Im back daddy

"So… you're a friend from Issei's school are you?" Issei's mother asked him.

Michael leaned back in his chair, and let out a burp in response. Issei's dad pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a sigh. The white table they all sat at had a couple of coffee stains in it, and the house smelt like someone had taken a can of frebreeze and sprayed it in every single orifice of it.

"Yep, he's definitely one of Issei's buddies alright." He said.

Michael looked around at the dining room of Issei's house, and took in a deep breath. Issei sat next to him, squirming in his brown wooden seat. Most likely out of fear for what his parents were going to do to him for this.

"Rias had come by and said you were homeless, and we just couldn't let a… boy such as yourself live on the streets." Issei's mom said.

"Yes and-"Issei's dad started.

"Uh-huh." Michael halfheartedly responded.

"Um… and she told me that-"

"Yep." Michael interrupted again.

He felt Issei kick him under the table, and Michael shot him his death glare.

"Do that again you little fuck and I'll put you through a wall." Michael threatened.

Said devil shrunk back in his seat, his eyes lowering to the table.

Issei's mother sighed.

"Rias was right… you poor child."

Michael raised an eyebrow, and looked at her.

"Poor child? The fuck did she say again?" Michael asked.

He quickly looked back to his suit of power armor, which he had stepped out of to sit down in the seat. The T51-b stood upright against the wall, with its back facing them. Oddly, Issei's parents paid no mind to it when he walked in the door. In fact, they told him that he could 'hang up his coat' on the rack next to the door. Was that magic too? How? Rias wasn't here before he was; he was damned sure about that. Issei was pretty weirded out by it too.

"She told me that you grew up on the streets! That you had to fight tooth and nail just to get scraps of food from rats. That's why you have such violent behavior. We can't turn you away! We need to show you what it's like to have parents." Issei's mom said, smiling at him.

Michael felt his jaw drop in disbelief.

"What?" He asked.

"You're free to stay here basically. Forgive the wife; she can get a bit sentimental sometimes." Issei's old man said.

He looked over to Issei with his brow furrowed, and the devil just shrugged his shoulders in response. Michael pinched the bridge of his nose, and let out a sigh of his own. Grew up on the streets? Fought with rats? What kind of bullshit sob story did she feed these guys? Rias totally got the fought with rats thing wrong too.
Sometimes he would get bored and straight up just bite the rats to assert his dominance. He'd have to use a lot of ancient toothpaste for that though, so it wasn't a thing he did all the time. He never did it when he was sober either.

"Yep. Had to battle the rat's n' all that good shit. Did you know that I've never even had a bed? Oh yeah. Never." Michael said, doing his best not to give a shit eating grin.

The way he understood it, Rias probably used some kind of magic on them before feeding them her line of bullshit. If he really milked that magic cow, he could probably get spoilt by these losers.

"You poor dear… We have an extra room next to Issei's, it's all yours." Issei's mom said.

Michael grinned.

"Thanks… mom. I've also never held money before in my life. I've always been poor and unable to afford food for myself. I'm used to just eating trash out of the garbage cans in alleys."

He felt Issei glaring holes at him.

She practically threw twenty dollars at him from her purse.

"Spend it on what you want dear." She said, giving a sweet smile.

"Sucker..." Michael snickered.

"What was that?" His mother asked.

"Oh, I was thinking that I would buy a sucker. Never had one of those either ya know?"

Issei coughed.

"Well, me and Mike got a lot of studying and shit to get done. Right Mike?" Issei said.

"I've also never studied before; do you think you could do my work for me bro?" Michael snickered. "I'll watch and learn alrighty?"

"No." Issei responded.

"Issei!" His mother yelled.

Michael held in a laugh. Too fucking easy.

"Okay! Okay. Come on dude." Issei said, standing up from his seat.

Michael stood up as well, and they entered his room, leaving Issei's parents in the kitchen. Michael walked inside of his room, and took a deep breath through his nose.

"Smells like sweat and shame." Michael said, looking around.

A small brown wooden desk sat in the left corner of the room, and had various papers scattered around it. On the opposite side of the desk in the right corner of the room, was a bed with a ruffled blue blanket laying on top of it. Michael walked over to the black rolling chair in front of the desk, and sat down, placing both hands behind his head.

Issei closed the door behind him, and crossed his arms at Michael.

"You are such a cock dude." Issei said.

"That's why ya love me you bastard. I was kidding about the homework; I'm not doing that shit at all. I already fuckin' graduated my high school. Top of the class n' everything." He laughed. "And you aren't going to study are you?" He asked.

"Fuck no. Who the hell would study at a time like this?" Issei asked him.

Michael narrowed his eyes at him.

"At a time like this? What the fuck are you talking about?" Michael asked him.

Issei quickly took a seat on his bed, and gave Michael a sly smile.

"Why are you looking at me like that? You're freaking me the fuck out kid. If you keep looking at me like that I'll probably bite one of your ears off."

Issei chuckled.

"Okay, so who is the hottest chick in the occult research club in your opinion?" Issei asked him.

Michael let out a groan.

"Good god I don't care about that kind of thing. Can't we talk about how fucking awesome it was how we killed that big ass stray devil instead?"

Issei shook his head.

"No! If you won't go first, then I will!" Issei yelled. "It's gotta be Rias dude, those curves, those fantastic fun bags, and you can't forget dat ass man!"

Michael let out another small laugh.

"You're one perverted kid." Michael said.

"You don't know the half of it my man! One day I'm going to have my own harem of sexy succulent babes!" Issei declared.

Michael scoffed.

"Dude. Come on, there isn't anything else you fuckin' aspire too? You don't wanna be an astronaut or some shit?" Michael asked.

Issei crossed his arms and smirked.

"No. That's all I've ever wanted ever since I started noticing lady parts!"

"Issei. I'm gonna get really real with you here for a second, alright? So listen the fuck up. Sex is nothing, and I mean nothing compared to killing. It's the sweetest thing there is. There isn't a damn thing that comes close to seeing brain matter fly out of a skull or sticking a knife in someone's diaphragm. Give that shit a try before talking about 'lady parts' bro." Michael said.

Issei gave him a disturbed look.

"And you say I'm one messed up kid. You need a therapist." Issei said.

Michael shrugged.

"Nah. I'd probably end up yelling at him." Michael said.

Issei chuckled.

"Whatever dude. Anyway… um… I don't know if this is going to be an awkward question for you or not, but have you ever… you know…" Issei asked, rubbing the back of his head.

"Have I ever what? Fuckin' spit it out dude. It isn't like someone shoved a cock down your throat fuck."

Issei furrowed his brow at that.

"Have you ever done the dirty with anyone before where you come from?" Issei asked him.

"Done the dirty? Wait… you're asking me if I've ever fucked anyone aren't you?" Michael asked, pointing at him.

"Um… Yes." Issei asked.

Michael frowned.

"Why the hell do you care exactly?" He asked.

"We're dudes. Isn't this question supposed to be asked?" Issei asked.

Michael sighed, and leaned forward in his chair.

"No." Michael answered.

"No? But… chicks at school are always clawing each other's eyes out because of you at school!" Issei yelled with surprise. "Seriously! I hear them constantly talking about how… well, manly you are."

Michael leaned back in his chair once more and laughed.

"Did you see me giving a fuck kid?" Michael asked him, his eyebrow raised.

"Not really… but dude, you came from a shitty wasteland right? Where there wasn't much in the way of justice-"Issei started.

"Issei, I was fuckin' justice in that shitty wasteland. Think about that. A sociopathic killing machine was considered a messiah out there. Yeah, it was shitty, but it was also really fun." Michael said.

"Let's go back to you being a virgin." Issei said.

Michael let out another groan of annoyance.

"Dude, why the fuck do you care so much? Yes, I never put my penis in a vagina, but you know what? After I left the vault that was never at the fuckin' forefront at my mind. I had to find my fucking dad; I was getting shot at by every mother fucker in a ten mile radius. Safe to say, I don't give a shit about sex. I can acknowledge when someone is attractive and all that good shit, but there are more important things to be thinking about." Michael said. "Tell you what, when we can, I'll take you out shooting. You don't feel as powerful as you do when you're holding a weapon that can blow someone you don't likes face off."

Issei shrunk back in his seat during the majority of that rant, but his eyes lit up when Michael mentioned that he would take him out shooting.

"There we go!" Michael yelled, cackling. "Anyway, I'm tired as fuck, so I'm gonna crash."

…

Michael groggily opened his eyes, seeing the dark ceiling of the occult research club above him. After him and Issei got to school, Michael went to the clubroom to take a powernap on the couch, while Issei went to his little classes. Maybe he was learning his ABC's today, or some shit.

The cause of his awakening was that little Konoko was shaking his shoulder.

"Gah… what the fuck is it kid?" Michael asked. "Someone as handsome as I am needs to get as much beauty sleep as possible."

"Lazy asshole." Konoko responded, ceasing her shaking.

"Piss off." Michael responded.

"Rias wanted to talk to you and Issei, he's there now. Try to behave yourself, prick." Konoko said, taking a seat on the opposite couch.

"Yeah whatever. You're short." Michael said.

Koneko narrowed her eyes at him.

"What? Am I fucking wrong? No… you're right, you're the tallest in the club!" Michael yelled.

"You are such a tool." She responded.

"We'll continue this shit later. I gotta go get my wrist slapped by Rias. Well, that's probably what's going to happen. I stole a fuck ton of shit from the gas station before coming here. Lots of fuckin' gum really. That shits easy to steal." Michael chuckled.

He sat up from the couch, and made way for Rias's office. He stepped through the open door, seeing Issei standing in front of Rias's desk. Rias of course, was seated on the opposite end, with Kiba and Akeno standing on either side of her. Issei turned his head to Michael, and the Lone Wanderer gave a sick grin, pulling out a pack of gum from his jacket pocket.

"Hey Issei." Michael said.

"Uh… what dude?" He asked him.

"This is what it feels like to chew five gum!" Michael yelled, throwing a pack of minty goodness at Issei's face.

The package hit Issei square in the nose, and Michael ran up to him quicker than the young devil could possibly react. Michael reached up to Issei's chest with his hands, and squeezed his nipples. Michael twisted, resulting in a scream of pain from Issei.

"Stimulate your senses!" Michael yelled, laughing like someone who just got done taking jet.

When he let go, Issei was rubbing his tingly nips, and clenched his teeth.

"You are such an asshole!" Issei yelled.

Michael put a hand up to his lip.

"You know it." He giggled, doing his best to sound like one of the girls from around this school.

The commercials in this world were weird. After he watched the ad, Michael stole a pack of five gum, but was disappointed when he found out that it didn't really stimulate his senses. It just made his breath smell nice.

Akeno joined in the laughter, and Kiba put a hand on his face. Rias simply sighed, and pinched the bridge of her nose.

"I think we're going to get along just fine me and you." Akeno said, smiling at him.

He felt Issei punch him in the arm, and Michael laughed.

"That kind of tickled kid, how's your hand feel?" Michael asked him.

Issei shook the pain out of his hand.

"Like I punched a damn tree! What the hell dude!?" Issei yelled.

"Skins as hard as tree bark. That's what we in the wasteland call a mutation kiddo, real good shit."

"You two can talk about all of this later. I have an assignment that needs doing. And I want you and Issei to go and take care of it." Rias said, pointing to Michael.

The Lone Wanderer let out a groan.

"How many fuckin' times to I have to tell-"Michael started.

"Stop right there Michael. I have something that I'll give you for this little favor." Rias said, narrowing her eyes.

"What do you have that I can't fuckin' steal from a gas station? Or a gun shop?" Michael asked.

Issei widened his eyes at the mention of him stealing.

"So it was you!" Issei yelled. "You were the guy who was stealing guns from the pawn shops! You didn't even leave a trace for the cops to follow man, you're good."

Michael smirked.

"I'm a professional kleptomaniac. Safe to say I ruined those guy's careers, but hey, they probably got insurance, right?" Michael asked.

"Where do you keep it all man? Shouldn't there be like a big ass fucking Santa Claus bag around here somewhere?" Issei asked.

"I was actually wondering that myself. Where do you keep it all Michael?" Rias asked as well.

Everyone in the room, save for Michael stared at him. The Lone wanderer then took a deep breath through his nose. A long silence passed, and he narrowed his eyes.

"In my butt." He answered.

The room went completely silent.

"Dude, where do you keep them?" Issei asked.

Michael faced the teenager, and grinned wolfishly, putting one hand behind his back. He willed a desert eagle pistol into his hand, and then made a grunting noise, before finally showing it to him.

"Smell my butt gun Issei. Smell it!" He yelled, running at the devil.

"Dude no way!" The younger teen said, fleeing in terror.

"Issei, he made it appear in his hand behind his back. Silly boy." Akeno said, placing a finger at her lips.

Michael looked back at Akeno with a look of betrayal about his face.

"Say… if I were to shoot you in the face would you die?" Michael asked.

Akeno gave a sly smile.

"Do you want to find out?" Akeno asked.

Michael returned the smile, and Rias slammed her hands down on the table.

"That's enough! I shall hear no more mention of butt guns, five gum, or face shooting! We have a customer for you and Issei Michael, and if you complete the task successfully, I will give you this." She said, reaching down under her desk.

When she resurfaced, she was holding a long pitch black gun, as long as Issei was tall. Michael's jaw dropped, and he looked it up and down. The long barrel and scope along with the stock indicated that it was a sniper rifle, but it was a big sniper rifle. A sniper rifle worthy of becoming part of his butt gun collection.

He reached out across the desk to touch it, but then Rias caused it to disappear with a puff of green magic. Michael slammed his hand on the desk, and clenched his teeth. This was worse than anything she has ever done to him since he got here. It was damned cruel and unusual.

"That was the sexiest sniper rifle I have ever seen in my life! Bring it back here now!" Michael shouted.

Rias smirked.

"I'll give it to you after you complete this task. And if you continue to do these assignments I will continue to supply you with new weapons. Is it a deal?" The crimson haired devil asked, extending her hand.

Michael looked down at the extended limb, and let out a sigh of defeat.

"Fine. I'll go play nice with whatever douchebag you want as long as you give me that scandalous rifle." He said, taking her hand in his.

They shook, and Rias smirked.

"Alright, here is his address." Rias said, handing him a slip of paper. "Both of you get going, I have a feeling this will be your first successful run. We'll all be routing for you."

Issei scratched the back of his head sheepishly, and Michael puffed out his chest.

"Do it for the gun Michael." He told himself. "For the gun."

"Do I get something for doing this?" Issei asked her.

Rias shot him a sideways glance.

"No." She said.