That Rare Combination of Gorgeous and Greedy
Time: The near future, after Zou
"Seriously?"
"Yes."
"But I'm hungry!"
"You're always hungry."
"But I'm really, really hungry this time."
"…so just wait for an hour until we arrive at the island."
"Why can't you just cook now?! Your food's probably way better than a restaurant's anyway!"
With an arrogant, but appreciative smirk, Sanji took a draw from his cigarette and skillfully blew his smoke so as to avoid his whiny captain's face. "Not that you're wrong, of course, but we're going to the restaurant, and that's final."
"But I'm starving to death…" Luffy miserably drawled, slumping into the kitchen counter. His hunger had left his vision a hazy fog.
Sanji rolled his eyes and folded his arms. "Luffy, unless your face is giving Zoro's hair a run for its money and your eyes look like they're about pop out of your head, you're not gonna get me with that one. Just suck it up and have some patience for once in your life."
Taking the suggestion to heart, Luffy made an earnest effort to appear frail and famished. He scrunched his face up and widened his eyes out to ridiculous levels, and then chewed his thumb. All of the time training with Rayleigh taught him strange, but funny tricks with his body, one of which was redistributing the air in his rubber limbs to make certain body parts wilt rather than expand…which he did to make his entire upper body look withered (his legs had ballooned, but Sanji couldn't see that below the counter!).
All Luffy's ridiculous transformation did was make Sanji laugh. "No, some weird Negative-Third Gear doesn't count as starvation."
At his wit's end, Luffy dejectedly banged his head against the counter. "I don't get why you want us to go this stupid restaurant…" he groaned into the marble surface.
"I'll put it in simple terms for you," Sanji began. "Just like how pirates have rival crews, chefs have rival restaurants. Since it's not a matter of life or death like with piracy – well, most of the time, anyway – we go around the world and dine at other restaurants to 'scout.' See the competition, assess our own cooking, maybe pick up some interesting new foods and recipes, that kind of stuff."
"I guess it makes sense…" Luffy groaned. He gingerly lifted his head and reached his arm out. "But can I at least get a snack…" Luffy stretched his arm past Sanji and grasped for black door behind the chef that concealed another compartment. Sanji grabbed a nearby fork and sharply dug it right into Luffy's arm.
"OW!"
"Emergency supply, jackass!" Sanji reprimanded.
Luffy pulled his arm back and blew on the spot Sanji stabbed to sooth the pain. "Alright, alright, I'll wait 'til we get to the stupid island."
"Good," Sanji said as Luffy dragged himself away from the counter and headed for the door. "Oh, and freshen yourself up a bit. Put on something nice. We don't want to go in there looking like a bunch of miscreants."
Luffy turned around with a curiously arched eyebrow. "But we are miscreants."
The suave chef titled his head and smirked.
"Exactly."
Luffy thumbed through the rack of outfits in his compartment in the men's closet for something that lived up to Sanji's definition of "nice." What he really wanted to do was just steal one of Sanji's suits, but he was sure that would earn him an ass-kicking.
"My word, Luffy, you seem to have been in there for as long as I haven't been alive. Yohohohoho!"
Luffy turned around to greet the merry skeleton towering over his back and laughing. "Well, Sanji said we all gotta look nice when we go to that restaurant, buuuuuuut all of my clothes wouldn't really work." When he observed Brook's customary suit, his eyes lit up. "Oh wait, I can just use one of yours! And you won't kill me like Sanji would!"
"Well, um, I suppose you could try," the lanky skeleton cautiously replied.
Luffy didn't heed Brook's words and slid to his section of the closet. Moments later, after much digging and laboring, Luffy emerged in what he deemed to be the perfect suit…but since Brook had a good three feet on him, the blazer and pants were hanging on the teenager like rags.
"Jeez, you look like an Elbaf warrior who just got hit with a shrink ray," Usopp, who was merely wearing a black turtleneck sweater with matching overalls, remarked.
Luffy frowned and sighed dramatically. "Aw damn, if only my arms and legs were longer so I could fit Brook's clothes…"
Luffy suddenly crouched down and then stretched his four limbs out until his hands and feet extended past the cuffs of the blazer and suit, astounding the other men in the room.
"Oh wait, I can do that 'cause I'm elastic! Yohohohohoho, Rubber Joke!"
Franky, Usopp, Chopper, and Brook were laughing so hard at the tree-like Captain and his disproportionately long limbs that they were clutching their ribs (well, Brook wouldbe, if he had any). And when Luffy clumsily attempted to walk, stumbled, and fell on his ass, they were on the verge of tears.
"Maybe that wasn't the best idea," Luffy grumbled, though laughter was escaping his lips as well. He retracted his arms and legs back to their regular length. "Damn, what am I gonna wear?"
"Just wear whatever you want!" Franky ardently replied. "And if Sanji flips his wig, just tell him, 'I'm the Captain, and I DEMAND you let me wear this outfit!'" The free-spirited pervert worked himself into such a frenzy that he found himself posing for no reason at all.
Luffy hopped up and sprang back into the closet. "Sounds like a great idea, Franky!"
Moments later, Luffy returned from his closet, and the only thing significant about his appearance was that his jean shorts and cardigan had been replaced with jean pants and a red, buttoned up dress shirt. And of course, the Straw Hat stayed. He also tried spraying the bottle of cologne Sanji recommended that was sitting at the edge of his bed, but the overwhelmingly strong smell made his nose burn and prompted a harsh coughing fit. By the time he finished getting ready, the other boys were already outside, so he joined them.
When he stepped outside, the remainder of the crew, save for Zoro and Nami, were huddled up by Sanji like a team taking directions from its coach. Zoro, of course, was too busy sleeping against the ship's walls to care, while, Nami…actually, Nami was in the midst of stepping out from the girls' room.
After spraying her neck with perfume – tangerine-scented of course, because what else would suit her short, white dress decorated with patterns of the fruit that made her look like a dash of BADAM with a side of KAZOOM, a helping of "Dayuuuuuuuuuuuuum" and, uh, other superlative sound effects? – Nami noticed the gathering up front and the conspicuously absent Luffy, who was standing just feet from her.
"Damn, Luffy, even you look sharp tonight," Nami beamed, even making an exaggerating sizzling noise through her teeth.
"I guess." Luffy shrugged and averted his eyes from the only girl whose looks occasionally caught his eye, like on tonight.
When the two joined the rest of the crew with Sanji, Nami might as well have been wearing a shiny red ball for a dress, because the chef's attention was derailed in a split-second. "NAMI-SWAAAAAAAAN! You look absolutely radiant tonight!"
"Thanks, Sanji," Nami apathetically replied.
Descending back to reality, Sanji turned to his Captain. "And Luffy, nice to see even you managed to drag something somewhat decent out of that closet."
"I just don't get why we gotta look all nice and stuff," Luffy lamented, frowning as he looked down at his neat dress-shirt.
"Luffy does raise a good point," Usopp added. "And besides, we all know how he eats. That's his one good shirt and it's probably going to be a mess by the time this night's over."
"Yup!" Luffy cheered, wearing Usopp's remark like a badge of sloppy armor.
"Look, it's like this. We chefs have a certain way about us, almost like an aura we give off. I could spot another cook in a crowd full of thousands. So when we step in the restaurant, I want every one of those bastards in the kitchen to think I associate myself with only the finest, most civilized individuals."
"Yeah, good luck with that," Nami muttered, grimacing at the Straw Hat-wearing captain to her right who had his pinky lodged in his nostril.
"Dammit, Luffy! Miss Robin, you're the only one here besides me who knows a thing or two about class, so could you please teach these cretins etiquette?" Sanji crooned to the archaeologist.
"Hey!" Nami snapped, taking offense to Sanji's remark.
"Oh no, Nami, that wasn't meant to be an insult to you! Your uncouth rowdiness is an integral part of your sex appeal, my dear!"
"Uh…thanks, I think?"
"As much as I appreciate the gesture, Sanji, there's only so much I could do," Robin said. "It's like they say, 'You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig.'"
"Hey, we're not pigs!" Usopp replied. "Well, Luffy is, but the rest of us aren't! Don't worry Sanji, you can count on Captain Usopp to be the beacon of class! You're looking at a man who once looked the most vicious bears in the jungle in their eyes and taught them how to drink tea with their pinkies raised!"
"Anyway," Sanji dismissed, looking at his watch. "I had our reservation set for 8 PM, so let's get going."
Sanji spun on his heel and led the crew off of the ship. Luffy and Nami were the last in line, and when they head for the ladder, they walked past Zoro and the scent of their sprays upset the slumbering swordsman's nose, waking him up. He blinked a few times to gain his bearings.
"What the hell's that smell?" Zoro drawled. He looked around and spotted his departing crew. "Hey, where's everybody going?"
"Oh, Mosshead; I was almost going to leave you behind so the chefs wouldn't think we were harboring a petty thug," Sanji snidely remarked.
Upon hearing the needling of his rival, Zoro became completely alert and leaped to his feet, clutching one of his swords. "And when I'm done with you they'll think we're harboring a zombie!"
Sanji was about to climb back up to the ship to answer Zoro's threat, but Nami shut him off with her hand. "Boys, if you're gonna kill each other, wait until we get to the restaurant so a busboy can deal with the mess instead."
Zoro growled but complied, following the crew to the island. He didn't know a thing about being "classy" and sure as hell didn't look the part, but he was hungry. As they all headed for the restaurant, Zoro couldn't help but notice a nearby ship – it had a pirate flag proudly waving from its mast, meaning they weren't the only pirates around here. The Jolly Roger – a skeleton with lipstick and long, feminine hair that appeared to have a chunk of it bitten off – struck him as familiar.
The restaurant was as expected; it was immense in size and immaculately lit. The walls were covered in pictures of famous figures who had dined in it, there were musicians harmonizing the atmosphere with wondrous melodies, and the patrons were the very picture of high-class etiquette. It was the opposite of the type of spots pirates were typically wont to attend.
The Straw Hats were among many that were waiting on line for the name of their party to be announced. Despite all of Sanji's stressing and prodding, they still stood out like sore thumbs thanks to the long noses, Straw Hats, messy green hair, swords, gigantic cyborg arms, and eight-foot tall, afro-wearing skeletons. Luffy was sweating anxiously, as being around all of this fanciness made him uncomfortable. He preferred being himself, not dining among a bunch of uptight lame-asses. And he was already hungry enough as it was; all sitting in wait did was prolong the emptiness of his stomach!
"Mr. Prince, party of nine!" the host finally called.
Luffy was about jump to the front desk to meet him, but Sanji hauled him by his shirt and tossed him back behind him. "Right here, sir!" Sanji called. The crew followed him up front.
"Welcome to Café Nirvana, ladies and gentlemen. Allow me to show you to your table," the middle-aged man politely greeted.
"Glad to be here, sir. Excuse the one-eyed, green-haired fellow. He's a homeless man that we're sponsoring and treating to a free meal," Sanji replied with a mischievous smirk.
Zoro fixed the chef with a furious glare. "Why I oughta-!"
Sanji mushed his hand in Zoro's face to shove him back and subdue him. "As you can see, he's rather high-strung."
"Oh no, there's no need to apologize. It says a lot about you all that you would lend a helping hand to someone less privileged," the host replied.
Sanji wrapped his arm around the grumbling swordsman's neck in an insincerely good-natured gesture. "Yeah, ain't that right, Zoro?"
"You are going straight to hell," Zoro seethed, shaking with fury in Sanji's grip.
The Straw Hats laughed at the cook and swordsman's typical interplay as they took their seats at the circular, white-clothed table. Sanji tugged a napkin in the collar of his shirt and gestured to the rest of the crew to do the same…but excluding Robin, they all ignored him and glued their eyes to their menus.
"I must say, this is quite the restaurant you've chosen, Sanji," praised Brook. "The setting and decorations are just magnificent, and as a musical talent myself, the songs these musicians are playing are absolutely pleasing to my ears. Although as a skeleton, I don't have any ears to please!"
Much to Sanji's chagrin, the Straw Hats erupted in raucous laughter at one Brook's patented skull jokes, standing in stark contrast to the more reserved chatter and giggles of the nearby tables. "Classy, you guys! Classy!"
"Suh ah I giss deze chupsteks awent cwassy?" Luffy had two chopsticks jutting out from his mouth and into his nostrils, making Chopper nearly fall over from laughing so hard. He drew displeased glares from nearby patrons. Sanji nearly shattered the glass in his hands, and if the lovely waitress hadn't come to their table seconds sooner, he probably would have killed Luffy right there.
"Okay guys, I think Sanji's pretty serious about this, so just try to be on your best behavior," Nami urged, snatching the chopsticks out of Luffy's nose. The captain pouted but whined "Okay," affirmatively.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!" the cute, youthful waitress greeted. "How are you all doing tonight?"
"I was already having a great night, but upon laying my eyes upon your dazzling beauty, madam, it's become so splendid that it goes beyond words," Sanji sang, his eyes morphing into hearts. The waitress was flattered, but just a tad bemused by the gawking blonde.
"Um, thanks. And wow, is that a skeleton and a walking raccoon dog you guys have with you?!" the waitress stated, marveling at Brook and Chopper.
"In the flesh!" Brook exclaimed. "Well, you get what I mean!"
"I'm a reindeer, not a raccoon dog!" Chopper spat with a glare.
"And you talk! Well, whatever you are, you sure are cute!"
Chopper grinned like an idiot and waved back and forth, dancing merrily. "You think you can win me over by calling me cute, you stupid bitch? I'm not happy at all!"
What a weird group, the waitress said to herself. The Straw Hats told her their drinks, which didn't come as a surprise – champagne for Sanji, white wine for Robin, beer for Zoro, fruit punch for Luffy and Usopp, orange juice for Nami, soda for Franky, pink lemonade for Chopper, and milk for Brook (gotta keep those bones strong).
"And are you guys ready to tell me your meals, or do you need a few more minutes to read the menu?" she asked.
Luffy beamed up and raised his fist into the air. "I ALREADY-!" Nami slammed her foot onto his. Luffy cringed and remembered he was supposed to keep it classy. "I mean, yes ma'am, I believe I already know what I want." The Straw Hats quizzically exchanged glances with each other. Since when did Luffy speak in a British accent?!
"Well first I think I'll start with a side of 14 Buffalo wings, and then a full rack of Cajun ribs, Salisbury steak, Ribeye steak, two triple hamburgers with extra bacon, fried alligator, fried bananagator, takoyaki meat...Bloody hell, you even have roasted Sea King?! I'll take that too, the catfish, the puffer fish, lamb chops…"
The waitress widened her eyes in bewilderment, as Luffy's list just kept growing and growing. His crew groaned and slumped into their chairs, having already expected this part of the evening. After having heard every meat-based item on the menu, the remaining Straw Hats informed the waitress of their meals as well.
Brook was the last. "And do you fine folks have boneless chicken? Don't want to get things jumbled up down here," he requested, patting the pile of bones where his stomach used to be.
"Yes we do, sir, and would you like any dipping sauce with that?"
"Bleu cheese shall be fine," Brook said. "Oh, and madam, I have one more request."
The other eight eyes at the table narrowed. A single bead of sweat trailed down Sanji's face. They knew the skeleton far too well, and that waitress was far too attractive, for them to not have an idea of just what was about to come out of his mouth. The waitress, however, was oblivious, and leaned in closer to hear him better.
"…Would you be so kind as to show me your…"
Before Brook could spit out the dreaded "p"-word, Sanji harshly smashed his foot with his own, making the skeleton let out a light squeak in pain. Sanji wasn't going to let Brook's crass gestures ruin this night.
"Uh, er…delicious desert items?"
Sanji and the others breathed sighs of relief that Brook came to his senses, and then Chopper listened in intently as the waitress listed off the deserts.
Just as the waitress was about to leave, the host from earlier arrived and ragged another table towards the Straw Hats'. He offered an apologetic smile to the pirate crew and pressed the table against there's.
"Hey, what gives?!" Sanji snarled, forgoing his own demands of class.
"My deepest apologies, Mr. Prince, but we've been forced to make accommodations for the unexpected large crowd we've received today. So if you would just kindly share your space with this next group…"
Sanji leaned forward to protest, but when he feasted his eyes on the person who was leading the incoming group to the newly adjacent table, whatever rage he had melted away completely. His jaw sank, allowing a breathless gasp to escape his mouth.
"Mellorine…"
The six burly men that followed her path were immaterial. The woman who impatiently marched to the table, with her lovely, flowing pink hair, solar-patterned leggings, skimpy, form-fitting shorts and suspenders that pressed against her ample bosoms, exuded sex-appeal to the love-stricken cook. Yeah, yeah, she was sporting a nasty scowl on her face, shoved the host out of the way, and roughly yanked her chair out to take her seat, but all Sanji was seeing was beauty at its rawest.
"Never mind, you can sit with us any time you want, babe!"
The pink-haired woman growled at the leering cook, but then she spotted someone familiar, who was studiously observing her as well.
"Hey wait, you're that chick from Sabaody who pounced on me before I could kill that noble," Zoro stated. "Bony, I think?"
"Bonney, you idiot! And that makes you Roronoa Zoro…and you all are the Straw Hats!"
Sanji, in a haze, leaned in closer, much to her discomfort. "Goodness gracious, what would make a delectable beauty such as yourself turn to a life of piracy?"
Nami awkwardly cleared her throat, though she conceded that Sanji's brain had probably left planet earth upon sighting a cute girl that he hadn't seen before.
"Outta my face, pansy boy!" Bonney crassly replied, shoving the blubbering blonde pirate away. "NOW LET'S EAT! Hey, waiter chick, get your ass over here!"
"Hey, wait, she's gotta tell the chefs our food first!" Luffy impatiently protested.
"Can it, Luffy! Let the lovely lady place her order first!" Sanji ordered.
Bonney childishly stuck her tongue out at Luffy, who returned her glare with an exposed eyelid to boot. Nami slapped her forehead at the juvenile exchange. It was only a matter of time before the gathering of pirates brought out the absolute worst of each other.
The waiter that was actually assigned to her table just decided to tuck tail and leave it to the Straw Hats' waitress. As if Luffy hadn't already given her an earful, Bonney was spouting off almost the entire menu, and seconds! Her other crewmates – some of them being chefs themselves, even! – could only stare bewildered at their glutton of a captain.
Jeez, you'd almost think Luffy met his female clone, Nami thought to herself.
After ten-minutes of rambling, the overwhelmed waitress stumbled away from the two pirates' tables and sprinted to the kitchen, which was visible behind a counter to all of the customers so they could get a small peak at how the chefs worked.
The respective pirate crews stood next to each other in tense silence, save for Sanji's dazed mutterings to Bonney. Nami harshly coughed in a feeble attempt to liven things up…and prevent a table-clearing brawl.
"So…you guys are pirates, too huh? Sure is great for us to be gathered up in one spot," she stammered through nervous laughter. "You guys sure like to eat, huh? A big eater and chefs…we have so much in common!"
"Pink is stupid," Luffy mumbled, earning a rough nudge from Nami.
"Not as stupid as a straw hat," Bonney fired back.
After a mere five minutes, Luffy and Bonney both restlessly slammed their fists against their tables, clearly having no interest in waiting for their meals quietly.
"What the hell are they doing back there?! I want to eat!" Luffy exclaimed.
"Luffy! What did I say about your language?!" Sanji scolded like a father to an unruly child.
Right next to him, Bonney furiously swung her head back and roughly groaned to the ceiling. "The fuck are those cook's doing, sticking forks up each other's asses?! Get our food over here!"
Even though she was even crasser than Luffy, Sanji turned his ire away from the Straw Hat captain to fawn over Bonney some more. Luffy was obviously annoyed by his blatant display of double standards, though he did share Bonney's sentiments.
"Yeah, the pink chick is actually right!" Luffy said.
"I don't even know why we're at this restaurant," Bonney complained. "My cooks here could just make some food themselves but noooooo, they have to babble on about 'scouting' or some bullshit like that."
"I know, right?! And all of this talk about class. I don't need class when I have my teeth sunk into the…" Becoming so wrapped up in anticipation of his incoming meal, Luffy let his eyes melt into slabs of meat. "…sweet, smoky, mounds of meaty gloriousness…!"
Meanwhile, Bonney's eyes morphed into pizza slices while drool spilled from her mouth like a waterfall. "Yes, meat. Sausage meat…on my pizza!"
Luffy and Bonney were the latest of the pirates to have their minds trail off into the stratosphere. Usopp rolled his eyes at the dazed, greedy pigs, though he was relieved that their shared impatience and love of cuisine had smoothed things over between them for the time being.
Sanji let out a pensive sigh as he mulled over the present circumstances. He was undergoing a classic bout of cognitive dissonance, as he couldn't reconcile his immense admiration for Jewelry Bonney despite her gluttonous, rowdy behavior from the fact that he scolded Luffy for the same things. Maybe his notions of classiness were overrated. Goodness, was he actually thinking beyond shallow attraction?! Or was this all because of it?!
The waitress needed a slew of other waiters to carry the trays and trays of food to the Straw Hat table – and these were just the appetizers! One of them, who was tip-toeing precariously in his attempts to avoid nearby tables and wound up tripping over his own feet, stumbled down and sent the plates on a rapid descent to the floor.
Luckily for him and the pirates, a series of hands sprouted from the floor and caught every last plate before they could land and shatter, and another one halted his fall.
"I figured you could use a hand or eight," Robin giggled.
To say the people nearby who weren't pirates were shocked would have been an understatement. The two groups of pirates had already done enough to draw attention to themselves, but when they saw the raven-haired beauty utilizing multiple arms to distribute plates among her crewmates, it became clear that they were dealing with a gang of freaks.
Luffy eyed the plate of chicken wings with a broad smile like it was the One Piece itself. Just the mere whiff of the meat in front of him made him sigh elatedly. The long journey to the island and temporary commitment to etiquette were about to be all made worthwhile…
Until a fist slammed into the plate of wings that he was getting ready to devour.
"Hey! I ordered wings, too! Lend 'em over and wait 'til the ladies eat first!" Bonney demanded, menacingly standing over Luffy. Whatever mutual, indulgent respect the two had gained for each other became dead and buried once the food was actually made front and center.
Luffy's expression darkened, the brim of his Straw Hat shadowing his intense eyes. "No."
"I'M eating the chicken!" Bonney exclaimed, reaching for one of the soaking, hot wings.
Luff snatched Bonney's hand before she could grab hold of them and squeezed it tightly. He bore his teeth at her like a lion guarding its kill. "I ordered them first, you bitch."
The pirates of both crews gasped in shock. The Straw Hats exchanged weary glances amongst each other, having never heard Luffy speak so roughly and with such a hateful, dark tone unless he was faced with a mortal enemy.
Then again, this was food.
Sensing where things were headed, Sanji nudged between the greedy captains in a hapless effort to smooth things over. He offered Luffy a pleading look and clasped his hands together. "Now, Luffy, I understand you're hungry, but that's no need to use such foul language." Who was Sanji to talk?! "After all, this lovely lady has been waiting a long time-"
"I want my FOOD!" Bonney roared to the ceiling.
Sanji's compulsion to help a woman in need overpowered his desire for tranquility. Sensing her frustration, Sanji glared at the waiters. "Hey, bozos! What's takin' so long? Can't you see the lady's starving, here?!"
"Well sir, we're exceptionally busy right now, and your two tables have ordered quite the feast. It was everything we could bear just to get the appetizers to you and-"
"Blah blah blah," Sanji harshly interrupted. "I guess I'm just gonna have to show you guys how it's done."
Ignoring the signs clearly denoting the indoor smoking prohibitions, Sanji reached for his lighter and lit up a cigarette. It became clear to Sanji what he had to do, so he worked himself into another gear. He marched to the kitchen, even as the waiters and other employees surrounded him in attempt to force him away.
"Sir, no customers are allowed in the kitchen! And no smoking, either!" one of them warned.
"This is me giving a shit," Sanji quipped, pointing to his face. The swirly-browed cook was in prime aloof form.
Sanji slid over the counter that led to the kitchen, raising the alarm of the vast assortment of cooks shuffling about. They were all asking each other the same thing, like why Sanji was back there and how the waiters and security even let him get that far in the first place. However, their questions were all irrelevant, because Sanji was clear in his intent of taking the operation over.
"Alright, you lousy excuses for cooks! There's a new head chef in town!" Sanji harshly announced. He snatched a box of gloves, quickly spotted where the aprons were hung and tied one on, and spotted the list of orders that the waitress left behind for his and Bonney's tables.
"I have some beautiful ladies back there who are clamoring for their main courses and as a proud chef, I won't allow them to sit in wait any longer." Sanji scanned the array of chefs, ignoring their bombardment of questions for him and striking those who tried to force them out, so he could see what he was working with. "Hey, you! Fat, blonde motherfucker! Join those pencil-necks at the cutting table and prepare," he picked up a box of squids and tossed the contents halfway across the room, where they impressively landed with precision on the cutting table, "…these squids!"
The "fat blonde motherfucker" was confused, but Sanji exuded an intimidating aura about him that made him helplessly comply with his demands. The kitchen's new dictator zipped over to a shelf that a frail looking cook was cowering in front of.
"You! How old are these tomatoes?" Sanji asked, pointing at the rows of diced cherry tomatoes lying on the platform.
"Uh, f-four days old, sir. They're still good for another thr-"
Sanji harshly swiped the buckets of tomatoes off to the table to the stun gasps of the chefs. "Go to the freezer and find the newest tomatoes in there. Any competently ran kitchen should have them labeled as such. These tomatoes are going in Nami's pasta primavera and I won't let her eat anything less than the healthiest, freshest ingredients. Understood?"
"Y-yes, sir!"
Sanji spun to one of the stoves and assisted the chefs in preparing the steaks, impressively shuffling them about while following their meticulous instructions to the letter. Seconds later, he helped the pizza chefs with their dough and managed to get no less fifteen slabs properly stretched in under thirty seconds. It was obvious by how quickly, and yet immaculately the pirate was preparing the various ingredients that this wasn't just some loony trying to play cook for a day. This was a man completely in his element and a mastermind behind the counter. They unconsciously raised their sense of urgency up a few notches, following his natural leadership like he was their supervisor and their jobs were on the line.
Sanji had a maniacal, thrilled smile on his face as he speedily spread toppings across a row of speeches. "C'mon, get those dour, sadsack looks off of your shitty-ass faces! Smile! We're just gettin' started here, and we're gonna make these hundreds of customers the best food they've ever tasted in their lives!"
Sanji jumped from the pizzas to the salad isle, where he cut, mixed, seasoned, and sauced the plants as the list of orders instructed. Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw two chefs leaving with a couple of baskets of breadsticks. With ease, he leaped from the table and landed in front of the sweating cooks.
"Hey, you call those slabs of compost breadsticks?!" Sanji snatched the baskets from their hands and swung his right leg over them so swiftly it produced a flame that briefly ignited the breadsticks. The fire gave them that right amount of toasting needed to make them more appetizing and flavorful.
It was magical. The mercurial cook had abruptly forced himself into the restaurant's domain and had the beleaguered culinary artists operating like a well-oiled machine after only a few minutes. He made his presence known in every corner of the kitchen, yet nary had a single item seen less attention and care than another. He was putting all of his experience in Baratie to the test.
Back outside the kitchen, the Straw Hats watched the slew of waiters running to and from tables like they were hopped up on amphetamines with little doubt as to the source of this newfound efficiency.
"Looks like Sanji's turned these guys into Super cooking cyborgs!" Franky joked.
"Gotta admit, dartboard brow's actually tolerable when he's in his element and focused," Zoro snickered.
"That blonde dude's a one-man kitchen in there!" The crew overheard one of the waiters saying.
"I hear he's Black Leg Sanji of the Straw Hat Pirates. You know those bastards must be eating well!"
"You can say that again," Nami giggled.
After several minutes passed, the former Sous Chef of Baratie made his return to his cohorts' tables, followed by a dozen waiters who were marching behind him like soldiers readying themselves for battle. Sanji himself had two trays of plates carried over his shoulders, while the waiters were balancing treys in their hands.
"Alright, ladies, gents, and Zoros, after whipping those bastards back there into shape I've finally got your main courses ready," Sanji said.
Naturally, the first plates handed out were to the ladies. "For the lovely Cat Burglar Nami, a mushroom & beef lasagna accompanied with a delectable pasta primavera dish. And then, a helping of smoked venison for the staggeringly gorgeous Nico Robin."
Regardless of the shiver that ran down Chopper's spine, Robin gleefully breathed in the steamy smell of the meat laid out before her, and luckily Luffy was so preoccupied with his entrees that he didn't even reach over to snatch her food.
Sanji joined the gathering of waiters who were scrambling to Bonney's chair to get her laundry list of food. "And for the feisty firecracker Jewelry Bonney, the list of food is too numerous to recite, but needless to say, they should all be satisfying."
Bonney observed Sanji with a scrutinizing raised eyebrow, unsure of the Straw Hats' curly browed chef's legitimacy. His eyes were full of hope as he watched Bonney gingerly reach for a slice of pepperoni & sausage pizza. With her eyes narrowed, she took a bite just to see if Sanji was all he was cracked up to be.
Jewelry's eyes nearly bulged out of her head. Her arms sank and her slice slumped in her mouth like it had been deflated.
"Oh. My. God…."
Bonney leaped from her chair and roughly grabbed Sanji by his blazer, but then gently caressed his cheek. Her earlier hostility towards him was ancient history.
"Black Leg Sanji…where have you been all of my life?"
With an elated grin, Sanji took the pink-haired beauty's free hand into his. "Waiting for a stunning connoisseur like yourself, my dear." Bonney methodically interlocked their fingers together.
Zoro sprayed his booze all over his plate. Usopp almost choked on his lemon-pepper wings. Nami dropped a chunk of her lasagna. Brook spilled tea all over his lap. Chopper's jaw froze around the stick of cotton candy he was snacking around. Even Luffy and Robin lent a few quizzical hums.
The moral of the story was, most of the Straw Hats were flabbergasted as they watched Sanji and Bonney gaze lovingly into each other's eyes. They could count on one hand between all eight of each other how many women even sort of fell for Sanji's "charms." As it turned out, all he needed was that rare combination of gorgeous and greedy.
"Would you like to wash down your delicious steak with this lobster bisque soup?" Sanji purred, dipping a spoon into the bowl of soup lying by Bonney on the table. He lifted it to Bonney's jaw, struck with affection when she tenderly took it into her mouth and let it linger to savor the taste. She was so pleased with it, her eyes rolled into the back of her head while she moaned in delight.
Nami grimaced at the display. Sure, Bonney was clearly just enjoying the food, but the whole thing was just bizarrely sexual. There was no telling where this would lead if the two lovers of dining were left alone. She turned to look at Luffy, taking solace in the fact that he was so greedy and immature that he'd be too set on upstaging Bonney to fall for her over their shared sweet-tooth.
Not that it mattered to Nami. Because it totally didn't.
Bonney voraciously chowed down on just about every edible item on her table while Sanji blissfully explained every last dish to her. Bonney was even breathing between chews to listen to every word that Sanji said, even inviting him to say them just inches from her ear. The skilled pirate-slash-chef had left her docile and bashful.
"Such a rarified beauty…to have such a big appetite and still maintain that stunning figure!" Sanji marveled. "It's the greatest combination in all of the cosmos."
"I wanna eat more food like this," Bonney said with a mouth full of various dishes. "I got three chefs on my crew and between the three of 'em I never get stuff this good."
"Hey!" All three of them yelled.
"Can it, losers!" Sanji barked.
Bonney grabbed Sanji's hand and gazed deep into his eyes. A rare feeling was building up in her stomach, and it wasn't from over engorging herself. It was the type of feeling she only got when she saw a particularly huge meal, but this time it was over the cook sitting before her. "Black leg Sanji…travel on the seas with me. Show me the wonders of true food."
"Miss Jewelry, you know I am beyond honored with your request, especially from such a stunning woman like yourself, but you I have my crew," Sanji faintly replied, a sad smile spreading on his lips.
"Oh, brother," Nami scoffed. It was abundantly clear that these two weren't the most rational people when it came to emotions.
"Then allow me to join you!" Bonney pleaded with desperation. She was on the verge of tears.
An equally desperate Sanji turned around to face his crew. He fell to his knees and clasped both of his hands together in pleading. "You guys…could you please let Bonney join the crew?!" Bonney stared at the eight Straw Hats like a tormented puppy at an animal shelter looking for a family to free it from its harsh life.
"Take it up with Luffy," Nami absentmindedly replied. They already had a handful dealing with one greedy pig and she wasn't looking forward to another.
Luffy roughly chewed on a gigantic pork chop and petulantly scowled. "Hell no!"
The captain's words were a sharp dagger to the hearts of Sanji and Bonney, who let out pained cries of anguish at his refusal. Bonney slumped in her chair, completely defeated, while Sanji bent down on his hands and sulked. Luffy was apathetic to his cook's whimpering pleas to change his mind.
Sanji reached out for Luffy's leg. "Please, Luffy, I beg of you! This will be the only thing I ever ask of you!"
Luffy peevishly folded his arms and squeezed his eyes shut. "N-O!"
The second refusal was just as life-shattering as the first, this time causing Sanji to somehow bend over backwards until the back of his head hit the floor, while Bonney fell out of her chair entirely. She reached out and clutched Sanji's head as if it was going to fall off if she let it go.
"Jeez, this is pathetic even for you," Zoro commented with a biting smirk.
Nami groaned, not wanting to endure another second of this ridiculous outpouring of sentimentality. She raised her hand to ask for the check…until she looked at the Straw Hat-wearing guy to her left who was still chowing down on his immense meal. Her eyes billowed when realization hit her.
Oh crap! Nami said to herself in a panic. She put on a laminated, green-billed visor over her head and dug a calculator out of her immense cleavage. Eying the menu for reference, her and the other's plates, and the pile of bones that remained from Luffy's orders, she added up the total prices to deduce an estimation of how many Berries they would be paying.
"Shit…this is definitely going to cost a lot more than I expected," she said with a grimace. This was why she hated dining out to begin with.
"Hey Usopp, you got any Styrofoam boxes in your bag?" Nami asked to the sniper.
Usopp mischievously smirked at Nami, getting an idea of her intentions. "Yup. I'm prepared for everything!"
Nami returned his smirk. "Perfect."
Usopp dug a dozen boxes out from his knapsack and distributed them around the table. "Alright guys, pack your favorite stuff up so we can have some leftovers for tomorrow."
"Why Nami, you fiend," Robin playfully giggled, already deducing what was on her mind. The thieving Navigator merely shrugged. Old habits die hard.
Luffy's eyes lit up, a feeling of nostalgia stirring within him. "Ohhhhh, a dine and-" Nami slapped her hand over the excitable captain's mouth.
As everyone went about boxing their food up, Nami grabbed Sanji by his foot. It took a few tugs, but she was able to free the Love Cook from the feisty Bonney's clutches. He let out a dejected whimper when he was broken apart from his new object of affection.
"Sorry Sanji, but we gotta go! It was nice meeting ya, Bonney!" Nami fibbed with an insincere smile. After her friends left their table, Nami followed them along while dragging Sanji with her. Their original waitress walked to their table with a disgusted scowl.
"Are you guys seriously about to leave without paying?" she seethed.
Nami turned around and cynically shrugged, fixing the waitress with a patronizing scowl. "Well, duh, we're pirates!" However, she did dig in her purse for a few bills, which she folded up around a gold coin. "But here, take this. You had your work cut out for you tonight."
Nami tossed the money at the waitress, who didn't miss the wink she gave her when she caught it. As far as the waitress was concerned, the generous tip made the whole thing water under the bridge, so she shrugged and slipped the money within her cleavage.
As he was dragged away, Sanji's eyes welled up with tears. He desperately reached out for the pink-haired glutton. "Jewelry Bonney, our crews may want to keep us apart, but they cannot separate our feelings for each other!"
While Sanji was merely crying a few somber whimpers, Bonney was openly sobbing, inelegantly wailing her sorrow away. "Sanji…I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU!"
Sanji dug his fingers into the floor to slow Nami down. The sharp, screeching noise of nails against marble pierced the ears of the customers around him, which he was completely oblivious to. Nami scowled and tried to pull the sulking moron away, but he was putting up too fierce of a fight.
"Bonney, when I and the Straw Hats reach the end of our journey, I will painstakingly swim across the treacherous seas of the Grand Line until I finally find you, and when I do, I will slave in the kitchen for you every day and every night! And then we shall travel to the All Blue, where we will have every fish of every ocean at our disposal and be able to devour food beyond our wildest dreams!"
Sanji's sermon left Bonney with a pained smile while she ignored the snot running down her face. "I LOVE YOU, SANJI!"
"I LOVE YOU TOO, BONNEY!"
"Give me a break," Nami grumbled before kicking the restaurant's doors open and retreating, separating Sanji from his "lover" once and for all. Once outside, she let Sanji go and allowed him to miserably whine and whimper on his hands and knees.
"Luffy…why must you crush my heart?" Sanji griped.
"Who cares?! That chick was a nothing but a slob, anyway!" Luffy dismissed.
"LIKE YOU'RE ONE TO TALK!" the entire crew shouted at the oblivious captain.
"I dunno guys, Sanji seems to be taking this really hard," Franky said in concern, a few tears building up in his eyes as well. "Emotions may reveal themselves in different ways, sometimes seeming shallow and explosive for no reason, but the heart knows what it wants! How can we, mere mortals, deny a man what his heart is aching for?! HOW CAN WE TEAR APART TRUE LOVE?!"
Franky joined Sanji as the other crying Straw Hat wile Nami rolled her eyes. "Oh please, this is just Sanji being Sanji. Just watch." Nami confidently strut towards Sanji, swiveling her hips in the way she knew drove him crazy. Though it annoyed every fiber of her being to display herself in such a way (without charging him), she bent down in front of his face, giving him a full view of her chest.
"Hey, Sanji sweetie, I know you're hurt, but how's about I take your mind off of it?" Nami smoothly offered, seductively tugging at the strap of her dress.
"I…I'm sorry, Nami. But I'm afraid I must decline."
Shock enveloped itself within the entire crew, even Robin. None moreso than Nami, who stumbled and nearly fell to the ground. Her feminine charms never failed to entice Sanji, no matter what mood he was in! She was never sure if he was ever really not in "Mellorine" mode.
"Holy crap, I think he really is in love!" she shrieked.
"I always said, 'Let the bastard find someone with a pretty face that he could feed all day,'" Zoro snickered. "He's got it bad."
Luffy laughed and pulled the miserable chef up by the fabric of his blazer, then slapped him on the shoulder. "Don't worry Sanji, you can still cook for us! And besides, you kicked ass in there; you clearly don't need to take us to stupid restaurants anymore!"
"That idiot was so worried about us keeping it classy and that all went out the window the second she showed up," Zoro remarked, trying to rub that sadness in. "Typical."
"Shut your damned, filthy mouth up, you algae-headed bastard! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT LOVE BESIDES YOUR SHITTY-ASS SWORDS?!" Sanji seethed behind his tears.
"Your heart won't have anybody to ache for when these 'shitty-ass swords' stab it out!" Zoro challenged.
Just as Sanji squared his shoulders to prepare for battle, Luffy laughed and pointed over his shoulder. "Hey look, she's over there!"
Sanji turned around and saw Bonney pressed up against the window, longingly clawing her hands against the glass. She was mouthing Sanji's name, ignoring the efforts of the restaurant staff to pry her away. Sanji returned her gesture by lighting a cigarette and taking a slow draw, blowing out a cloud of smoke while reaching out to her. She smiled and let the tears flow. Until we meet again…
"Jeez, all he did was make her yummy food," Luffy chuckled.
"Oh really? Are you saying it takes more than cooking for a girl to impress you, Luffy?" Nami curiously inquired with more intrigue than she cared to admit.
"Yeah!" he answered…but the drool spilling from his mouth and the slabs of meat that sprouted where his eyes used to be were telling a different story. "Unless she had the biggest meat factory in the entire world…"
Nami faintly smiled and shook her head, expecting an answer along those lines. Typical, she thought before picking up a box out of her purse. "Luffy, just shut up and eat these ribs I stole from another table."
Luffy eyes lit up while he spilled out an ocean of saliva. He eagerly snatched the box right out of Nami's hands. "WOO-HOO! You're the best, Nami!"
"Of course I am." Nami pressed her hand on Luffy's back to lead him away from the restaurant. Her mind trailed off to ponder the sorts of combinations she could make out of meat and tangerines.
Whoo! Finally giving Sanji a cool moment between all of the slapstick was fun to write. Lemme know your thoughts!