A/N: This is inspired by 7x01 but I've really been thinking about this since 6x22 aired. Past Bonlena friendship and Delena mentions with current Bamon friendship.
This is for iwillforgetdamon to heal her broken heart so she can watch TVD with me again.
Bonnie didn't know what hurt worse: the fact that she was the reason her best friend since grade school was stuck in a coma for as long as Bonnie would live, or the fact that Bonnie would never see her best friend again.
If she hated herself even a little bit less, she might have lashed out against those who wouldn't let her forget that her beating heart was the only thing between the world having Elena again. Most of her friends didn't know how to act around her anymore. Caroline would giggle nervously and avoid looking at her face like the plague. Matt gave her wistful looks, almost as if he wished he could trade her life for Elena's. Stefan would only give her a pitying stare, fully knowing how it felt to blame yourself for something. And Damon...
She never knew what to expect with Damon. Some days, he acted like her best friend. He'd show up on her doorstep with his smirk and car keys. He'd drag her out to a bar and tell her they couldn't leave until she at least tried a glass of bourbon. She'd cave in after twenty minutes with a roll of her eye, but secretly loving the triumphant grin that adorned his face. Then she'd declare they were going to an actual restaurant to have an actual meal. For as much as Damon loved blood and being a vampire, she'd never seen anyone scarf down chicken parmesan so fast. He'd take her back to her place and walk her to her door even though she said she would be fine. He would have a look in his eye then and his mouth would twitch into a smirk as he insisted. She'd pause between turning the key and opening her door to look up at him. They'd gaze at each other for a second before he would wish her a good night and head down her driveway to his car. Those were the best kind of days.
Other days, though... Damon couldn't even look at her. The pain in his eyes was so real, so present, she didn't understand how he wasn't screaming out in pain. She dreaded any words that came out of his mouth, because most of the time they'd allude to her death. His favorite past time on those days was predicting how she would die. They would be crossing the street and he'd openly fantasize about her falling down a manhole. While driving through town, he'd wonder what would happen if he crashed into a wall going 100 miles per hour. Hell, they'd be eating at a restaurant and he'd joke about her choking on her chicken.
Damon didn't understand that with each new death theory, he was digging the knife into her back that much more.
Bonnie was drowning in self-loathing and no one cared. Caroline had her own shit to deal with, her mom being dead and turning off her humanity and all. Stefan only cared about Caroline. Matt was focused on graduating from the academy. Enzo was off doing god-knows-what with Lily and her minions. Alaric was incapacitated with grief most of the time. Damon wasn't far off.
So when Damon brought up the idea of going to Europe to get Ric's mind off of things, Bonnie jumped at the chance to join them.
She couldn't stand staying in Mystic Falls for another minute. Not when this street reminded her of where she and Elena first learned how to ride bikes, or that park where they saved a baby bird that fell out of a tree, or even the empty lot where Elena's house used to be. Combined with how weird everyone was acting around her, it would be a breath of fresh air to start anew in a different continent. The only downside was she couldn't guarantee which Damon she would get.
"Hey, Bon Bon," he nearly chuckled. "Do you think it would be worth it if this plane were to crash?"
A knot of dread formed in her stomach as they got situated in their seats. So she would be getting this Damon. Good to know. "I know you're not suggesting all these people should die just so you get Elena back," Bonnie raised her eyebrow, playing along. It was better that they skirted around the issue than face it head on. Or at least Bonnie tried telling herself that.
"Please," Damon scoffed. "What's a hundred odd strangers compared to Elena, Bonnie?"
What about me? the little voice in her head asked. Am I worth less to you than a stranger?
Ric came down the aisle then, stumbling and knocking into people along the way. Bonnie wanted to feel bad for him, she really did; Jo was an amazing woman and she knew if she had gotten to know her more, they could've been great friends. But Bonnie's body could only take so much sadness and right now her own pain was monopolizing all of it.
They first flew to England, deciding they would ease into the cultural differences. Damon wondered if he could shake the London Eye hard enough for it to fall down with them inside. Bonnie held back tears.
In France, Damon dared her to jump off the Eiffel Tower with a cackle. Bonnie tried to resist punching him, knowing it would hurt her more that it would hurt him.
In Germany, he actually shook one of the sky rides when they were up three hundred feet in the air. Bonnie knew he could hear her heart beating furiously but he laughed anyway until he let the car they were in still.
Bonnie had had it when they were in the Netherlands. Damon had almost let her get hit by a car. It wasn't like he wasn't paying attention while they were crossing the street or anything. He saw the car coming and he waited.
"It was three seconds!" Damon loudly complained, desperately following after her as she stormed down the street.
"That car almost hit me! I could have died!" She was beyond furious. All of her self-hatred was converted into hating Damon.
"You're right, Bon. Had I done nothing, Elena would be here and it would all be grand," he scowled sarcastically.
"I've had it with you blaming me for this!" Bonnie was very close to crying but she wouldn't give him the satisfaction.
"How else am I supposed to feel, Bonnie? You're here and she's not. It would be so simple to get her back..." Damon trailed off, his eyes slightly glazing over as he stared at nothing.
"But what? You don't have the balls to kill me yourself so you were going to let a car do it for you?" Bonnie turned around to glare at him.
"I didn't let that happen! You're still alive, okay? Let's just go find Ric," he muttered as he walked past her.
"No, it's not okay! You get to see Elena again someday!"
That stopped him in his tracks. "Yeah, someday very far from now," he sneered. "Why don't you do us all a favor and get some disease so that day is sooner."
"You're not getting it. You get to see Elena someday, but I never will. I'll never see her smile or hear her laugh or get one of her pep talks ever again because the only way she'll open her eyes again is if mine close forever." Bonnie was seething but she was glad his shoulders slumped a bit as he listened to her.
"That's not the same," he shook his head, dismissing her argument. "You're not in love with her. It physically pains me to be away from her."
"And you don't think it pains me as well? She's been my best friend for my entire life. I've never spent more than a few months away from her, how am I supposed to go without ever seeing her again?" Damon paused and thought about it. "I knew everything about Elena and she knew everything about me. I'm closer with her than I even am with Caroline and I think she would say the same. We were supposed to go to college together, buy houses next to each other, raise our kids together, but now I'll never even see her again. So I'm sorry, but I don't need your emotional trauma when I already have enough of my own."
Damon put his head down and bit his lip, making Bonnie cross her arms over her chest. She couldn't wait to hear what bs he would come up with now. "In the first second, I thought how amazing it would feel to have Elena in my arms again," he said lowly. He looked up to see the confusion on her face. "By second number two, I kissed her. And by the third, I remembered you're my best friend, and that if anything ever happened to you, I would lose my mind."
Bonnie just stared at him, unsure of what to say.
"I'm sorry, Bonnie," he apologized. "I didn't think about it from your perspective. It just hurts so much to have her gone."
"That doesn't mean that you can verbally abuse me," she frowned.
"No, it doesn't. I'm sorry for that too. I'm really trying not to be bitter but it's hard and you're always there to take my anger."
"I didn't sign up for this, Damon," she shook her head. "I didn't want to be the link to Elena's slumber. You have no idea how many times I think about what you said to me, about how much easier everyone's lives would be if I was just... gone."
A tear ran down Damon's cheek as he pulled her into a hug. "I didn't know you felt that way," he murmured against her hair. "I'm so sorry. I never would've said those things if I knew."
Bonnie nodded and hugged him back tightly. "Can we just start over? Can you be that guy who takes me bowling at 2 am just because he wants to see the glow in the dark alley?"
Damon chuckled and nodded his head. "As long as you're the girl who pretends to suck at first before royally beating my ass."
They pulled apart and looked into each other's eyes. There was still pain and hurt in them, but this time, Bonnie knew they would turn out okay.