A/N: So there I was, working on "Becoming Splinter," trying to squeeze in time in between a very busy schedule. I have been working on my next chapter and then I had a really rough week where I did have a complete emotional break down and that resulted in the inspiration for this fic. Hope you all enjoy it.

Without You

"Aaaaaah!" The deep guttural screams bounced off the metallic walls.

It felt like a dream – no….a horrible nightmare. None of this could have been real. For the first time in his life, all of his senses went numb, like he was walking through a perpetual haze, barely registering the presence of his brothers and friends. The tears that streamed down his face, however, were very much real. The two salty trails connected at his chin, splashing teardrops splashed into a growing puddle on the metal floor.

Raphael had tried to convince himself that this spaceship could not possibly have been real. Maybe he had hit his head during the fight. Seriously, the damn thing just conveniently appeared out of nowhere in the moment of their greatest need. The world was ending for crying out loud! The entire planet was sucked through the black hole those mother-fucking Triceratons created. This was all their fault. If they hadn't shown up, none of this would have happened. Wait! – they were after the Kraang so as usual this was all the Kraang's fault. If it wasn't for them, they would have a home to go to. If it wasn't for them, the Triceratons would never have threatened Earth. They wouldn't have desperately sought help from their mortal enemy. Wouldn't have had their backs stabbed by a single act of betrayal in a brief moment of convenient opportunity. If it wasn't for the Kraang, their father wouldn't be dead!

Raphael's blood ran cold as he recalled the moment. It was as if the world was moving in slow motion. He saw it coming but was powerless to stop it. Splinter was racing to shut down the black hole generator. He was so consumed in saving the world he never stopped to consider the danger of turning his back to his enemy – the ultimate martial arts sin! He had put too much trust in the ridiculous notion that Shredder had an ounce of honor. Nah, Shredder was a true ninja – master of deception…opportunist…murderer! That bastard drove one of his claws deep into Splinter's back, impaling it through his abdomen. Splinter's blood coated the cold steel. The look on his Splinter's was not one of pain but shock. What were his final thoughts, Raphael wondered. Perhaps it was "how could you?"

But while Raphael sought comfort in believing Splinter had not felt pain, Raphael hungered for the sensation. Having not been convinced yet that his new experiences were rooted in reality, Raphael sought for tangible proof of his own existence. Maybe they were dead and roaming purgatory. Maybe he was dying and was hallucinating the spaceship as his version of the boat ride across the River Styx.

So here he stood, pounding his fists into his walls. He delivered a steady stream of punches, alternating each arm, precisely landing on the same spot on the metal slab. The first punch was enough to tell him that the wall was indeed real. A ball of pain entered his fist and shot through his arm, up his shoulder. The second punch reinforced the original proof. Yet, Raphael insisted to continue assaulting the wall. Punch after punch. Raphael started with clean, perfectly executed strikes, extending his arms in front of himself, but soon turned to quick, choppy hook punches to the ribs of an imaginary opponent. Raphael maximized his impact by turning his body into the turn, putting him momentum behind his fist. Each impact added to the growing bloody smear on cold steel…or whatever weird alien metal made up this spaceship. There was no denying that all of this was real, and in that moment he went from wanting to prove his humanity was intact to trying to disprove it all. However, he could not deny the hard steel wall. Could not deny the red blood smeared on silver slab. Could not deny the resonating pain in his arms. Could not deny the raw, cracked knuckles. Yet Raphael refused to show the wall any mercy and kept on punching it despite the pain, the blood, and the hot tears rolling down his face. Pained grunts turned to strained cries as he replayed Shredder stabbing Splinter over and over in his mind.

Exhaustion finally embraced Raphael. Each punch steadily lost power and purpose as he struck the wall limply. His yells melted into choked gasps. Then he was finally spent. The gas tank ran dry. Defeated, Raphael turned his back to the wall and slumped to the ground, breaking down into wild sobs. It has been a long time since he sat alone and sobbed like a little boy, but in his solitude he was free to express himself, not that he cared if anyone walked in on him and witnessed him completely pathetic. He just preferred being alone right now. He had nothing to say to anyone. Hell he barely was coherent in his own mind.

Finally he no longer had the energy to cry anymore. Tears began to dry and his sobs quieted to a soft, gentle breathes. His chest gently heaved with each deep inhale. Green eyes stared blankly into the distance. Then his entire being went numb again, forcing him to question once again if all of this really had transpired in the past twenty-four hours. As he stared at the wall, Raphael contemplated the last time he ever felt like this. He really couldn't remember feeling this numb. There never was a reason to. Sure he almost witnessed Splinter dying once before, but Mikey gave him that small ray of hope. It wasn't certain. Splinter was still breathing when he was tossed into the drain.

"Sensei's a master ninja. He's gonna be just fine. It's gonna be alright," Mikey had whispered while tightly hugging him.

That brief interaction was enough to keep Raphael sane. It was how he survived living at April's farmhouse. But how was he supposed to survive this? What he witnessed was a certainty – Splinter was dead! - and his ray of hope was dead along with him. This wasn't supposed to happen! It couldn't happen! Should have been forbidden to happen! Raphael was only fifteen! He still needed his father's guidance, his sensei's teachings. In a world in which he was convinced a mutant could never be accepted by the humans, Splinter was the only reason Raphael had any sense of compassion for others.

- 10 years earlier –

The tears wouldn't stop! Couldn't stop! And he refused to leave his room until he ran out of tears! Now he started to believe he would never leave his room. What would everyone say if they saw him? They all would certainly laugh at "Big Tough Raph" for being a bigger cry baby than Mikey! Staring at the little bundle in his arms, Raphael felt a fresh round of tears threatening to spill. He bit his lip to suppress his sobs.

"Raph! You have to come out! Dinner time!"

A rapid succession of pounds incessantly drummed on his door. Raphael bit his lip harder and hunched his back as the banging quickly worked his nerves. God help him Raphael tried his best to keep his temper under control. He didn't need to bring any attention on himself. If they could just leave him alone….

"Go away, Mikey! I don't want dinner!"

The banging immediately ceased yet it was as if he could feel Michelangelo behind the door. He stopped but wasn't leaving.

"But Tousan said…"

"I – Don't – Care!" He roared, desperate to be rid of the pest.

Little feet scurried away and Raphael while he heard his brother's voice fade away he still caught the cries of "Tousan!"

Great!

An irritated growl rippled through his throat knowing what was coming next. Not long after Michelangelo had run off, a soft rasp at the door confirmed his suspicions. Even though his father was on the other side, Raphael refused to respond.

"Raphael," Splinter called out softly. He heard his father's concerns but still remained silent. A few moments passed before Splinter ventured to call out again, "Raphael."

Then Raphael heard the lock tick a couple of times before the latch turned and the door creaked open. Raphael kept his back to his father, too ashamed to reveal his weakness. The door gently shut and footsteps approached the bed. His mattress lifted Raphael up as Splinter sat down behind him. Neither spoke for a bit.

"Why would you not come out for dinner?"

"Wasn't hungry." The response was curt. Raphael flinched slightly, knowing his disrespect wouldn't be tolerated.

"My son, look at me."

The soft tone drew Raphael's gaze to meet Splinter's deep brown eyes. Splinter watched as tears traced deep green cheeks. Then he lowered his gaze to the bunched up white towel in Raphael's little hands.

"What are you holding?"

Raphael pulled the bundle closer to his body, shielding it like a prized possession.

"Raphael, please let me see."

The little turtle slowly unwrapped the towel, revealing the bird. Once fully exposed, Splinter noted the unnatural bend in the pigeon's neck. A round of uncontrollable sobs snapped his attention back onto his son. He stared at the normally composed turtle with wide eyes. Splinter could not recall a day since the toddler years in which Raphael actually cried unless all this time he kept his emotions locked in his room just like he had attempted to do tonight.

"They were so mean! He couldn't protect even protect himself," Raphael wailed.

"Who?"

"The boys!"

"Raphael, what boys?"

"Those stupid human boys!" Raphael screamed in anger. "Why?! Why do they do stuff like that?! They laughed when they slingshotted him in the head. He was so…so…the little guy was pretty messed up. Then one boy said 'bet it's easy to just finish him…bet I can do it with my bare hands.' Then his friends dared him to do it. They said they betted he couldn't do it…that he'd be too chicken. So he grabbed the pigeon. The snap sounded so loud. It echoed through the sewer. Then those jerks laughed and said 'cool.' They thought it was cool to kill a bird! Humans just love to torture and kill. I hate humans!"

Splinter's eyes widened more as he listened to the terrible tale. Then his eyes softened with sadness at the last sentence – "I hate humans."

"Raphael, you must not let one act of cruelty paint your perception of all humans. Most are kind…"

"No, they're not! It's all they know. They have a history of doing this!"

A quizzical look forced Splinter to furrow his eyebrows. Raphael met the look with a stern scowl and an eye-roll. Apparently his father needed to be educated.

"On the news they were talking about the anniversary of the whole civil rights stuff. You know, if you had a different skin color you were forced to use different water fountains and bathrooms and everything! White humans treated everyone else like they were diseased but humans just all look a little different. And in those history books you brought home they talked about how white humans always murdered anyone different, like Indians, and if you thought things differently you were forced to think like how others wanted you to believe or you could be killed, like what those Spanish people did a long time ago. Then those Jewish people were like all killed in that war. And 9/11! Humans just like to have wars and kill people and now they kill animals for fun. It's not just a one-time thing. It's just what they do! I mean come on - someone is killed like every day in New York!"

Stunned by shock, Splinter sat staring at his son. As if reading the question on his face, Raphael simply stated, "The pictures made me curious. So I made Donnie read the books to me...and the newspaper."

Splinter nodded in understanding. He sat and contemplated for a minute. Then he finally asked, "What else were in those books?"

Raphael's head tilted in confusion.

"Well surely the history books talked about things other than war. This planet is quite old and has a lot of history. What about the rise of civilizations and the spectacular monuments that were built? What about advancements in technology and engineering? The birth of art and culture? The people who dedicated their lives to serving the poor and never asked for anything in return."

Raphael narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Sounds like make-believe people. Like the elves that make the Christmas present for random kids."

Splinter couldn't help but chuckle at the boy's quick wit, but quickly recomposed himself.

"Raphael, let me tell you the story of a man. He was a carefree young man. Always had a smile on his face. But behind that smile was a man with many responsibilities. He was a husband with a wife who did not understand why he held so hard onto his family's old traditions. He was a father who wished he could spend more time with his daughter. One day when the daughter became ill with a fever, he did not hesitate to devote all his time to comfort her as she fought to heal. On top of all this, he also cared for his increasingly ailing elderly father. Yet despite his hardships, he shouldered the burden and focused on the beauty he had in his life. His spirit never broke because of that. This same man was taught in his childhood to put others before himself. So when the old neighbor lady could not shop for her own groceries, he would take her shopping list and brought the groceries back for her. Raphael, there is kindness in the world. You must give the human world a chance to show it to you."

Green eyes stared coldly, unmoved by the story.

"Otousan, you can't just make up a story to tell me humans are good. It doesn't work like that."

"I did not make up the story. It was a true tale. I know. I am that man with the sick father. I was the boy who shopped for the old woman."

Raphael's face dropped into an incredulous look before rolling his eyes in disbelief.

"Nice try. I ain't that gullible. Mikey probably would believe that though."

A sigh escaped Splinter's lips. His fingers lightly tapped his jade cane in annoyance as his mind raced on how to approach the subject.

"Raphael, I was not always the rat that you see. I was once human."

An eyebrow ridge cocked in confusion. Had he really heard that correctly? Human?

"But….how?"

Splinter raised his hand to silence the turtle before the impending onslaught of questions could continue.

"That is a story for another day. Preferably with your brothers present, but know that I am not deceiving you. I was born and lived as a human for most of my life. Now I live the life of a rat who cares for four wonderful little turtles. I have seen compassion and kindness, Raphael. You must trust me and give the humans a chance to prove themselves to you. You must not view every human as a murderer much like you do not wish for humans to view you as a monster just because you are different from them. Come my, son. Let us give the bird a last act of compassion and provide him a final resting place."

- Present -

Splinter had been right. He was always right. Splinter had lived a much longer life and actually understood how the world worked. Especially since he had experienced life as a human – an experience Raphael will never be able to understand. He had to rely on his father's wisdom and trust in his advice and judgment.

But Otousan was gone now….forever.

He lightly banged his head against the wall and stared at the ceiling as fresh tears rolled down the sides of his face. Who was supposed to guide him now? Who was going to teach him understand the inner workings of human psyche – the things he could never understand himself? Who was going to keep him level headed?

What am I supposed to do without you?

A/N: If the inspiration comes, I may turn this into a series of one-shots. It would be interesting to do a character study surrounding this particular event. Though depending on how season 4 starts off, it may influence where inspiration goes – if it goes anywhere. Two more weeks until Season 4! Until then I'll work on "Becoming Splinter." Ja ne!