conspiring tone. She added in a wink.

Lynn put her hands on her hips. "Grandma, you have to stop bringing poor guys home for free labor. It's wrong on so many levels. I don't want to have to bail you out of jail again because someone thought you kidnapped their boyfriend."

Dean worried about how similar Lynn's lecture to her Grandma sounded to some of the ones he received from Seth, except for the missing boyfriend part...

Carol shrugged. "I don't understand what I'm doing wrong, honey. He's happy. I fed him."

Lynn and Dean both looked at Dean's chicken tender and tater tot tower and then at the half gnawed one in his hand. Then Dean managed to meet Lynn's eyes. Help me, he mouthed.

Lynn sighed. "Grandma, I'm taking him. Someone has to return him to his home. I don't want anyone to freak out and send a search party. Come on, Dean. Let's get you home."

Dean jumped up from his seat and practically ran to Lynn's car, still holding the overcooked chicken tender in his outstretched hand. Before following him outside, Lynn picked up the two bags of groceries from the counter under the correct assumption that they were Dean's before she followed him out, sighing.

Carol's husband looked up from his dinner after the front door closed. "I liked him; very calm and quiet. Seems like an okay guy."

The drive to Roman's house was fairly quick. Lynn was still flushed red in embarrassment. "I'm really sorry about this entire thing. She means well, but she doesn't really think things through."

Dean glanced at her. "This happens fairly often?"

Lynn sighed. "More often than I'd like to admit," she paused before saying, "but never with a WWE wrestler before."

Dean grinned at her. "You know who I am?"

Lynn eased her car up to a stop sign. "Definitely"

"Huh, I didn't peg you as someone that would watch wrestling."

Lynn shrugged. "I've watched it since I was a kid."

Dean grinned. "Same here"

As Lynn pulled into Roman's driveway, Dean directed Lynn as to where she should park. Lynn shifted the car into park and looked over at Dean who was just beginning to unbuckle his seat belt. "It was nice to meet you."

"Likewise, Lynn. But you're not heading back already. You're going to head in for a little while, right? Since I've already hung out with your Grandma, you might as well meet my family. You in?"

Lynn raised her eyebrows. "You want me to come in? But my Grandma practically held you hostage?"

Dean smirked. "You're my rescuer. I might as well pay you back for getting me out of there and for chauffeuring me back."

Lynn laughed and turned off the car as Dean scurried out of the vehicle and shut the passenger side door.

The first thing Lynn heard when she opened her door was a muffled curse. Lynn stepped out of the car and looked over to Dean's side, gasping at what she saw: Roman Reigns.

The big man was leaning towards Dean with an angry expression on his face. "Where were you, Dean? Seth and I were worried. You've been gone for hours. I wanted to canvass the entire neighborhood, and Seth was convinced that he was going to get a phone call from you…from a prison cell."

"Sorry big man, I got accosted by an old lady… It was a weird night."

"You could've called."

Dean shrugged. "Probably true. You know me and my phone. We don't exactly get along."

Roman laughed and clapped a hand on Dean's shoulder. Then Dean said, "By the way, I picked up another player for the game."

Lynn smiled as Roman glanced over the car at her. "That's Lynn; she's the one responsible for getting me back here."

"Hello, sweetheart," Roman said with a smile before he looked back at Dean. "Dean, you might want to head inside, bro."

"Why's that?"

Lynn was almost positive that Roman only scratched his beard to hide his smile. "Well, Seth might have been dialing the police department when I was heading out here."

Dean swore under his breath and took off towards the house.

Lynn sighed and grabbed the grocery bags before she realized that Roman was watching her. She smiled, a little nervously and held up the bags. "He forgot these…again. I hope he's not in too much trouble. It wasn't his fault. My Grandma is…senile."

Roman shook his head. "Crazy family, I can relate to that." He gestured towards the front door. "Are you ready to head in?"

Lynn nodded and followed Roman Reigns to the door and was pleasantly surprised when he opened the door and held it open for her. "Thanks"

"I still can't believe you called the cops! But anyways, that's when the chick showed up and –hey, that's her. That's my rescuer, Lynn!" Dean pointed at Lynn as she walked into the kitchen. Seth Rollins and Roman's daughter, Leah, both turned to look at her.

Lynn smiled nervously. "Hi everyone; Dean, you forgot something."

"Oh yeah! The sundae supplies!" Dean walked over and grabbed the bags from Lynn. He started poking around in the bags. "Oh, apparently she's been a wrestling fan since she was about Leah's age."

Seth ginned at Lynn. "Is that so? Who was your favorite, growing up?"

Lynn groaned. "You're going to hate my answer."

Dean looked up from the grocery bags and smirked at her. "Don't tell us it was Cena."

Lynn rested one of her hands on her forehead and shook her head. "It was Cena."

Seth snorted and Roman shook his head. Dean eyed Lynn. "I thought you had better judgment than that."

"I was like eight! It was a regrettable phase!"

"Well, here's a chance for redemption. Who's your favorite wrestler now?" Seth asked with a smile.

Lynn grinned. "Dean"

Dean waggled his eyebrows.

"Well," Seth said, grinning. "That cements my theory that you have questionable taste."

Dean playfully shoved Seth before he began to pull out the items from the bags and set them out on the counter. Seth shook his head and went to the freezer.

"But seriously Dean, I just don't understand why you didn't answer your phone one of the million times we called you," Seth commented as he scoped out what flavor options they had. "It would've been easier than me having that awkward conversation with that lady from the police station."

Dean rolled his eyes. "That's your own fault; you called her up. And you didn't call me."

Roman snorted. "Yeah, we did."

Dean shook his head. "No, you didn't."

Leah held out her hand. "Uncle Dean, can I see your phone?"

Dean pulled it out of his jeans pocket and handed it over.

"The light on top tells you that you missed something," she said, pointing out the blinking light to Dean.

"Oh, that makes sense."

Roman shook his head, and Seth mumbled, "Of course, she knows more about technology than you do."

Dean lobbed a mini marshmallow him, and Seth caught it, popping it into his mouth.

"Vanilla or chocolate? Or both? Eh, never mind, both," Seth said, pulling out gallons of ice cream.

Lynn jumped slightly when Roman opened the cabinet behind her to grab out five bowls.

"Lynn, can you get out some spoons? You're right in front of the drawer." Dean asked as he crumpled up the plastic bags.

"How many do you need?"

"Five unless you don't want any ice cream," Dean said matter of fact.

Lynn looked up, surprised that she was included. "Wait, what?"

Seth raised an eyebrow. "If you want to play monopoly with us, you need ice cream. One does not simply play Monopoly without massive quantities of sugar."

Dean grinned at her. "It's tradition."

"Besides, we need someone to be bank. Those two always cheat by taking out loans on the side, and I'm sick of always getting stuck with the job," Roman explained.

"That sounds good to me. I don't mind being the banker." Lynn smiled and asked Roman, "Do they really cheat that much?"

"Nah, not really," Seth commented while Dean turned to Lynn, saying, "Nope"

Roman raised his eyebrows. "Don't listen to them. They're horrible; they cheat at everything. Never play cards with them."

"Uncle Dean, why'd you buy fish?" Leah asked.

Dean shrugged. "I dunno, ask your weirdo Uncle Seth."

Seth pulled a face as he picked up the can. "What are you talking about, man? I never asked you to get sardines. These things are nasty!"

"Well, I figured you're all into working out and cross fit, so you probably wanted extra protein in your sundae!"

Lynn and Leah both cringed and let out "Ewws" while Roman's deep chuckles filled the kitchen. Seth shook his head at Dean. "I don't even know why you'd think that, man. Were they even on the shopping list?"

Dean stared at Seth. "We had a list?"

Lynn smiled at the brothers' antics. And to think, she wouldn't be in this situation if her Grandma hadn't spent her evening, harassing Dean Ambrose in the grocery store.

This thing ended up being so much longer than what I expected; i originally was planning for a drabble length... So why don't you all leave me a few lines, telling me what you think? I'd appreciate it. :) And send all of your posititvity and unicorn magic to Seth to make him heal up faster!