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Until I See You Again

Chapter 8 AU – One night was all it took to change her course of actions…

Chapter 1

She returned later that night.

It wasn't fair to him; she knew she shouldn't have come back but she couldn't resist. She needed to see him. The pull of their love had always been strong, an unexplainable force that always brought them together, despite what was truly best for them.

With a sigh, Kate rested her forehead against the cold surface of the front door, trying to stop herself as her hand hovered for a minute before she ignored her inner voice and knocked. The sound was awkward and pathetic to her own ears, standing in the hallway in a building that was once her home.

No, it was still her home; she'd make sure of that. That was the whole point of everything she was doing, every action was a step to ensure she could come home again.

But not until everything was clear…

Not until LokSat and Rita and Bracken and Vikram and everything else from that case, was left in the past…

Not until it was safe for him – for them – to have a future.

A family.

She panicked when she heard movement from behind the door. God, she was stupid. She shouldn't be here. Swallowing back the bile that rose in her throat, she turned back toward the elevator, to leave before she hurt him again…

"Beckett?"

Damn.

"Hey, Castle…" she sighed, shifting on the balls of her feet while unconsciously gravitating toward the sound of his voice, the deep tone warming her veins.

"Were you leaving?"

"I didn't think you were home," she lied, screwing her eyes shut as the words fell from her tongue.

"Or you changed your mind and you were running," he concluded, his gaze falling on her as she turned to face him. She could only assume that the guilt she felt was clear as day, painted across her features as Castle arched his eyebrow at her hesitation. He had every right to be skeptical, hell she was questioning her actions at this point.

"I-um. I shouldn't be here."

No sooner had the words left her mouth and she was in the haven of his arms, safe within the strength of his chest in a life affirming hug. "Don't. You should always be here," he whispered, his breath washing down her neck and sparking each nerve ending that it touched.

"Castle-"

"You left your shirt on the bed." Her eyes met his as he ran his hand against her face, cupping her cheek, the pad of his thumb feathering along the delicate skin underneath her eye. "I thought – maybe – you'd still be here, but you left me the reminder that you had come and gone."

Kate tucked her chin down against her chest, shying away from his touch.

"I took one of yours, it was only right that you'd have one of mine," she said with a shrug, moving to lean against the wall, both still standing in the hallway.

"I'd rather have the woman that owns it," Castle stated, as he stepped closer to her, crowding up against her body and she sighed.

"You'll always have her."

"Doesn't feel like it. Feels like I've lost you." Fear shot through her body as shook her head, her eyes flashing to his.

"Never, Castle. I love you." Her breath caught in her throat, her voice thick and broken as she tried to hold back a sob that threatened to break free. Before she could over think it, she reached her hand out to brush along the stubble of his jaw. "I miss you so much it physically hurts. I packed so slowly earlier, dragging my feet in hopes that you'd catch me – just so I could see you."

"You could've stayed."

"No. I couldn't, it's just – I shouldn't even be here now." As her explanation hung in the air, she felt her husband's grip tighten against her waist, his other hand moving into the unruly curls of her hair, like if he held her closer, the word wouldn't be true. "I need to do this. I need to fix this, on my own."

"What do you need to fix, Kate? What could possibly be more important?"

If she took the time to explain, if she kept standing there talking to him, she'd be exposing them both to the danger of her entire secret operation. Logically she knew it, but in a breath, she surged up and claimed his lips with her own. She might not be able to explain herself with words, but this, this she was perfectly capable of. The need for his touch overrode any rational thought on why she needed to leave.

"Castle, I –" she gasped.

"Don't. No more apologies. I'm done talking right now…"

A soft moan crept from her mouth as he slid his hands down her outer thighs encouraging her to wrap her legs around his waist. She welcomed his touch, her hips canting toward him, the feeling almost too much after so long without him, without this.

"I need you, Kate." His voice was like honey as his mouth worked along her jaw, finding the spot beneath her ear that only he knew existed.

"Inside," she breathed, all conscious thoughts lost to the sensation of his body moving against hers, every nerve ending was on fire and they were both fully clothed standing in the hallway.

Castle carried her through the door, walking them toward their room as she felt the hard press of him against her center, causing all discipline to snap. She was desperate for the feel of his skin on hers, in a way she hadn't been since their first night together. It was frantic but necessary.

She needed him, too.

(…)

The early morning light crept its way into the refuge of their room as alertness slowly spread throughout her body. Blinking her eyes open, she found herself wrapped in covers alone in their bed. If it wasn't for the fact that his scent was still pressed onto her skin, she would've thought it was all a cruel dream. After all, since she had left him, not a night went by that she hadn't dreamt of the warmth of his touch or the taste of his lips...

"I made you some coffee." His voice broke through the fog of her thoughts, as he walked
toward the bed with a mug in his outstretched hand. She felt her heart flutter and offered him a small smile.

"Babe, you didn't have to-"

"I wanted to. I miss being able to," he whispered, pressing a kiss against her forehead before sitting down next to her on the edge of the mattress.

"We're going to get back to that place again," she assured, running her hand along his arm and taking a small sip from the cup.

"I hope so because I miss this the most – waking up in the morning, to have you cuddled up against my side."

Heat flooded her cheeks as she felt him staring.

"Only cuddle with you," she murmured into her coffee mug, fighting back a smile.

"I'd hope so."

"Pillows don't have the same effect."

She felt it as soon as the words left her mouth, the air shifted and the lighthearted mood turned cold.

"Where have you been staying?" he asked, his voice distant, as he avoided looking directly at her. Kate squeezed his hand, trying to save the moment, but he stiffened under her touch.

"We don't have to do this," she pleaded.

It didn't help. He practically jumped from the bed, like he had been burned from the contact of her hand or the meaning of her words. She could see the storm brewing within his eyes, but she deserved it. As much as she didn't want him to be angry with her, she couldn't believe it hadn't come to this yet.

"I can't know where my wife is sleeping at night?" Castle growled the question, no longer facing her as his voice bellowed throughout the space.

"It's nothing glamorous, Castle. Most nights I crash at the Precinct on the couch in my office, play it off like I was up late working."

He wasn't going to drop it, nor should he. That wasn't who he was, it wasn't what he did and that was exactly why she could be with him during this investigation. This conversation confirmed that even with the littlest thing, his curiosity overruled everything else.

Taking one more sip from her coffee, she let the taste and smell envelop her senses for a moment, avoiding what was to come. With a small sigh, Kate set the mug onto the nightstand and walked up to where he stood, wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her cheek against the bare skin of his back.

"But you took all of your clothes…don't tell me they're all in your office." The fight was gone from his tone; everything from the sound to his posture indicated how defeated he felt. Shame spread through her veins and tortured her stomach, but getting sick right now wouldn't help anything. She took a deep breath trying to calm her nerves and prevent herself from running into their bathroom.

"They're not. I have a hotel room."

"That's all you're going to tell me?" he asked, turning around to face her and resting his forehead against hers, the intimacy overwhelming her thoughts.

"Castle, please don't make this any harder than it has to be," she whispered, closing her eyes to force back any threatening tears.

"Make this any harder?" he yelled, pushing away from her. "Kate, you're my wife. My wife, and I don't know where you are or who you're with or if you're fucking alive half of the time." Castle stopped for a beat, his mouth opened to speak, but he choked back tears that she realized were rolling down his cheeks. "Make this any harder? There's no way to make this any harder because this is killing me."

"I should go…"

She bent down to gather her clothes that had been flung throughout the room, quickly throwing them on. It was best for everyone if she made a quick exit at this point. Everything she did continued to hurt him and she needed to stop. He deserved so much more than what she was giving him.

Castle followed her into the living room as she found her shoes that were thrown near the couch from their previous night's activities. "Is that how it's going to be?" he asked and she stopped dead in her tracks, eyes pleading with him to understand.

"It's killing me too," she admitted. "I came here last night because of how much I wanted to be near you. How much I needed you..."

"Then why are you doing this? Whatever it is, Kate, we can do it together."

All she could do was offer him a sad smile as she shook her head. "That's the problem. That's always been the problem and that's why I can't be here while I work through this."

"Because we can't work together?" he scoffed.

"Not on this, Castle," she exhaled, bringing her bottom lip between her teeth. "Never on this. I need my husband and partner, but the idea of you, working on this with me? It terrifies me."

"There's nothing we can't face together…"

"I need to take care of this alone, Babe and when it's done, if you still want me-"

She had to turn away, each word she said seemed to crush him more, the hurt ingrained in every inch of his expression.

"I will always want you," he said, reaching for her hand to pull her back into his arms. "It just sounds like you're on a suicide mission. Let me protect you." He held her tight against his body almost to emphasize what he was saying. God, she wished she could stay. She wished so many things.

"No, Castle." She stopped to look up at him. "I'm doing this because I want to live. I want our happy ending, but you can't be involved. This is me, protecting you," she whispered against his skin, sipping one last taste from his lips.

"Kate-"

"I should go. I love you, Rick."

"Just wait- I can't stand not seeing you."

"You seem to be doing a good job working your way into the cases with the Twelfth," she
said, turning back around with a careful smile. Her hand was on the doorknob and she was about to walk out on him yet again. She had to say something, had to lighten the mood to give him a small speck of hope even though she felt like everything was crashing around her yet again. He looked as if he'd offer anything in the world to get her to stay and all she could do was shy away from the love in his eyes. "And if all else fails, Castle, you could always fetch me my coffee."

Castle was quiet for a moment, long enough for Kate to grow concerned. It hadn't been the time for jokes. She should've been more sensitive to what she was putting them both through. Panic washed over her through another minute of his silence until she finally looked up to see a small smile on his face.

"I've been told I'm great at fetching."

tbc

Thanks for reading! I would love to hear from you!

As many know, I'm a fan of season 8 thus far so I had this idea and wanted to see it play out on the page. Hopefully you all enjoy the journey!

xoxo

Thanks to my lovely beta squad.