CHAPTER TWENTY ONE: BROKEN

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, is there healing
In your name, I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

It was time. It had been too long. He was ready. Those three thoughts were on a loop in his head as he ran towards the rocky cliff where he'd stashed his bow and arrows. His feet were aching, the bare soles calloused from the rough terrain they'd been exposed to. Jumping over a chasm in the rock, the wind bit through whatever scraps of clothing he had left. He ignored it because it was time for him to go home. His fingers didn't fumble while loosening the makeshift quiver to take his arrows, even though they were numb from the cold.

His back hurt, unhealed cuts were stinging and he was downright exhausted, but if he didn't make the shot, couldn't catch the attention of the fisher boat he could barely make out in the distance, god knows how long it would be before the next one dared to come as near to Lian Yu as this one. There had been less and less opportunities for him to get off this damned island the longer he sat there sulking. Either there was less fish to be caught, or the Chinese Coast Guard had become more adamant in its warning to stay the hell away from there.

This had been the first boat in weeks, and he wasn't going to miss his chance. So, he ignored the pain and discomfort and aimed the flaming arrow at the pile of wood and explosives.

He was going home.

His mother was the first familiar face he saw. After two days of doctors and nurses fretting over him, all stunned that he'd survived with the amount of injuries he'd suffered and scar tissue littering his body. They even called in a hairdresser to make him look more civilized. She'd walked in slowly, hesitantly, closing the door behind her quietly.

"Oliver?" She'd whispered.

He'd turned away from the window to look at her. He was really home this time. A tiny smile made its way onto his lips as he stepped forward.

"Mom."

She was crying, walking over to him and wrapping him up in her arms. Oliver let himself embrace her, letting his guard down for just a moment.

"My beautiful boy." She whispered, pressing a kiss to his neck. He felt the wetness of her tears against his skin and held her a little tighter.

It had been five days since she'd first heard the news and Felicity had only one question. Why hadn't she seen Oliver yet?

She'd wanted to go to the hospital immediately after he was admitted, but visitation was limited to family only. She'd tried to argue with the doctors that she was practically family, but when even Moira, the only member of the Queen family who'd seen him since he got off the plane from China told her that maybe it was better to wait a little while, she knew there was nothing she could do. It had only raised more questions and had led to Felicity being less than productive at work. She'd been staring out in front of her for an hour, letting the worry run through her head, imagining how he was doing, if he was hurt really badly and that's why they wouldn't let her see him. Or maybe he had an extreme case of PTSD and couldn't see anyone. She knew he hadn't just been on the island so it was possible that he had seen things that made him more messed up than five years of seclusion. She was genuinely worried for him and the fact that he'd been in the hospital for three days without a sign of life wasn't helping.

She jumped when her assistant Jerry suddenly knocked on her desk, his eyebrows knitted together.

With a hand over her racing heart, Felicity looked up at him. "I yelped, didn't I?"

Jerry nodded with a smile. "I'm sorry to interrupt, Miss Merlyn, but you have a meeting with the other department heads in ten minutes."

Felicity's eyebrows flew up towards her hairline. She'd forgotten about that meeting, a very important meeting that she should probably have prepared for.

"You seemed quite distracted and I didn't want you to be late." Jerry said.

Felicity nodded. "First, please just call me Felicity. It's been almost two years, Jerry. And second…"

She stood up and put a hand on his shoulder. "Thank you, you're a godsend."

They smiled at each other and Felicity started gathering her files for the department meeting, she looked up again when Jerry didn't move to get back to his desk. He was biting his lower lip nervously, shifting his weight between his feet.

"Jerry? What is it? Is something wrong?" She asked, lifting an eyebrow.

He shook his head. "No, no, everything is fine, but uhm…."

Felicity motioned for him to go on, spill his beans already.

"Mrs. Queen called to invite you to dinner tonight."

Felicity raised an eyebrow, wondering why that had him so nervous. It was nothing new for Moira to call and invite her for something. She knew that she could be quite intimidating but Jerry had talked to her more than a handful of times already.

"Oliver's coming home tonight." He said, a little more quiet.

Ah. There it was.

Felicity's world stopped spinning for a moment. Sure, she had been thinking about him a lot, but she hadn't actually thought about what it would be like to see him again. He would be different, of course, but how much. Would she even recognize the man she fell in love with. Would he still smile that stupid boyish grin even though he went through hell and back. Felicity swallowed, pulling herself out of her little reverie and nodded slowly.

"Oh."

She didn't know how exactly but she managed to get to the meeting with the department heads and sit through it all without calling too much attention to herself. Time passed by seemingly quickly and before she knew it she had changed into something fancier for dinner at the Queens and was pulling up on their driveway. She was quite amazed at the fact that she hadn't gotten in an accident or got pulled over for speeding in her rush to the mansion.

The gate opened for her without even having to buzz in anymore. She drove all the way down to the house, parking in her usual spot to the left. Silencing the car did nothing to help silence her inner struggles. Her nerves were flaring up like never before and she thought she might hurl if there was any food left in her stomach. She hadn't been able to eat all day.

Taking a deep breath, she stepped out of the car, the gravel grinding under her high heels. She locked her car and made her way to the front door where she, without even knowing why, paused with her hand on the doorknob.

This was it, she would finally see him again. Even though she loved him so, as a lover and a friend, she knew it was going to take more than love for them to go back to the way they were before the accident. The night of her twenty first birthday had been wonderful, but it had been rushed because they both knew they didn't have much time. They loved each other but Oliver would have to find himself, find his place in society before he could be with her. It was going to be hard, but they would get through this. He needed her to be patient, and that's what she would be.

With one last deep breath Felicity turned the doorknob and stepped into the foyer. There he was, she recognized him in a split-second. His back was to her as he was looking at the framed pictures on the center table Moira had so elegantly arranged. She was in a few of them. His shoulders were broader than she remembered, the navy blue sweater tight around the breadth of him. His hair was cropped short like after the time he had gotten gum stuck in it.

Felicity bit her lip, tears welling up in her eyes as she watched him. Quietly, she closed the door behind her and sighed. Her fingers tightened on her clutch, knuckles white.

He turned around, gaze meeting hers like he was pulled towards it with a magnet. His eyes were still the same. They had seen things, but the blue was still as vibrant as always. His shoulders relaxed and a hesitant smile turned up his lips.

"Felicity…" He breathed, taking a tentative step forward.

And then she was in his arms, head on his shoulder, tears ruining his sweater. He was warm and comfortable just the way she remembered.

He heard her hesitate on the front steps, putting her hand on the doorknob but not yet turning it. His heart started hammering in his chest like it had been silent for the last two years. With one last look at the framed picture in his hands, one of him and his father when he was about five or so, he placed it back where he'd found it. The door opened and it felt like he could breathe again, a sense of relief flooding his brain and his heart.

"Oliver…" She breathed, barely audible but for his trained ears.

Slowly, he turned around to face her. He hadn't been the only one that had changed. She looked beautiful, her hair curled in soft waves, the silky golden ringlets falling just past her shoulders. Her eyes weren't obstructed by her glasses but her lips were just as brightly colored as always. The blood red dress she was wearing showed off her curves, two small cut-outs on her sides showing off a little skin. She looked stunning in it.

"Felicity…" He said, smile creeping up on his lips.

She smiled back at him, first step towards him hesitant, the next much more sure. Then she was practically running towards him, launching herself into his arms. With one hand on the back of her neck, he pulled her against him, wrapping his other arm tightly around her. Her hair smelled different than how he remembered, but just as sweet. He could feel the wetness of her tears through his sweater and held her a little tighter, rubbing slow circles over her back with his hand.

"I'm sorry." She said, pulling away slightly to wipe the tears from her cheeks. "I just can't believe you're really here."

He let out a breathy laugh and smiled softly at her. His hands slipped from around her waist, lingering on her elbows as he wasn't willing to completely let go of her yet. "It's been too long."

Felicity nodded, a sad but reassuring smile on her face. "It has."

She looked heartbroken, a sadness in her eyes Oliver had only seen once before; when her father had left her on their doorstep eighteen years ago. His heart sank to the bottom of his stomach as she looked down at her feet. Taking an unsure breath, she shook her head a little and met his gaze again. She reached up and cupped his cheek, a smile that he knew was forced on her lips.

"But I'm really glad you're back."

Dinner was fairly uneventful. Almost.

Walter Steele and his mother sat across from him on the other end of the table, sharing stolen glances while engaging in the casual conversation. Felicity and Thea were seated on either side of him, bombarding him with big events he had missed. Superbowl winners, exciting new movies and TV-shows –those were mostly Felicity's expertise— and of course the new president.

The easy chatter faded when Thea asked him what it had been like on the island. A deadly silence fell over the room. A needle could've been heard if someone had dropped one on the ground. After a moment to compose himself, he smiled gently at his 'not so little anymore' sister.

"Cold." He said, like it was the most natural thing in the world.

Oliver saw Felicity swallow in his peripheral vision. He glanced over to her as she played with her food. They'd all been tiptoeing around the obvious elephant in the room; everything that had happened in those five years. The happy things were easy to talk about, they could just pretend he'd been on a five year spa retreat or something. Oliver could understand that it was hard to talk about, he didn't really want to talk about his time away either, it brought back memories and feelings that were anything but pleasant, except for a few bright spots.

The silence was broken when Raisa tripped over a crease in the carpet. On a reflex, he caught the bowl of salad she'd been holding and grabbed her arm so she wouldn't fall on her face completely.

"Oh, I am so sorry, Mister Oliver." She apologized immediately, finding her balance again.

«все в порядке, не безпокойся»* He replied with a gentle smile.

That caught the attention of the rest of the people in the room. Five pairs of eyes stared at him in either wonder or plain disbelief.

"I didn't realize you took Russian in college, Oliver?" Walter said. He was the first on to un-freeze, trying to make the situation less uncomfortable. To no use.

"I didn't realize you wanted to sleep with my mother, Walter." He replied, staring the man dead in the eye before turning to his mother.

Moira looked at Thea, who shook her head. "I didn't say anything."

"She didn't have to." He said.

His mother sighed softly and turned back to look at him, reaching for Walter's hand.

"Oliver, Walter and I are married."

There was the other big elephant in the room that he wasn't sure existed until now. He'd suspected something was up when Walter had been invited to what was supposed to be a 'family dinner'.

His gazed moved to Felicity, who was smiling at him encouragingly.

"I don't want you to think either of us did anything to disrespect your father." Moira said.

Taking a deep breath he nodded, fingers flexing under the table before he stood up.

"May I be excused, please?"

Moira nodded. "Of course, sweetheart, whatever you need."

With a hand on Felicity's shoulder in passing and a wink to his sister, he sought out a spot where he could silence his inner demons for the time being.

Felicity watched his back retreat through the arch leading to the living room. She knew exactly where he was going. The rest of them finished the main course but when it was time for dessert, she excused herself to go check on him. She figured she'd give him some alone time, to think about all the new things he'd learned today.

She followed the path he'd taken 10 minutes ago onto the back porch. Seated on the wooden bench overlooking the garden with his elbows resting on his knees, was Oliver. Closing the door behind her, she made her way towards him, sitting down next to him with a soft sigh.

"Hey." She whispered, wrapping her scarf a little tighter around herself to shield her from the cold that was creeping in with sunset.

He smiled at her, just a little. She could just make out the lines in his face in the dim lighting the porch provided. They sat in silence for a while, watching the last of the sunlight disappear behind the horizon.

"Why'd you pick this spot?" She asked when they were surrounded by darkness.

Oliver pushed off his knees and leaned back against the bench, turning his head so he could look at her.

"You know why." He whispered.

Oh she had known why, but she'd needed the confirmation that his mind was exactly where hers was. New Year's Eve 2004, the first time they'd kissed.

"You okay back there?"

Oliver nodded, staring into the distance like he was watching something she couldn't see. "It's a lot to take in. I didn't really think about how much everything would have changed, Thea especially."

"She's not a little kid anymore, that's for sure." Felicity said. "Your disappearance was rough on her."

She started fumbling with her scarf as she continued. "Your mom was confined to her bedroom in grief and Thea was all alone in this big house. Then after a while, Walter helped your mom get back to her life but Thea was still alone. I tried to help her as much as possible but I barely kept it together myself."

Oliver put a hand on her knee and squeezed softly. She looked up at him with watery eyes.

"Thank you." He whispered.

She smiled softly, putting her hand over his on her knee. "You're welcome."

Sighing, her turned over her hand and took it in his, thumb softly stroking over the back. They sat in silence for a while, enjoying the comfort of each other's presence without any conditions or obligations.

"I know you're probably curious about where I've been." He said, turning his head to look at her.

Felicity let out a breathy laugh. "Eh, just a little." She teased. That got a tiny smile out of him.

"Give me some time?" He asked.

Nodding, Felicity put a hand on his arm. "I have to go to work tomorrow but why don't I take you around the city after? We could get dinner at this amazing Italian place and take a walk in the new park that was built in honor of the last Mayor. You know, so you can get to know the city again. Fall in love with her again."

She hadn't meant to say those words, and the double interpretation of it wasn't lost on her either, making her cringe internally. She watched Oliver's face as he thought it over, a hint of a smile tugging at his lips before he looked at her.

"It's a date." He said casually, making her blush a little. His words made her heart flutter. Even after all those years of worrying and uncertainty, Oliver still had that effect on her.

"I really am happy you're back." She whispered, resting her head on his shoulder.

The next day was the day the secrets started. Before the crack of dawn, Oliver sneaked out of the mansion, trekking all the way across town to the abandoned steel factory his family still owned. He hated lying to Felicity, Thea and his mother, but there was no way he was going to be able to do what needed to be done if they knew. Because what he was going to do wasn't exactly legal. Or morally correct.

It was easy enough to break into the forgotten building, the fences not too high to jump over and the people living in the surrounding area not interested enough to keep an eye out or care if someone was breaking in. He broke through the rusty chains keeping the door shut, letting some light into the wide open space. Birds scattered, flying out of the holes in the roof as he stepped inside, dust flying up in their wake.

Crouching down, Oliver picked up one of the flyers that were littering the floor. His father's picture proudly on the front with the promise of stable jobs and a fair pay. Oh how that had turned out. His father had moved production to China just before the depression had hit, saving them millions, but causing at least 1500 people to lose their jobs. Throwing the piece of paper to the side, he shrugged off his backpack, pulling out his pickaxe.

From the blueprints he'd found, he knew where he had to cut through the concrete to get to the basement level he would be using for his base of operations.

*"It's okay, don't worry about it."