71 Things Tony Stark is Not Allowed To Do.

1. Tony is not allowed to refer to his lab as his Evil Science Lair, and then yell, "MUA! HA! HA! HA!" It makes people nervous.

2. Tony is not allowed to Photoshop Thor's head to L'Oreal's 'you're worth it' advertisement, and then have it plastered on billboards all over the city.

3. Even if Thor thinks it's funny.

4. Especially if Loki thinks it's funny.

5. Tony is not allowed to eat the Red, White and Blue Turbo Rocket popsicle in front of Steve

6. Especially when there are other people present.

7. Even if it makes Steve throw him over his ridiculously big shoulders and run to their bedroom.

8. It grosses Clint out.

9. Who then proceeds to complain endlessly to Natasha about "why can't those two keep their hands off each other for just five seconds? Do you know the time when I caught them doing - ?"

10. Natasha really, really doesn't like Clint complaining.

11. Or the unwanted information about Tony and Steve's sex lives.

12. Tony is not allowed to refer to himself as The Beauty, and Bruce as The Beast.

13. It's insensitive (according to Pepper)

14. Plus, it makes Steve jealous for some reason.

15. Tony is not allowed to refer to himself as the salt to Pepper's...well, pepper. That joke is getting older than Steve.

16. See number 14 again.

17. Tony is not allowed to tell new employees at Stark Tower that J.A.R.V.I.S is "the voice of God. Oh my God, you can hear it too?"

18. Tony is not allowed to bribe The New York Times into printing a public service announcement stating that Justin Hammer has herpes.

19. Tony is not allowed to play the theme song from Psycho every time Nick Fury walk into the room.

20. And then scream like Janet Leigh.

21. Tony is not allowed to permit Dummy to leave the Lab. Ever.

22. Tony is not allowed to refer to the hickeys on Clint's skin as the real Widow's Bite.

23. Tony is not allowed to scream "IT'S ALIVE!" every time Coulson walk into the room.

24. And then jump into Steve's arms.

25. Tony is not allowed to stick a note on the back of Steve's jacket saying: property of Tony Stark. If found, please return to Stark Tower, whenever Steve goes out on his own.

26. And then proceed to hack into the city's CCTV cameras to "make sure Steve's not being molested by little old ladies."

27. Tony is not allowed to anger Bruce just so he can get piggy back rides from the Hulk.

28. The property damage is getting ridiculous.

29. Tony is not allowed to challenge Thor to a pop-tart eating contest. Thor on a sugar rush is a public hazard.

30. Tony, along with Clint, is not allowed to throw spit balls from the vents at the new interns in the R&D department and call it 'positive interaction.'

31. Tony is not allowed to randomly kidnap Skye in order to lure her to the 'awesomeness that is Tony Stark and Bruce Banner: Science Bros Extraordinaire.'

32. It upsets Coulson.

33. No matter how cool he thinks she is.

34. Tony is not allowed to send Loki books and/or pamphlets on adoption.

35. Or single parenthood.

36. Tony is not allowed to distribute fake wedding invitations at S.H.I.E.L.D headquarters celebrating the upcoming nuptials of Nick Fury and Maria Hill.

37. It makes Hill trigger happy.

38. No one wants that. No one.

39. Tony is not allowed to install a DDR machine in the Tower and then force new employees to compete as part of the 'initiation process.'

40. Tony is not allowed to introduce Darcy to others as his 'long lost illegitimate daughter.'

41. And then sic Dummy lose on any guy who comes near her.

42. Tony is not allowed to hack into Mario Kart so that only he can win.

43. It leads to bloodshed.

44. The laundry guys are getting really tired of all the blood stains they have to get rid of.

45. Tony is not allowed to give Steve a strip tease in the communal lounge.

46. Nobody except Steve wants to see him in a Captain America catsuit.

47. Tony is not allowed to ask Steve to "draw me like one of your French girls."

48. And then get naked.

49. No matter where he is.

50. Tony is not allowed to buy The Dodgers for Steve every time their anniversary comes around.

51. Tony is not allowed to dye all of Clint's clothes purple.

52. And then proclaim loudly to everyone that the colour purple represents sexual frustration.

53. Tony is not allowed to send assassins after General Ross.

54. Even if Natasha and Clint offer.

55. Tony is not allowed to ask Natasha to start playing with her knives every time an intern or a new Tower employee walks past her.

56. And then smile at them while doing so.

57. Tony is not allowed to start a paint gun war between the Avengers.

58. That has the potential to bring about the Apocalypse.

59. Tony is not allowed to ask Loki what gender he is.

60. Tony is not allowed to scream "blasphemy!" and then cross himself whenever he sees someone holding an Apple product.

61. Or Microsoft.

62. And then burn it to the ground and call it an exorcism.

63. Tony is not allowed to write 'for a good time, call...' on the walls of all of New York's public restrooms and attach Clint's mobile number next to it.

64. Tony is not allowed to seduce Steve anywhere on the Helicarrier, or S.H.I.E.L.D headquarters.

65. And then have unnecessarily loud and noisy sex.

66. Many S.H.I.E.L.D Agents already have PTSD. They don't need the added trauma.

67. Tony is not allowed to drench Wanda in 'holy water' while screaming "Witch! Fiend! Demon!" at her.

68. Tony is not allowed to refer to himself in the third person.

69. Tony is not allowed to send death threats to Mark Gatiss and Steven Moffat to force them to "make Sherlock season 4 happen. Now."

70. Tony is not allowed to tell Pepper that "the only way I'll attend any of those mind numbingly boring galas is if you convince Angelina Jolie to be my date."

71. Visit number 14 again. Seriously, Steve is a jealous and possessive person. Get that through your thick head.