sophrosyne
—five times shinya tried to be a big brother, and one time he succeeded.

author's babbles:
.honestly, shinya and shinoa are bae.
.their relationship is beautiful and i have no excuses because i love those dorky siblings.
.surprisingly, i still love guren the same despite all. yes, i'm looking at you, mahiru, or whoever you are now.
.well, i have lots of conflicted feelings about kureto because of the things he did in chapter 39, so cue me.
.and yuunoa is still my one and only, just saying :)

this is for you, my late brother from another mother, i hope you're happy wherever you are.

.

.

.

It was raining when Mahiru died.

Shinya wrapped his arms around his numb body, a pair of pale eyes downcast into the hard ground below. The rain was pelting hard down the earth, pounding heartlessly into his wan skin he flinched from the violent touch. There was a distant roar from afar, screaming anguish and revenge and his heart dropped into the pit of his stomach when he realized all he could hear was silence.

"Shinoa," he whispered through the drops of water, and caught the girl's blank eyes from his peripheral vision. "Please don't cry."

"I'm not crying." she said in a heartbeat, the rain pitter-pattering against her flushed cheeks and it created an illusion of pearly tears, which could be a reality, because for all he knew she was crying her eyes out under this heavy pour.

His heart dropped even further.

"I'm not crying."

She repeated with a strain in her voice. The cold inside him intensified tenfold, his toes and fingers curled, and suddenly he was a kid again, full of despair, full of fear, full of – of nothing. She didn't deserve this. Barely a girl and not an adult yet, she was just a child. Eight winters was her age and the world's already keen on bringing forth pain and reality right into her face.

Shinoa was young, so, so young, and yet it didn't stop the world from crushing her hopes and dreams.

(The world is cruel, after all.)

Shinya tore his eyes away and watched his friend, his tormentor, his savior crawled on the soppy mud, murmuring a (dead) girl name over and over again like a broken record as he cradled bloodstained sword close to his heart as though it were her he was holding and it was sick.

Guren was sick.

He had been sick for a long time now.

And Shinoa—

(His blood ran cold when he saw her again by his side, standing with her lithe legs, eyes empty and unseeing as rain drenched her through the bone she was – she was—)

Shinoa was broken.

And he couldn't do a thing besides watching her die, little by little.

(I'm so sorry, Shinoa.)

.

i'll give you a bunch of flowers, sister
i'll present you a bouquet of monkshoods and wisterias,
all wrapped in striking violet blooms and winter's frost
because i know how much you love them, those fragile petals

.

Shinya was baffled when he woke up the day after.

Even though yesterday the world almost ended, nothing had changed.

Life didn't stop. Morning came and night stayed like before. Humankind wasn't perished and there was hope.

People did mourn for a while, there was tears and chocked sobs everywhere but then, a moment later, a bouquet of wilted lilies was left by their beloved's tombs and suddenly they were smiling and they moved on.

How could they move on that fast, when he was stuck inside this loophole forever?

(Well, forever was a very long time, and his human's life was fleeting.)

There was no funeral for Mahiru, he realized.

It was to be expected. There was no point of remembrance for a traitor. And there was no body to bury, too. He was sure that they were trying to get rid of her for once and all by erasing her from existence.

And apparently, by getting rid of her it meant getting rid of her sister, too.

(He tried to block Kureto's arrogant smirk and Seishiro's haughty sneer from his head and told himself Hiragi Tenri wasn't her father, and never was a father, because no father should have ordered him to cast Shinoa away when she had no worth anymore now that Mahiru's gone. No father should have discarded his own blood just because she was no longer of use.

Shinoa wasn't a toy he could dispose when she was broken. Shinoa was human. Why couldn't he understand that?)

"Hey, imouto-chan." he said softly to her, mussing up her hyacinth colored hair. "How are you?"

Shinoa shrugged carelessly, face ivory-pale with bags under her eyes. "I'm fine, like always. What are you doing here, Nii-san?"

"I've come to get you." he smiled, and took her hand in his, linking their fingers together, but then grieved when he noticed how thin she was beneath her perfect facade. She was only skin and bones, for god's sake. What had they done to her? How long had she suffered? And alone? Did she suffer alone, with no one to count on?

And where was he, between all of this?

Where was Shinya?

(I was hiding. I was being a coward. I was back into square one. I was being selfish. I was running away. I was – I was—)

Shinya breathed in and out, raked a hand between his waxen bangs, and shoved those revolting thoughts to a corner of his mind. Putting on a brave pretense he crouched down her level to stare at her all-seeing eyes, smiling once more.

"Will you go with me?"

She was mute for a minute, tangerine orbs digging into his muddy blue ones and with a voice that slightly shook, she whispered;

"To where?"

Shinya's smile turned bitter before he pulled her into his embrace.

"Home." he murmured. "We're going home."

(He pretended he didn't hear her strangled sobs as they walked on the lonely road, side by side.)

.

and i'll take your small hand in mine, lead you home
i'll brush your hair from your face just like i'll brush your tears from your eyes
remember that i'll be there for you whenever you need me
so tell me when you're hurting, because i'll sing you a lullaby when it's hard to keep on living

.

"I'm going to join Moon Demon Company."

His grip around his half-baked toast escalated into desperate claw as his chest constricted beneath his rib cage.

No.

Not her too.

He could not bear the thought of her dying between his arms. He didn't need another Mahiru to mourn.

Shinya gulped a lump which formed behind his throat. "I won't let you." he said. "You know how they used them like sacrificial pawns."

"Guren-san is there." she said flatly. "I don't hear you complaining about him."

"You and him are different." he hissed, sky-eyes darkening into molten blue. "Don't use him as your reason to waste your life."

"I'm not wasting my life and we're not different, Nii-san." she paused to lick her lower lip. "We are human, are we not? What makes us different when his blood run as red as mine and he breathes the same way like I do?"

"You are a child, Shinoa!" he snapped. "You're just a child. You can't fight. I won't let you."

Shinya stilled like a stone when he realized that he'd raised his voice at her. Perhaps it was the first time he'd ever did so, looking at the streak of surprise drawn across her face. Her eyes were wide open for a moment, unblinking, before they gradually sunk into their usual size. Silence was weaved between them, no one was talking, no one was moving, no one was giving in, not until Shinoa tore her gaze away and sighed heavily into the tense air.

"I don't need your permission to join." she pursed her lips into a tight line before she turned around and began to walk away. "Good day, Major General Hiragi Shinya-sama."

The door behind her was left shut.

And he was left alone, mourning for another life he failed to safe.

(Mahiru, I'm sorry. Guren, I'm sorry. I can't help her after all. I'm nothing without the two of you. I'm just a failure, a trash, my parent was right to sell me out. What should I do now? Please tell me, I'm lost.)

.

i'll do anything for you, so please don't cast me away
don't forget me, don't leave me, don't hate me
because you know i just want the best for you
i'll keep you safe, even it means i have to sacrifice myself in the process

.

Shinjuku was a hall of blood and bones, today.

Guren was there.

And Shinoa was there.

Between those bloodsuckers, all laid bare and open, Shinoa was there.

Why didn't he forbid her from going into battlefield? Why did he let her go? Why he wasn't by her side? Why he was here, inside this suffocating safe-house, waiting for his comrades out there to die one by one before he could finally step his feet out from this jail they called safety?

He didn't need this, this stupid sanctuary when his sister and best friend were out there, waiting to be killed. He was so tempted to march his way into their place, and march he did, all the while praying that he wasn't too late—

(Please, please, please don't let them die. I beg you god, please let them be alive. Please, please, please—)

And found her right there.

Down to her knees, wild lavender hair fanned around her, her torn uniform, and blood – there was blood and she was—

"Shinoa," he panted, eyes shifting wildly. "God, Shinoa you're—"

"I'm fine." she whispered softly, her palm desperately covered a blotch of crimson upon her neck. "I'm okay now."

Shinya grinded his teeth together, the painful wails of his scraping canines hurt his ears as he held back anger and desperation at the tips of his tongue. "But that boy almost—"

"It's not his fault." she cut him off, and something in her voice made his inside twisted around. "Yuu-san didn't mean to, he's just—"

"Stay away from that boy." he said sharply before she could even finish. "Stay away from him."

Shinoa shook her head. "Shinya-niisan—"

"Please." he whispered, cupping her cheeks inside his palms. "I just want you to be safe."

Shinoa threw her face sideward, refusing to catch his worried gaze.

"I'm sorry…" she murmured. "But I can't do that. I can't leave him alone. Forgive me, Nii-san…."

Shinya froze, all colors drained from his translucent skin.

That was the second time he'd ever felt so defeated since Mahiru's.

.

and i'll wish you happiness when time is everything but halcyon
i'll kiss you goodnight and pray for your future above mine
i'll try to be your big brother, so please don't cry anymore
because i'll stay by your side forever

.

He watched her these days, and noticed the littlest changes about her.

(Because she was his sister, she was his little princess, and if not him, who else would?)

Shinoa no longer wore her mask, opting to let her emotions clear and laid bare upon her face for the whole world to see. Her smile had become a bit wider and her eyes spark differently from before. She smiled more, and not those fakes this time around, she was so alive and he was reminded of a girl he'd once known in his distant past. He was reminded again of the young princess he met in his childhood and wondered how that boy could stitch her gaping wound when he couldn't even make a dent through her pent up misery, at all.

He was wrong to condemn that boy for hurting her. Because in fact, he was the one who fixed her, who changed her for the better, who healed her old and fresh wound alike.

That boy was her heart now, and it's time for Shinya to let her go.

"Please take care of her." he said softly one afternoon, honeyed light bathed him golden. "I don't want to see her cry."

Yuichiro, he noticed, was all quiet and observing for the first time he'd known the boy, his pair of seafoam irises were sharp and calculating as he stared at him a little too seriously.

"You know that I will." The raven crowned boy said after a moment, frowning. "I care about her—I love her. I would never make her cry."

Shinya smiled at his honest answer, albeit a tad bitter because now she had another person to hold into. Another person she cherished beyond help and another person she could count on. She'd found a person to love and to be loved. She'd found happiness.

(His eyes burned, fireflowers blooming behind his eyelids, scorching red and hot. There was slight pain inside his chest, tight and revolting, because a part inside him still could not accept the fact that she didn't need her big brother anymore now she had him.)

"She loves you, you know?" Yuichiro said, startling him out from his musings. "She loves you so much. Sometimes I envy you for that. I can be such a jealous person, so I'm going to watch you, Shinya-san." he grinned, showing his teeth and he knew that the boy was honest. There was no lie beneath his words.

Something inside him soared.

"I'm—"

"Ne, what are you talking about?"

They were startled when out of the blue she appeared between their towering forms with her trademark ashen hair and copper eyes, her mouth quirked a little at the corner she was smiling teasingly at them.

Shinya stopped for a moment to look at her. And this time, he really looked.

There was light behind her eyes now, not hollow and full of restrained sorrow like years ago. Her smile was true, as true as a smile could, and she was no longer holding herself back, no longer playing it safe. And he wondered, just when she had changed when he was always looking after her?

The answer was simple.

"Shinoa," he called her like he called her younger self years ago, kind smile and sky-eyes crinkling down upon her. "Thank you."

She titled her head. "For what?"

"Everything." he smiled.

.

shinoa, those days i spent with you were amazing
you, who taught me the meaning of love
you, who taught me to smile from the bottom of my heart
i can only thank you
i love you with all i have, princess
i hope he treats you well, because if he don't, i'm going to take you away from him
so you have to smile, and remember that i will always be your big brother, your place to lean on
thank you for being born,
be happy for me, please?

big brother

.

author's notes:
Shinya deserves more love. That bae has enough pain to last for a livetime. And Shinoa, my poor baby, please protect her she's done nothing wrong (Chapter 38 and 39 anyone? Yes, I'm looking at you, Kagami-sensei). God, do I have to wait for a month until the next chapter is out? I need my shinyoa (BROTP, of course) and yuunoa moments, dammit. December please be here soon :) Anyway, I'm sorry if there are any mistakes and typos, I'm still learning and English is not my mother language so please forgive me (T^T) Thank you for reading minna-san~ Until me meet again :D

p.s: for semper memeto readers; please wait a little more alright? I'm trying my best, but life has been busy so I couldn't do much. Thank you for your understanding :)