Author's Note: This is a crack, parody story that contains violence, dark humor, character death, mentions of beastiality and out-of-characterness. This story was written solely for amusement and is not meant to be taken seriously.

Thor, Loki and all the characters mentioned here belongs to Stan Lee and Marvel.

Llamas with hats belongs to FilmCow on youtube.

Enjoy! :3

It was another beautiful day in Asguard and the oldest Odinson son, Thor, was making his way back home after a long day of fighting alongside the Avengers.

"Loki? Brother, I have returned!" Thor called as he landed on the ground and entered the beautiful palace which he called home. His bulky figure walked through the grand halls and through the large spacious dining room but he paused mid stride as something...or rather someone, caught his attention.

"Odin's beard!"

"Hello brother." The smooth silky voice of Loki purred as he entered the dining hall to greet his older, adopted brother. Thor's hed whipped around gazing at the chaotic prince in alarm.

"Loki! There's a dead Miduardian in the dining hall!"

Yes indeed. Leaned up against the blood splattered wall was a human man dressed in a nice suit with blood splattered o both it and the wall behind him. His eyes remained open in shock, his mouth hanging open as well in a silenced scream. In his lap lay some type of blaster gun. His body was littered with various stab marks. If Thor had to guess it seemed to be about thirty-seven stab marks to be precise.

Loki merely glanced at the dead human. "Oh hey. How did he get here?" he asked faking surprise.

"Loooookiiiii! What did you do!?" Thor groaned. He really couldn't leave his younger brother alone for more than five minutes.

"Me?!" Loki exclaimed offened. "I didn't do this!"

"Explain what happened Loki!" the god of thunder demanded.

"I've never seen him before in my life!" the black haired god defended.

"Why did you kill this person Loki?!"

"I do not kill people! That is-that is my least favorite thing to do!"

"You once killed eighty people in two days!"

"...I'm adopted?" Loki shrugged grinning sheepishly.

Thor just glared at his brother. "Tell me Loki, exactly what you were doing before I got home."

"Alright well, I was upstairs."

"Okay."

"I was sitting in my room."

"Yes."

"Reading a book."

"Go on."

"And well this guy walked in." he gestured to the body. "And honestly I'm not even sure how he got to Asguard in the first place. I feel like we need to question Heimdal. Maybe he brought him here with a portal-"

"Do not change the subject, Loki." Thor interrupted not in the mood.

"Right, right, right, yes well, so this guy walks in."

"Okay."

"So I went up to him."

"Yes?"

"And I, uh, I stabbed him thirty-seven times in the chest...with my scepter."

"...LOOOOOOOOKIIIIIII THAT KILLS PEOPLE!"

The god of mischief's green eyes widened. "What?! Oh, oh wow. I just- I didn't know that."

"How can you not know that?!"

"I'm in the wrong here. To put it in adolescent Midguardian terms, 'I suck.'" Loki shook his head, feigning self disappointment in himself.

Thor opened his mouth to scold his green clad brother once more but stopped as he glanced at the body again and noticed something horrifying. "Oh gods."

"What?"

"What happened to his hands?"

"What's that?" Loki asked.

"His hands! Wh-why are they missing?!"

Again, Loki glanced at the body as if to confirm what he already knew. The body's hands were missing. Only two bloody stubs remaining in their place.

Loki hesitated before answering. "Well I uh...I-I kind of cooked them up. And fed them the Sleipner."

"...Looookiiii!"

"Well he was hungry." Loki shrugged.

As if on cue, the eight legged black horse trotted into the room letting out a happy neigh. Much to Thor's disgust he saw the horses muzzle coated in red.

"Neeeeiiigh~!" Sleipner bellowed and nuzzled his "Mother".

Loki smiled and scratched the horse under the chin. "That's a good boy. Tell your uncle Thor that your stomach was making the rumblies that only hands could satisfy~"

"What is WRONG with you Loki?!" Thor screamed at his wits end.

"Well lets see," Loki started off counting off his fingers. "I kill people, have sex with horses and feed hands to my horse/son so that's three things."

Thor groaned loudly and pulled at the long blonde hair that stuck out from under his silver winged helmet. He once more looked at the dead Midguardian slumped up against the wall. Why did he seem so familiar?

Thor narrowed his blue eyes and studied the man. In the left breast pocket he noticed something hanging out of it. Something that looked like a name tag. He went over and flipped the tag over, reading the name.

S.H.E.I.L.D Agent Phil Coulson.

Loki killed Phil!

"How am I going to explain this to Director Fury?!"