Cancer
Visiting Truth

Everything felt wrong. Somehow, despite the fact the brain tumor was now gone, the young taicho found himself with a gaping empty feeling, a feeling which simply wouldn't go away. Toshiro's mouth pushed together, and his fingers clenched painfully. Speaking to Rangiku brought up a lot of emotions the young taicho honestly didn't wish to feel, and the fact shinigami weren't supposed to feel emotions rattled around in the back of his head.

Rangiku always knew how to push his buttons, telling him Karin visiting, "is something you'll let happen." His bright teal eyes took in the hurt expression on her face and knew seeing him hurt her, making Toshiro realize he'd yet again hurt someone dear to him. This, in turn, made the young taicho think about his weakness, the thoughts beating away at the back of his head.

The next feeling, embarrassment...

Rangiku pulling on his cheeks left a warm fuzzy feeling, the kind Toshiro preferred to push away whenever he could. "This feeling, I never really felt comfortable with it, except for when granny was involved."

"Don't Matsumoto me. You heard your fellow taicho. It's completely alright for me to do something like this when your well-being is involved." Rangiku then told him she'd finished the paperwork. Toshiro felt a sickening feeling, the idea that his lazy, strawberry blonde fukutaicho would actually do her work baffling him.

"Matsumoto, when do you ever do paperwork?"

The response from Toshiro's fukutaicho stung. "When do you ever get sick like this? As far as the division is concerned, you're on vacation."

A burning feeling settled into Toshiro's throat, Rangiku's words sending a shiver down his spine. "Seriously? There is no way the division members will buy that after a few months have passed." The young taicho looked away, his top teeth worrying his bottom lip. Toshiro found himself unable to explain things to Rangiku, about why the entire experience worried him. "I worked so hard, and now..."

"You're being forced to take a break. This is actually good for you, young master."

The fukutaicho and new taicho of the thirteenth division left the two, allowing Rangiku to speak with him in a more private manner, and yet everything felt way out of his comfort zone. "I don't want to talk, though."

"This comes down to the fact you're trying to avoid thinking about the change to your life."

The first thing out of Rangiku's mouth was to ask what he wanted to do, and what came out of the young taicho's mouth was pure honesty. "I want to get back to my duties."

Something, a strange and eerie feeling, made the young taicho look up at this fukutaicho in time to see her attempt to slap him across the face, a painful feeling lurching through his stomach. Toshiro swallowed, the pained look in Rangiku's pale blue eyes adding to his own pain. "I've done something wrong."

Words came out of his mouth, a sticky, warm sweat hitting him at the back of his neck, and lower, the feeling of something running up and down his arms indicating the emotion felt was guilt, a feeling Toshiro hated with a passion. He attempted to satiate Rangiku's hurt feelings but failed. Instead, the young taicho found his fukutaicho attempting to make him feel better, but the sting only grew.

"Why? I always mess up." Toshiro looked Rangiku in the eye, letting her hand rest on his cheek. The young taicho wanted to scream at her, telling her that he hated feeling useless and that the soothing touch of her hand, he felt he didn't deserve the comfort. Somehow the conversation switched to Gin and nothing felt like it would get better.

Somehow Rangiku convinced him to see Karin again, and she stroked his soft cheek again before kissing him on the forehead. Toshiro felt heat rush to his cheeks, and the tips of his ears. "She's holding back on me."

"You're still not well young master."

Rangiku left, his entire body feeling nauseated and tired. Toshiro flopped back, his thin frame hitting the pillows, his aching muscles relaxing, his bright teal eyes staring up at the ceiling. His thoughts clouded around, and his lips parted. "Wait. I didn't tell Rangiku that..."

A hot heat spread across the young taicho's face, realization hitting him regarding one of the events which occurred over the last few days. The feeling, the emotion, Toshiro couldn't place how he felt. Remembering the fact Karin was now his girlfriend felt like embarrassment, but the urge to protect and not hurt her hung heavy on his mind.

His fingers tightened around the bedsheets, Toshiro's head tilted to the side. "What the hell have I gotten myself into."

Exhaustion wracked his thin frame, and soon a nurse came to give him medicine to help with the pain. Toshiro's eyes hung half open, realizing that his head hurt, and he wished to reach up to scratch the top of his head which had begun to itch. His thin hand felt Ichigo's calloused fingers pull his hand away, and a sigh escaped his lips as he drifted to sleep.

His eyes snapped open, his body feeling refreshed after having napped for so many hours, but nausea hit the pit of his stomach. Toshiro's bright teal eyes drifted over to a chair and saw a familiar strawberry blonde sitting in the chair. A smile spread across the young taicho's lips upon realizing Rangiku fell asleep where she sat, only to form into a frown realizing how tired and worried the woman seemed.

A sigh escaped Toshiro's lips, and he attempted to push the sheets away, the need to use the restroom hitting him hard. His feet swung over with ease, his body relaxing at the thoughts of getting back to normal. Toshiro's toes touched the cold floor, and his eyes snapped shut, the joy of feeling the cold floor sending a delightful shudder of pleasure down his spine. A groan left his lips, and he let the bottoms of his feet settle to the ground, his arms pushing his thin frame away from the bed, so he stood on his feet.

The sensation of falling hit him in the gut, and a sharp sound slipped from his lips as Toshiro's small body toppled to the ground. A curse escaped his lips, the feeling of one of his ankles twisting underneath him sending uncontrollable shakes through his arms. Vomit flooded from his mouth, the bitter taste making his head throb. The scraping of a chair came from behind him, and Rangiku's soft footsteps indicated his fukutaicho was coming to his rescue.

Toshiro felt her delicate hand grab his arm, and out of the corner of his eye, he watched her sit down next to him. Rangiku quickly pulled him into her arms, the panic racking his body subsiding. "It's alright taicho."

"No, it's not. My body isn't working right. It's still not working right."

"I'm not going to give up on you, alright? So don't you dare give up on yourself. It's going to take time."

The young taicho leaned into her chest, his mouth sticky from his stomach emptying onto the floor is eyes closing slightly. "Time. I don't have the time. They're going to figure out something's seriously wrong, once I don't return after a couple of weeks. I'm..."

Rangiku reached up to ruffle his hair but stopped. A sigh escaped her lips, and instead she comforted him by rubbing right between his shoulders, her mouth twitching slightly. "Don't worry about what others think for once. Just worry about getting better."

Toshiro thought to mention the fact seeing Karin might not be the best idea, but a hot heat spread through his cheeks, the young taicho remembering why he'd attempted to get out of bed. A shudder ran down his spine, and Toshiro felt Rangiku tense up. "This has got to be the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me."

The strawberry blonde rested her head against his. "Don't worry. I won't repeat this to anyone. This isn't your fault either, you know."

"Really? I can't take care of myself. I couldn't take care of myself before, but now..." Toshiro's eyes snapped shut, and yet he couldn't help but feel grateful it was Rangiku who went to get the nurses for him rather than Ichigo or Rukia. A variety of emotions still rushed over him.