[Overture plays, while it does, the curtains are closed. There are two large books. One opens and we see Mama Ogre, Papa Ogre and Young Shrek.]

Big Bright Beautiful World

Voice of Shrek
Once upon a time, there was a little ogre named Shrek, who lived with his parents in a bog by a tree. It was a pretty nasty
place, but he was happy because ogres like nasty.

On his birthday, the little ogre's parents sat him down to talk, just as all ogre's parents had for hundreds of years before.

Mama Ogre
Listen son, you're growing up so quickly,
Growing up, bigger by the day.

Papa Ogre
Although we want you here,
The rules are very clear-

Mama Ogre
Now you're seven...(Holds last note)

Papa Ogre
(While Mama Ogre is singing seven)Now you're seven...

Both
So it's time, to go away.

Papa Ogre
Take some words of wisdom for your trip.

Mama Ogre
These are little things, you need to know.

Both
When you are grotesque,
life is Kafkaesque.

Mama Ogre
Just keep walking...(Holds last note)

Papa Ogre
(While Mama Ogre is singing walking)Just keep walking...

Both
and you'll find somewhere to go.

It's a big bright beautiful world,
with happiness all around.
It's peaches and cream
and every dream comes true...
But not for you.

It's a big, bright, beautiful world,
with possibilities everywhere.
And just around the bend,
there's a friend or two...
But not for you.

Mama Ogre
Good-bye! (Holds last note)

Papa Ogre
(While Mama Ogre is singing bye)Good-bye!

Mama Ogre
Watch out for men with pitch-forks!

[Young Shrek goes on his way. His parents go back into the book. Once they do, the book closes and goes backstage. The second book opens. We see King Harold, Queen Lillian, Young Fiona and their attendants.]

Voice of Fiona

Once upon a time, there lived a little Princess named Fiona, who had a terrible curse and lived in the kingdom of Far Far Away. (They step out of the book)One fateful day, her parents decided to lock her away in a desolate tower guarded by a fire-breathing Dragon. Like so many Cursed Princesses had for hundreds of years.

[They start walking. They walk as they sing]

King Harold

Your Mama packed a Dolly for your stay.

Queen Lilian

Your Papa packed your books & bubblegum.

Both

Darling don't be sad, a tower's not so bad!

Queen Lilian

Just keep waiting…(Holds last note)

King Harold

(While Queen Lilian is singing waiting) Just keep waiting…

Both

And some day, your Prince will come.

[They pass Young Shrek, but they (except Young Fiona) ignore him. The second book is pulled backstage. Villagers enter, with the intent to burn Young Shrek.]

Villagers

It's a big bright beautiful world.
So come along my friend, and join the fun.
We saved you a spot, and we've a lot to do.
Doo, doo, doo!

It's a big bright beautiful world.
Where everybody sings, Kumbaya.
While playing a guitar, as we bar-be-que...
You, you, you!

[Young Shrek roars, scaring Villagers away. He then goes offstage. When Young Shrek's off, Adult Shrek's Swamp house & Out House are brought onstage.]

The Voice of Shrek

And so the little ogre went on his way, and found a muddy patch of swampland, far, far away from the world that despised him. And
there he stayed for many years. Tucked away, and all alone...which was just the was he liked it.

[Shrek emerges from his outhouse.]

Shrek
Keep your big bright beautiful world.
I'm happy where I am, all alone.
I got all I need,
so read the stinkin' sign!

Keep your big bright beautiful world.
I party on my own anyway.
Doin' what I can
with a one-man conga line.

Yeah, your big bright beautiful world
is all teddy bears and unicorns.
Take your fluffy fun,
and shove it where the sun don't shine!

I prefer a life like this-
it's not that complicated.
Sure, I'm fated to be lonely,
and I'm destined to be hated.
If you read the books, they say
it's why I was created.
But I don't care,
'cause being liked
is grossly overrated.

Who needs a big bright beautiful world?
I got my own little patch of the world!
It's not a big bright beautiful world,
but it's mine! Alone!

It's mine!
And it's mine!
All mine!

[Shrek grabs a basket, then goes off into the woods to get food. As soon as he's gone, the Fairytale Creatures and Guard #1 enter. The Fairytales are complaining.]

Guard #1: Don't mind the mud. You'll get used to it!

Pinocchio: This place is a dump!

Pig #2: (Panicky)It's awful!(Starts to have a panic attack.)

Pig #3: (Putting a hoof on Pig #2's shoulder)Take deep breaths, brother!

Pig #1: (To everyone)He has panic attacks.

Shoe maker's Elf: (Goes to them)Here, breath into this. (Gives Pig #2 her paper bag, which he breaths into.)

Pig #1: Thanks. Why do you have zis?

Shoe maker's Elf: I have asthma. (To Guard #1)Guard, this place smells like butt.

[Fairytale Creatures complain even more to Guard #1]

Guard #1: (Blows whistle)Silence! You've all read Lord Farquaad's decree.

Pinocchio: Yeah, yeah, we've read it. "All Fairytale Creatures have been banned from the kingdom of Duloc. All fruitcakes and freaks will be sent to a 'resettlement facility.'"

Big Bad Wolf: Which, by the way is unfit for a pig!

Pig #1: Hello! Vee can hear you.

Pig #3: Vee're standing right here!

Little Sassy Wolf: Shut up! Even you think it's awful!

Big Bad Wolf: My sister's right!

[Guard #1 blows whistle again]

Story Of My Life

GUARD #1
(Spoken)
Alright, when I call your name step forward. "Pinocchio, the puppet."

PINOCCHIO
(Spoken)
(Comes towards Guard #1)I'm not a puppet I'm a real boy.
(Nose grows and he laughs nervously)

GUARD #1
(Spoken)
(Points)That's your patch of mud down there.

PINOCCHIO:
(Spoken)

(Nervously)Thank you very much. (Goes to spot)
Dumped on a swamp. Man, I tell you sometimes being a fairytale creature sucks pine sap.
(Sung)

Life is disappointing,
Whoa is what I know.
Outted by my nose,
That's just how it goes,
For poor Pinocchio.
Story of my life,
Always doomed to fail.
Cheated by a fox,
Swallowed by a whale.
That's the story of my life, oh yeah,
That's the story of my life.

Guard #1

(Spoken to 4 Bears)4 Bears, take your place by that sign. (Points to 4 Bears move to sign)Too Far. (4 Bears move)Too close. (Bears move slightly)Just right!

SHOEMAKER'S ELF:
(Sing sung)Strife is never ending.

GUARD #1:
(Spoken)
Peter Pan!

PETER PAN:
Banished, from the town

GUARD #1:
(Spoken)
Ugly Duckling!

UGLY DUCKLING:
They dragged me from the pond.

FAIRY GODMOTHER:
They brook my magic wand.

THE THREE LITTLE PIGS:
Zey blew our condos down.

GUARD #1:
(Spoken)
Wicked Witch!

WITCH:
Life is but a witch hunt.

MAMA BEAR:
Mama's in the mud,
Mama's in distress.

Mad Hatter:
They ridiculed my hat.

THREE LITTLE PIGS:
Zey said that vee were fat.

BIG BAD WOLF:
They tore my cotton granny dress,
And called me a hot n' tranny mess.

GUARD #1:
(Spoken)
Sugar Plum Fairy!

ALL Fairytale Creatures:
Story of my life.
Booted from ball
Told to go away.

HUMPTY DUMPTY:
Tumbled off a wall

ALL Fairytale Creatures:
That's the story of my life.

[White Rabbit enters.]

GUARD #1:
(Spoken)
You're late rabbit.

WHITE RABBIT:
That's the story of my life.

GUARD #1:
(Spoken)
Have fun you guys

ALL Fairytale Creatures:
That's the story of my life.

GUARD #1:
(Spoken)
And remember if we find you back in the kingdom you will be executed.

[Fairytale Creatures scream.]

ALL Fairytale Creatures:
That's the story of my life.

I always dreamed I'd get a happy ending.

WICKED WITCH:
And this right here,
Not how it goes.

ALL Fairytale Creatures:
I always dreamed I'd get an ever after.
If this is it,
It blows (x3)

PINOCCHIO:
(Spoken)
This is worse than that case of Dutch Elm Disease I caught in Tijuana.

ALL Fairytale Creatures:
Story of my life,
Always double crossed.
Always in the woods.

Goldilocks & Red Ridding Hood
Always getting lost.

ALL Fairytale Creatures:
Always on the ropes,

Always up a creek

Always kicked around,

And treated like a freak!
That's the story of my life, yes sir.
That's the story of my life, oi vei.
That's the story of my,
Life

PINOCCHIO:
(Spoken)
Crap!

[Fairytale Creatures return to their assigned places. Shrek appears, and is shocked at the unwanted company.]

Shrek: (Yells)What are you doing on my swamp?!

[Fairytale Creatures are scared]

Pinocchio: (Scared)Oh, Gosh! We were forced to come here!

Shrek: (Demanding)Forced by who?

Pig #2: Lord Farquaad. He huffed, and he puffed, and he, signed an eviction notice.

Shrek: Well, not my problem. Now you all need to get of my swamp and go back where you came from!

Mama Bear: (Panicky)Go back? We can't go back!

Pig #1: Farquaad will turn us in braquwrurst

Big Bad Wolf: Oh, the guy's bad news.

Sugarplum Fairy: (Thick accent)Maybe you could, (uh) talking to him uh?

Elf: Yeah, he'd listen to you Ogre! You're big and scary!

Shrek: I'm also an Ogre! Which means I stay on my swamp and avoid large crowds. Or haven't you read the stories?

Big Bad Wolf: Hah! You mean those "stories" that say I'm a Big Bad Wolf. (Everyone laughs)

Witch: (Laughing)Or the ones that say I'm a Wicked Witch! (More laughs)

Pinocchio: Or, or, the ones that say "I'm a wooden boy." (Everyone goes silent)Well I'm not a wooden boy! (nose grows. Shrek stares in shock; Defensibly)I have a glandular condition.

Baby Bear: At least, you're not left of your stories.

Jr Bear: Yeah, they either leave me out, or give me my sister's name and leave her out!

Little Sassy Wolf: No one cares!

Goldilocks: I care!

[Little Sassy Wolf roles her eyes]

Witch: (Comes towards Shrek)Look here Ogre. I'm gonna spell it out for you. We don't want us here anymore than you do. But, you're the only one, tough enough, to stand up to that no good flimflammer, Farquaad!

Shrek: Tough enough, You don't even know me!

Only Hope

Elf

I always dreamed, I'd get a happy ending.

Ugly Duckling

It was foretold, in my horoscope.

Pinocchio

Can't you help us out with an, everafter?

Fairytale Creatures

Can't you see that you're our only hope?

(Fairytale Creatures surround Shrek)

You're our only hope.

Bad Wolf

Hope.

Fairytale Creatures

You're our only hope…

Bad Wolf

H-o-p-e, Hope

Fairytale Creatures

You're our only hope...

Bad Wolf

Esperanza

Fairytale Creatures

You're our only…

Shrek: (cutting Fairytale creatures off)Ok, fine! Attention all.. fairytale things! Your welcome is officially worn out! I'm gonna see this Farquaad guy right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from!

[Fairytale Creatures cheer.]

Goodbye Song

Fairytale Creatures

Time to say goodbye
Time to say Farewell
Time for you to fly
It's been really swell
Gosh I'm gonna cry
Time to say goodbye

Shrek: (Spoken)I'll be right back!

Fairytale Creatures: Time to say vamoose

Shrek: (Spoken)Don't get too comfortable

Fairytale creatures: Ogre on the loose

Shrek: (Spoken)And don't touch my-

[something breaks]

Fairytale creatures: Time to say goodbye!

Baby Bear: Don't die!

[Shrek goes offstage. The Swamp disappears.]