I do not own Syfy's Alice.

But we've already been through that, yeah?

Bloody Maddening

How I Shocked and Apalled Me Future Mother-in-Law

When the door opened, I nearly ran.

I'd done everything I could to forget her.

Weeks and weeks it had been.

And the ache in me heart had never gone away.

Me dreams of her had never diminished.

Me thoughts of her had never strayed.

And so I had finally swallowed me tea and gone to King Jack.

And pled me case.

"Please, I just . . . I just need to see her again."

And Jack, snooty Jack, had looked upon me.

Calculating, stern. As if testing me sincerity, me resolve.

"You know, it is a one way trip, Hatter. We can't afford to use the Looking Glass just because we feel like it. Its power is corrupting, the masses still crave their Tea, it's much too dangerous to reopen here and there on a whim."

I nodded, idling turning me hat 'round and 'round in me hands.

"Yeah, I know. But . . . I just . . ."

He watched me closely, waiting.

"I just need to be with her."

There just wasn't anything more to it than that.

King Jack looked at his Queen, the former Duchess.

She was still her, blond, tall, beautiful.

Much more covered and less trollopy looking now though.

Happier too.

She smiled at him and he smiled back and nodded. First at her, then me.

"Very well, then."

And cleared his throat.

"A little less than a day will have passed in her world since she first came through . . ."

And then he talked.

About her world.

Its comings and goings.

Its rules, its everything.

Some I knew, some I didn't.

Then he took me through himself.

Showed me around.

Gave me cash, those lil green pieces of paper. Some plastic rectangles too.

Gave me the apartment he'd lived in during his stay.

Six months paid, he'd said. Then it's up to you.

Educated me right well.

Even took me to her flat so's I'd know the way.

Dressed me all different, he did. Said I wouldn't fit in her world looking like me.

Plainer, simpler clothes.

Even made me brush me hair.

Wanker.

But it was okay, really.

Anything was worth getting to see her again.

Still . . .

"Can I at least keep a hat?"

I mean, honestly . . .

So I was prepared, I was ready.

Even had a cover story, contrived by Jack.

Construction worker who'd found Alice.

But plannin' was one thing.

Doing was something else entirely.

So when Alice's mum opened the door, I nearly ran for it out of sheer nerves.

"Hello, come in! You must be David."

And she led me into the flat.

Warm and inviting, it was.

Just the kind of place Alice would call home.

So far as I could tell.

I was in a right state, all twangin' nerves and throated heart.

"I'll tell her you're here."

And she walked a few steps away.

I was so nervous me senses were on overload and her heels clicking on the floor sounded like gunshots blastin' me eardrums.

But I was in, I was there, and I was . . .

"Alice?"

. . . not going to throw up.

"Come meet David."

Oh bugger.

Now it was it.

What would she do?

Stand there stunned and confused, why was I here?

Walk up and shake me hand formally, as passing acquintances do?

Smile and welcome me into her home?

No, she didn't do any of that.

I saw her before she saw me.

She walked in slow, her face long and drawn.

She was dressed differently too.

Simpler, more grownup.

Grey cardigan, maroon blouse. Jeans.

And no wobbly lil boots, but flat shoes.

Sneakers.

And her hair was different.

Still up. Still long.

But different, more mature.

As if she'd put away the abandoned lost little girl when she'd come home.

I wondered if she'd put me away too.

"Hatter!"

Apparently not.

Her entire face lit up as she gasped.

Then she flat out ran at me, her pale face the loveliest picture of shock and surprise.

And . . . relief?

I opened me arms as she flung herself into them, nearly knocking the air from me.

Oh god, she felt good.

And for the first time since she had disappeared from me sight into the Looking Glass, I could . . .

"Finally."

. . . breathe.

I hugged her back, so warm and right as she softly gasped her surreshing breath into me listening, hungry ears.

"You have no idea how glad I am to see you."

Oh . . .

Then she released me and leaned back . . .

Hey, where ya goin' . . .

. . . and gazed into me eyes with those big, beautiful, blue, joyous ones.

Human emotions are strong, they say.

Stronger than those of Wonderlanders.

Mostly 'cause of all the Tea, most of us don't know how to manage our own real emotions.

And those of us who do find that it grows tiresome and dull, day after day.

Grey and worn, like a barren prison wall surrounding your mind and heart.

Alice's emotions were strong and powerful.

And right out on her face and all over her all the time.

Even when she thought they weren't.

I'd, as had some of the Resistance, had some practice diffusing the emotions of the Oysters.

Not letting them overwhelm me, like a heady vapor or mist.

So I was a bit stronger than most.

But I didn't want to diffuse Alice's emotions any longer.

I didn't want to hold them back.

I wanted to be swept away by them. Engulfed by them. Enveloped and saturated completely.

I never wanted anything so much in me entire life.

Because I loved her.

I didn't mind her emotions sometimes gave me vertigo and headaches and exhaustion.

I would learn to live with it.

I would learn to enjoy it.

I would learn to embrace it.

By embracing her.

And so I did.

I kissed her.

And she let me.

No, not let.

Welcomed.

Her fingers against me cheek, soft and caressing.

Lips delicious on mine.

She cared, she loved me back.

And it was then that I felt real and unreal, complete and whole.

And so very happy.

Such a flood of emotions I could have drowned, happily drowned.

I broke the kiss only so I could breathe and pressed me forehead to hers with me eyes closed.

Reveling in her presence, her touch.

Her powerful waves of emotions mixing in with mine so absolutely perfectly.

All of them good.

And I could barely manage coherent thought or words, so full of her emotions, and me own was I.

Still, I managed to breathe out to her.

Let her know.

"I missed you."

That wasn't all I had to say, not by a long shot.

There was so, so much more.

But that would come later, there was time now.

For then, I did the only thing I could imagine doing.

I kissed her again.

Alice.

Me beautiful, bloody maddening little Oyster.

I love you.

Well, that's the long and short of it, gentle readers. How I, the Hatter of Wonderland, fell in love with the Oyster Alice Hamilton of, well, your world.

Six years ago, that was. Blimey, how time flies. And lava lamps.

I'm happy to report that Alice's mum did not in fact beat me to death with me own hat. We've actually achieved marital bliss and are currently up to our elbows in nappies.

Um, Alice and me, not Alice's mum and me.

Anyway, story for another time, that.

And I know you've heard this tale before but per'aps here I've provided a little more insight into me. Or at the very least given you a laugh or two along the way.

Goodbye for now then. Happiness to you all and most loveliest of teas.

Oops, me thinks me hears the stirrings of an awakening babe in the night. 'S my turn to feed so I'd best get crackin'.

Cheers!

Special thanks to DinahRay for practically begging Not Marge to insist I tell me story. And for reviewing each and every single chapter. Blimey, you deserve a hug or a cuddle or something, love. ;)

Guest Cassie, thanks for your reviews as well. And in regard to the Caterpillar query, I think it was more of a teleportation 'shroom rather than a shrivel up and die fungi. But Caterpillar keeps lots o' things to himself and answers the rest in riddles so I'm reduced to postulatin'.

Good question all the same. :)

And finally, thanks to the silent readers of this tale. Much appreciated.