Rating: T

Warnings: Language, violence, Obito whump, moral greyness, gratuitous destruction, sap, cheese, etc.

Word Count: ~17000 overall, ~3000 this chapter

Pairings: Kakashi/Obito, vague mentions of Orochimaru/Jiraiya, Kisame/Itachi.

Notes: I actually finished a thing. I actually finished a thing. And A Snake in the Grass is next, gdit, istg. Next chapter shit goes down and I finally enter the home stretch, woo.

(Oh my god, someone take the coffee away from me. I'm so sorry.)

Only True in Fairy Tales

4. now i'm a believer

Kakashi smiles, eyes crinkling, and steps forward. Long, strong arms come up, wrapping around Obito's shoulders and carefully pulling him in. Obito goes without protest, burying his face in Kakashi's chest and taking a long, shuddering breath. He hurts, he hurts everywhere, but…this makes it okay. Not fine, maybe, but…better. And right now, better is the only thing Obito needs.

"You goddamn glorious bastard," he mumbles into Kakashi's Kevlar vest. "Why the hell did you come? You could have been killed."

"By Gato?" Kakashi sounds far too amused. "You have no faith in me, Obito. Besides, we had plans for dinner. I wasn't going to let you wiggle out of them."

"Caught," Obito laments, though he doesn't mean a word of it. "Fuck, I guess I'm going to have to suffer through more of your company, you lazy bastard."

Kakashi smiles into his hair and kisses his cheek, because he's a complete sap. "I have a confession to make," he murmurs against Obito's skin.

"Oh?" Obito asks curiously, tilting his head as those lips slide towards his throat.

"Mm," Kakashi hums. "When you were gone today, I…"

Obito is impatient enough that in other circumstances he'd prod Kakashi to finish that sentence. Right now, however, he's a little distracted by the hands sliding up his bare back, the kisses being pressed in a meandering line down to his collarbone. "You?"

"I…" Kakashi pauses, pulling back a little. He stares at Obito for a long moment, then leans forward and breathes against his ear, "I drank coffee out of a Styrofoam cup."

"What?" Obito squawks, torn between indignation and—no, wait, that's indignation too. "Kakashi! I know I told you just how bad that shit is for you and the environment! Fuck, are you trying to give yourself cancer? They won't even recycle polystyrene crap anymore because of all the chemicals it throws into the atmosphere! And you're putting hot liquid in it and then drinking it? You moron!"

"Ah, the dulcet tones of true love," Kisame says dryly, picking his way down the stairs on the far side of the room, flashlight in hand. "Tobi, do we need to get a stretcher in here, or is the rest of you working as well as your lungs?"

Obito flips him off, but probably tellingly, he doesn't try to pull away from Kakashi. "Just for that, Beast, you're helping me up the stairs."

Kisame grins at him, all sharp teeth and threatening humor. "Oh, far be it from me to tread on lover-boy's knightly toes. Should I get you a tiara to go with all the distress?"

Obito bares his teeth right back. "Just wait until I'm recovered, bastard. I think everyone needs a refresher course in hand-to-hand, don't you?"

It is eminently satisfying to watch Kisame blanch.

Smirking, Obito wraps his arm over Kakashi's shoulders, lets his boyfriend secure an arm around his chest, and starts his arduous hobble up the stairs. "Everyone's all right?" he demands. "And go get Zabuza, we can dump him in the gutter and he'll owe us one."

"Testy, testy," Kisame mutters, but ducks into the room and emerges a moment later with the man slung over his shoulder. As he follows them up, he taps his earpiece and murmurs, "This is Beast. Tobi secured. Sound off." A moment of listening, and then he nods. "Everyone's fine. Angel and Gardener grabbed Gato, and the rest are working their way through the building. Pretty boy wants to know if he can blow it up."

Obito debates this, decides he's not at all opposed, and agrees. "Only once we're clear. And tell him to make it look like an accident."

Kisame chuckles darkly as he relays the message, and Obito glances up a little to see Kakashi watching him with an odd expression on his face. It makes his heart sink a little, but he braces himself and says, "If you're going to dump me for being a barely-reformed terrorist, can you at least wait to do it until I'm in a hospital bed? I think a scene like that'll successfully fulfil the drama quotient of this disaster."

Kakashi chuckles softly, fingers curving gently around Obito's side and stroking gently over his heart. "Well," he says lightly. "If that's what you want. I was just planning to tell you how unbelievably sexy you look when you're causing widespread destruction and taking charge."

Pushing open the door at the top of the stairs, Kisame snickers. "Lover-boy, you ain't seen nothing yet. Wait until you get him in a warzone with his knives and a couple of guns. There's a reason Pein followed him around like a smitten puppy for four years, you know. Almost enough to get me hard just thinking about it."

Obito might gag a little bit, and this time he's certain it's not solely because of the concussion. "Damn it, Beast, keep that to yourself. I have no interest in what gets you going. And if I ever catch you fantasizing about me, I'll castrate you and make you eat it."

"I hope you know you're only exacerbating the problem," Sasori says dryly, rounding a doorway with a gun in one hand and a military-grade tablet in the other. "Beast is…fond of danger." Sharp eyes survey him for a moment, and then the hacker nods. "I'm glad you are alive. Permission to upload the contents of Gato's servers to the police network? The tech escaped, but I managed to hack his network before the power went down."

Obito waves a hand in agreement, trying to ignore the relief he feels at knowing Zabuza's kid got away. He's a criminal, after all, not heartless. "Go ahead. Is everyone ready to pull out?"

Sasori smiles thinly. "Angel is just finishing her discussion with Gato, and Bomber is setting up by the gas line. Everyone else is reconvening outside."

Having a decent idea of what Konan's "discussion" entails, Obito winces a little. "Good," he murmurs. "Tell her to hurry it up; I want us gone well before anything starts exploding. If Gato gets out in time, bully for him. If he doesn't…"

Kisame laughs. "Salt and burn it is," he says cheerfully, and then touches his comm, passing on the order.

Sasori's dark eyes are on Kakashi, and he looks thoughtful. "You don't appear to be troubled, Detective," he says shrewdly. "Are you sure this isn't going against your oaths?"

Obito looks, too, but Kakashi's expression is easy, even. He looks back at Obito, eyes crinkling in a faint smile, and says, "Remind me to tell you about my years in the Rangers. I'm not used to doing this so close to home, but a change of pace is nice sometimes."

"Hm." Sasori studies him for one more moment and then nods. "If you wish to apply for a position as a second handler for our team, I will support you," he says bluntly, then turns and heads for the door, sweeping rooms for any remaining threats as he goes.

"Same here," Kisame agrees, and then waggles his eyebrows exaggeratedly. "Tobi works a hell of a lot better when he's being handled, anyways." Still snickering, he clumps out, Zabuza dangling over his shoulder like a sack of rice.

"I hate them," Obito growls, clinging to Kakashi as he limps down the hall. "Hate them, hate them, hate them, hate them."

Kakashi just chuckles. "But it's an idea," he says, and that note in his voice is definitely hopeful.

"You're an idiot," Obito informs him testily. "All the polystyrene has rotted your brain. If you even so much as think about it, I'll—"

"I'll take that as a yes, then," Kakashi says, amused, and helps him down the front steps. The rest of the team, minus Konan and Deidara, are grouped around the van, and six pairs of eyes snap to Obito immediately when he stumbles on his bad ankle. Obito waves them off, trying to catch his breath, but doesn't fight when Nagato slides under his other arm to offer a little more support.

"Snake is waiting for us," the redhead says calmly. "He wanted to know if his stitches for the graze were holding. I made sure to inform him that it was a different bullet wound this time. Somehow I do not think he was impressed."

"Joy," Obito says flatly, letting Kakashi and Nagato heave him into the van and ease him down onto one of the seats. Hidan, Kakuzu, Zetsu, and Kisame file past to take a seat on the floor in the back, and Sasori settles into the driver's seat while Nagato takes shotgun. A moment later, Deidara bounces out of the building with Konan on his heels, and they both slide into the bench seat behind Obito and Kakashi.

"Five minutes until art," Deidara says rapturously. "Tobi, can we stay and see—"

"No," Obito and Konan hiss at the same time. They trade glances, even as Nagato snorts softly and Kisame cackles.

"So," the big man says cheerfully, leaning over the back of Konan's seat as the van pulls smoothly away from the curb. "Saw that cousin of yours while I was poking around your apartment, Tobi. Think I can wrangle an introduction?"

"Sasuke?" Obito bites out, ignoring the pain to turn as much as he's able and fix Kisame with a horrified glare. "He's seventeen!"

"What? No!" Kisame waves his hands. "The other one—the older one! With the long hair!"

The panic recedes, and Obito breathes out a sigh of relief. "Oh, you mean Itachi. You do know he can probably kill you with just a pinky, right? He was the youngest SWAT captain in the history of the precinct."

Kisame's smile turns alarmingly gooey. "Yeah," he says blissfully. "Kinda got that impression. So?"

It's a terrible idea, but Obito rolls his eye and nods regardless. He has a history of bad ideas that maybe sort of end as something not completely terrible. Like dating Kakashi, for one. "Sure," he agrees blandly. "Why not. Watching his reaction will at least be entertaining."

"You think he'll be horrified?" Kakashi asks interestedly, his fingers tracing abstract patterns on the back on Obito's neck.

Obito snorts. "What? No. Ten to one odds he'll be smitten on sight. Kisame's exactly his type."

Kakashi's face goes through a series of contortions as he clearly tries to reconcile Itachi and smitten. Also probably Kisame and his type. Obito pats his arm consolingly.

"Don't think about it too hard," he soothes. "It's better to just leave it alone."

"Can we stop for coffee?" Deidara asks plaintively from the back. "I'm running on fumes, un."

"No," Sasori answers flatly, his grip on the steering wheel white-knuckled. A taxi cuts him off, and he snarls out a blistering curse and stands on the horn. In the passenger seat, Nagato winces and reaches up to pinch the bridge of his nose.

"Twenty bucks says we crash before we make it ten blocks," Hidan says, grinning.

"Thirty on making it twelve," Zetsu counters.

"You're both idiots," Kakuzu huffs. "Fifty bucks we hit the power pole on the next corner."

Konan makes a sound like a discontented cat. "The next person who so much as implies we're going to crash has to come dress shopping with me," she threatens, and then raises her voice. "Nagato, if you let him crash I'm telling Yahiko about Tunisia."

"You are not," Nagato bites out, horror clear in his tone. Despite his denial, he reaches for the door handle. "Sasori, pull over. I'm driving."

Sasori lays on the horn again, cutting off a moving truck with a vicious snarl. "I can get us there in ten minutes."

"And I can get us there alive. Pull over."

"Sure you still want to hop onboard this crazy train?" Obito murmurs, twining his fingers with Kakashi's. "This is nothing. Missions are a hundred times worse. Then we actually want Sasori to drive."

Gently, fondly, Kakashi squeezes his hand. "Maa," he says carelessly. "I think I'll survive. Someone has to be your knight in shining armor, right?"

Sasori takes the corner a little too sharply, and Obito gives Kakashi just enough of a pointed shove that he goes tumbling off the seat with a yelp.

"Not a damsel, fuck you very much," he spits. "Sasori, evasive maneuvers. Get us there in seven minutes and you can pick what we watch on movie night."

The expression that crosses the hacker's face is very close to maniacal. "Mission accepted," he agrees, as close to cheerful as he ever gets, and floors it.

Kakuzu whimpers something that sounds very much like "No more art documentaries, please!" even as Nagato goes white in the face and grabs for the oh-shit handle. Konan sighs, deeply put-upon, while Deidara yelps and throws himself bodily over the back of the seat and onto his gear—and, more accidentally, on top of a swearing Zetsu. Kisame and Hidan laugh like the lunatics they are, clinging to the straps as the van bounces over the curb, skims a tree, a biker, and a street lamp, then cuts sideways through traffic and pulls a screeching U-turn onto a side street.

With admirable athleticism, Kakashi grabs the leg of the seat, hauls himself back onto the bench, and grabs Obito's hand again. "You're amazing," he says besottedly, landing a glancing kiss on the corner of Obito's mouth.

"I might throw up on you," Obito warns him, faintly green. The wild driving is definitely not helping his concussion.

Kakashi laughs and kisses his forehead fondly. "That's all right," he assures him. "I'll still love you anyway."

"Ah, true love," Kisame sighs, still hanging halfway over the back of the seat. "If you start talking about weddings, I might hurl. Just to warn you."

With a thoughtful noise, Kakashi tilts his head. "Kakashi Uchiha is an awful name," he says, sounding considering.

Obito can't believe this asshole. "And Obito Hatake would be so much better?" he hisses, refusing to acknowledge that he has actually thought about this before.

Kakashi beams at him. "Sure," he agrees. "Let's go with that. I'll pick the papers up from the courthouse tomorrow."

Obito stares. No. There's no way the asshole would—in a van with all his friends watching—while he has a concussion—

"I hate you," he says faintly. "Oh my god, you absolute bastard, did you just propose to me?"

Kakashi's smile simply widens. "Did you just say yes?" he counters.

"Yes," Obito blurts, obviously because of head trauma. And blood loss. Possibly long-buried mental instability as well.

"I call dibs on best man," Konan says immediately, because all of Obito's friends are awful.

From the front, Nagato makes a disconsolate sound. "I was going to call it," he complains.

For a long moment, Konan just eyes him. Then she smiles. It's utterly terrifying. "I'll fight you for it."

Nagato gives her a wary look. "Never mind. I've always wanted to be a ring-bearer anyway. But Rin might take you up on that."

"I'll be flower girl!" Deidara puts in.

"And I'll finally get to officiate a wedding." Hidan sounds deeply pleased.

"I'll pick the flowers and find an appropriate suit," Zetsu volunteers.

"Music," Sasori puts in, wrenching the wheel to the side just in time to miss a bus.

"I'll take care of food," Kisame says, and grins like a shark. "And booze."

Kakuzu hums. "I will rearrange accounts and create a budget. See me for funds. And I will try to find a honeymoon destination that avoids any countries with active warrants."

"Hate you," Obito mutters, pressing his hands over his face. "Oh my god, I hate you, I hate you collectively."

They laugh at him, because they're bastards. But Kakashi takes his hands in his own and kisses his knuckles, smiling brightly. "Thank you," he whispers against Obito's skin.

Definitely head trauma. Possibly insanity. But Obito grabs for him anyway, pulls him in and kisses him hard, because this is without a doubt another terrible idea.

And somehow, some way, Obito's terrible ideas have a habit of turning out all right.